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Navy Blue Eyes

Her Hum, His Words.

HEY! DON'T FREAK OUT OKAY? LIKE, EVERY TIME YOU WANT TO SMACK ME IN THIS BEGINNING BIT: JUST KEEP READING! IT'LL MAKE SENSE! LOVE YOU! ENJOY!
"Rowan, you need to go get ready!" I called, rounding the corner to the living room to find my daughters playing some game on Ro's phone. Copeland was sitting on Rowan's lap and pressing random places on the screen, obviously not able to play properly but making Ro laugh all the same. Rowan turned toward me and nodded, I came to sit beside them on the couch and Rowan stretched her feet out to lay across my lap. "You know this isn't what I meant, right?"

She smirked at me, "Yeah, yeah. I know. I'll go in a sec."

Rowan had changed a lot in the years she's lived with us. She was now 17 years old and working in post-grad for a Medical career. She'd stopped with her old fashion sense a bit, still wearing only leggings (she hated jeans and shorts with a passion) but she had been wearing cutoffs or t-shirts in the summer in the past couple of years. She was now wearing an old Anthem Made shirt she'd had for at least three years which she had cut into a cutoff style and white tights. You could see nearly all of her scars but she knew by now that in this house she was safe from judgement. Even though she'd been released from the rehab program months ago with a stamp of approval she still wasn't much heavier than she had been when I first saw her. We were told that she might just always look that way due to malnutrition in her childhood. Copeland adored her sister more than any of us had ever anticipated. Even now she didn't spare a glance my way, too enraptured by Rowan.

Copeland surprised me by breaking into the conversation, "Rollie," She began, using the nickname she'd come up with for Rowan, "Why does your skin look like that?"

Time seemed to stop, my breath was gone from my lungs and I couldn't resist my look going straight to Rowan. She was still staring at her phone but no longer seemed entertained by her game, instead there was a distinct line of tears brimming the edge of her eyes. She looked back at me for a split second before looking down to her exposed arms. I wasn't sure what to do, Copeland was a relatively quiet child and never spoke so boldly.

"Cope, I think sissy needs to get ready for school. And mommy needs your help with dinner. Okay?" Cope looked at me confusedly, also seeming disappointed to have not been given an answer. She was very intuitive and could tell when she was being lied to.

"No, Cope, hold up." Rowan sat up a bit, re-situating her sister on her lap and looking my toddler right in the eyes. "Cope-Cake," Copeland grinned at being called by the nickname that only Rowan was allowed to use, "You know how you read stories about monsters?" Cope nodded. I couldn't tear my eyes away, wondering where she was going with this. "Well there's this one monster named 'Depression' and it's evil. It makes you think nasty things and say mean words and be sad all the time. You can laugh and pretend but you just can't feel happy if Depression has a hold of you." Cope's wide eyes were on Rowan, taking in every word. "The monster has claws and they scratch you and leave marks behind, but it does other scary things too. The monster had me. Depression was so mean to me, for most of my life." Cope looked as if she was being told a ghost story and, in a way, I suppose she was. I tried not to react, wanting to see where this was going, but I could tell Copeland was scared and I almost wanted to stop Ro. "But guess what?"

"What?" Copeland asked, her voice even smaller than usual.

"Someone saved me from the monster." Rowan told her, a tiny smile tugging the corner of her lips.

"Who?" Cope's eyes were even wider than before, "Who saved you?"

Rowan's eyes flickered to mine for a split second, so quickly I nearly missed it, before she looked back to Cope. Rowan lifted one hand and pointed toward me, making Copeland turn to me with saucer-sized eyes. "Daddy and mommy saved me." Copeland looked back at Rowan for confirmation and Ro nodded, then Cope looked back at me. "Daddy's a superhero. He saved me when you were just a baby. And he still saves me everyday. Because the monster doesn't just disappear, it comes back every once in a while to try again but it never wins because daddy's always there to save me. But don't worry, Depression will never get you because daddy's here. You're safe, Cope-Cake."

At this point I was fighting back my own tears. I could feel my eyes stinging and my heart throbbing and my chest aching and a pit in my stomach growing but I ignored it all and forced myself to smile at Copeland, even winking at her. She giggled and grinned. "My daddy's a superhero."

"That's right." Rowan nodded, pulling her sister close and kissing her forehead. "I'm going to go get ready for school, okay?" Cope nodded, crawling off Ro's lap and over to mine. Rowan got up and went around the back of the couch, kissing the back of my head as she went past and into the hall. Copeland looked up at me, her full adoration shining in her eyes.

"Daddy?" I nodded, letting her know I was listening, "Will you save me if the monster gets me?"

"Baby, I'll never have to because the monster wouldn't dare come near you." I tried to keep from remembering the sickly vision of finding Rowan in the bathroom that first day we really spent together, promising myself and my daughter that she'd would never be there.

"But you would do it if it did, right?" And before my eyes I saw a little red line drawn across my baby's arm as if there were an invisible marker there. I nodded at her and she smiled, but tears were falling from her eyes all of a sudden. Then another line appeared, and another. I looked more closely and found that it was blood. Cuts were appearing on Copeland's skin, without any indication as to how they were being created. "So will you save me now, daddy?" Her eyes changed color, turning into the deepest of blues. A color I'd only seen once before in watery orbs, and it was terrifying.

Kellin shot straight up in bed, his head spinning and his vision blurred. He rubbed his eyes and blinked but still couldn't see anything until he realized it was because the room was black. He sighed, taking in much needed air and trying to clam himself down. He heard Katelynne turn over in bed, rustling the sheets, and then return to slowly breathing, still asleep. 'A dream. No... a nightmare. Only a nightmare.' He tried to bring himself back into reality, remembering that Cope was still only a year and a half, Rowan was still only thirteen. They were both sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware of his turmoil. He realized he wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep and pushed the heavy comforter off himself. He made sure Kate was still okay before creeping from the room, being as quiet as he could and making his way to their door. He decided against looking in the girls' rooms yet, instead planning to go sit in the kitchen for a bit with a cup of decaf. He was halfway down the hall when he felt a chill in the air, had someone turned the thermostat down? It may've been Katelynne, this type of treatment gave her odd hot flashes and chills as if she were a menopausal woman with a cold. Kellin pushed open the swinging door into the kitchen but found that there was a light on. He could then see the fridge door standing wide open, bright light and cold air spilling out into the room. Before the fridge sat a little girl curled into herself, looking blankly at the contraption as if it were a fascinating piece of art.

"Rowan?" His voice was croaky with sleep but she heard him nonetheless. She turned to look at him and there was a small part of him that was shocked to see she was still the same scared little girl he'd put to sleep that night. She was only thirteen, still with damp hair and pale skin and only warmed by the large Anthem shirt she wore, having pulled it to cover her knees which were tucked to her chest. "Hey."

She nodded at him and then looked back at the open fridge. "Hey."

"What's going on? Why are you up?" She didn't look at him but something in the way she was sitting changed, she was more rigid.

"I could ask you the same." She replied, not icily but not heartwarming either.

Kellin wasn't sure how to answer since he was still trying to figure it out himself so he just walked over to her, grabbed two diet cokes from the fridge and sat down beside her. They just sat there a moment, staring into the icebox and drinking their sodas until Rowan spoke again.

"What time is it?" Kellin didn't have his cell so he craned his neck to check the clock on the microwave above.

"Uh... four twenty-one in the morning." He sighed, slumping back to sit down. "Why are we staring at the contents of the refrigerator?"

"Why not." She shrugged but there was clearly more to it. Kellin didn't respond but waited for her to go on, eventually she sighed and spoke. "I thought maybe it wouldn't be as bad to eat it later if I had resisted it for a while first."

"What?" Kellin was groggy, he knew, but he was almost positive that wouldn't make sense in any case.

"I hoped I wouldn't feel as guilty about eating later if I had deprived myself for a while first. If I sit here with an empty stomach and don't cave in to my hunger for hours then maybe I won't feel so bad about giving in later."

Her cheeks were a bit pink, though the rest of her complexion was washed out by the pure white light pouring from the fridge as it illuminated her face. He couldn't help but feel guilty on her behalf. "You need it, Rowan. That's the difference. You need to eat. You have to. To live." She rolled her eyes, clearly telling him that was exactly one of the reasons she didn't eat. "You know what else you need? To live. You need to live, Rowan. You can't just give up. You can't give up on life, on living... on me. You just can't."

For the first time since he'd entered she really looked at him. "I'm trying."

He nodded, knowing that was true. She looked so depleted, exhausted and so desperate not to be. She was drained but she just wanted to stop feeling that way. "You should go back to sleep, you have to be up in a couple hours. Your first session with Ms. Bricker is today." Rowan looked away again, focusing on the fridge.

"I couldn't even if I tried." Her voice was distant, empty, as if she were reading words from paper. Kellin looked back to the fridge too, trying not to make her uncomfortable with his gaze on her.

"I get it." He told her, catching from a sidelong glance that she smiled a bit at that. "You aren't scheduled for breakfast until six-fifteen but would you like to try now?" She thought for a moment, maybe it was best to attempt this without so many people around. Maybe she could at least try. She nodded, facing him once more. Kellin could see the apprehension clearly written on her face but smiled anyway, grateful she was making an effort. "What would you like?"

"Don't you guys have rules to follow?" She questioned, raising an eyebrow at him.
Kellin grinned again, "There's something you were supposed to eat if you had breakfast at 6:15, but that's not now is it? 'Sides, I'm nothing if not a rebel." She smiled too. He knew he probably shouldn't let her off the hook so early on, she needed to know they were serious about this, but what else could he do? She just looked so desperate. "So," He stood, setting his soda on the counter and offering a hand to her before tugging her to her own feet, "what would you like?"

He threw open every single one of their cabinets, revealing more than enough cereal, oatmeal, and granola bar options along with every other item they owned. She smirked, stepping onto one of the lower-cabinet's exposed shelves as a stool and reaching into the one above. Kellin saw her grab the Lucky Charms and Coco Puffs.

"Good choice." He gave her a serious expression and a thumbs-up, making her roll her eyes. He grabbed the milk from the fridge, quickly checking that nothing had melted in the time the door had been open but it seemed fine. She stopped him though, putting the milk to the side and pulling out the orange juice and two eggs. She turned to him. "Why no milk?"

"We won't need it yet." She shrugged, placing the two eggs in Kellin's hands. "You scramble, I'll do the rest."

Kellin nodded, pulling out a pan and setting up, quickly closing the rest of the cabinets after Rowan had pulled down two bowls. Rowan was working, moving around behind him but he heard the sounds of her actions nonetheless. Once he was done he dumped the eggs onto two plates, cleaned up so Kate wouldn't have to and turned back to Rowan. He found her with two full bowls and sitting on the floor against the far wall in the kitchen. He shook his head, chuckling at her odd choice in placement, and came to sit beside her. He gave her one plate and set the other before himself.

"So what's all this?" He asked, looking to see her pouring out some orange juice... into her bowl.

"I like weird food. So sue me." She sniffed, speaking with the sarcasm he loved to hear her use. She poured the juice into the bowl, making the cereal float higher where Kellin could see she'd mixed Coco Puffs with the marshmallows from the other cereal. She took a spoonful up to her mouth and stared at it. "I'm..." She began, staring directly at her food, "I'm not sure I can do this."

Kellin set down his own bowl (thankfully not fully made so he could make it the normal way) and offered her his hand. She let her gaze flick to his hand before taking it with her free one, the one that was bandaged, and looking right back at the spoon. "Well it does seem like an odd mix, maybe that's why." She tried to laugh at his ill-placed joke but neither of them actually found the situation funny. "You can do it, Ro. Just take it slow, one bite at a time. Just one."

She nodded, sucking in a deep breath as if readying herself to face a ferocious beast which, Kellin supposed, is exactly how it felt to her. She took the food like a champ, in Kellin's eyes, swallowing quickly and setting the bowl down. She leaned her head back against the wall, looking up at the celling and squinting her eyes shut, squeezing Kellin's hand all the while. She sighed, reopening her eyes and picking up a forkful of eggs. She didn't hesitate, taking the bite hurriedly and chasing it down with water.

"See? You're fine. Just don't push yourself, okay?" She nodded, taking another bite of eggs. He had planned to eat with her, just to make her fell less pressured, but he cared more about holding her hand through this (physically and metaphorically) than his meal, not that his nightmare had left him with much of an appetite anyway. As she swallowed her fifth bite, having alternated between cereal and eggs, she looked up at the celling once more.

"I'm done. I can't eat anymore. Please don't make me... I just... I can't. I feel like– like–"

He cut her off by squeezing her hand, "That's fine, Rowan. So long as you tried. You did really good, Ro. I mean it." He leaned over and kissed the top of her head before standing and picking up the remnants of their meal. He cleared it all away, washing his own down as well seeing as he was sick at the idea of eating at all, before walking back over to her and resuming his place. "I'm proud of you."

It was said barely above a whisper but she heard him loud and clear. She was speechless but he understood that nothing needed to be said anyway. They sat in silence for a while before it was once again broken by Rowan.

"I'm scared."

"What of?"

She thought about it, it was hard to put into words. She almost said the true answer, 'Myself', but stopped herself short, choosing a less daunting way to go about the conversation. "Therapy. I suck at it."

"How can you be bad at therapy?" He asked, bemused on the surface but genuinely curious underneath.

"I don't do well with talking about... me. About my life." She shrugged, leaning her head against his shoulder.

"Then tell her about something else. Start small. Like your least favorite candy. Or a happy memory." Kellin tried, Rowan scoffed.

"Don't have those."

"Think hard. Something, anything."

"Uh..." She wracked her brain, trying to come up with even one, "I suppose my sixth birthday... I was still in full time school and the teacher must have guessed something was up in my life, knew I wouldn't get a party, so she had all the kids sing happy birthday to me and even brought cupcakes. It was really the first time I considered my existence on Earth as something to celebrate. I told her that, Ms. Ryan, and she said that I was the most intelligent child she'd ever known. I felt special." Rowan shrugged, suddenly stopping herself as she realized she'd been speaking for so long, embarrassed to have spilt something like that since Kellin probably couldn't care less about her trivial little life.

"Give me another." Kellin smiled, seeing that he'd somehow managed to pry open the gate to the inner her and planned to keep her talking as long as he could seeing as how rare this was.

Rowan sighed, not really wanting to go on, but another thought popped into her head and fell from her lips before she even really realized what was happening, "There was this day, it was like a week before Christmas when I was eight, and my mother took me to get a tree. She said we were going to get a small one because I hadn't been good enough to deserve a big tree and a present. I didn't mind, it wasn't every year that we got a tree at all. So we were there, and I found the perfect one and the man came over to bag is up and he told me that he had a direct line to Santa, and that Santa had told him I had to get a bigger tree. I was thrilled, my mother was livid, but in that moment I didn't care and she couldn't exactly stop the man from doing me a favor so she just payed the price of the one we'd originally requested and the man gave us the biggest one they had left anyway. I didn't end up getting a present, as punishment, but I didn't care because that was the most beautiful tree I'd ever seen in my life."

There was this far-away look in Rowan's eyes, her expression wasn't exactly 'happy' but it wasn't lost looking either so that was a comfort to Kellin. "Go on."

She shook her head, suddenly seeing to come back to Earth. "I should probably go, uh, get ready." She stood up, dusting herself off. "Thanks for breakfast."

Before Kellin could even scramble to his feet Rowan was gone. "Fuck."

Kellin turned the car into the lot, pulling right up to the front doors and stopping. It had been awkwardly quiet the entire car ride over, which was odd for the two of them seeing as they'd fallen into such a comfortable atmosphere together since they'd met. Kellin tried to break the thick tension, "Ready?" Rowan nodded, stuffing her beat up old phone into her pocket. "You know where to go?" She nodded again, looking almost terrified of stepping out of the car. "You'll be fine. Go be you, kid."

She tried to force a smile but it fell as more of a grimace, either way she popped open the door and got out. At the last second she turned back to Kellin and just stood there, begging him to stop her from going in. He sighed, wishing there were a way to make it easier on her.

"I'll be here when you're done, okay?" Rowan nodded, still not fully able to reciprocate Kellin's sympathetic smile. She made her way through the sliding glass doors, glancing over her shoulder to see Kellin putting his seatbelt back on before peeling out. She sucked in a deep breath and followed the signs toward Bricker's office. She found it without much incident and signed in, taking a seat in the furthest corner and hoping a hole would appear beneath her and swallow her up. No such luck. She was left sitting there without escape until the office door opened and a plain looking woman in her mid forties came out. She beckoned Rowan back, giving her a kind smile without much substance.

As soon as they reached the room Rowan's stomach erupted in butterflies. She followed the woman into the room, finding it to be decorated in warm browns and creamy whites, making it feel clean-cut but not sterile. Rowan sat on one side of the couch, folding her legs up to her chest, and watched as Mrs. Bricker sat opposite her in a chair. It was quiet a moment and Rowan wondered if there was something she was supposed to be doing but finally Mrs. Bricker stepped in.

"So, Rowan, how was your first night with the Quinn's?" she asked, her tone off-hand and conversational but Rowan knew better, she knew that every word she said was to be analyzed and observed.

"Fine."

"What about meals?" she went on, indicating she already knew what'd happened the night before but wanted Rowan to tell her on her own. Rowan wouldn't give her that satisfaction.

"Fine."

"No problems at all?" she pressed, leaning forward in her chair, making Rowan increasingly nervous.

"You obviously already know something so you don't need me to tell you," Rowan quipped, cocking an eyebrow up at the woman.

"I'd like to know you're side of the story," Mrs. Bricker offered, smiling tightly at Rowan despite the fact that she was clearly growing frustrated with Rowan's lack of effort.

"I tried to eat, threw up, and they let me sleep. End of." Rowan shrugged, using her most carefully crafted tone of nonchalance.

"I'm not sure I believe that," Mrs. Bricker replied calmly, still keeping with her well-trained ability to stay cool and collected. "I'm sure there's more to it."

Rowan rolled her eyes, not even bothering with the niceties at this point. "Even if there was more to tell I wouldn't tell you."

And thus began the silence. The never ending quiet they held together in the expertly designed 'safe-place' that neither of them seemed particularly inclined to break. Both were challenging the other's will power, who would crack first?

"Hey man." Kellin spoke into the car's speakerphone system as he drove.

"Hey Kell, how're you holding up?" Vic replied, sounding nothing short of calmly caring.

"I'm here, that's something right?" Kellin replied, as if it were a lighthearted joke though they could both feel the underlying tension and exhaustion. "Are you on your way?"

"I'm almost there, you?"

"Just pulling off the free-way. See you soon?"

"Yeah, meet you there." With that they hung up.

As Kellin pulled into the parking lot he pulled out his sunglasses and slid them on while pulling up his hoodie, knowing his hair was a mess and his eyes were bloodshot seeing as he'd gotten a total of an hour of sleep the night before thanks to his odd nightmare. He ducked into the restaurant, Sweet Butter, quickly, his itchy hidden eyes scanning for Vic. He spotted his friend in the far back corner of the patio area and wove through the semi-crowded cafe.

"Hey." Kellin murmured, scared to speak much louder in his sleep-deprived rasp. Vic heard him nonetheless and grinned up at him with a shadow of sympathy.

"Go ahead and sit, I already ordered my drink but I'll go get yours, what did you want?" Vic was already standing, despite Kellin's protests. "Oh stop whining, I'm ordering for us, you look like a drug addict without a fix right now. So just tell me what to get or I'll order you the grossest thing I can find."

Kellin rolled his eyes but couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped his lips at the easy banter he had with one of his closest friends. "Fine, just get me whatever you get."

"You can't even chose your own meal? God, I feel like we're in kindergarten." Vic sassed, making Kellin laugh all over again, "I kid, I kid. I'll be back."

As Vic went in to order Kellin pulled out his phone, making sure neither Kate or Ro needed him but it was clear aside from a tweet from Vic.

@PierceTheVic: Lunch with that fool named @KellinQuinn
Kellin laughed out loud, enjoying the brief moment free of stress. He pounded on his phone, typing a reply.

@KellinQuinn: @piercethevic yeah well you're dumb. #KindergartenComebacks.
Kellin was about to slide his phone into his pocket when it vibrated with another twitter notification.

@PierceTheVic: @KellinQuinn I know you are but what am I? #KindergartenComebacks #WorkedEveryTime.
Kellin rolled his eyes, only Vic would take the time to reply in such a childish fashion.

@KellinQuinn: @piercethevic oh shut up and bring me my food peasant.
Kellin shoved his cell into his pocket, dropping his hood and massing with his hair until he decided it was well enough to leave alone. Vic reemerged a moment later with Kellin's soda and a metal pole and plastic table number printed with 42. He took his seat and grimaced at Kellin.

"I'm not your 50's housewife," he grumbled, obviously kidding. Kellin just laughed, reveling in this escape. "So how was night number one?"

Kellin sighed, knowing he'd eventually have to talk about it despite the fact that he was still trying to figure it out himself.

"That bad?" Vic asked, concern clear in his tone.

"I don't know. Not really... It's just– I don't know." Kellin leaned his head into his hand and propped his arm on the rusty, black wrought-iron table. "It wasn't 'good' necessarily but it wasn't as bad as it could've been I guess... Dinner went really bad, though."

"How so?" Vic quizzed patiently.

"First off she faked eating but was actually dumping it down her sleeves, then when I caught her I found her palm was all cut up and I have no clue how she managed it. I mean we literally hid every mildly sharp object in the house, hell we did more baby-proofing in the past few days than we did when Cope was born. Every corner rounded, every pair of scissors hidden in my closet, every butter knife locked away. How did she even manage to cut herself again? Then Kate took her for a bath and later that night she told me that Rowan had injuries I'd never even seen before. She has words carved into her skin, Vic. Like, horrible things I could never even bring myself to say in that kid's presence much less slice or burn into her skin! Kate said she flinched a whole lot, and she was like showing signs of having been abused in ways worse than I had even imagined... Kate thinks she was raped. And to be honest, as sick as it is, I don't doubt it. Anyway, then Ro came back to try to eat again and she was able to eat a bit but then she ended up not being able to keep it down."

"Fuck..." Vic mumbled, running his hands through his hair that he'd let grow out to the point that it was showing it's natural curl. "I'm sorry man... I really am. That's really rough. Kell, I... It's just..."

"What?" Kellin asked, knowing Vic was thinking more than he was letting on.

"Are you sure you can handle this? It's not too late to change your mind." Vic stated hesitantly, not trying to set Kellin off but overall wanting what was best for his friend. "You've already got so much going on with Katelynne and just getting past the custody battle with the boys and you have a very impressionable baby... I mean is it really the right thing?"

"It is. I know it is. I get that this may seem crazy or whatever but you'd get it if you were in my shoes. Rowan's had so many people walk out on her in her life... she needs a constant. The only constant in her life is pain. Every child needs and deserves a father, take it from someone who didn't have one who cared, it's essential. I want to be that for her. Katelynne is just about the strongest woman alive in my opinion and she wants this as much as I do. She's the one who really convinced me about it. I think in a way its a way for her to forget about all that's going on with her health you know?" Kellin was far from being swayed, he was confident in his decision, but the bit about Copeland had brought back flashes of his nightmare... was Vic right? Was this bad for his baby daughter? "There's something else though..."

"...What?" Vic prodded him, sensing not necessarily a note of hesitation but a tone of worry nevertheless.

"It's kind of dumb..." Kellin started.

"C'mon, you've said more stupid things in my presence than I care to count, just say it." Vic nudged.

At that moment they were interrupted by a waiter delivering their meals. Kellin took that moment to take a deep breath and think about whether or not he really wanted to bring up the dream. But, in the end, it's Vic, it wasn't really a hard choice. They were both well into their sandwiches before Vic brought the topic around again.

"So what was it you were going to say earlier?" Vic began, not wanting to pressure Kellin but feeling as if his friend had a lot to get off his chest.

"Right... It's just-- Well... I had this really weird dream last night. And it kinda got me thinking... About how Cope'll take all this."

"Well, she's not even two yet so I suppose she isn't bothered right?" Vic offered.

"Not now. I mean later." Kellin explained.

"You guys are just fostering Rowan, right?" Vic countered, confused.

"That's the thing... I'm not sure that's all I want. I mean, like I said, she needs consistency and reliability right? Well I could be that, Kate and I could be that... I mean, she could be Rowan Quinn. Like, what's stopping us?"

"Well what was the dream about, though? Didn't you say it gave you some hesitation concerning Cope later on?"

"I guess that's the thing. In the dream Copeland was like six or so and Rowan was seventeen and still living with us and everything seemed so perfect and then out of no where Cope asked Rowan about her scars and... God, Rowan had this whole speech about this monster called Depression that had claws and that I was the superhero who saved her from the monster and never to worry because I would protect them both and it just... I don't know, helped me. A lot. It all felt so right... then Ro left and Cope just suddenly... Fuck. It was so weird. She was like being cut but there was nothing cutting her, and she had Rowan's eyes and she just looked right into me and it was like I wasn't seeing Copeland, I was seeing Rowan as a little girl and she looked so broken... and she– she asked me to save her."

"That's heavy, man..." Vic replied after a moment of stunned silence, "I mean, wow. What do you think it means?"

"Honestly I've been trying to figure it out since I woke up." Kellin shrugged, not really having much of an appetite anymore and therefore shoving the other two thirds of his sandwich away, "I wish I knew. I guess it had something to do with what Rowan said to me before bed. I was just trying to get her to sleep and I ended up like, singing, to her and I sang one of our songs. And Rowan hadn't spoken all day, well really she hadn't said a word since she woke up after surgery. And I sang to her and then out of nowhere she just like was the most raw I think she's ever been with me. She asked me to save her, in real life. It was so heartbreaking, the way she said it, but I promised her I'd do it and I'm not breaking my promise."

"Of course not, you're Kellin after all." Vic's smile was genuine, despite the strain of their heavy conversation. "But... About Cope... I meant what I said about impressionable. She's a baby now but the longer Rowan's around then the more Copeland's going to notice. The scars, the carvings, the fact that she's emaciated, that she's not your birth child. She'll ask questions. Maybe that dream is a wake up call... you're going to have to be prepared for that."

"I'm beginning to see that." Kellin sighed, leaning back in his chair and running his hands over his face. "Hey, what time is it?"

"Um," Vic pulled out his iPhone and clicked the lock button, "Nearly 11. Why?"

"Shit. I'm supposed to pick Ro up." Kellin was already shoving his keys and phone into his pockets, "I'm really sorry, man."

"No worries, Kell, it's all good." Vic stood as well, following Kellin out to the parking lot.

"Hey, Vic?" Kellin began, unlocking his car and leaning against the opened front door.

"Yo." Vic replied, stopping beside Kellin.

"Would you mind... coming with me? Meeting Rowan?" Kellin paused, hoping Vic would help him out.

"I'd love to." Vic grinned, stuffing his own keys into his pocket and jogging around to the passenger side and sliding in. Once they were both strapped in and on the way Vic spoke up again, "So, does she know I've seen her before?" He asked, referring to the two nights he spent there as moral support for Kellin, who'd also stayed with Rowan overnight every night she was committed.

"Not really. She can either be really shy or a total spitfire, depends on her mood so be prepared for either. She's especially unpredictable with men, she doesn't really know how to act around 'em so she can be a little off, you know?" Kellin responded, hoping his friend could handle it.

"Hey, if I can live through Warped tour three times I think I can handle anything." Vic responded, again making an attempt to keep the atmosphere light though he was also making an underlying promise that he would truly be okay. "Where are you picking her up from? Isn't she on like 24/7 surveillance for a while?"

"Yeah, for the first two weeks to month. But she's been at therapy." Kellin replied. After that he switched on the radio to fill the car with sound for the rest of the ride. It wasn't long before he was pulling into the driveway and turning off the radio just as All Time Low's Weightless was coming to a close.

Through the window Vic could spot a girl walking out of the glass doors and headed their way. She was wearing a hoodie that advertised some hunting store, though the brand name was fading, and fell almost to her bony knees. Under that she had heather grey tights and a pair of old black combat boots. She was biting the nails on her left hand in a nervous manner as she came closer. Her eyes were on her feet until she got to the car, she pulled open the passenger door but just as she was about to slouch in she saw someone occupying her seat.

"Uh, hi?" she said, equally confused and worried.

"Hi," Vic replied, taking Kellin's advice about her instability around men to heart, not wanting to say the wrong thing.

"Rowan, this is my friend Vic I told you about, he's in a band too. Remember?" Kellin prompted, smiling kindly at her. Rowan just nodded, closed the door she'd opened and hurried to slide into the backseat. Once inside the car she put her seatbelt on and pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs and toying with the fraying laces of her boots. "Vic and I had lunch earlier so he just came along with me. Actually, do you guys wanna go get dessert?"

"Sure." Vic replied for both of them seeing as Rowan didn't seem inclined to answer. Kellin drove off, headed for the Pinkberry he knew to be close by.

"So," Kellin glanced at Rowan in the rearview mirror as he spoke, "How was it?"

Rowan shrugged, not really wanting to explain the hour of awkward silence she'd endured. She wasn't sure if it was the presence of a stranger that made her hesitate or the fact that she was terrified he'd be disappointed in her. "Fine."

Kellin could tell that there was more to say but he left it be, pulling into a parking spot and throwing his hood up and sunnies on. As they all walked toward the yogurt shop Rowan fell back a bit, not wanting to talk much. Vic noticed and slowed a bit as well, leaving Kellin on his cell as he fell into step with Rowan.

"He looks ridiculous." Vic muttered loud enough for only Rowan to hear.

Despite herself she smirked a bit, murmuring her response, "He looks like a druggie."

That made Vic grin as well, "That what I said!" He held up his palm for a high-five but at the last second her eyes widened and she flinched. He quickly dropped his hand but instead of making her feel awkward about it he left his hand out for a low-five. She got it then and, blushing, slapped her hand against his. He winked at Rowan and as they reached the shop he pulled the door open for her, "After you, m'lady." She tried to keep her cool but something about this man seemed oddly comforting. It was that same strange atmosphere Kellin gave off, something she was still surprised by, this feeling of care and honesty. She was dangerously close to trusting him, something she swore she'd never do so carelessly again.

They caught up to Kellin in line and Vic motioned for Rowan to go ahead of himself. She did so quickly, wanting to be near to Kellin seeing as he'd so soon become her security blanket. Vic got Kellin's attention and they had some conversation about something being 'warped', which confused Rowan but she was more focused on the daunting topic she faced instead: eating. She'd eaten more in the past few days than she had in the months before that, it was making her incredibly uneasy. She knew anyone else would find it silly but she could tell already. Thanks to her three days in the hospital and her time so far living with the Quinn's she could already feel herself getting heavier. Not necessarily fat or overweight but it was this odd sensation she got when she stood up or sat down, she could tell she was gaining weight. She hated it. Now she was supposed to eat frozen yogurt packed with sugar and sprinkled with yet more calories? She was scared. They reached the front of the line and Kellin ordered, Rowan faking that she needed more time to think so that Vic would order next. Finally she could put it off no longer. She ordered a mini original (tart flavor) with no toppings, despite Kellin and Vic's suggestions on which were the best. She felt guilty as Kellin paid, knowing he was wasting money on her, but fought to keep herself quiet so as not to alert them to the fact that she wasn't planning on eating. They found a table in the back corner, for which Rowan was grateful, and she chose the seat most hidden from public view.

"So, other than 'fine' how was the session?" Kellin was careful to pick his words specifically, avoiding the term 'therapy' or 'psychiatrist'.

Rowan used her spoon to pummel her yogurt, shrugging yet again, "I don't know. It was boring. Nothing happened."

"Nothing?" Kellin prodded.

Rowan snapped, stabbing her spoon into her cup and shrinking back into her seat, "I didn't have some mental breakdown if that's what you're getting at." She shot back, cutting Kellin a glare.

To say Vic was surprised would be an understatement but at the same time part of him was prepared for this, he noticed Kellin didn't seem the least bit affected. Instead, Kellin's tone was relaxed as he spoke, "Good. I'm glad. So did she say there's anything you should be doing differently?"

Seeing Kellin take her purposefully harsh words so kindly made her feel guilty but she fought it back, trying to stay strong and not let her walls drop. "I'm to keep a journal. That's it."

"Cool. Do you need to go to Target and get one or something?" Kellin replied smoothly.

"No, she gave me one." Rowan pulled a journal out of her huge pocket, it was brown and about the size of an iPad Mini. She tucked it back away and shoved both of her hands in her pockets as well. "How was lunch?"

"Fine, we decided Vic here is my fifties-housewife peasant." Kellin grinned at his friend and Rowan noticed that Kellin was a lot more honestly relaxed in Vic's presence. She felt glad to know he had someone who helped him smile as Katelynne did too, but also felt even more guilty to realize she was the reason he wasn't always this calm.

Vic cocked an eyebrow at Kellin, "You wish. Besides, I wouldn't marry a drug-addict."

"Drug addict?" Kellin teased.

"Yeah," Vic smirked, "Rowan and I decided you look like a drug addict today."

"Hey, don't get me involved in this!" Rowan said, shocked at Vic's bluntness, shoving him in the shoulder though she was still too weak for Vic to feel much more than the brush of a butterfly's wings in her place.

"Yeah, Victor! Rowan's on my side!" Kellin play-pouted, folding his arms over his chest in a defiant way at Vic.

"'Sides," Rowan went on, "I think he looks more like a dealer."

Vic grinned hugely, accepting Rowan's raised palm in a high-five. Now Kellin's jaw was dropped in shock, though Vic did nothing more than stick his tongue out at his friend tauntingly. "Ha!"

"Turning my own kid against me!" Kellin whined, slapping Vic's shoulder in mock-anger. Rowan tried to hide her surprise at his term of claim over her, feeling a strange sensation at the thought that she wasn't sure was good or bad in particular. Kellin and Vic were laughing in a carefree way, not having caught on to the significance that Kellin's words had on Rowan.

They seemed to be done eating, again something Rowan was grateful. She hurried to stand up and offered to take care of Kellin and Vic's trash, something they thanked her for before returning to their earlier conversation about a 'tour' while she duped out the guys' empty cups and her full one. As she returned to their table the guys were standing up, Kellin catching Rowan's eye.

"Ro," She nodded, "Did you eat any of your yogurt?"

Fuck. "Yeah." Rowan shrugged, turning around and heading for the car. She could hear Kellin's phone ring and he stopped by the entrance of the shop. Rowan saw him signal for her to wait through the glass doors and paused closer to the car. She sighed, enjoying the fact that she had a minute alone. She was leaning against the side of the car when she felt a presence beside her.

"Why'd you lie?" It wasn't Kellin as she'd guessed, it was Vic.

She turned to face him but was careful to avoid eye-contact, "What do you mean?"

"I mean why'd you lie about eating?" Vic countered, not convinced of her innocence in the least.
"I don't know what you mean." Rowan'd eyes were now staring through the doors to see Kellin having a conversation with someone still. Shit. "What's taking him so long?"

"I think he's talking to management, so it may be a few." Vic told her, "But you still haven't answered my question."

"You didn't ask a valid one." She quipped, still studiously evading his gaze.

"Okay, let me rephrase it then. Why didn't you eat any yogurt?" Vic responded, trying his best to get an honest answer out of her, trying to follow Kellin's lead in staying clam.

"Right, well that's not a good one either. Because I did eat." She told him, now bouncing on the balls of her feet and craning her neck to see Kellin inside... still on the phone.

"It's not nice to lie." Vic responded, letting her know she hadn't fooled him.

"Who ever accused me of being nice was sadly mistaken." Rowan sighed, leaning back against the car and playing with the bandage wrapped around her hand.

"I don't think that's true. In fact I think that's the biggest lie you've told me." Vic replied, also leaning against the car next to her.

"Yeah, well are you some human lie detector or something?" She snapped.

"No but I can tell you're avoiding eye-contact, purposefully not answering direct questions, and now trying to turn the questions around on me." Vic replied cooly, still keeping himself in check. He could tell she didn't respond well to anger, but that a direct approach was the most likely to get a response from her.

"I just wasn't that hungry." She replied, which was true. Despite the fact that she'd purged that morning to rid herself of at least half of what she'd eaten that morning she was still awfully full. Well, full for her anyway. Vic cut her a sidelong glance that Rowan caught but seemed to let it drop at that. "So how do you know, Kellin? You aren't in his band, right?"

"Like he said, I am in a band. But no, I'm not in Sleeping With Sirens," Vic told her, not rejecting the change in topic because she was at least talking which he wasn't sure she'd do at all, "I'm in Pierce The Veil."

"Anyone ever tell you guys you have weird band names?" Rowan responded, quirking up an eyebrow at him. Vic chuckled, a lighthearted sound that reminded Rowan of the kind of feeling she'd dreamed of having when she was growing up, despite her earlier annoyance she couldn't stop herself from smiling with him.

"You have no idea, Ro." He said between his laughs, and she wasn't the least bit bothered by the fact that he called her by her nickname she'd only ever let Kellin address her as. "Have you ever heard any of our music? Or Kell's?"

Rowan felt her cheeks heat up and tried to hide it behind her wild curls, "I'm not sure. I never really got to hear much music before..." She trailed off but they both know what monumental event she was referring to, "Kellin's sung around me sometimes but I don't know the names. There was this one... I..." But she cut herself off, not wanting to embarrass herself.

"Which one?" Vic prompted, not being able to hide his grin at how genuinely peaceful she seemed now. She shook her head, not wanting to go on. "C'mon, what's the name?" She shrugged, not knowing but not wanting to say even if she did. "Hum it? Come on, I'm not giving up here."

She laughed a bit at that but found that the tune was suddenly caught in her head again, she was humming before she even realized it. Vic grinned in triumph but tried to hide it so that she wouldn't stop. Without any further prodding he heard her murmuring words along with the melody.

'...If I were you, I'd put that away
See, you're just wasted
And thinking about the past again
Darling you'll be okay...'

Vic's smile broadened further, ignoring the fact that her voice was shaky and almost too soft to hear. He knew just what song that was, but he wasn't going to let her know that. She finished singing all the words she could remember of it from that night in the hospital. She was blushing furiously, not knowing how she sounded.

"I like that one." Vic told her, wanting her to know she had no reason to feel awkward around him just because she didn't have a professional studio voice. He was just grateful to know the foster daughter of one of his best friends respected his music to memorize it and care for it so. Rowan smiled a bit but tried to play it off, still nervous about letting her walls down.

Just at that moment they heard the car unlock, 'Saved by the bell.' Rowan thought, grateful not to be forced to carry on conversation after embarrassing herself. She looked up to see Kellin walking (more like storming) their way, using the keys to unlock the car. He looked nothing short of pissed, something that gave Rowan a strange lurch in her stomach. She hurried to get in the car, sliding into the backseat and belting in. Vic hung back, waiting to see what got his friend so clearly bothered.

"What's up?" Vic called as Kellin neared the car.

"What do you mean?" Kellin called back, their volumes dropping the closer he got.

"Well, lets put it this way, you definitely don't look like you just won the lottery." Vic countered, making Kellin sigh.

"I don't really know what I just got but it definitely wasn't a lotto ticket." Kellin muttered, running his hand through his hair and tugging on the ends in frustration.

Rowan was struggling to hear through the glass and the guys' low tones. At the same time, she was scared to be caught eavesdropping with her foster father looking so angry so she decided to duck back into herself and ignore them. Eventually Vic jogged around to the passenger door and hopped in, Kellin pausing a moment more before scooting in himself. The car was eerily silent and there was a definite tension, something Rowan particularly felt seeing as she was the only one not to be in on whatever was going on. Vic stretched over to the median and flipped on stereo, plugging his phone into the auxiliary chord and turning on a song that Rowan had never heard. Vic was singing along and Rowan found he had an incredible voice, just as Kellin did in her opinion. It was something melodic yet still had this raw quality to it that Rowan admired, though she was far from an expert. As much as she enjoyed Vic's voice she still knew that nothing would ever compare to hearing Kellin's voice. His had become something she relied on heavily, as much as she'd always told herself never to depend on people, and his had somehow found a place in her heart that she knew none other could take. Right now she really wished he'd be singing along as well just so she could know he was okay and not quite as angry as she guessed he was, but his mood was far from a cheery whistling one. They pulled into an unfamiliar lot attached to a restaurant, Vic unbuckled and unplugged his phone as the car pulled to a stop. Rowan's heart sped up, suddenly terrified to be alone with Kellin who had yet to speak to her.

"Thanks for the ride back and the dessert, man." Vic said, either completely oblivious to the awkward atmosphere or choosing to ignore it anyway. Kellin smiled at him and nodded by way of response as Vic pushed the door open and turned to look at Rowan in the back, "I'll see you soon, Rowan."

She attempted to smile back at him but she was fairly sure that it came across as more of a frown, "See you."

With another nod Vic was out the car and headed back for his own. Suddenly Rowan was left alone with Kellin in a state she'd never before encountered with him. She didn't move into the free passenger seat nor say a word to her foster father. She didn't feel guilty though, because he didn't make any particular attempt at conversation either. Kellin started up the car and took off. After a grueling car ride they were finally home, Rowan unbuckling and popping open her door before the car was fully in park. She was honestly scared. What had she done? What was he so angry about? Why wouldn't he speak to her? Was he already regretting bringing her into his home? She'd screwed up somehow...

She rang the door bell and as soon as Katelynne answered she headed through the door, headed straight for her room. "Rowan?" Kate called, surprised by her foster daughter's haste, not to mention the fact that she wasn't allowed to be alone for too long. Soon after Kellin came stomping in, clearly upset. "Kellin?" But he breezed right by her. "The fuck?"

She turned, closing the front door and heading in the direction she'd seen her family going. She found Rowan in her room but didn't make her presence known, instead watching as she found her foster daughter scribbling in what looked like a small notebook, furiously writing something. Kate decided she'd be okay for a minute so she left to check on Kellin. She discovered him to be storming around their bedroom like the Tasmanian Devil.

"Kell, babe, what's going on?" But he didn't seem to take any notice of her. "Kellin I just got Copeland to lay down for a nap, stop throwing shit!" He still continued flying through their drawers and cabinets, "Kellin Fucking Bostwick, slow the fuck down!" At that he finally froze, breathing heavily, wild eyes and flared nostrils. "Thank you," Katelynne tried to stay clam, "now please stop acting like some fucking tornado and speak like my husband."

Kellin took a slow breath, knowing his wife didn't need any extra stress despite the fact that he could easily tear the house to shreds in his current state. "I'm leaving Rise."

"You-- What? You're leaving Rise Records...? Why?" Katelynne was careful to give him space, not because she was scared of him in the slightest, anyone who knew Kellin would tell you what a teddybear he was, but still she didn't want her husband to feel pressed.

"They-- It's fucking ridiculous... They want me on tour again. They want Sleeping With Sirens for Warped starting next week. Some band dropped out and they called for us again even though last time they called I said no. Now Rise is saying we need to. It's, like, 'all or nothing' or something. It's so fucking stupid."

Kellin slammed his fist into the wall by their en-suite bathroom. Katelynne sighed, walking over and laying her cheek on his shoulder, wrapping her arms around his stomach from behind. "So go."

"What?" Kellin snapped, turning to face his wife with a stunned look on his face. "But we just got Rowan here. She... she needs consistency and... God, I feel like I missing so much of Copeland's life. I love my job, you know that, it's just that... I mean, there's so much going on. I mean, a teenager who needs constant supervision, a baby, your c--"

"You can say it, Kell. My cancer." Kate said, lightly brushing her fingers over his cheek. He closed his eyes slightly, leaning into her hand, reaching his own hand up to wrap around hers and move his head to kiss the inside of her palm. "I know, baby, I know better than anyone what you're going through because I'm right here with you. And you know what? I still think you should go. But before you start talking over me and throwing things for no reason--"

"I was looking for business cards for other management companies and labels--" Kellin cut in, but being cut off just the same by Katelynne again.

"What did I say about interrupting me?" Kate said, arching one eyebrow, putting her hand over his lips before he spoke again, "Ah ah ah. Shh. Just listen. My parents were willing to move in once, they'll do it again. I only have a couple more rounds of this chemo, then I'll be free to travel in the gap time before my mastectomy. At that point, I can come visit you or you can visit me, okay? Copeland is still a baby, Kellin, you have plenty of time with her. Besides, it wouldn't be the first time she'd come on stage with you." Kellin had that look in his eyes, he was still hesitant but wavering, she had gotten him to listen.

"What about Rowan?" He countered, still not convinced. "She has to be watched constantly, has all these doctors and schedules... Would she really be okay being left with your parents so much? God, she barely trusts me and you..."

"Well, maybe we could talk with the clinic, with Mrs. Bricker and Ms. Greene, all of us sit down with Rowan too and see what's best. Look, we knew from the beginning that this wouldn't be easy what with my health and your career. Hell, we knew that it'd be tough when Copeland was born. We'll make it through it. Okay? I still think you should go. Look, I'll put a call into the clinic and you get the guys over here for dinner to talk about it, alright? This is a decision you all need to make together before we go much more into it with Ro, okay?"

Kellin sighed, resigning. "Fine, alright. I'll call the guys now then." She grinned, pecking his lips and lightly brushing the tip of her nose against his before pulling away and turning to find her cell. "Where is Rowan?"

"She was in her room, reading or writing or something. Will you go check on her?" Katelynne asked, pulling out her phone and looking for a number on it. "But make sure you don't wake Cope."

"Alright, alright. I'm no longer the Hulk, chill." He teased, headed for the door, receiving a childish response from his wife by way of her tongue stuck out at him. He walked down the hall softly, his head still spinning with all that had gone on that day so far. He pulled out his phone and sent a group text to the guys, asking them to dinner concerning the call they'd all gotten from Rise and management. They all agreed and Kellin continued on his way to Rowan's room. As he rounded the corner to her doorless room he found her to be laying on her bed, lying flat on her back and staring up at the ceiling. Kellin nearly tapped on the frame until he heard her humming, it was a familiar tune. She was humming Low by his very own band. How had she heard that song? Then he remembered, today in the car, Vic had been playing it on the way back. Did she even know it was his band? He didn't care. He just took that moment to see her laying there, humming his song, a part of his family. That was until he noticed her breathing was off, she was crying silently. And before his eyes he watched her take a piece of paper from her notebook and, before he could even think, she used the edge to slice her arm perfectly.

His breath was caught in his throat for a split second before he choked out, "ROWAN?!"

Notes

HEY! I AM SO SORRY FOR THE WAIT! NEXT ONE WILL BE FASTER, I SWEAR.
I hope I sort of made up for m absence with the introduction of a certain Sexican in the story?? Maybe?? No... Okay.

Anyway, thank you to all who read this story. You guys are fantastic. And to any new readers or subscribers: Welcome to the Island of Misfit Toys.

Much Love,
MM

Comments

Where in the world is Mati Marie!? :(

Hey !
please continue this story... i need to know what happens to Rowan.

Xxbsx Xxbsx
5/10/16

Are you still writing this story?

Are you still going to finish this story. I'm still in love with Rowan and I really need closure. I know it's been like 8 months but please finish it. I'd still love to read it