The Throw-Aways

For the past two days, I had basically sat in my bunk, wondering about life and pondering why me. I was asleep most of the time, but when I woke up, I just sat there until I fell asleep. Last night, I had woken up at about midnight. The wheels had stopped turning and our vehicle had stopped in Utah at a small bus stop. I think the town was called Isolation.

I had been awake for twenty minutes when I decided to get up. Screw the bunk! I WANTED OUT! I just needed to walk around a moment. I’d probably fall down, but I don’t care.

“Slipping out of my bunk, I had my sweatshirt on. All I had changed over the past two days was my shorts. Sometimes it got a little hot and I was tempted to just lay with my black sports bra on. Occasionally, if the bus got way too hot and the air conditioning decided to stop working, I would go to sleep in my black sports bra and shorts. I don’t care. The boys had seen me changing plenty of times and we would all hang out without shirts on when the AC stopped working.

But of course, I was held back by the fact that I still had twelve days to go before I would reveal my injury.

So I stayed in my sweatshirt when I climbed out of the bunk and lightly landed on my feet. I wanted to go sit in the cool air for a little bit. Stumbling around, I held out the invisible left arm for steadying myself, but of course, it didn’t work.

I stumbled a little to my way towards the door and caught myself on the steps. Oh man, I needed those pain pills, but I couldn’t start taking them until tomorrow morning.

I got to my arm and knees as I crawled down the steps and opened the door. Standing up, I quietly closed it behind me and slowly made my way outside. The limp sleeve hung at my side. The moon hung high overhead. My stomach rumbled, as if it was hungry. I didn’t feel like eating.

We were stopped at a gas station, all the lights off. I walked to the edge of the parking lot. Squatting down, I kind of fell over and yipped in pain. Okay, not my smartest move.

Wiggling over, I managed to sit on the curb of the pavement, just looking over the stretch of desert and staring at the stars. I’m sure my parents were up there somewhere. A cool wind kissed my face, stroking tender strands of hair.

Could I ever play Infernal again? I had literally JUST gotten my keyboard of my dreams and now….I just didn’t know.

I reached over with my good arm and rubbed the soft nub where the rest of my arm would be. The doctor said I could take out my stitches later tomorrow. The wounds would be good enough by then.

I could walk off right now. I could do it. My feet won’t stop and I’ll just walk to the edge of the world or until I die-whichever comes last. I don’t want to be alive right now. I can’t take it. I can’t take my parents up there, staring down at me. I couldn’t take the possibility of never playing again. I couldn’t take the possibility of not being in the band anymore.

I had just gotten my confidence back. I can’t have it destroyed again.

I just can’t do this.

“Hey, everything alright?” Aaron asked from behind me. He came and sat on my right side. I put both sleeves back in my lap. Thankfully, it was pretty dark outside. I could barely see Aaron’s face.

“Yeah.” I sniffed forlornly. Aaron patted my shoulder sadly. Although I didn’t look at him, I could tell he was staring straight at me.

“Hey, we’re going to stop in Moab tomorrow. Maybe we could go get coffee?” He asked. I looked to him and nodded, although I really didn’t want to do anything. I wasn’t interest in anything but lying about. I didn’t want to eat, I only wanted to sleep, and I kept getting weird mood swings.

Aaron was too nice of a guy to get angry at.

“Sure.” I answered back blankly. I tucked my knees into my chest and set my chin on top. I crossed my arms and rested my head on my right arm. Aaron rubbed my back softly, humming some tune as I closed my eyes. Eventually I heard him get up and go back to the bus. I kept staring out over the dark desert landscape, barely a form visible in the void.

If only I could be swallowed up by darkness.

Notes

;_;

Like I told I_Ship_KalanXD earlier, I think Raven is portraying what we're all feeling/doing....

Crying on the floor, yelling, "Why, Life?!"