The Throw-Aways

This afternoon, I managed to escape my bunk to get scissors. I sat there, listening to my new Ipod with the headphones I had gotten for my birthday. It seems like so far away, but I knew that the reality of it was that it had only been six days ago.

Aaron and I had gotten coffee at a Starbucks earlier today, but I nearly had a panic attack because I saw a police car drive by, sirens off. Even then, I nearly froze up and my breathing hitched. I barely got a small Iced Coffee down.

It was three in the afternoon and pushed the black cord of my headphones off my chest. It was going to be hard to cut the stitches without hurting myself, but I had to try. I was sure that Doctor Lyons was assuming I would tell the boys about the amputation by now, but that just wasn’t the case.

“Ouch.” I grumbled. I had closed the curtain and rolled up my black sweatshirt. I think Austin was going to do laundry today while we were stopped in Moab. I think this was the day I had to take my sweatshirt off. Oh well, I can still hide in my bunk under the sheets.

The little black stitches snipped off, one by one. Ten minutes later, I had finished all the stitches on my ribs. Now for the little nub. I decided, for the lack of anything better to do, to name my nub. Before anyone thinks I’m crazy, just go sit in a bunk for three days straight and listen to sad songs over and over.

You get a little bored after a while, but you have no motivation to do anything else. It was the worst feeling in the world.

So I named my nub Nubby.

I froze as footsteps halted outside of my bunk. The green curtain didn’t move, but I could tell there was a figure outside. I held my breath and didn’t move. Please, please, please, don’t open the curtain.

“Hey, Raven. I’m doing laundry and taking a load to the laundry mat a block away. Do you want to come with me?” He asked hopefully. I frowned, taking out one headphone.

“No.” I answered flatly. I don’t want to get up. He’s just going to try to make me feel better and I just don’t want to move. I don’t have any interest in anything anymore.

“Oh. Is there anything you want me to take?” He asked. I shuffled a little, taking my sweatshirt off and hopping beneath the covers in my black sports bra and shorts.

“Here.” I tossed the sweatshirt out the curtain. This was to satisfy him so he wouldn’t bug me again. Nubby the nub itched, but I didn’t move until I heard Austin sigh and walk away. Turning on the overhead light again, I twist Nubby up and used my scissors to tear off a few little stitches. Two down, four to go.

I managed to stab myself twice before I got all of them out. Now for cleanup. I set my Ipod to the side and cleaned up the little snips of stitches. Most of it was long pieces of black stitches, but a couple were shorter. Now I had to go get a tissue and wipe up the little dots of blood.

“Raven, we’re going to go get lunch. Do you want to come?” Alan asked me through the curtain. I froze and mentally cursed myself. Of course, the others were still in the bus!

“No thanks.” I muttered. I don’t think I can hold food down.

“Please?” Alan begged.

“No, Alan.” I stated again. He gave up and went out with the other three. Once the door slammed shut, I waited a moment. As soon as five minutes were up, I hopped out of bed, fully exposed. The cool air hit me and I stumbled a moment form the shock. My feet were numb, but I pushed on to the back lounge. I took a moment to wipe up the pinpricks of blood and throw away the stitch scraps. My stomach was red and raw. That would definitely be scars later on.

I threw the scissors on the table and sat on the couch. It felt good to be in the open once again without hiding behind my sweatshirt. I went over to the mini fridge and pulled out a bag. Filling it with ice cubes, I pressed the pack against my ribs.

Now was the perfect time to contemplate life.

Why was I still alive? I’m just taking up air, just sitting here uselessly. If I can’t do something with my life, if I can’t make a difference, then why was I still alive? I might as well throw myself out the window of the bus while we go eighty down the highway.

After a minute of sitting with the chilly pack against my bare skin, I got up and stiffly walked to my bunk. Soon enough, I heard voices come back. Moving fast, I tucked myself under the blanket, curling up to my chin. Using my feet, I kicked up the black ampersand blanket as well that Bells had given me.

“Raven? We brought you back some pizza.” Tino’s voice called to me. I tightened my grip around the blanket. I rolled to my right side and was so tangled in my sheets that I couldn’t move and no one could dislodge me.

“I’ll eat it later.” I called back. I smelled the sickening waft of food. It had been three days since I had eaten, but I couldn’t bear any food. I just needed Austin to come back with my sweatshirt again.

“Okay, only if you promise to eat it.” Alan said sternly. I slunk back, although no one could see me.

“Okay.” I murmured. I might have to break that promise. I closed my eyes and started to drift off to sleep once again.

“Raven?” Someone else called my name this time. I stirred from my half-awake slumber to my phone buzzing and Austin calling my name again.

“Yes?” I asked from my bunk. I was still like a burrito in my blanket, my head barely poking out, tired eyes weighed down with dark circles.

“I have your sweatshirt.” He said. I opened the curtain and held my hand out. Nothing fell into my open fingers. I sighed and frowned.

“Please, Austin?” I begged him.

“You have to come out of your bunk to get it.” He patiently told me. I closed my eyes and turned my head away.

“Okay. I’ll grab it later.” I muttered. Maybe, when they’re asleep, I can grab it. Austin had the bunk above me and our little row had a perfect view. If I poked my head out later, I could see to the front and back lounges. When they were gone, I can retrieve the sweatshirt.

“Doctor Lyons said that we had to make sure you got up and walked three days after you got out of the hospital. Today’s the day to rise and shine.” He laughed. I grumbled. No. I just want to sleep.

“Please? I already got up and walked around when you were out. Plus, I went to Starbucks with Aaron.” I complained. The other boys were still out at lunch and Austin had come back early.

“I know, but the doctor said that we need to help you work on balance.” Austin kept trying to push for me to get out. I rolled over and poked my head out of the curtain. He was standing in the front lounge, holding my nicely folded and cleaned black sweatshirt.

“Austin, please. I’m sore and tired and grumpy and I just want to sleep.” I begged him. His face soften up, like he was remembering something sad. I stared at him for a moment, but he just sat back on the couch. Sighing, I rolled over, reached across my body, and closed the curtain.

Oh, I knew Austin. He would be stubborn and hold onto my sweatshirt until I got up. Well, we would just both have to wait it out.

Notes