Kellin's heart raced but his feet seemed to be frozen for a moment. Finally he was able to move again, just as Rowan looked up at him. He rushed toward her bed, seeing nothing but the thin line of red liquid trickling down her arm to her elbow from the shallow flesh wound. He was shocked, more than he had been lately, to find her in just the shirt she'd slept in the night before, no hoodie. It exposed the majority of her scars, something Kellin was still sometimes mystified and horrified by.

As Kellin came to kneel beside her bed Rowan sat up, ramrod straight. Her expression was oddly vacant, something that made Kellin's stomach turn slightly. She stared blankly at her foster father as he ran to her en-suite to pluck a fluffy white hand towel from the bathroom counter and hurried back to her side. She was distantly aware of the fact that she was bleeding and had screwed up again and had lost the music that'd been drifting through her thoughts before her foster father's shout and that she wished the music would return soon. More prominently in her mind was the stinging sensation she felt as Kellin pressed the once white rag against her wound, soaking it with what was, in Rowan's opinion, a beautiful sort of maroon color. She couldn't quite bring herself to take in his expression for fear it'd make her immense guilt intensify.

Since the music had gone all she could hear ringing in her ears were the muffled shouts between Kellin and Katelynne. She'd not been able to pick out their words but she heard enough of a bang, as someone's fist collided with a solid object, to know she'd rather have not heard their exact fight. It was enough to have heard them shouting at all. She looked away from Kellin, focusing on the crumpled balls of paper in the far corner of her room, the pile having grown to the point of spilling out from behind the nightstand she'd been aiming to hide them behind. Rowan was sure Mrs. Bricker would have a few choice words for her when it was discovered that she'd torn all but a handful of pages out of the provided journal. She was also sure that no one would believe that it was truly never meant as a vicious act, she simply tried and failed hundreds of times to transfer the mess of her head onto paper without ending up with smudged words and tear-streaked cheeks and more than a few triggering memories. Even now she was fighting off the memories of Scott and her mother bickering as it'd been brought on by the sound of a similar occurrence between the Quinn parents.

Rowan was so lost in the maze of her thoughts that it took her a minute to notice Kellin was standing in the en-suite again, now rinsing and wringing out the ruined washcloth in her sink. She wondered vaguely if they'd toss the towel out or if they'd just bleach it, and if they did bleach it if towel would retain it's original fluffy texture. She looked back to the bed, seeing the page she'd used as a weapon laying beside her. She picked it up from the top of her comforter as if it were a priceless object, turning it over a few times in her hand to see what had been on the page. It seemed to be decorated with a portrait of Kellin, though the face had no features and was left blank she could still tell it was meant to be him because of his hair and the fact that her drawing of him was wearing the tee-shirt she was currently wearing. She liked to imagine him having worn the shirt with pride, imagined it to be one of his favorites he owned, so that she could pretend she'd been given something of personal value. She treasured it, the shirt, whether it was ever his most prized clothing item or not. It was white with navy blue sleeves that seemed to have once been longer but had been cut at some point to shoulder length and was printed with the letters ANTHEM in navy blue across the front. She felt a tugging on her arm as Kellin wrapped a bandage around it delicately before he switched to freshly dressing her palm. As soon as she accidentally caught eyes with him she saw she'd done it again. She'd disappointed him. She bit her lip hard and looked away, looking again at the paper in her grasp but now she hated that sheet of parchment with ever fiber of her being. She angrily crumpled it, as best she could with only one available hand, into a ball and chucked it at the same nightstand with all her slowly building strength. Kellin reacted, she was sure, but was more careful to avoid catching it this time. She couldn't avoid it any longer, though, as she heard Kellin sigh. She glanced his way to find him gazing at her freshly bandaged arm fervently, as if demanding it to answer his silent questions. His eyes never met hers as he spoke but his voice was so intense and low that she felt as if he were boring holes into her skull nevertheless.

"Why?"

How does one answer an unanswerable question? She had an odd flash back to the day exactly a week before, sitting across from Kellin in the hospital cafeteria trying to answer his toughest question... her biggest secret. The answer to that question, one she never gave him, coincided with the answer to his current inquiry. Her biggest secret, that she could bare to admit to herself anyway, was the fact that she was her own worst enemy. She had blackouts were she would be drawing, talking, walking, and simultaneously have the urge to cut or start unconsciously scratching her wounds. Though she could also be cognitively triggered, she often cut for reasons she herself couldn't understand. At that moment she couldn't tell him exactly what made her do it. Especially since she was still terrified of the image of his earlier furious expression she couldn't seem to get out of her head. Maybe he was just like Scott after all. Maybe she was right to never want to trust him or any other man ever. Maybe she would have new bruises at the hands of a person who'd supposedly cared for her before the night was out. So she stayed silent. In all her life it was either cunning words or cutting phrases or icy silence that helped her. Tonight it was the latter. So it was quiet.

That is it was quiet until Kellin sighed again. "Fine, if you don't want to talk about it..." He started to get up and Rowan had a flash of the image of him standing over her and smacking his palm against her cheek, making her heart skip a beat.

"No, wait! I'm sorry!" She choked out, making Kellin pause before resuming his seat beside her on the bed. "I-- I don't know. I don't know how to answer. I'm trying, I really do mean it, but I didn't do it. I mean, I did, but I didn't. It just happened. I was just drawing and trying to do my assignment for Bricker and next thing I know you're yelling my name and I'm bleeding on my duvet and... and.. Fuck. I don't know! I'm sorry!"

"Whoa, whoa! Slow down, Rowan! It's okay. Well I mean, it's not, but I'm not angry. We're okay. Okay?" She nodded, seeming to take in a deep breath but her wide eyes told Kellin she was still nervous. "Ro-- Rowan, did you... did you think I was angry? That I would hurt you?" She didn't respond in the slightest, not even blinking, but he already knew the answer. "Firstly, I'm not angry. I'm saddened. I want you to get better, Rowan, that's all. Second, I would never ever hurt you, okay? Like ever. I'd more likely destroy my own vocal chords and lose my career than harm you physically, alright?" She nodded again, trying to find her voice enough to speak.

"Okay." She croaked out. "So you aren't angry with me?"

"No, I'm not." Kellin told her, holding his arms out for a hug. But she didn't come closer. He dropped his arms. "I promise I'm not."

"Then why weren't you speaking to me earlier?" She spat out in a shaking voice, not even conscious of having chosen to confront him until it'd already happened.

"What? What do you mean?" Kellin asked, his mouth almost hanging open. When did he ignore her? They'd been together all day!

"After we left the yogurt place... You were mad and you didn't speak to me. And you fought with Katelynne... and... there was a bang..." She took in a deep breath, trying to calm herself down and resume control. Since when did she talk about how she felt? Since when was she so open??

"Oh!" Kellin almost wanted to smack himself. He had been too caught up in his own attitude to think about the fact that he might be bringing back bad memories for Rowan. "Fuck! I am so sorry. That had nothing to do with you, I swear!" Rowan still looked skeptical so Kellin pressed on. "Management. I got in a fight with them and the label. It's a long story that I'll get more into after dinner tonight but either way it was not directed at you. And Kate and I do that sometimes, but it's only on the surface. Nothing more than either of us just needing to get some pent up frustration out. And I punched a wall. I would never in a million years harm Kate, or Cope, or you. None of my girls. Ever."

Rowan almost sighed in relief but worked to keep her expression neutral, still cautious, trying to ignore the little flutter she felt in her heart at being addressed as one of 'his girls'. "Oh... okay." She mumbled, toying with her newest bandage, "Sorry."

"Don't be." Kellin felt his phone vibrate, it was a series of texts from the guys all about dinner. They were all coming, which reminded Kell... "Hey, Ro?"

"Mhm?" She hummed, her eyes still examining her wrapping.

"I know you've had a long day but I was wondering if you could do me a favor?" He began, careful of how he presented this topic to his fragile foster daughter. "Thanks to the label and everything the guys and I need to talk tonight. I planned on having them over for dinner, would that be okay?"

Rowan got a strange lurch in her stomach. She couldn't even eat more than one mouthful of food and keep it down in the presence of Kate and Kell. How could she possibly survive with yet more adult men present? She swallowed the bile rising in her throat, not that there was anything for her to vomit up anyway, and tried to hide her fear.

"It's fine. It's cool, Ro. I shouldn't 've even asked. I'm sorry. That was my bad, alright?" Kellin assured her, already starting to text them that the plans were off when Rowan's clammy hand laid on his wrist, stopping him from going on.

"Wait. Just wait." She closed her eyes for a second and blocked the world out as best she could, forcing herself to speak without thinking about her own words so as not to stop herself, "Okay. It's fine."

"Rowan, no. No. I don't want you uncomfortable. I'm sorry I brought it up, this is my fault, don't feel you have to do anything to please me." Kellin told her, trying to make it clear that it wasn't a big deal at all.

But even if it wasn't a big deal to Kellin it was to Rowan. This was a milestone, something she had to do eventually and decided she wanted to do now. She was going to make herself face this head on. Hell, she'd walked into that house knowing Scott was waiting for her every other day, she could do this much. She knew she'd have Kate and Kell on her side also. She was going to do it. "No, please. For me. I want to do this... I need to."

Kellin hesitated, wavering a moment between what Rowan wanted and what she needed. Eventually he caved, realizing this may be good for her if she's so adamant about it. "If you're sure..."

"I am, now stop stalling and go talk to your boyfriends." She teased, sticking her tongue out at him and shooing him from the room, all in exaggerated attempts to seem 'fine'. Kellin chuckled but did as he was instructed, heading for the door. He paused for a second, leaning on her door frame.

"Five more minutes, then you gotta come find either me or Kate, alright?" Rowan nodded, knowing she wasn't allowed to be alone, sitting on the foot of her bed once more and watching him go.

As soon as she heard Kellin's muffled voice down the hall as he called his friends, or bandmates or whatever, Rowan let her shoulders sag and dropped her head into her hands, roughly tugging on the hair that brushed against her skin annoyingly. "Fuck it." She stood herself up, knowing she really shouldn't be trusted alone, as much as she despised admitting she wasn't as strong as she once believed herself to be.

Her bare feet hit the icy tiles in the hall softly, surprising her at first before she settled to the temperature. What with her lack of meat on her bones she was used to being cold, which was a plus seeing as she needed to wear long sleeves often. In addition the Quinn home was exceptionally chilly, it was a little trick Kate had been clued in on to keep the nausea at bay as best she could, that and eating shaved ice. Luckily Rowan was used to living with a cancer patient so it was no big adjustment for her.

As she meandered down the hallway she realized she hadn't really explored her new home. She took a moment to wander the hall and examine each room. As hers was the last room in this area she had a good deal to investigate. Right next to her room was the linen closet which smelled strongly of cedar and mothballs. Across the hall was the laundry room, from which you could enter the garage. The next one down was another guest room yet it was smaller and a bit more disheveled, apparently having recently been occupied. It was decorated in various shades of grey and white, very different from the warmer tones in her own room which made her very grateful for the room she'd been given. She shook her thoughts away and continued in her exploration, next finding a room decorated in soft pinks and warm browns. Copeland's room. She hesitated a moment before stepping inside, feeling the plush, pale pink carpet tickle her feet as she shuffled in. She heard the room to be silent and she worked to keep it that way, trying to even breathe quietly so as not to disturb the sleeping baby inside.

Rowan looked over her shoulder, as if expecting to be yanked from the room and reprimanded for her curiosity, but found the hall was still empty. She let out a small breath she hadn't realized she was holding and pushed the door open a bit more as she continued inside. The walls were a soft white, one having been painted with a beautiful mural full of hot pink and chocolate brown music notes that appeared to be floating apart from a bar of music, a song that Rowan couldn't identify even though she knew how to read music. The opposite wall had a deep colored wood door which was cracked open to reveal a small bathroom and changing station. There were two book shelves, one on either side of the crib, that were lined with stuffed toys and books that Rowan had only heard other children talk about growing up. The Cat in the Hat, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, Eloise at the Plaza, I Love You This Much, Green Eggs and Ham... the list went on and on. Rowan was in awe. It was a little wonderland. She turned to face the door she'd come in and backed up a few paces, examining the far wall. It was decorated with too many picture frames to count. Rowan crossed the room once more, unconsciously drawn to the frozen moments of familial bliss. She ran her fingers lightly over the first frame she came to at her eye level, one showing Kate and Kell at their wedding, a one year old Copeland on Kellin's hip, all wearing wide grins of nothing but the purest of peacefulness. Another image caught her eye, this one of Kellin on stage, again with Copeland on his hip, the baby's face a mix of confusion and happiness as she stared out into the crowd. 'Huh, that's quite the set up.' Rowan realized Kellin's band might be a bigger deal than she'd ever thought. It made her oddly proud.

She blinked, pushing her thoughts away, as her eyes laid to rest on another portrait. This one was larger and showed Kellin, in aquamarine scrubs and a hairnet that made him look a bit like a jellyfish, not facing the camera but instead gazing down with the most intense expression of love Rowan had ever seen. In his arms lay the object of his affection, a carefully swaddled infant with tiny eyelashes splayed out against her chubby, flushed cheeks topped with a pink beanie like the cherry atop a sundae. It was so beautiful. Rowan's stomach twisted strangely and she staggered back a step, nearly tripping over the lose toys in the pile behind her. She sucked in a deep breath and tried to right herself, stooping down to pick up the stuffed bunny and a few Fisher Price dolls and drop them into the nearby dark wood toy chest. There was a rocking chair beside the box made of a matching wood and decorated with a ballerina pink throw blanket tossed over the back. It looked so picturesque, something Rowan had only ever witnessed in the home decor magazines set out on the waiting room coffee tables.

She found her eyes being drawn back to the wall of pictures but this time fought it, turning her back and facing the crib again. She took a few tentative steps forward, not wanting to wake Copeland, before she reached the side of her crib. Rowan's fingers trailed over the plush baby bumper that lined the inside of the crib to keep Cope from banging her head on the dark wooden bed in her sleep. It was pink fabric and had a quilted texture, decorated with alternating brown stripes and polka dots. Despite the perfection of the room Rowan saw something much prettier laid inside. Copeland was on her back, wearing white footsie pajamas with her hand next to her face, having apparently fallen asleep sucking her thumb. Rowan had never seen something so innocent. She wasn't sure there was such a thing. She wasn't sure she, even as a baby, had ever looked so gorgeously cleanly pure. She was scared to even be in the same room for fear she would taint this baby's perfection. Her heart was in her throat as she swallowed and tried to speak.

"Hello beautiful..."

---

"I already talked to everyone else so we're all good. Thanks, Jesse. I'll see you soon." Kellin locked his phone after hanging up, looking at the time to see he'd spent more time than he realized talking to his bandmates. He'd had to call each one and essentially explain Rowan's health and attitude as a way of warning before they were to arrive. Though, at this point, they actually weren't going to be away much longer. He couldn't help but smile a little bit, happy to be able to bring two huge parts of himself together at last. Suddenly, however, he realized that he had yet to see Rowan. He'd given her 'five more minutes' about an hour ago. But he had told her she could find himself or Kate so maybe she'd simply chosen to visit his wife. He heaved himself off the couch tiredly and went towards Rowan's room. He didn't bother knocking as he found the room to be empty. He hurriedly checked her doorless bathroom but it too was vacant of life. Sighing, he left the room and headed for his own bedroom where he'd last left Kate. Yet again the room was empty. Where would they be? Kitchen, Kate had wanted to try to cook for tonight.

Kellin took off down the hall, skidding to a stop in the kitchen. He found Katelynne standing at one of the countertops, pouring over a recipe book called The Cancer Fighting Cook Book. Kellin felt a little drop as his heart fell at the thought, the reminder, of just how much Katelynne was already handling. All other thought left his head as he crossed the expansive kitchen and wrapped his arms around his wife from behind, leaning his forehead against her shoulder. He heard her giggle as her shoulders shook a bit with her laughter. She leaned back into him, turning her head to kiss his cheek. It was the little moments like these that made the months of touring apart seem irrelevant. These were the moments that counted.

"Hey handsome." Kate cooed, laying her own hands atop his where they caressed her hips, still focusing mainly on finding a dish that accommodated Rowan and the rest of the guys but still didn't include Soy seeing as she wasn't supposed to have much of it by her Oncologist's recommendation.

"Hello gorgeous." Kellin hummed, his lips vibrating against her neck as he spoke into her skin.

"Not that I don't love you but why're you distracting me? Unless you want to help me cook..." She trailed off teasingly, knowing he run from the kitchen at the thought. She was most definitely an outstanding woman and wife but she could be more than a bit scary in the kitchen, she got a 'little' commanding and controlling.

"Uh. No. Just no." Kellin groaned, leaning back from her a bit and grinning. She mock-glared at him before smirking and turning back to her book, flipping pages as Kellin went on. "I was wondering where Ro is."

"She's not with you?" Katelynne asked absently, not really realizing what she was hearing.

"I thought she was with you." Kellin countered, finally making Kate's eyes snap to his, abandoning the book.

"No. I thought she was with you." Katelynne's eyes were wide as she stepped away from the counter, removing the apron she'd put on a moment before.

"Well then where is she?" Kellin asked, feeling a little panic bubbling up.

"In her room?" Kate offered, partially already knowing from Kell's expression that it was a bad guess.

"Already checked." Kate opened her mouth but Kellin shook his head, cutting her off. "Checked the bathroom too. And our room."

"Shit." Kate muttered, her eyebrows knitting together in concern. Kellin nodded, completely in agreement with her sentiment. "C'mon."

The pair took off, headed into the living room but she wasn't there. Next was the dining room but it was devoid of anything lifelike. They continued, Kellin opening the door that held the radiator but of course she wasn't there. Katelynne pulled open the door to the spare bathroom but it too was empty. Katelynne's grip on her husband's hand tightened as they flew down the hall.

"I'll check the guest, you check the garage." Katelynne told him, already taking off. He nodded, though he knew she wouldn't see him, and turned toward the laundry room as Kate disappeared into the only unoccupied bedroom.

Something stopped Kellin on his way though. A murmur of sound, a whispering voice. He paused, finding the voice to be coming from the nursery. He was surprised a moment, not realizing they'd left the TV on in there. He decided he'd turn it off on his way, not wanting Copeland to be kept awake by it. As he pushed the partially closed door open, though, he found the voice he'd heard was one much closer to home.

"I was shocked, you know? Like, I'd never really expected it even though I sort of always did in the back of my mind. Does that make any sense? I suppose not. Then again, I'm long past the days of making any sense. I'm pretty messed up, no avoiding it. I think I'm the only person who accepts the fact that I myself am a waste of time. A lost cause. It seems I'm the only one who admits that. I don't really mind though. The less that people understand that the less they leave me as I deserve to be left..."

Her voice cut off with an odd choking sound, she was crying. Kellin had to fight hard against the urge to just go hold her, but he managed it. He took a step back, taking a deep breath and knocking on the door softly. Not enough to scare Cope, but enough to show he was there. He heard a flurry of movement as Rowan tried to right herself. As soon as the room fell quiet again he shoved the door open a bit. "Rowan?"

Rowan's eyes were huge as he faced her, looking almost scared. "I'm sorry."

"W-- What?" Kellin stuttered, not comprehending what she meant.

"I'm sorry..." Rowan said again, just as tentatively as before but with a tiny bit more volume.

"B-- But... For what?" Kellin asked, still stumbling. Rowan shrugged. "Ro, there's nothing to be sorry for." Kellin told her, taking a step closer and peering into his baby's crib to see Copeland sleeping soundly. "You didn't even wake her. Even if you had it wouldn't be a big deal. She is your sister now after all."

The word gave Rowan chills, not unpleasantly though. Sister. She was someone's sister. Someone's big sister. The words were foreign to her but comforting all the same. Still she was quiet. She was worried Kellin was angry, apparently not able to tell he was purely pleased to see she was safe and okay and not alone.

"I talked to the guys... They'll come over in about a couple hours... If that's still okay?" Kellin stated, leaving the end as a question, open for her to change her mind at any time. Rowan just nodded her head, forcibly tugging one side of her mouth into a lopsided smile of what she hoped was reassurance. Kellin smiled halfheartedly too, seeing this was far from easy for her but wanting to help her nevertheless. "Alright then."

"Kellin?! Rowan?" Katelynne called, her tone of panic accentuated by the sound of her quick footfalls as she ran down the hall.

Kellin shuffled back toward the door, calling toward his wife softly, "In here, babe!"

More steps could be heard on the slick tiles in the hallway before Kayelynne appeared by the door, appearing a mix of flustered and relied. Rowan felt, as she often did nowadays, guilty. She tired to ignore it, smiling and turning to face the floor. She could tell that Katelynne and Kellin were sharing a silent conversation in the absence of Rowan's sight but the latter pretended not to notice, instead occupying herself with straightening the dangling music notes attached to Copeland's unique chandelier/mobile. There was a sigh from one of her two foster parents that told Rowan she'd caused yet more trouble in their lives with her little excursion, she wanted to apologize but didn't know how.

"Rowan?" Katelynne called, breaking the once tense silence. Rowan turned, making sure her best smile was plastered on, and nodded. "Do you have anything you'd like to wear tonight? I could take you shopping? Or lend you something?"

Rowan felt a mild panic settle in her stomach, she had to dress up? "Oh, fancy?"

"No no. It's just the guys, no big deal. But I thought maybe it'd be fun, I could do your nails or something?" Katelynne offered. Rowan was stunned for a minute, she wasn't sure how to respond. She wasn't totally comfortable with the idea of any one having their hands on her that way, that close to her wrists, but nor did she want to look bland and gross as she often did, she wanted to make a good first impression on these people who meant so much to Kellin. Was Katelynne only offering because she felt she had to, just to be polite? Or because she thought Rowan needed it to look presentable? Or because she just wanted to? Would it be letting Kate off the hook to decline? Or would it be rude and harsh? Rowan's brain was flooded with questions that she hadn't the answers to. Apparently she'd been staring and thinking for an odd amount of time because Kate cleared her throat and tried again. "It's fine to say no, Rowan. If you don't want to."

"I, um..." Rowan paused, worried as to how to go on, "I think I have something of my own I could wear..." She told them, but paused again at the look of slight disappointment Katelynne hurried to cover up. Rowan rushed to fix it, not wanting to make her foster mother upset. "But would you mind painting my nails?"

Katelynne's smile stretched more genuinely across her lips as she nodded, "Sure. I'll be making dinner but grab me when you're ready?"

"Okay." Rowan muttered, watching as Katelynne kissed Kellin's cheek and left the room with a pleased grin. It made Rowan feel a bit better to know she wasn't causing only misery in her new household.

"Thank you." Kellin said, his smile showing mostly sympathy.

"What for?" Rowan mumbled, messing with the fraying bandage on her hand again, wondering if she'd be allowed to take the wraps off so that Kellin's bandmates didn't immediately see evidence of her insanity.

"I know you only did that for Kate's sake. It means a lot." Kellin told her in a hushed tone, coming closer to the crib again and gently setting one hand on her shoulder. Rowan didn't shrug him off, as he'd half expected her to do, but leaned into his side instead as they both faced Copeland's bed.

"No, no, I really wanted to." But even Rowan herself could tell she was lying. Either way they both left it be. Rowan had a million thoughts running through her head as she leaned her shoulder into his side, looking up at Kellin through her messy hair. "...What if..."

"'What if' what?" Kellin prodded, his face holding a look of confusion as he noticed her obvious nervousness.

"Never mind." Rowan told him, shaking her head and looking back at the mobile. How silly she was, about to actually ask someone for words of comfort. She knew better, the only person you can trust is you.

"No tell me." Kellin pressed, curious as to what would make her seem so distracted. Rowan started to shake her head again but Kellin wouldn't have it, "I'm a persistent motherfucker. I'm not letting it go..." He told her in a sing-song tone.

Rowan nudged his ribs with her bony shoulder, "It's nothing... Just..." But she made the mistake of locking eyes with Kel, "What if they hate me?"

Kellin had known she would be nervous, he knew this was coming but he wasn't really sure how to answer when, in the far corner of his own mind, he was wondering the same. "Look, Ro. I don't hate you, and they're some of my closest friends, they won't either. Alright?" Rowan nodded but neither of their individual thoughts were put to much rest either way. "What all did you bring here from your old... house?" Kellin wasn't sure 'home' was the right word for the huge, decrepit mansion she used to inhabit.

"All of it. There's nothing left in that place that belongs to me." Rowan mumbled, absently chewing on her nails.

"You only brought one bag..." Kellin countered, trying to figure out if she'd forgotten and left something behind or snuck another bag in that he hadn't noticed. She didn't respond but shrugged, which was answer enough. "Right. Well, do you have everything you need to get ready?"

Rowan wasn't sure what 'everything' was, what could she possibly need? She knew she wasn't ever going to look 'nice', no matter how much effort she put in. She just wasn't one of those people, but she didn't know how to say that to Kellin. So she simply nodded and pulled away from him a bit. "I'll go get ready then."

"Uh, no." Kellin muttered, "I, um, you can't be alone... So I'll come..."

Rowan felt a chill run down her spine at the thought of him being present while she bathed. Oh well, she just wouldn't bathe tonight. Again, it never made much difference either way, whether she tried or not she would end up looking a mess. She just sighed and let him follow her as they headed back into Rowan's room.

Kellin sat on the end of her bed as Rowan began to rummage through her bag for something that wasn't too wrinkled. She wouldn't wear the T-shirt she currently donned, though she was reluctant to remove the clothing she'd grown oddly attached to, because it exposed too much skin. Kellin set one foot up on the wooden foot rail, folding his hands and sitting them on his knee. His eyes scanned the room, "You know we could decorate this room... if you'd like. It's yours. Whatever you want to do."

"Uh, sure. That'd be nice." But part of Rowan didn't want to change the room explicitly because she was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. She was waiting for the day she'd screw up bad enough, whether on accident on not, and they'd give up on her. She didn't want to mess up the nicely decorated room only to leave them to paint it back once she was gone.

"I think it'd look better with more color," Kellin mused, "What about green? Your favorite color. What do you think?"

Rowan was a bit surprised he remembered that trivial little fact about her but was still wary of the topic just the same, "It's your house. What ever you think."

Kellin watched as Rowan finally extracted a clean pair of burgundy tights, a white camisole, and grey hoodie with a design of a skateboard stitched on the back in cream colored thread. She would add the black boots she'd worn to therapy that morning, as they were her only pair of shoes other than the beat up Converse stuffed in the bottom of her bag. "I want you to feel at home in here, I want it to be yours." Rowan nodded absentmindedly, busy trying to find the pack of boy-short-underwear Katelynne had purchased in one of her dresser drawers. She was old enough to probably need a bra as well but she'd never been shopping and only ever wore what her mother or Scott were through with, plus with how underdeveloped her weight was she wasn't -shall we say- well endowed anyway. Of course she also wore only baggy shirts either way so it was never much of a worry for her. Though she did make a mental note to see if she could be left off her leash for long enough to try and rectify the issue of her lack of proper underclothes eventually. "Whatcha looking for?" Rowan's cheeks heated up at the thought of telling Kellin so she changed the subject.

"Don't worry about it. So what's for dinner?" She asked in hopes of distracting him, finally finding the packaged and surreptitiously stuffing a clean pair into the pile of clothes she held.

Her plan seemed to work, "Not sure. I think Kate was talking about fish or something... She somehow got this crazy idea that she's some master chef so I never really know. Usually we'd go out when it's a group of us, to avoid this, but we figured it'd be easier this way seeing as--" Kellin trailed off, realizing too late where his words were headed.

"Seeing as I may as well pack a box of tissues and a bucket wherever I go for a meal. Better yet-- a straight jacket." She finished for him, trying to make it lighthearted and jokey, but either way they both knew the words were too factual to be amusing.

"I wasn't going to say that." Kellin assured her.

"But it's the truth." Rowan shrugged, walking into her bathroom and setting the clothes she'd chosen on the counter. "So... Um... I've gotta get dressed..." She said, shuffling her feet against one another and hoping he'd get the message and leave.

Kellin only gave her a sympathetic expression and turned his back to her, still not leaving the room. Rowan sighed, realizing privacy was a thing of the past now, and just changed as quickly as she could. In the midst of hopping on one leg to pull on her tights she banged her elbow into the counter.

"Ow, FUCK!"

"What happened??" Kellin looked as if he were about to turn and face her in a moment of blind surprise but forced his posture to remain, not knowing if she was dressed. "What's wrong??"

"Nothing-- Ow. Shit! Fuck me-- Nothing!" Rowan alternated between rubbing her elbow and trying to hurry into her clothes. "I don't know why they call it a 'funny bone'," Rowan grumbled, "It's sure as hell not funny when you slam it into a block of marble."

She watched Kellin's shoulder shake, he was laughing quietly. She wanted to get on to him for laughing at her but she was busy biting her lip into oblivion to keep from screaming in pain as she accidentally smacked her punctured palm against the counter in an attempt to keep from hitting her elbow a second time. Instead she just focused on getting dressed. Finally she was clothed, having left her boots in her room by the door, her dirty tights in a ball with the hoodie she'd worn to therapy that morning in the corner of the en-suite and Kellin's shirt folded nicely and sat on the countertop beside the sink. She scooped the mess up and decided to stuff it all into her backpack. Rowan walked out from the bathroom and to her bag again, shoving her old clothing in and leaving the folded shirt atop the pile.

"Here, give me the dirty ones and I'll put them in the washer." Kellin offered, walking her way. Rowan hesitated, not wanting to give up the shirt of his just yet. It had become a security blanket to her. At his raised eyebrow Rowan relented, getting on her knees and dumping the bag over on the floor, handing him all the clothing she owned seeing as it was all dirty: her navy sweatshirt, heather grey hoodie, brown oversized shirt, black hoodie, two white tank tops, three black camisoles, black leggings, white tights, charcoal tights, two pairs of underwear, and one pair of socks. She left her Chucks on the ground as she handed him the clothes, consciously making sure Kellin's shirt was still semi-folded and hidden beneath the sneakers. Apparently she wasn't fast enough to tuck it away because Kellin pointed to it and asked, "What about that one?"

Rowan shrugged, "Only worn it twice."

"Well if I'm putting the rest in it may as well get cleaned too." Kellin said, smiling kindly and holding out his hand for the shirt. Rowan bit her already chapped lip and tried to think of a way not to have to hand it over but as she looked up at his gentle expression once more she didn't have the heart to cause a scene, forcing herself instead to hand the shirt over. As soon as Kellin threw it on the pile in his other arm he reached his free hand down to mess up her hair a bit, making Rowan grin. "C'mon."

Rowan pushed herself up, avoiding putting pressure on her re-opened sliced hand, and followed Kellin to the laundry room. She waited while he put everything in, getting increasingly annoyed with the feeling that she was unwillingly handcuffed to Kellin. It wasn't that she disliked Kellin, far from it obviously, but she was used to having mainly free-reign over her life, being independent, so this was incredibly weird for her. Finally, as Kellin was switching the already wet clothes he'd removed to make room for hers into the drier she gave up. "Do you think Katelynne would mind helping me now?"

Kellin wasn't offended, he could see she was restless, he just faked hurt, pouting in his best impression of his two year old daughter, "Sick of me already?"

Rowan rolled her eyes, shoving him lightly in the shoulder, "You know it."

"Well fine then." He sniffed, sticking his nose in the air, facing away from Rowan. They both broke, laughing loudly together, "I kid, Ro, I kid. Go ahead."

Rowan smirked and took off, suddenly incredibly energized. She ran down the hall as fast as she could, sliding on the slippery tiles in her hose-clad feet to stop at the kitchen. She caught her breath and opened the swinging door to the kitchen with a honest smile playing on her lips. As soon as she stepped inside, however, the smile slipped away, replaced by a grimace as the smell of their delicious meal in the works wafted her way. It made her empty stomach tighten sharply, threatening to growl loudly and give her away. She hurried to leave but before she could Katelynne noticed her there.

"Oh, hey!" Katelynne exclaimed, her own grin a mile wide as she shrugged out of her apron. "I was just putting the last of it in the oven, are you ready?"

Rowan was afraid to open her mouth, as if by staying sealed up she was keeping in the caged monster called Hunger, so she just nodded. Katelynne's attitude was always warm, loving, maternal. All things Rowan was unaccustomed to but had begged for all her life. It was a dream come true, right? But what she hadn't realized was that, after a lifetime of neglect, it would be a chore to force herself to open up enough to welcome such a caring person into herself. Rowan was determined to, though, she was determined to open up and let herself care and be cared for. She trailed behind Katelynne as they wound their way to the bathroom attached to messy, unoccupied spare room. As Kate pushed the door open Rowan froze, awestruck.

The bathroom was as big as, if not larger than, the bedroom to which it was attached. It was open, modern, huge. The walls were papered with a deep purple paper sprinkled with pale lavender damask print which contrasted beautifully with the crisp white furniture. There was a vanity, a his and hers sink and mirror set, a jacuzzi bathtub and rain shower, and an attached walk-in-closet. The white and grey swirled marble floor was cool beneath Rowan's feet as they shuffled inside.

"You like it?" Katelynne asked, a smirk on her lips and one eyebrow quirked up, clearly amused by Rowan's reaction. Rowan blushed, embarrassed to be caught with her mouth hanging open.

"Um, yeah." She muttered, laying one of her ever-icy hands against her flaming cheeks. "Is this all yours?"

"Yeah. Before my parents moved in, after I was diagnosed, this room and this bathroom were like my studio. I'm in fashion. If you hadn't guessed." Katelynne grinned, walking into the room and beginning to open drawers and scoop items into her hands.

"Oh, I thought it was for an accountant." Rowan quipped, her natural sarcasm flowing as if she were joking with Kellin. Then she realized it wasn't Kellin she was talking to and Kate might take it the wrong way, "Oh, I didn't--"

But her voice petered out as Katelynne's laughter cut through the cool air. "It's fine, Rowan, I got it." She winked Rowan's way. "Go ahead, check everything out, grab anything you think's cool. The make-up's in the drawers here, hair stuff is in that cabinet over there, and nail polishes are in a little cubbie under the sink."

Rowan began to do as she was told, her fingers trailing over the smooth countertop and tracing the swirling patterns in the marble there that matched the floor. She opened the first drawer Kate had indicated, seeing too many brushes to count. She didn't know which one did what so she just closed that drawer and moved on, finding more interest in the drawer of bases and concealers. She picked up the palest color she could find and examined it more closely, entranced by the idea of having the ability to cover her embarrassing scars. She set it on the counter and found a matching cover-up to set beside it.

There was this strangest little thrill she felt, she imagined it to be how many girls felt when experiencing a first secret kiss or taking their first sip of alcohol behind their doting parents' backs. However hers was because she could now hide her hideous marks from whoever else she met, her mistakes could truly be her secret and no one had to see the evidence they left behind. The next drawer was full to the brim of eyeshadows in all colors and shades, Rowan just picked a couple golden browns and figured Katelynne would know how to combine them better than she did. After she'd pulled a random black eyeliner and sheer lipgloss she turned to see Katelynne looking through the only cabinet she hadn't pointed out to Rowan. As she looked a bit closer Rowan saw her foster mother to be looking at a selection of a few wigs. All were black, the color that was apparently Kate's natural, and all long but each styled a bit differently. Rowan's cheeks flared red hot again to have caught Katelynne in what was clearly a private moment. She hurried to look back at the drawers, pulling a random one open and not really seeing what she was inside through the tears pooling in her eyes and blurring her vision. She felt sorry for Katelynne in a way she'd never really done for her birth mother. Her mother hadn't taken cancer with grace, far from it—she'd done everything in her power to make Rowan suffer even more than she herself had to. It was sickening. On the other hand, though, Katelynne had gone out of her way to make Rowan feel welcome, despite everything already on her plate. Rowan's heart ached, she wanted to take it away from Katelynne, to just give herself cancer so that Kate didn't have to deal with it. She remembered the days when her mother lost her hair, so long ago, she'd refused to shave it off. Instead it was like this sadistic, masochistic game where Rowan had to wake everyday to her mother's cries as she found yet more hair to be falling out, always living on the edge, terrified to set her mother off. Her mother would scream at her, telling Rowan that she was the reason her mother had cancer, because of how much stress she caused. She wondered if Kate had shaved her head or waited, either way she was stronger than her mother ever had been. That much Rowan knew.

Rowan shook her head, blinking back tears and quickly wiping the few that fell with her sleeves, trying to clear her head. As she did so she finally looked at the drawer she'd opened. KY Jelly, Trojan Condoms... It was chock full of sex stuff. Rowan's face was hotter than ever, she was sure she looked like a tomato, as she hurried to slam the drawer shut, making a bang sound in the process. Rowan rushed to open another drawer (checking first to see it was full of harmless eyelash-curlers, mascara, and false lashes) as Katelynne snapped her head around at the sound. Rowan threw Kate a grin of what she hoped was reassurance over her shoulder, trying to remain mostly hidden in her wild curls to avoid eye-contact, and pulled out whichever mascara her fingers landed on first.

"You got it all?" Katelynne asked, having closed the cabinet and walked over to Rowan. Rowan nodded, "What about a nail polish?" Katelynne ducked into the cabinet below the sink and pulled out the cubbie, letting Rowan chose the color. Rowan knew she didn't wear much of a variety of color so she chose black, assuming it would go easily with everything. "Awesome. Let's get to work."

---

"Knock, knock!" Kellin voice called through the bathroom-suite's door, "Can I come in?"

Katelynne sighed, dropping the brush dipped in foundation to her side, "NO! GO AWAY!"

Kellin groaned childishly, "BUT–"

"NOPE! GO!" Katelynne called back, making Rowan giggle.

"FINE!" Kellin yelled, making Rowan almost positive he was pouting right about now.

"How much do you wanna bet he's stomping around like a toddler right now?" Katelynne muttered, voicing Rowan's exact thoughts. The two laughed, "Alright, alright, be still." Rowan did as she was told, closing her eyes and sitting still, facing Katelynne and the mirror surrounded in lights. "This is the base. Alright?" Rowan started to nod but Katelynne gripped her chin to still her.

"Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah, okay." Rowan told her, leaning into the chair to get a bit more comfortable. She let Katelynne get on with it, asking a few questions but staying still and quiet for the most part. It was disconcerting to her to be literally blindly trusting someone, closed eyes and giving the power over to another, but she fought hard against her instincts that told her to run and let Katelynne have her fun. What seemed like hours later Katelynne had stopped her work.

"Perfect." Kate told her, stepping to the side, "Open your eyes." Rowan did so, hesitantly at first but more confidently as she found Katelynne had moved out of the way of the mirror and therefore caught sight of her reflection. "What do you think?"

Rowan was silent, staring at the girl in the mirror in shock. There was no way that was her reflection. There was no world in which the Rowan she saw in the mirror an hour ago and the Rowan facing her now were the same person. She was a fair skinned young girl with wild eyes staring back at her. The girl's lips were full and a pretty shape, their natural pink color enhanced by the sparkly gloss that made them shiny. Her bright eyes were wide, made to pop even more by the line of eyeliner tracing the edges and neutral shadows expertly applied, still framed by Rowan's naturally shaped but thicker eyebrows. Her cheeks were lightly flushed with a rosy glow and her sharp cheekbones only added to her beauty. For the first time in her life Rowan saw in the mirror someone who wouldn't look better off in a coffin.

"You hate it." Katelynne said, trying to mask her hurt for Rowan's sake. Rowan gaped at her, how could anyone hate this?

"Not in a million years!" She cried, splitting her looks between her strange reflection and Katelynne's growing pride. "I-- I love it! Thank you!" Rowan, without even thinking about it, threw herself forward and wrapped her arms around Katelynne's neck. It took a moment of mutual shock but Katelynne responded, wrapping her own arms around Rowan's waist and squeezing her tight.

"I'm so glad." Her words were so incredibly heartfelt that Rowan rocked back into her seat just to look at Katelynne, blink, and make sure she was really awake. This was too good to be true. As she did so she found Kate's brown eyes to be glossy, tears threatening to spill. Katelynne just smiled as she fought to keep her waterworks at bay, "Now for your hair."

Rowan settled back into her chair, letting Katelynne run her brush through the mass of curls framing her face.

"What do you want done?" Katelynne asked, her fingers running through her foster daughter's hair.

"Simple, I suppose, nothing much please." Rowan shrugged, still unable to wipe the grin off her masked face. Katelynne nodded and set to work, brushing through her hair and adding varying products. It only took about fifteen minutes to get it to sit just right and lastly they moved on to nails. Katelynne was quite the expert, Rowan's nails looked professionally done in a matter of minutes. As she was waiting for them to dry there was another knock on the door.

"CAN I COME IN NOW?!" Kellin yelled through the door, making Katelynne, who was finishing her own nails, giggle.

"FINE!" She called back, laughing with Rowan as Kellin hurried to throw the door open, a big smile on his face.

As soon as Kellin and Rowan made eye-contact two very strange things happened: Kellin's jaw dropped and he shot daggers at Katelynne and Rowan burt into laughter. She laughed so hard, in fact, that she fell out of her chair and onto the plush violet rug beneath her. Kellin's wide eyes were still on Katelynne.

"I thought you were just doing each other's nails?!" He screeched, his voice even higher pitched than usual in his state of shock.

"Oh chill, Kell, we just had a little fun. Right, Ro?" But Katelynne received no response other than a renewed wave of giggles erupting from Rowan's glossy lips. "What's so funny?"

Rowan just shook her head at them, unable to speak with what little amount of oxygen she could get to her aching lungs in the bout of laughter.

Kellin looked a mix of confused, amused, and still a bit shocked as he looked to Katelynne. "The guys are on their way."

Katelynne nodded, "Rowan, I'm going to finnish dinner, alright?" Rowan nodded as well seeing as that was all she could do. Katelynne giggle a bit herself at the sight.

Kellin was left in the room with Rowan, the latter of whom was so entertained he couldn't get a word in edgewise. He couldn't help but chuckle as well at the image of Rowan so genuinely happy, he didn't care what the cause of it was. "C'mon, Ro. They'll be here soon."

Rowan pushed herself to stand, luckily her nails were already dry and the bandage on her hand had been removed. Her wrist was still wrapped and her stitches from the incident after her mother's death remained but they were all safely hidden within the fabric of her armor (hoodie and tights). She was still giggling breathlessly as Kellin followed her to her bedroom. She slipped her boots back on, though it was a bit silly to wear shoes indoors she wanted to look like she'd put effort into her outfit, only barely wincing as she hit the healing cuts on the tops of her feet and ankles through her tights. She'd cut nearly every inch of her body she could reach that day and now that she was out of the hospital and off the drip of painkillers she could feel the effects of her mistakes. It also occurred to her, though, that it wasn't until she had truly opened herself up to smile and laugh and care that she felt this pain. She was used to numbness of dulled emotions so all of this full-force feeling was strange to her. She figured the laughter and the pain went hand in hand, if she was to feel one she'd have to feel it all. She could feel herself getting lost in the maze of her own thoughts but as soon as she looked at Kellin she laughed again because, like before, only one word was in her head: condoms. She found it incredibly hilarious. Thanks to that drawer she'd accidentally opened it was all she could think about. She bit her lip, tasting the strawberry lipgloss, to keep her giggles silent.

"What?" Kellin asked, cocking up one eyebrow in response to her expression that looked a bit like she was about to implode, "What is this amusing?" But his only answer was more giggles and Rowan avoiding eye-contact with him. He just shook his head and grinned, glad that whatever he'd done to make her smile was working so well. "Hurry up! They'll–"

Kellin was cut off by the sound of the doorbell. Rowan's heart constricted, her stomach doing flips akin to that which you experience sitting at the top of the biggest drop on a roller coaster.

"That'll be them." Kellin smiled, looking like a kid on Christmas morning. Rowan, on the other hand, felt more like the kid in line for the haunted house whose friends had forced them into on Halloween. "Let's go."

Notes

Shoutout to:
bandsaremylife

I hope you guys enjoyed this... Also, I can't really tell if this is too long or just right because I'm a weirdo who loves really long chapters.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this whirlwind of a chapter. It had a lot of ups and downs, huh?

Well I realized that a lot of this story was focused on the downs, which there are no shortage of, but I wanted you to see she isn't miserable with the Quinn's, she already cares so much for them, but she is still broken. She isn't all better in the blink of an eye because, whether we like it or not, that's not how it works. Depression is a diagnosable medical condition that takes time.

But I'm not here to preach to you from my soapbox, seeing as I'm more of just preaching to the choir here, besides the fact that I have nothing to say since I, like many of you, am experiencing it all myself just now.

Also, do you guys like the Polyvore links? Do you want me to do that? Or is it fine without? Just something I'm trying. I might just do it for certain chapters, or maybe all of them, or never again. It's up to you. I want you guys to like this story. That's a huge deal to me.

Anyway, I've got ideas for the next few chapters that I can honestly say I'm really excited for, so I hope you are too. Soon you'll see the other men of SWS... WHO'S EXCITED?!? Just... Just me? Right. Love you guys anyways.

Comment? Rate? Subscribe?
Thanks for reading,
MM