Navy Blue Eyes
Her Decision.
YOU WANT MORE OF SWS?! Well here you go! Happy birthday/Christmas/Hanukah/Etc...
Thanks, MM.
Kellin shifted his weight from one foot to the other, anxious and excited, while standing in Rowan's doorway. She was almost literally dragging her feet, tying her boots as slowly as she could manage. He distantly heard Katelynne calling 'Coming' to whoever had knocked.
"You can go on, you don't have to wait for me. I'll be down in a second." Rowan told him calmly, still a bit breathless from her incessant laughing.
Kellin hesitated, chewing it over in his mind. If he left her she'd be alone, but if he didn't go talk to whoever had shown up first he wasn't sure he'd feel safe letting her nearby. He needed a minute to check in with the guys before he would feel totally comfortable exposing Rowan to them, they could come on a little strong at times. Finally he gave in. "Fine, but hurry on down, yeah?"
Rowan nodded, still avoiding looking him in the eye. Kellin took off, arriving at the front door to see Jesse and Katelynne talking. "Hey man," He gave his bandmate a bro-hug, clapping him on the back, "Thanks for coming."
"S'no problem," Jesse shrugged, "So where's Rowan?"
"She should be down in a few, I wanted to come ahead and say hey." Kellin shrugged, rubbing one hand on the back of his neck.
"Uh-huh," Jesse teased, "More like you wanted to make sure we weren't yelling and throwing trash cans on top of people."
"Hey! I know from personal experience how not fun it is to get a mystery liquid dripped on you!" Kellin huffed, folding his arms over his chest in what he knew was a childish way. "Besides, I wouldn't let you do that anyway, it'd ruin Kate's 'masterpiece'."
Jesse gave Katelynne a curious look, "I did Rowan's hair and make-up. Kellin is pissed because he thinks she looks too grown up but I think it's cute, her wanting to look nice for you lot."
Jesse chuckled, "Figures Kel'd be pissed." He grinned widely and ruffled Kellin's hair as if he were the child he pretended to be. "I'm sure you did a great job." Jesse offered Katelynne, making her smile sweetly.
"Oh shut up. Just get inside already." Kellin grumbled, his arms still folded and a clear pout on his face. Jesse shook his head and followed Katelynne to the living room. As Kellin turned to join them the doorbell sounded again. "I got it!" He called, pulling the door open to reveal Justin and Gabe. "Hey guys!"
"Yo." Justin said with a smirk, not even sparing a hug hello before walking past Kellin into the house as if it were his own.
"No really, make yourself comfortable, I insist." Kellin mumbled sarcastically, making Gabe laugh. "Thanks for coming and NOT SHOWING UP ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE ASSHAT!" Kellin told Gabe, yelling the last bit loud enough he was sure Justin could hear.
Gabe shook his head playfully at the whole ordeal and stepped over the threshold, giving Kellin a hug. "I was glad to come, man."
Kellin told him to head on to the living room, having seen Jack parking as he stood with the door open. "Hey, slow poke."
Jack rolled his eyes, "Last to join the band, last to show up." He winked, locking his car over his shoulder before shoving the keys into his back pocket. "Hey Kell."
"Come on in, everyone else is in the living." Kellin closed the door, walking with Jack into the living room to find Jesse and Katelynne on the couch, Gabe on the love seat and Justin in the recliner with his feet kicked up on the coffee table. Jack joined Gabe but Kellin stopped to knock Justin's feet down before plopping down next to Katelynne. Kellin rolled his eyes as Justin kicked his feet right back onto of the table.
"Where's Rowan? Do we get to meet her?" Jack asked, looking around himself as if to make sure he hadn't missed her.
"She'll be down in a sec." Kellin told them, smiling proudly at the thought of introducing her.
Katelynne tapped his leg lovingly, "Babe, can you go tally up the calories for Rowan's dinner? I left all the packages out so you can read the nutrition facts."
Kellin agreed, pushing himself up to go to the kitchen. In his wake the guys and Kate started talking about Olive, Jesse and Ashley's three month old daughter, breaking $1,000 worth of merchandise in Ikea the week before. Kellin laughed lowly to himself as he rounded the corner into the hall, catching sight of a very nervous looking Rowan frozen in the hallway. "Ro?" Her eyes shot up to his but her earlier amusement was gone, replaced now with worry. She was chewing off her lipgloss and rubbing her hands together, "You headed in there to meet the guys?"
"I... Uh, I think I left something in my room..." She turned to flee but Kellin jogged down the hall to catch her by the shoulder.
"Hey, hey, you'll be fine. They'll love you!" She still didn't seem too convinced. "C'mon, you can help me by setting the table and meet them in a bit. Okay?" To this she nodded, swallowing hard and following Kellin back toward the kitchen. As they arrived Kellin handed Rowan a stack of plates, "Mind setting this up? I've got something to do first but then I'll help." Still stoically silent, she nodded and did as she was told.
Once she'd gone through the swinging door to the dining room Kellin set to his own job. He pulled the pasta boxes -bow-tie, elbow, and lasagna pasta- over to the pad of paper and information sheets. He began calculating and adding, making sure to count every ounce out, and scrawling it all on the papers they were to hand in to the clinic. Tonight's meal was Twice Backed Mac and Cheese, something Kellin convinced Katelynne would be a crowd pleaser and hopefully be something Rowan would like too. After all, what kid didn't like mac and cheese? As he was furiously scribbling numbers onto the paper he caught sight of Rowan out of the corner of his eye, standing still. She was facing him, holding silverware and napkins, and wearing a blank expression.
"What's up, kiddo?" Kellin asked, feeling a bit like he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he knew she wouldn't like the idea of them controlling her every bite.
"What's all that?" She asked, her voice eerily hallow.
"Um, just making sure that dinner's all good. You know, with the clinic's rules and all." He'd been right to be wary of her reaction. She became even more distant, if that was possible, nodding in a robot-like way and turning to leave again, "Rowan--"
But it was useless, she was gone and upset. Kellin sighed, turing once more to the paper before him. As soon as he was sure it was all fine, their dinner and dessert and such all counted out, he put all the boxes and packages away quickly. He grabbed up the glasses he could hold and used his shoulder to shove open the swinging door to the dining room. He found Rowan there, still moving stiffly and seeming disconnected from where she was. He began to place the cups down slowly, trying to think of something to say. He hated that she had to feel like she was being watched and controlled in what was supposed to be her safe-haven but it was what they had to do in order for her to be here at all. By the time he looked up again she was done with her job, standing by the door to the living room and looking directly at the wood as if she could see through it.
Kellin hurried to grab the last three glasses from the kitchen, set them out, and return to Rowan's side. She had yet to acknowledge his presence but Kellin could tell she knew he was there nevertheless. "Rowan," She didn't move much, but for the smallest flicker of her eyes in his direction, "I think it's time we go in there." She still didn't respond. Kellin ran a hand through his hair and then placed it on the door, ready to push it open and lead her through. Just before he shoved it, though, he felt a bony, cold hand slip into his free one. He looked down at Rowan to see her still staring straight forward, her own free hand against the side of her mouth as she gnawed on her bottom lip. He squeezed her hand briefly, still minding that it was a healing wound, and then pushed the door open.
They were hit with the sound of loud conversations and boisterous laughter. Justin was playing a game on his phone and making exclamations like 'HA!' or 'Gotcha!'. Gabe and Jack seemed to be having a fight about the preference between the word 'Spork' versus 'Foon'. All while Jesse played peek-a-boo with a giggling Copeland, who was now sat on Katelynne's lap. Kellin's grip on Rowan's hand tightened as he gulped a bit, this was exactly what he was scared of. He glanced down to see Rowan staring at the mayhem with wide eyes and a deadened expression. Shit. Kellin cleared his throat a bit, hoping to gain their attention but they continued to ignore him. He tried again, a bit louder, but it still went unnoticed. Finally he cracked.
"HEY!" Everyone's eyes snapped to. As soon as they saw the child at his side, who was now slightly shaking, they fell silent. Incredibly silent. Creepily silent. You could practically hear Rowan's quickened breaths throughout the room. Kellin swallowed hard again, trying to be the calm one for Rowan's sake. "Uh, hey. This is... Rowan."
It was still quiet, no one was sure how to respond in the tense atmosphere. Kellin could feel Rowan's hand shuddering even more as she began to shake more violently. Finally the silence was broken.
Jesse smiled, "Hey, Rowan. Nice to meet you." And it seemed that the entire room sighed in relief. Most of the rigidity was lost, replaced by the comfortable kind of tone the guys were used to.
"Hey, I'm Jack." He gave her a kind smile, which she sort of returned, and nodded her way. They had all been warned that she wasn't good with much physical contact from men so no one made a move to shake her hand, something for which Kellin at least was grateful.
"I'm Gabe." He told her, raising his hand as if he were declaring himself 'present' in a classroom. She nodded to him, seeming to slowly regain a bit of her reactions.
"I'm Justin and I'm the coolest." Justin told her matter-of-factly, still sounding a little smug. Rowan even cracked a bit of a real smile at that, it grew even more as Jesse retaliated.
"Oh, not even!" He argued, making Justin's smug smirk widen.
"Yeah, I'm obviously the coolest here." Jack added, leaning back into the couch as Gabe smacked his arm. "Hey!"
"You deserved it. I'm the coolest." Gabe shot back while Jack rubbed his arm as if he'd been hit by a car, though in reality Kellin knew Gabe's punches were nothing short of hilarious.
"Guys, guys," Kellin began, catching everyone's attention, "We all know this argument it irrelevant. I'm the best. End of."
Even Rowan protested to that, as the guys all called out their comments she shoved her shoulder into his side, never losing her grip on his hand. "As if!" She groaned, her voice still a bit shaky. Nonetheless the fact that she'd spoken as all seemed to make everyone smile, Kellin's being the biggest grin. The room almost fell quiet again, simply from the shock of Rowan having spoken, but instead there was a small rumbling sound of a growling stomach. Rowan's made-up cheeks flushed a brilliant red and she put her free hand against them as she always did when she blushed.
"I think that's my cue." Katelynne said, making the guys chuckle, as she stood, set Cope in Jesse's lap, and made her way to the kitchen.
"C'mon." Kellin said, motioning for the guys to head on in to the dining room. He pulled Rowan off to the side, letting all the guys go through first, leaving himself and his foster daughter alone. Kellin crouched down a bit, making sure he was at eye level with her, "Alright I need you to promise me something." The small smile she'd mustered up seemed to droop at that, but she nodded for him to go on, "I don't care what's going on, who I'm talking to, whatever... If you need my attention you tell me, okay? If you're feeling sick, full, whatever it is... just tell me. Okay?"
"O- Okay." She mumbled, chewing on her lip roughly again.
"Good. Let's do this thing, yeah?" He grinned at her encouragingly, standing up again and ruffling her hair. He chuckled as she hurried to fix it, giving him a mockingly dirty look. She didn't let go of his hand once as he led her through to the diner table. He sat at one end, Jesse to his left and Rowan to his right. On Ro's other side sat Katelynne, with Copeland to Kate's right in her high-chair. On Jesse's left was Jack, followed by Gabe, and Justin at the end- straight across from Kellin. Rowan was still slightly trembling, avoiding looking at the platters of food spread out in the middle of the table. Even as the guys grabbed up spoons and passed dishes, Kellin found Rowan's eyes to be glued to her hands. Jesse nudged Kellin, signaling toward Ro's empty plate, but Kellin just shook his head, mouthing 'I've got it', and Jesse let it go. As the dish full of mac and cheese reached Kellin he did as he had the night before, serving himself and then Rowan. Her eyes shot up to the food on her plate but she made no further move. Kellin continued to serve her salad, vegetables and such, watching her eyes pop wider with every spoonful of food. Rowan seemed to be trying to distract herself, she was muttering words under her breath and tapping her hand against the table in an even beat. Gabe grinned, tapping on his own bit of table, adding a back-up beat to hers. Rowan seemed surprised, her head snapping over to see Gabe smiling at her, she smiled a bit and tapped harder, making her beat more prominent. Gabe chuckled softly, bobbing his head along as he switched his own rhythm up to accommodate hers. Kellin smiled at them both, watching as they battled back and forth with random patterns. Finally Gabe seemed to give up, not able to keep up with her tiny fingers drumming a fast beat out.
"You drum?" Gabe called over to her, still smiling.
She shrugged, "Never tried, never had the opportunity to."
"Would you like to?" She gave a response of a kind of half-shrug, half-nod, "I'll teach you if you want. You've got good rhythm."
Rowan grinned, "Thank you." She muttered, her cheeks pink and her eyes downcast again, her smile ever-present.
"No problem." Gabe told her honestly, smiling as well to have made her happy. He was pulled into a conversation by Justin a moment later but Rowan's smile had yet to fade.
Kellin wasn't happy to kill her buzz but he had to have her eat. He handed her her fork, but she just looked at it blankly, then looked up at him and grinned goofily. She hurriedly dropped her eyes from his, giggling a bit. "Rowan?" But she wouldn't look at him, she just kept giggling and avoiding him. "Rowan, c'mon." Still she just grinned behind her hair, hiding. He reached across, pushing her hair behind her ear. She finally looked up at him, but the second their eyes met she just started laughing and looked away. Had she actually gone insane? Was she on drugs? "Rowan, look at me." She shook her head, "Why not?" Again, she shook her head. "Rowan, I'm serious, look at me."
She giggled a bit, muttering something quietly.
"What? I can't hear you." Kellin told her, trying to get her to speak up a bit.
She tried to catch her breath, mumbling, "I- I can't."
"Look at me? Why not? Rowan, c'mon, you have to eat." She just shook her head again. "Why not?"
She murmured something low again, but Kellin couldn't hear.
"What?" She tried again but she was still too quiet. Kellin sighed, nudging Jesse a bit. He seemed to get the point, quieting down and motioning for the others to do the same. Rowan didn't seem to notice, still laughing to herself. "What did you say?"
"Youdontwearmagnum." She whispered again, but this time it was quiet enough to hear her.
"What?" Kellin asked for what felt like the thousandth time.
"You--" She giggled again, "You don't wear magnum."
It went totally still again before Katelynne just busted out laughing. The rest still seemed confused, so Kate choked out her words between her guffaws, "She must've seen our drawer."
And then it clicked. Jesse did a spit-take, spraying Kellin in his iced tea as he fell out laughing. The rest of the guys followed suit, all laughing so loudly Rowan worried they'd shatter their glasses. Kellin's face was hot as an oven but he seemed to be frozen solid. He was still staring at his foster daughter with saucer-sized eyes, the latter of whom was laughing loudly as the rest.
He eventually seemed to defrost while everyone else nursed their aching ribs and breathless laughs, "Wh-- What?"
Rowan tried to get air to her lungs through all her chuckles, "You-- Your hands are way too small for that."
"OH MY GOD!" Jesse roared, laughing harder still. His face was almost the shade of his hair with the lack of oxygen. "SHE IS SO STAYING, I LOVE HER ALREADY!"
He leaned across Kellin to high-five Rowan, still chortling. Kellin blinked a couple times. Then he spoke, clearly in complete denial. "No. Nope. You definitely did not say that. Nope."
Rowan couldn't help but smirk again. Katelynne piped in, winking at her foster daughter, "You're right, Rowan."
Kellin's jaw dropped, the laughing beginning again in a fresh wave. "Hey! It was all the store had and I was in a hurry!"
"More like horny." Justin muttered, still clearly enough that everyone heard anyway.
"More like wishful thinking." Jack pitched in, nearly speaking at a normal volume, preservation of Kellin's pride long forgotten in the midst of their own entertainment.
"Alright, alright, enough laughing at my expense!" Kellin groaned. The guys were wiping tears from their eyes and catching their breath, Kellin just glared at them. After what felt like a lifetime everything had settled down again and Kellin decided to try again with Rowan. "Ro, you've got to eat something." She, of course, had no idea how much was hanging on her ability to get better, she didn't know about the tour yet. She took the fork he offered her but didn't go so far as to actually eat, simply toying with the little pieces of bow-tie pasta. "C'mon, Rowan, just start with one bite."
She looked up at him, amusement having been washed away by the apprehension now clear in her features, but she did manage to stab about three pieces of barely cheesy pasta and twirled them on the end of her fork. Kellin tried to only look out of the corner of his eye, not wanting her to feel too pressured, as she bit off one piece of elbow pasta and chewed it in her mouth with the speed of a snail. She swallowed thickly, seeming to nearly choke with the feeling of food sliding down her throat, before glancing to Kellin and sending him a halfhearted smile. He returned it, nodding for her to go on.
She was able to eat three bites of pasta, Kellin saw, while her foster father was talking to Jesse. Afterwards she set her fork down on the plate, wincing at the sharp metallic sound it made. Kellin's head snapped to at that, raising an eyebrow at her, turning his full attention to his foster daughter while the rest of their guests carried on.
"Come on, Ro. Two more bites and you're done." She let her lips fall into a shocked and annoyed 'O'. "I mean it, kiddo, two more. You can do it." She glared at him, rocking back in her chair and crossing her arms over her chest, looking away from him. "Pouting won't get you anywhere. Two more."
Rowan narrowed her eyes at him, leaning forward and grabbing her fork with what was probably too much force, flinching as the metal silverware hit the exposed slice in her palm. She painted a sarcastic smirk on her face and brought a forkful of food to her lips. She bit it hard, exaggerating every movement for Kellin's benefit, and gulped it down.
"Great." Kellin told her, without an ounce of sarcasm or annoyance, "One more."
Rowan raised one eyebrow but followed along, eating one more bite before slamming her fork back to her plate. Everyone flinched at that, but tried to pretend they didn't notice. Rowan's eyes were on her lap again. Kellin set one finger beneath her chin, tugging it up softly, to find one grey tear sliding down her made-up cheek. It took a bit of her mascara with it, but she didn't seem to care, lifting her sleeve to rub the rebel away and staining her hoodie.
"Thank you for doing that, Rowan. You're so brave." Kellin leaned forward in his chair, giving her a soft kiss on the forehead, neither of them caring that he was further smudging her make-up. She nodded as he pulled back, still not really looking away from her mascara-stained sleeve. Kellin turned to the group, seeing everyone was done and carrying on separate conversations. "You guys ready for dessert?" Of course, it was his bandmates he was addressing, so there were more than a few cheers. "Let's go into the living room then?"
There was movement as the guys scooped up the dirty dishes -despite Katelynne's protests- and dropped them in the kitchen before thundering into the living room. Kate followed, lifting Copeland onto her hip and thanking Jack for grabbing hers and her toddler's plates. All the while Rowan seemed still, lifeless. She'd tugged up the end of her dirty sleeve to reveal her bandaged wrist, playing with the wrap as if she were planning to undo it. Kellin had remained still as well, reaching slowly across to pull her hand away from the wapping before she could rip it off.
"Ready for dessert?" Rowan was obviously unresponsive to what would be a tempting offer to any other child but it didn't phase Kellin. "C'mon."
He stood, grabbing his own plate, and reached for Rowan's but she stopped him, pushing his hand back softly. "I've got it." He nodded and headed for the kitchen, dumping his dish into the sink and writing down the amount of bites she'd taken quickly. Rowan appeared in the doorway a moment later, pretending not to see Kellin hide the pen and paper behind a loose box of cereal, and added her still-mostly-untouched plate to the growing pile in the sink.
Kellin walked to the door to the hall, signaling over his shoulder for Rowan to follow. She did, until they reached the door to the living room, where she paused. "Come on, Ro." He pushed the door open and took a step inside but she still remained unmoving.
"Hey, Kell, we were just about to say-- Wait, where's Rowan?" Justin called, not seeing Rowan tucked behind the door frame.
"Hold on." Kellin held up one finger and turned back to Rowan. "C'mon..."
"I-- I have to go to the bathroom." She told him, her eyes flickering nervously toward the full room.
"Okay." Kellin sighed, not knowing how to make her feel more comfortable, so he just turned away from the living room, "Let's go."
Rowan put a hand on his stomach, stopping him, "No. I'll be fine. You go ahead in there."
Kellin rolled his eyes, "I'm not stupid. I know what you're planning and I'm not allowing it. Now let's go to the bathroom and then we'll come back down here."
"I'm not planning anything," Rowan huffed, dropping her hand from his stomach to cross her arms across her own chest, "And I'm thirteen for Christ's sake. So stop treating me like a baby and let me go piss by myself."
"Don't say that." Kellin replied, taking a step out of the living room and closing the door behind himself. "You know why I have to go too. Let's just go."
"No. Go be with your friends. I'll be back in a minute." Rowan growled, not completely convincing due to the fact that she was nearly crying in frustration.
"Rowan, quit putting up a fight about this. Either you need to pee and I'm coming or you're just making up an excuse." Kellin shot back, arching one eyebrow as if challenging her.
"Fine." Rowan sighed, dropping her hands to her sides and looking up at Kellin through her lined, striking eyes. Her voice came out in a strangled whisper, "I just wanted a minute. Okay? Just one minute. I'm nervous as all hell, alright? So I just wanted a sixty seconds alone to clear my head. Is that really so much to ask?"
Kellin softened, seeing just how hard this really was for her. He stepped toward her, now familiar enough with her to know to ignore her slight recoil as he rested his hand on the top of her head and ran his fingers through her hair. "No. No. You're right, I'm sorry. Look, I just care is all. I just want to help."
"I know." She muttered, no longer looking at him but closing her eyes and leaning into his hand slightly. She breathed out softly, opening her eyes but not looking him in the eye, "I'm sorry too."
"Just be quick, okay? I have something we all need to talk about." As soon as he said it Kellin saw Rowan's head tilt further into his hand in confusion, "It's nothing to worry about. Just hurry back, yeah?"
Rowan nodded, pulling away and giving him a sad sort of smile before taking off down the hall to the spare bathroom. Kellin pushed the door open once more, finally headed into the crowded living room.
"Hey?" Kate said, obviously confused by his reappearance, still without their foster daughter.
"Hey." Kellin replied simply, dropping onto the couch as before, between Kate and Jack. Justin and Jesse had switched places but Gabe was once again on the love seat.
"...Where's Rowan?" Katelynne asked slowly, as if she were speaking to a deaf person.
"She'll be here in a minute." Kellin replied, shrugging and taking Cope off his wife's lap and onto his own.
"You're different." Jesse stated bluntly, making Kellin shoot him a quizzical look. "Since Rowan's showed up... You're... You're like you were before. You're the old you."
"When did I ever change?" Kellin asked, clearly confused. The room fell quiet, everyone too caring to really speak the words.
"They mean since my diagnosis." Katelynne cut in, not one single ounce bitterly, only speaking with love and fondness, "You changed back then... You were not the you I knew. And I love you for that, I know you only grew depressed because you cared for me, but... I saw it too. I saw you change. It was your voice, your laugh... You never smiled. You didn't speak unless you had to. And you weren't as into it on stage. You thought you had us fooled, I'm sure, but you can't fool the people who care for you most. Matty called me that day we found out, you remember?" Of course he remembered, in fact Kellin would never be able to forget it. "I called you as soon as I walked out of the radiologist's office and sat in the parked car. I told you you'd need to sit down and my mom held my hand in the car as I told you. And what surprised me most was that I didn't cry. I expected myself to not even be able to speak but I think I was still in shock... And you were quiet. I remember that most because you'd been in the bus and it's never quiet there but it was silent that day. And the only thing you said to me was that you knew I'd be fine. You told me you would make sure of it... And that was all it took. I felt like I could do this because I knew you wouldn't let me down. Then we hung up and next thing I know my mother's driving us home and I get a call from Matty and he didn't even have to ask if something had happened. He didn't even say hi. He just said, 'Is there anything I can do?' He knew, just based on how you'd reacted after we got off the phone, he told me, that something was wrong. I love you, Kellin, but you were in fact depressed after that. I was just glad you had these guys and Memphis with you until that tour ended because I knew you needed them. But since you came home that day after your first group session... you were different. Before you even told me what had happened I knew something had changed again. You were the man I fell in love with again. You were you. I'm forever grateful to Rowan for that, for giving the world back a man who so many people love and depend on. She makes you better."
The room was quiet until Kellin breathed out slowly. "I'm sorry."
"What?" Kate asked, confused as to how he could feel sorry for anything.
"I... I didn't realize I was so obvious. I didn't mean to be a burden..." Kellin murmured, absentmindedly letting Copeland play with his fingers as he stared blankly into his lap.
"No no no." Katelynne said quickly, her hand resting on his arm, "That's not at all why I said that. I was only saying that Jesse's right, Rowan makes you better. But you were only ever changed to begin with as a side-effect of having a big heart. You were far from a burden."
"Yeah, we only noticed cause we care, Kell. None of the fans even knew anything was up until Katelynne put it out there." Jack offered, rubbing one hand on Kellin's shoulder. "I'm just happy to see you're past that. I think we all are."
The guys murmured words of confirmation, making Kellin give them a grin. "Me too."
"Let me grab the ice cream." Kate said, shimmying off the couch and making her way into the kitchen.
"So, you guys know there's a reason we had to get together..." Kellin began, receiving nods of understanding from the others. "I- I'm just not sure what the right thing to do here is. We haven't talked to Rowan about it yet, or her doctors, because I didn't want to cause unnecessary stress if it all ended up being a moot point. I wanted to check with you guys first to make sure we all really want to do this. I know I'm not the only one with things to leave at home if we go... I know Olive isn't even half a year yet and I wasn't sure where you stood on that Jesse. And I know you're weddings aren't too far off, Jack and Gabe... And I know Justin and Lindsey just found out you're expecting.... I just want to make sure if I go on with bringing Ro into this discussion that we're all in."
Jesse was the first to speak up, "Ash and I talked about it earlier and we decided if we're going that she and Olive will just fly out for her birthday and stuff. She's fine with me going, and I'd be excited to do Warped again but... Are you sure you would be too?"
"I think so. I don't know, Kate thinks I should. It's Rowan I'm worried about..." Kellin told them, Copeland now chewing on a fistful of his shirt.
"Well Lindsey and I are cool with it," Justin said, "She won't be able to visit as much as she'd like to since she's pregnant but we both decided it'll be fine."
"Yeah, Soph and I aren't planning our wedding till next spring so we have plenty of time." Gabe pitched in.
"Ours'll be this winter but we'll be back long before then. Besides, you know how picky Jenna is, she'd want to plan it all herself wether I'm here or not." Jack replied, chuckling to himself about the woman he loved.
Jesse coughed, mixing his words in, "Whipped." He coughed again for added effect.
"Oh hardy har har." Jack muttered, shooting Jesse a sarcastic look. Jesse winked back at him, making Jack glare in return.
"So I guess it's time to involve the clinic? We're all good with going through with it?" Kellin butted in, the guys focusing again. He received nods of agreement just as Katelynne returned carrying five bowls of ice cream in a way that made her look like Cinderella. Kellin was totally mystified. "How can you even do that?"
Katelynne winked at him, letting Justin and Gabe grab the bowls they could reach as she passed them first, "I'm good with my hands." The guys made various sounds of disgust as if they were kids joking about cooties, whereas Kellin just smirked at them. Jesse got his next and finally Jack and Kellin.
"Don't I know it." He said smugly, making the guys act as though they were puking into their bowls.
"Okay, no. T.M.I. I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that my husband is cheating on me and go pee." Jesse proclaimed, Katelynne only laughing as she went into the kitchen to grab her own bowl, Rowan's, and Cope's. Jesse stood and followed but headed instead into the hallway.
The guys dug in, Kellin offering a spoonful of his to Copeland while Kate returned with hers and their daughter's servings.
"I forgot to ask, did Rise tell you when we'd be expected?" Jack asked around a mouthful of Cookies and Cream.
"Next week." Kellin muttered sourly, still resentful of the idea that Rise decided to drop this on them out of nowhere.
"That soon?" Justin asked, his eyes wide and dessert forgotten.
Kellin shrugged and nodded, not any more pleased with the hurry than his bandmates were. "They want us to mix in stuff from Feel into our set also so we'll need to practice quite a bit until we go."
"KELLIN?" Jesse called from down the hall, surprising all of them a bit since it'd been so quiet beforehand.
Kellin sighed and covered Cope's ears, "WHAT?!" Copeland pouted at him and pulled his hands away from her ears lightly, hardly two years old and already wanting to be in the thick of the action.
"Come here!" He called, seeming scared. Must be a spider.
"The fuck?" Kellin muttered, and then... it dawned on him... "Oh shit." He slammed his bowel onto the coffee table and passed Cope to his wife quickly, on his feet and flying down the hall before the others could even blink. "Shit shit shitty shit shit."
He found the spare bathroom's door to be open, revealing one of his oldest friends to be holding back the hair of a little girl, the latter of whom was hunched over the toilet.
"I knew it! I FUCKING KNEW IT!" Kellin groaned, yanking his hand through his hair and slamming his free fist into the door. He saw Rowan's head snap to the side, her eyes wide in terror, pooled with tears, and her make-up long past ruined. "Rowan--"
She shook her head, turning quickly to heave into the bowl, only managing to spit out a mouthful of saliva.
Jesse locked eyes with Kellin, silently asking what to do. Kellin came forward to take Jesse's place but Rowan flinched away. She faced away from her foster father, murmuring words to Jesse too low for Kellin to hear before Jesse nodded, released her hair onto her back, and stepped aside. He didn't leave altogether, but he stood by the door, not sure whether or not to leave.
Kellin cleared his throat, trying to figure out how to speak through his mix of anger, surprise, hurt, and worry. "Rowan--"
Rowan shook her head furiously, a few curls bouncing from her back and into her face. She pushed them back, dry-heaving before finally wearing herself out and slumping against the wall.
"Row--" Kellin began again but she cut him off.
"No." She choked out, looking up at him through heavily-lidded eyes, "I was not planning this. So don't even go there."
"But I--"
"No." She all but growled at him. She leaned her head against the wall, closing her eyes and breathing deeply. Her cheeks were sallow, her face coated in a sheen of sweat. Kellin's hands hung placidly at his sides, not knowing what to do with himself. Jesse, thankfully, took up for him. He wet a washrag at the sink and wrung it out, leaving it cool and damp and passed it to Rowan. She cracked her eyes open to accept the cloth and pressed it to her forehead, quickly running it on the back of her neck beneath her curls as well. "Thanks."
"No problem." Jesse muttered, resuming his place by the door. Kellin began to function again, slowly.
"I'm sorry, Rowan." He said, running his hands over his face.
"W-- Why?"
"I should've known better. I- I shouldn't have let you alone. I- I just-- I'm sorry." His words wouldn't come out right and it was driving him nuts. Had it only been that morning they'd had breakfast together? Had it only been hours ago she'd met Vic? It all felt a lifetime ago. He'd thought she was doing so good but here he was, in his cramped spare bathroom occupied beside a crying girl and confused friend, the girl still nursing a fresh cut from only hours ago. Was he right to bring her here? Was he right to work to keep her out of the inpatient clinic? Had he only done more damage? "...I'm sorry."
"No." Rowan swallowed thickly, running the wet rag across the nape of her neck in a rhythmical pattern. "No I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to. I thought I could keep it down. I thought if I came in here and like cooled off that the nausea would go away. I really did. You believe me don't you?"
Kellin nodded, albeit hesitantly. What if she was just trying to make him feel better but secretly blamed him as well?
"Rowan, is there anything I can get you?" Jesse asked, breaking the silence in a concerned voice.
"Um, well..." She muttered, her eyes on the wet rag she twisted in her fingers nervously.
"Whatever it is it's fine." Jesse reassured her, knowing she wasn't used to having things done for her.
"Can I... just have a water? Like a cold one? If it's not too much trouble." She said, tripping over her words and biting her nearly nonexistent thumb nail.
"Sure." Jesse winked and ducked out of the room, leaving Rowan to stew in her own fear and Kellin in his own worry.
"I really am sorry, Rowan." He told her, leaning against the wall and sliding until his butt hit the cold tile. She shook her head at him before her face went white as a sheet, forcing her to lunge forward and heave into the toilet. Kellin was quick to move after her, rubbing circles into her back. As his hand made contact with her clothing he could practically feel heat waves rolling off her. "Why don't you take your hoodie off?" She turned her head to the side, not noticing a curl fall forward and stick to her sweaty face, giving him a look that was a mix between terrified and incredulous, "Just for a minute. You can put it back on before we go back out, I swear."
She seemed to hesitate but eventually caved, nodding weakly and tugging the zipper down. She was too worn out to pull it off herself but Kellin did it for her, resuming the comforting movements on the back of her camisole between her all-too-visible shoulder blades. As she hunched over the bowl Kellin looked down a bit, for her own dignity's sake, and noticed he was able to count every plate in her spine, from the back of her neck to her leggings. Kellin's own stomach twisted but he'd held back hair for his wife more times than he liked throughout these past weeks, not to mention the days of burping a baby and plenty of drunken nights with his friends, so he was long past being squeamish.
Jesse returned just as Rowan rocked back a bit, accidentally falling back into Kellin's chest, and offered her the glass of iced water gently. She gazed up at him blearily and accepted the gesture with shaky hands, taking a long time to even get the glass steadily to her lips and even longer to successfully swallow any liquid.
"Thank you." She mumbled around the glass, still moving slowly. Jesse grinned, though Kellin could see it didn't reach his eyes, and nodded.
"Well I'm gonna be your Awesome Uncle Jesse anyway, I decided now would be a good time to start." Jesse replied with as shrug.
Either she was too tired to take in his words or she didn't register the familial term because she didn't acknowledge it in particular Kellin noticed. "Cool." was all she told him, trying to give him a half hearted smile in return. She set the glass onto the floor beside her carefully and, in doing so, Kellin felt every nob in her spine move against his side where she leant. It was odd to Kellin in a way to realize that this was now 'normal' to him. As he looked down he found Rowan's eyes to be fluttering closed a bit, she was obviously drained from her long day. How had she even lived this long? How had she even survived without anyone to care for her? She now had two foster parents and a handful of surrogate 'uncles' watching her every move and Kellin still worried for her safety on a regular basis. Speaking of her 'family', Kellin's eyes flickered up to Jesse to see his bandmate studying Rowan with pity clear in his expression. So that was what lay behind his false smile earlier, his shock at seeing Rowan's marred skin for the first time. Kellin suddenly realized that seeing these marks was still new to others, still surprising, and that it would be this way every time she met new people.
"Rowan?" Kellin cooed softly, brushing away the hair that clung to her skin with the glue of sweat.
"Hmm." She hummed, clearly only on the edges of consciousness.
Kellin chuckled softly, "Well I'm glad to see you'll sleep well tonight but there's something we gotta do before you go to sleep."
"I'll bathe tomorrow morning." She murmured, rolling onto her sharp hipbone so that her face was buried into his shirt.
"Ro--" He was trying not to laugh too hard, "Rowan, c'mon. I promise you can sleep soon but you gotta come talk with me and the guys first."
She reached one hand up to rub her eyes tiredly, "Whuh?"
"C'mon." Kellin let her curl into his side, standing slowly and gripping her against his side. It was like she was a four year old in this sleepy state, she didn't even hesitate before wrapping her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck, burying her face into his tattooed collarbone. Kellin chuckled to himself again, rubbing her back before realizing she had too little clothing on for her own comfort. "Jess, man, can you toss me her hoodie?"
Jesse nodded, scooping up the clothing and laying it over her shoulder, shielding her from prying eyes. He stepped out of the bathroom to allow Kelllin past before slipping back in, flushing the toilet, and grabbing up her water. As Kellin walked further into the hall Jesse followed, speaking quietly. "You're really good with her."
Kellin looked up at him in surprise, he hadn't really thought about it that way. He just always did what felt right. "Thanks, man." He said, grinning up at his band mate. They reached the door to the living room but Kellin hung back, "I'm sorry to ask but can you duck in there and ask them to quiet down?"
Jesse nodded, stepping inside and hissing words Kellin couldn't hear through the wood separating them. He poked his head back out before swinging the door wide and allowing him through. The room was quiet and all eyes were on Kellin and the child in his arms as they entered, Jesse shutting the door behind them. Kellin noted that Katelynne wasn't there. As if reading his mind Jesse spoke softly, "Kate's putting Cope to bed."
"Right." Kellin replied quietly, as he spoke he felt Rowan shift a bit, her eyelashes brushing against his collarbone with the slightest tingle. He went back to his seat on the couch, situating Rowan so that she was still curled into his chest but her feet were less awkwardly placed. "Rowan, you've gotta wake up a little." He sighed as she simply turned a little and hummed, he didn't want to wake her any more than she wanted to be woken but there was a tight deadline here. "Ro, kid, this is important."
She finally began to rouse a bit, pulling back only slightly to look up at him, once again rubbing her eyes sleepily. "Hmm?"
Kellin could feel the others' eyes on them as he rubbed her bony back, "We all need to talk about something pretty important. Can you wake up a little for me?" She laid against his chest again but he could tell she was more awake this time, it made her a bit more distant in her level of comfort, "Thanks kiddo."
She nodded, running her tiny, ever-chilled hands over her face, "Whuh... What's up?"
"Ro, you know how I told you I was pissed off at Management and Rise Records earlier?" He asked her hesitantly, not sure how exactly to word it. She nodded again, "Well there's a reason..."
Rowan must have rolled her eyes, sarcasm dripping into her every word. "No really."
"Oooh! Somebody's got an attitude!" Justin chuckled appreciatively, earning a small giggle from the child in Kellin's lap.
"Right, anyway..." Kellin shot Justin a glare over Rowan's head to which he simply shrugged, "Rowan I need your honest, unfiltered opinion on this." She sat up a little more, locking eyes with him, her stature suddenly much more attentive. "They... They want me to go on tour. All of us, Sleeping With Sirens I mean." She looked dazed for a minute before it started to settle in, then she began to draw away from him. It stung. She was now seated between Kellin and Jesse on the couch, her shiny, deep blue orbs still locked with his. "I'm sorry. I know it's been crazy these past couple days, trust me I didn't want this. You- You have some options here though. And keep in mind we aren't going through with anything your doctors don't approve of, okay?" She nodded, just the slightest bob of her head, "So... You can stay here..." Her eyes flickered with something Kellin couldn't quite distinguish, "Kate's parents'll move back into the spare room until I get home, so you'd be with them too. Or you can choose to..." Kellin choked up a bit, not really able to spit the words out. He saw the confusion on her face and knew he had to help her understand, "...to move away from us altogether, into a separate foster home..." He breathed out, looking away from her on the whole, not wanting to know if she was debating that option or not. "Or you could go into the hospital, go through your healing inpatient but come back to us after you're released. Or..." This one was the hardest to say simply because he was terrified she'd shoot it down right away. He took a deep breath and looked up at her again only to find she was further still from him, inching ever closer to Jesse, who seemed just as surprised as Rowan herself did. "Or you could come... with us... on tour."
The room was as quiet as a cemetery, not even breathing could be heard. They were all frozen, waiting for her to make this choice. Rowan's wide eyes were on her lap, her hoodie pulled loosely around her shoulders and her maroon legs drawn close to her chest. She was almost close enough to Jesse to lean against him before she stopped moving and looked up.
Katelynne came in quietly, seeming to asses the tense atmosphere before coming to sit on Kellin's far side, taking his hand in hers. He didn't notice until his wife squeezed his hand that he was shaking all over, scared and nervous and worried and upset on the whole.
"I-- I don't want anyone to be a- angry." Rowan muttered, her eyes seeming to be glued wide open but now boring holes into her jutting knees.
"No one will be angry, sweetheart," Jack cut in, saving Kellin from having to fight to speak through his anxiety, "what matters is that you choose what you will be happiest with."
"Then... I guess, uh, well what is a tour exactly?" She asked hesitantly, her eye line switching around the room.
Gabe cleared his throat, "Well every one is different but this one in particular is called Warped Tour. This is their twentieth year. Anyway, it'll be a ton of bands, all in varying degrees of success, touring together. We'll start in Washington and go through here, California, again before we head South and then East. It basically goes over most of the US. We drive, stop, play a show, pack up, drive off, and repeat. It's pretty simple but it can be rough too. There's a lot of unpredictability and it's nothing if not inconsistent, but... It's also one of the best experiences of your life. Plus a ton of our friends are going along with their bands so it'll never be boring."
Rowan watched Gabe as he talked in that eerily still way she does, clearly making him shift a bit uncomfortably in his seat, but as he stopped speaking her eyes finally left his and flicked to Kellin again. "Would the clinic even let me go?"
Kellin's heart picked up in pace, was she really considering it? "We have a meeting with them tomorrow morning to discuss whatever you choose."
Rowan nodded, reaching her arms up to tug her hoodie around herself a bit more, unintentionally flashing the word 'devil', which was singed into the skin on the side of her forearm, on her wrist, just inches below her pinkie. Kellin caught Jack, who was nearest, gaping at it but before Rowan even saw his reaction he straightened himself out. "Swear no one will be mad...?" She began again, her expression a mix of pleading and hopeful.
"Swear." Kellin confirmed, finding his voice for the first time since he'd laid out her choices.
She nodded once, firmly, and turned to lock eyes with Katelynne briefly before sliding her attention to her foster father. "Would it be okay if I... tired it out? Touring? I- I'd like to go, please, if that's okay with Katelynne."
Kate's eyes watered but before Rowan even had time to backpedal, Katelynne spoke up, "I'd be proud to have you go with them. You're just... so sweet is all." She shrugged, sniffling and trying to smile through it. Rowan and Kellin both knew that the overbearing emotional state was a side effect of the Ativan she'd been taking, so neither said a word.
"You're gonna have fun, kid." Justin offered, grinning wide at her. She peeked up from her knees again to smile back.
'If I even get to go.' She thought to herself, but didn't say it. She gazed up at Kellin a moment, "Was that all?"
Kellin blinked, "Uh, yeah?"
"Cool." Rowan then leaned her head back onto the couch and let her heavy lids fall shut. The guys chuckled, thinking she was teasing, but before they could even return to conversation she'd legitimately fallen asleep. She relaxed when asleep, her features becoming more innocent and pure, something Kellin treasured. He was happy to know that behind the scars and the fear and the hurt she was still just a scared little girl. She rolled her head to the side a bit, accidentally letting her forehead lay to rest on Jesse's bicep. Jesse's mouth fell open a bit, shooting a panicked look to Kellin.
"She'll be fine. Here." Kellin stood, giving Kate's hand a light squeeze before releasing it, and coming to stand in front of Rowan. He stooped down, picking up her frighteningly light seventy-six pounds and one ounce with ease and feeling her subconsciously latch herself around him again. "Be back."
He carried Rowan and her hoodie down the hall to her room, stopping by the laundry room and pulling his once favorite, now worn out Anthem Made shirt that had been passed to her. As they reached the bed Kellin knelt down before it, sitting her on the edge. She woke enough to hold herself upright as he pulled her camisole over her head and replaced it with the Anthem shirt, she played with the fraying hem while he tugged off her leggings. He looked up and saw her rubbing her eyes again, now making her look a bit like a raccoon. He chuckled and guided her to lay back, tuck her in, and rush into her attached bathroom. He re-dampened the towel he'd left to dry that morning, it already having blood stains now, and taking it to her. She was essentially asleep at this point so he just gently washed the make up off for her as best he could. He'd once had the guys of Black Veil Brides do his make up at a party when he was drunk off his ass but that was as close as he'd ever been to wearing or removing make-up. He did his best but settled for what he thought looked fine and dropped the towel into the sink once more. As he flicked off the light to her bathroom and turned to face his sleeping child again he was caught yet again by how openly kind she looked in her sleep, all of her walls dropped. He crossed the room as quietly as he could, dropping himself to sit beside her sleeping form. "Goodnight, beautiful."
She hummed, turning toward his voice in her sleep, but remained unconscious. He sighed happily, finally letting it sink in that he might possibly have her with him this tour. Katelynne and the guys were right, she made him better, and he owed her so much. He left a featherlight kiss on her forehead before leaving the room, switching off her light before turning away.
"Rowan..." She shifted, not ready to wake, trying to bury her face further into the blankets. "Rowan." She tried to push the offender away but only received a laugh in response, "C'mon, kid. Big day. Let's go."
She gave in, forcing her eyes open to see Kellin standing above her, one hand outstretched. "Hmph." She pulled the sheet over her head but Kellin simply tugged it back down.
"I'll carry you in there if I have to." He told her with a smirk.
She threw her hands over her eyes, cracking her fingers a bit and peeking up through, her own smirk forming. "Okay."
"Great, so let's go." Before he could turn away Rowan stood up on the bed, running to catch him. She jumped from the end of the bed, latching on his back and giggling. "Wha--?! RO!!" He groaned, trying to catch his breath, not able to keep himself from grinning. "Oh, fine. If it'll get you out of here faster."
She grinned but bit it back, burying her face into the back of his right shoulder, her legs wrapped around his stomach and his hands gripping her thighs from the side to support her. As they entered the kitchen they found Katelynne, without a wig but instead adorning a beanie, feeding Copeland the food she really didn't want to eat, making funny faces and noises to keep her interested. Rowan giggled again, her face still mostly hidden behind Kellin. Kellin squeezed her leg a bit as he laughed too. He backed up to the bar, setting her on a stool and walking forward to leave her there. He picked up two pre-made plates and set one before himself before sitting beside her. Rowan grimaced seeing what was prepared, scrambled eggs and bacon with a slice of buttered toast. She mentally calculated how many calories lay before her and cringed at the thought. She felt Kellin's eyes on her and remembered what today would decide, therefore she forced herself to pluck up the fork and stab it into a bit of eggs. She swallowed hard, forcing down one bite after another, all in hopes of getting her desired answer from her doctors. She got through seven bites of eggs, one slice of bacon, and three bites of the toast's unbuttered crust. She sighed, looking up to Kellin. He didn't look angry or disappointed. He looked proud.
"Good job, Ro." He ruffled her hair and finished his second slice of toast, having devoured most of his meal in the time it took Rowan to even gain the courage to eat. "Kate's gonna help you get ready."
Rowan nodded, carrying her plate to the sink before following Katelynne down the hall.
Rowan gnawed on her nails, having managed to chip every bit of her once perfect black polish. Katelynne pulled open the door to the backseat, letting Rowan step out slowly, before pushing it shut in her wake. Rowan stood on the pavement, waiting for Katelynne and Kellin to come around to her. She already felt like something was missing, having gone with the Quinn's to drop Copeland off at her grandparents' house for the day, only now realizing how attached she'd become to her sister. Kellin came up beside her, locking the car over his shoulder and taking her right hand, Katelynne mimicking him on Rowan's left side. Together they all but marched into the office doors Rowan had only just escaped the morning before. Rowan zoned out, letting Kellin and Katelynne speak at the counter, busy looking down at what she'd worn for the meeting. She couldn't deny she was terrified and was desperate for any form of comfort. She'd therefore chosen to put back on the Anthem Made shirt after her bath, adding her freshly cleaned charcoal tights and her boots. Of course she added her grey skater hoodie for more coverage, also secretly swiping a bit of the cover-up she'd borrowed on the cut on her wrist. Sure it'd stung like hell going on but she was determined to get the answer she wanted today. Before she even realized it she was being pulled along down the hall into the dreaded room. At least this time she was accompanied by her foster parents, though it was still two against them thanks to the addition of Ms. Greene, Rowan's social worker. Rowan's hands were still occupied by Kel and Kate, for which she was grateful, knowing she'd be scratching her wounds if they weren't, which wouldn't much help her case. She leaned to her right, letting the adults talk dates and numbers and such, focusing solely on the pattern on Kellin's jeans pocket. It seemed to be a part of the brand, the miniature skull surrounded by roses was entirely entertaining. Before she liked, though, Rowan was dragged into the conversation.
"Right, Ro?" Kellin said. She hadn't been listening to his words, too entranced by his pocket and the feeling of his voice reverberating through his chest and against her ear.
"Uh..." She mumbled, looking around as if she'd find cue-cards in the corner.
"Rowan, Mr. Quinn was just telling us that you've spoken outwardly about your desire to get better." Ms. Greene cut in.
"Yes ma'am. I- I really do want to get better." Rowan muttered, her cheeks flaming but she was unable to press her hands against them. She looked bashfully up at her foster mother to find Katelynne smiling kindly down at her.
"Great." Ms. Greene was a kind, matronly woman. She was like a sort of grandmother. Her face was wrinkled and soft, reminding Rowan of a dried peach, topped with a tuft of frothy white hair. Contrary to what you might assume based on her name, this is not a Dr. Seuss book, therefore no, she doesn't only wear the color green. Today she donned an older looking pantsuit in a creme color, the undershirt being a button up made with a crisp pink shirt. Mrs. Bricker was wearing a button up soft yellow shirt tucked into a brown tweed pencil skirt, her hair slicked back in a pristine bun. "Rowan, I'd like to speak with you in private, if that would be alright with you Mr. and Mrs. Quinn?"
Ms. Greene's question was directed at Kellin and Katelynne but, like the amazing parents they were proving themselves to be, they turned to their child. "Rowan?" Kellin asked in confirmation. Rowan nodded, reluctantly letting go of their hands as they stepped from the room with promises of returning as soon as they were needed.
Rowan suddenly felt hot all over, downright scared as she sat in the hot seat.
"Rowan Elizabeth," Ms. Greene began, shocking Rowan with the use of her despised middle name, "we need to hear from you, with no pressures from outside forces, what you want concerning the upcoming change in living situation."
"Uh..." Rowan was careful not to say the wrong thing, triple thinking her words before speaking them, "I like living the Quinn's. I-- I love them." And as she said it she realized how true her words were, but that also petrified her, "But I'd also really like to try this, the touring. I understand now that it's a big part of Kellin's career and I know that this won't be the last time it's brought up as I continue to live with them so... Why not now? I really want this. Please."
Mrs. Bricker and Ms. Greene shared a look before Mrs. Bricker spoke, "Rowan, would you please bring the Quinn's in again?"
She nodded, shooting up from her chair as if she'd been electrocuted, running to the door. She raced down the hall, reaching the waiting area, out of breath, to see Kellin rubbing Kate's back in a comforting way. She paused before clearing her throat, making them look up at her with a smile.
"Are we to leave?" Kellin asked.
Rowan shook her head, "They want you back." Kellin nodded, guiding Katelynne to stand and following Rowan back down the hall at a much slower pace.
"That was fast." Katelynne commented, but Rowan just shrugged, not really sure how to explain her brief begging and the following curt response.
"Thank you," Ms. Greene said, opening the door and ushering them in, "There's just one more thing we need to discuss before any decision is finalized."
Kellin nodded, stepping into the room, "Sure. What's next then."
Ms. Greene paused, turning to Rowan as the family entered, "Rowan, We're going to have another discussion but this one's for adults." Rowan nearly scoffed, she knew she'd seen more in her thirteen years than most adults on their deathbed ever had, but resisted, wanting more than anything to be allowed her wish today, nodding instead. "There's a room just across the hall marked four, head on in there please and we'll let you know when you're needed."
Rowan's wide eyes flashed to Kellin for a split second before she bobbed her head once more and turned from the room. As soon as she was gone and Kellin and Katelynne took their seats on the couch, the door was shut, surprising Kellin. "Don't you need to check that she's okay?"
"We are." Mrs. Bricker replied, picking up the remote on the coffee table and switching on the television to Kellin's right. It showed a small room with blue walls painted with clouds and green linoleum flooring that was designed to feel as if you were standing outside in an idillic world. Rowan's small body entered the screen slowly, grimacing at the cheery decorations, and took a seat in a red chair. It was one of the small, plastic chairs of bright, primary colors that littered the edges of the room as the middle was highly populated with loose toys and a number of board game boxes. Rowan's face was hidden from the camera but as Kellin watched he noticed her shoulders shifting from one side to another quickly, indicating she was looking around herself fervently. His heart ached, he wanted to be there with her, and his stomach twisted, he felt like he was invading her privacy in a way he never had before even when sitting in the room while she changed. This was different. It felt wrong. He tore his eyes away from the screen roughly, determined to respect Rowan even if she had no idea others weren't doing the same. "So..."
Kellin's eyes finally had something else to focus on, for which he was grateful, but as he turned his attention to Mrs. Bricker he found her gaze to still be on the security footage.He cleared his throat loudly, drawing her gaze to him, "Yes...?"
Silence stretched until Ms. Greene stepped into the conversation, "You know how we discussed Rowan's need for medication concerning her depression, emaciation, obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety, and mild attention deficit disorder..." Kellin nodded, he'd known, but his mouth fell open just a bit in surprise nevertheless, "Well we also understand she's still in the beginning stages of overcoming her anorexia and bulimia nervosa and still having issues keeping food down." Kellin's eyes unintentionally flicked to the screen to find Rowan tracing patterns idly on the knees of her tights, "The difficulty of having her away from the hospital where we could place her on a nutrition and medication IV drip is finding a productive way to put her on the medication she needs. We have a proposal."
Kellin gulped, glanced over to find Katelynne staring down at the tissue she wrapped around her fingers in absentminded nervousness. He nodded for the woman to go on, knowing that these issues wouldn't disappear just because he wanted them to for his foster daughter's sake.
"Right, so we approve of Rowan accompanying your band on his tour with the proper adjustments made, which we can talk about at a later date, in order for her to be able to go. Starting today Rowan's every bite of food will indicate how we further her treatment." Ms. Greene continued carefully, "Based on her ability, or lack thereof, to keep down food will let us know whether or not she'll have to be put on injections."
Kellin's jaw dropped, shots?! His mind flashed back to watching the nurse jab a needle into Rowan's stick-skinny arm repeatedly to find her vein. His heart pounded in his chest, he wasn't sure how he was supposed to go about this. His head spun as his gaze slid to the screen once again to find Rowan playing with a Jacob's Ladder toy in a bored manner. He could not imagine himself aiming sharp metal at that little girl, no matter how much good it would do her. He almost screamed out, how much torture could one child be put through?! What this some cosmic joke?! His head whipped round too face the doctor and social worker again, "What do we have to do to make sure that never happens?"
Thanks, MM.
Kellin shifted his weight from one foot to the other, anxious and excited, while standing in Rowan's doorway. She was almost literally dragging her feet, tying her boots as slowly as she could manage. He distantly heard Katelynne calling 'Coming' to whoever had knocked.
"You can go on, you don't have to wait for me. I'll be down in a second." Rowan told him calmly, still a bit breathless from her incessant laughing.
Kellin hesitated, chewing it over in his mind. If he left her she'd be alone, but if he didn't go talk to whoever had shown up first he wasn't sure he'd feel safe letting her nearby. He needed a minute to check in with the guys before he would feel totally comfortable exposing Rowan to them, they could come on a little strong at times. Finally he gave in. "Fine, but hurry on down, yeah?"
Rowan nodded, still avoiding looking him in the eye. Kellin took off, arriving at the front door to see Jesse and Katelynne talking. "Hey man," He gave his bandmate a bro-hug, clapping him on the back, "Thanks for coming."
"S'no problem," Jesse shrugged, "So where's Rowan?"
"She should be down in a few, I wanted to come ahead and say hey." Kellin shrugged, rubbing one hand on the back of his neck.
"Uh-huh," Jesse teased, "More like you wanted to make sure we weren't yelling and throwing trash cans on top of people."
"Hey! I know from personal experience how not fun it is to get a mystery liquid dripped on you!" Kellin huffed, folding his arms over his chest in what he knew was a childish way. "Besides, I wouldn't let you do that anyway, it'd ruin Kate's 'masterpiece'."
Jesse gave Katelynne a curious look, "I did Rowan's hair and make-up. Kellin is pissed because he thinks she looks too grown up but I think it's cute, her wanting to look nice for you lot."
Jesse chuckled, "Figures Kel'd be pissed." He grinned widely and ruffled Kellin's hair as if he were the child he pretended to be. "I'm sure you did a great job." Jesse offered Katelynne, making her smile sweetly.
"Oh shut up. Just get inside already." Kellin grumbled, his arms still folded and a clear pout on his face. Jesse shook his head and followed Katelynne to the living room. As Kellin turned to join them the doorbell sounded again. "I got it!" He called, pulling the door open to reveal Justin and Gabe. "Hey guys!"
"Yo." Justin said with a smirk, not even sparing a hug hello before walking past Kellin into the house as if it were his own.
"No really, make yourself comfortable, I insist." Kellin mumbled sarcastically, making Gabe laugh. "Thanks for coming and NOT SHOWING UP ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE ASSHAT!" Kellin told Gabe, yelling the last bit loud enough he was sure Justin could hear.
Gabe shook his head playfully at the whole ordeal and stepped over the threshold, giving Kellin a hug. "I was glad to come, man."
Kellin told him to head on to the living room, having seen Jack parking as he stood with the door open. "Hey, slow poke."
Jack rolled his eyes, "Last to join the band, last to show up." He winked, locking his car over his shoulder before shoving the keys into his back pocket. "Hey Kell."
"Come on in, everyone else is in the living." Kellin closed the door, walking with Jack into the living room to find Jesse and Katelynne on the couch, Gabe on the love seat and Justin in the recliner with his feet kicked up on the coffee table. Jack joined Gabe but Kellin stopped to knock Justin's feet down before plopping down next to Katelynne. Kellin rolled his eyes as Justin kicked his feet right back onto of the table.
"Where's Rowan? Do we get to meet her?" Jack asked, looking around himself as if to make sure he hadn't missed her.
"She'll be down in a sec." Kellin told them, smiling proudly at the thought of introducing her.
Katelynne tapped his leg lovingly, "Babe, can you go tally up the calories for Rowan's dinner? I left all the packages out so you can read the nutrition facts."
Kellin agreed, pushing himself up to go to the kitchen. In his wake the guys and Kate started talking about Olive, Jesse and Ashley's three month old daughter, breaking $1,000 worth of merchandise in Ikea the week before. Kellin laughed lowly to himself as he rounded the corner into the hall, catching sight of a very nervous looking Rowan frozen in the hallway. "Ro?" Her eyes shot up to his but her earlier amusement was gone, replaced now with worry. She was chewing off her lipgloss and rubbing her hands together, "You headed in there to meet the guys?"
"I... Uh, I think I left something in my room..." She turned to flee but Kellin jogged down the hall to catch her by the shoulder.
"Hey, hey, you'll be fine. They'll love you!" She still didn't seem too convinced. "C'mon, you can help me by setting the table and meet them in a bit. Okay?" To this she nodded, swallowing hard and following Kellin back toward the kitchen. As they arrived Kellin handed Rowan a stack of plates, "Mind setting this up? I've got something to do first but then I'll help." Still stoically silent, she nodded and did as she was told.
Once she'd gone through the swinging door to the dining room Kellin set to his own job. He pulled the pasta boxes -bow-tie, elbow, and lasagna pasta- over to the pad of paper and information sheets. He began calculating and adding, making sure to count every ounce out, and scrawling it all on the papers they were to hand in to the clinic. Tonight's meal was Twice Backed Mac and Cheese, something Kellin convinced Katelynne would be a crowd pleaser and hopefully be something Rowan would like too. After all, what kid didn't like mac and cheese? As he was furiously scribbling numbers onto the paper he caught sight of Rowan out of the corner of his eye, standing still. She was facing him, holding silverware and napkins, and wearing a blank expression.
"What's up, kiddo?" Kellin asked, feeling a bit like he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he knew she wouldn't like the idea of them controlling her every bite.
"What's all that?" She asked, her voice eerily hallow.
"Um, just making sure that dinner's all good. You know, with the clinic's rules and all." He'd been right to be wary of her reaction. She became even more distant, if that was possible, nodding in a robot-like way and turning to leave again, "Rowan--"
But it was useless, she was gone and upset. Kellin sighed, turing once more to the paper before him. As soon as he was sure it was all fine, their dinner and dessert and such all counted out, he put all the boxes and packages away quickly. He grabbed up the glasses he could hold and used his shoulder to shove open the swinging door to the dining room. He found Rowan there, still moving stiffly and seeming disconnected from where she was. He began to place the cups down slowly, trying to think of something to say. He hated that she had to feel like she was being watched and controlled in what was supposed to be her safe-haven but it was what they had to do in order for her to be here at all. By the time he looked up again she was done with her job, standing by the door to the living room and looking directly at the wood as if she could see through it.
Kellin hurried to grab the last three glasses from the kitchen, set them out, and return to Rowan's side. She had yet to acknowledge his presence but Kellin could tell she knew he was there nevertheless. "Rowan," She didn't move much, but for the smallest flicker of her eyes in his direction, "I think it's time we go in there." She still didn't respond. Kellin ran a hand through his hair and then placed it on the door, ready to push it open and lead her through. Just before he shoved it, though, he felt a bony, cold hand slip into his free one. He looked down at Rowan to see her still staring straight forward, her own free hand against the side of her mouth as she gnawed on her bottom lip. He squeezed her hand briefly, still minding that it was a healing wound, and then pushed the door open.
They were hit with the sound of loud conversations and boisterous laughter. Justin was playing a game on his phone and making exclamations like 'HA!' or 'Gotcha!'. Gabe and Jack seemed to be having a fight about the preference between the word 'Spork' versus 'Foon'. All while Jesse played peek-a-boo with a giggling Copeland, who was now sat on Katelynne's lap. Kellin's grip on Rowan's hand tightened as he gulped a bit, this was exactly what he was scared of. He glanced down to see Rowan staring at the mayhem with wide eyes and a deadened expression. Shit. Kellin cleared his throat a bit, hoping to gain their attention but they continued to ignore him. He tried again, a bit louder, but it still went unnoticed. Finally he cracked.
"HEY!" Everyone's eyes snapped to. As soon as they saw the child at his side, who was now slightly shaking, they fell silent. Incredibly silent. Creepily silent. You could practically hear Rowan's quickened breaths throughout the room. Kellin swallowed hard again, trying to be the calm one for Rowan's sake. "Uh, hey. This is... Rowan."
It was still quiet, no one was sure how to respond in the tense atmosphere. Kellin could feel Rowan's hand shuddering even more as she began to shake more violently. Finally the silence was broken.
Jesse smiled, "Hey, Rowan. Nice to meet you." And it seemed that the entire room sighed in relief. Most of the rigidity was lost, replaced by the comfortable kind of tone the guys were used to.
"Hey, I'm Jack." He gave her a kind smile, which she sort of returned, and nodded her way. They had all been warned that she wasn't good with much physical contact from men so no one made a move to shake her hand, something for which Kellin at least was grateful.
"I'm Gabe." He told her, raising his hand as if he were declaring himself 'present' in a classroom. She nodded to him, seeming to slowly regain a bit of her reactions.
"I'm Justin and I'm the coolest." Justin told her matter-of-factly, still sounding a little smug. Rowan even cracked a bit of a real smile at that, it grew even more as Jesse retaliated.
"Oh, not even!" He argued, making Justin's smug smirk widen.
"Yeah, I'm obviously the coolest here." Jack added, leaning back into the couch as Gabe smacked his arm. "Hey!"
"You deserved it. I'm the coolest." Gabe shot back while Jack rubbed his arm as if he'd been hit by a car, though in reality Kellin knew Gabe's punches were nothing short of hilarious.
"Guys, guys," Kellin began, catching everyone's attention, "We all know this argument it irrelevant. I'm the best. End of."
Even Rowan protested to that, as the guys all called out their comments she shoved her shoulder into his side, never losing her grip on his hand. "As if!" She groaned, her voice still a bit shaky. Nonetheless the fact that she'd spoken as all seemed to make everyone smile, Kellin's being the biggest grin. The room almost fell quiet again, simply from the shock of Rowan having spoken, but instead there was a small rumbling sound of a growling stomach. Rowan's made-up cheeks flushed a brilliant red and she put her free hand against them as she always did when she blushed.
"I think that's my cue." Katelynne said, making the guys chuckle, as she stood, set Cope in Jesse's lap, and made her way to the kitchen.
"C'mon." Kellin said, motioning for the guys to head on in to the dining room. He pulled Rowan off to the side, letting all the guys go through first, leaving himself and his foster daughter alone. Kellin crouched down a bit, making sure he was at eye level with her, "Alright I need you to promise me something." The small smile she'd mustered up seemed to droop at that, but she nodded for him to go on, "I don't care what's going on, who I'm talking to, whatever... If you need my attention you tell me, okay? If you're feeling sick, full, whatever it is... just tell me. Okay?"
"O- Okay." She mumbled, chewing on her lip roughly again.
"Good. Let's do this thing, yeah?" He grinned at her encouragingly, standing up again and ruffling her hair. He chuckled as she hurried to fix it, giving him a mockingly dirty look. She didn't let go of his hand once as he led her through to the diner table. He sat at one end, Jesse to his left and Rowan to his right. On Ro's other side sat Katelynne, with Copeland to Kate's right in her high-chair. On Jesse's left was Jack, followed by Gabe, and Justin at the end- straight across from Kellin. Rowan was still slightly trembling, avoiding looking at the platters of food spread out in the middle of the table. Even as the guys grabbed up spoons and passed dishes, Kellin found Rowan's eyes to be glued to her hands. Jesse nudged Kellin, signaling toward Ro's empty plate, but Kellin just shook his head, mouthing 'I've got it', and Jesse let it go. As the dish full of mac and cheese reached Kellin he did as he had the night before, serving himself and then Rowan. Her eyes shot up to the food on her plate but she made no further move. Kellin continued to serve her salad, vegetables and such, watching her eyes pop wider with every spoonful of food. Rowan seemed to be trying to distract herself, she was muttering words under her breath and tapping her hand against the table in an even beat. Gabe grinned, tapping on his own bit of table, adding a back-up beat to hers. Rowan seemed surprised, her head snapping over to see Gabe smiling at her, she smiled a bit and tapped harder, making her beat more prominent. Gabe chuckled softly, bobbing his head along as he switched his own rhythm up to accommodate hers. Kellin smiled at them both, watching as they battled back and forth with random patterns. Finally Gabe seemed to give up, not able to keep up with her tiny fingers drumming a fast beat out.
"You drum?" Gabe called over to her, still smiling.
She shrugged, "Never tried, never had the opportunity to."
"Would you like to?" She gave a response of a kind of half-shrug, half-nod, "I'll teach you if you want. You've got good rhythm."
Rowan grinned, "Thank you." She muttered, her cheeks pink and her eyes downcast again, her smile ever-present.
"No problem." Gabe told her honestly, smiling as well to have made her happy. He was pulled into a conversation by Justin a moment later but Rowan's smile had yet to fade.
Kellin wasn't happy to kill her buzz but he had to have her eat. He handed her her fork, but she just looked at it blankly, then looked up at him and grinned goofily. She hurriedly dropped her eyes from his, giggling a bit. "Rowan?" But she wouldn't look at him, she just kept giggling and avoiding him. "Rowan, c'mon." Still she just grinned behind her hair, hiding. He reached across, pushing her hair behind her ear. She finally looked up at him, but the second their eyes met she just started laughing and looked away. Had she actually gone insane? Was she on drugs? "Rowan, look at me." She shook her head, "Why not?" Again, she shook her head. "Rowan, I'm serious, look at me."
She giggled a bit, muttering something quietly.
"What? I can't hear you." Kellin told her, trying to get her to speak up a bit.
She tried to catch her breath, mumbling, "I- I can't."
"Look at me? Why not? Rowan, c'mon, you have to eat." She just shook her head again. "Why not?"
She murmured something low again, but Kellin couldn't hear.
"What?" She tried again but she was still too quiet. Kellin sighed, nudging Jesse a bit. He seemed to get the point, quieting down and motioning for the others to do the same. Rowan didn't seem to notice, still laughing to herself. "What did you say?"
"Youdontwearmagnum." She whispered again, but this time it was quiet enough to hear her.
"What?" Kellin asked for what felt like the thousandth time.
"You--" She giggled again, "You don't wear magnum."
It went totally still again before Katelynne just busted out laughing. The rest still seemed confused, so Kate choked out her words between her guffaws, "She must've seen our drawer."
And then it clicked. Jesse did a spit-take, spraying Kellin in his iced tea as he fell out laughing. The rest of the guys followed suit, all laughing so loudly Rowan worried they'd shatter their glasses. Kellin's face was hot as an oven but he seemed to be frozen solid. He was still staring at his foster daughter with saucer-sized eyes, the latter of whom was laughing loudly as the rest.
He eventually seemed to defrost while everyone else nursed their aching ribs and breathless laughs, "Wh-- What?"
Rowan tried to get air to her lungs through all her chuckles, "You-- Your hands are way too small for that."
"OH MY GOD!" Jesse roared, laughing harder still. His face was almost the shade of his hair with the lack of oxygen. "SHE IS SO STAYING, I LOVE HER ALREADY!"
He leaned across Kellin to high-five Rowan, still chortling. Kellin blinked a couple times. Then he spoke, clearly in complete denial. "No. Nope. You definitely did not say that. Nope."
Rowan couldn't help but smirk again. Katelynne piped in, winking at her foster daughter, "You're right, Rowan."
Kellin's jaw dropped, the laughing beginning again in a fresh wave. "Hey! It was all the store had and I was in a hurry!"
"More like horny." Justin muttered, still clearly enough that everyone heard anyway.
"More like wishful thinking." Jack pitched in, nearly speaking at a normal volume, preservation of Kellin's pride long forgotten in the midst of their own entertainment.
"Alright, alright, enough laughing at my expense!" Kellin groaned. The guys were wiping tears from their eyes and catching their breath, Kellin just glared at them. After what felt like a lifetime everything had settled down again and Kellin decided to try again with Rowan. "Ro, you've got to eat something." She, of course, had no idea how much was hanging on her ability to get better, she didn't know about the tour yet. She took the fork he offered her but didn't go so far as to actually eat, simply toying with the little pieces of bow-tie pasta. "C'mon, Rowan, just start with one bite."
She looked up at him, amusement having been washed away by the apprehension now clear in her features, but she did manage to stab about three pieces of barely cheesy pasta and twirled them on the end of her fork. Kellin tried to only look out of the corner of his eye, not wanting her to feel too pressured, as she bit off one piece of elbow pasta and chewed it in her mouth with the speed of a snail. She swallowed thickly, seeming to nearly choke with the feeling of food sliding down her throat, before glancing to Kellin and sending him a halfhearted smile. He returned it, nodding for her to go on.
She was able to eat three bites of pasta, Kellin saw, while her foster father was talking to Jesse. Afterwards she set her fork down on the plate, wincing at the sharp metallic sound it made. Kellin's head snapped to at that, raising an eyebrow at her, turning his full attention to his foster daughter while the rest of their guests carried on.
"Come on, Ro. Two more bites and you're done." She let her lips fall into a shocked and annoyed 'O'. "I mean it, kiddo, two more. You can do it." She glared at him, rocking back in her chair and crossing her arms over her chest, looking away from him. "Pouting won't get you anywhere. Two more."
Rowan narrowed her eyes at him, leaning forward and grabbing her fork with what was probably too much force, flinching as the metal silverware hit the exposed slice in her palm. She painted a sarcastic smirk on her face and brought a forkful of food to her lips. She bit it hard, exaggerating every movement for Kellin's benefit, and gulped it down.
"Great." Kellin told her, without an ounce of sarcasm or annoyance, "One more."
Rowan raised one eyebrow but followed along, eating one more bite before slamming her fork back to her plate. Everyone flinched at that, but tried to pretend they didn't notice. Rowan's eyes were on her lap again. Kellin set one finger beneath her chin, tugging it up softly, to find one grey tear sliding down her made-up cheek. It took a bit of her mascara with it, but she didn't seem to care, lifting her sleeve to rub the rebel away and staining her hoodie.
"Thank you for doing that, Rowan. You're so brave." Kellin leaned forward in his chair, giving her a soft kiss on the forehead, neither of them caring that he was further smudging her make-up. She nodded as he pulled back, still not really looking away from her mascara-stained sleeve. Kellin turned to the group, seeing everyone was done and carrying on separate conversations. "You guys ready for dessert?" Of course, it was his bandmates he was addressing, so there were more than a few cheers. "Let's go into the living room then?"
There was movement as the guys scooped up the dirty dishes -despite Katelynne's protests- and dropped them in the kitchen before thundering into the living room. Kate followed, lifting Copeland onto her hip and thanking Jack for grabbing hers and her toddler's plates. All the while Rowan seemed still, lifeless. She'd tugged up the end of her dirty sleeve to reveal her bandaged wrist, playing with the wrap as if she were planning to undo it. Kellin had remained still as well, reaching slowly across to pull her hand away from the wapping before she could rip it off.
"Ready for dessert?" Rowan was obviously unresponsive to what would be a tempting offer to any other child but it didn't phase Kellin. "C'mon."
He stood, grabbing his own plate, and reached for Rowan's but she stopped him, pushing his hand back softly. "I've got it." He nodded and headed for the kitchen, dumping his dish into the sink and writing down the amount of bites she'd taken quickly. Rowan appeared in the doorway a moment later, pretending not to see Kellin hide the pen and paper behind a loose box of cereal, and added her still-mostly-untouched plate to the growing pile in the sink.
Kellin walked to the door to the hall, signaling over his shoulder for Rowan to follow. She did, until they reached the door to the living room, where she paused. "Come on, Ro." He pushed the door open and took a step inside but she still remained unmoving.
"Hey, Kell, we were just about to say-- Wait, where's Rowan?" Justin called, not seeing Rowan tucked behind the door frame.
"Hold on." Kellin held up one finger and turned back to Rowan. "C'mon..."
"I-- I have to go to the bathroom." She told him, her eyes flickering nervously toward the full room.
"Okay." Kellin sighed, not knowing how to make her feel more comfortable, so he just turned away from the living room, "Let's go."
Rowan put a hand on his stomach, stopping him, "No. I'll be fine. You go ahead in there."
Kellin rolled his eyes, "I'm not stupid. I know what you're planning and I'm not allowing it. Now let's go to the bathroom and then we'll come back down here."
"I'm not planning anything," Rowan huffed, dropping her hand from his stomach to cross her arms across her own chest, "And I'm thirteen for Christ's sake. So stop treating me like a baby and let me go piss by myself."
"Don't say that." Kellin replied, taking a step out of the living room and closing the door behind himself. "You know why I have to go too. Let's just go."
"No. Go be with your friends. I'll be back in a minute." Rowan growled, not completely convincing due to the fact that she was nearly crying in frustration.
"Rowan, quit putting up a fight about this. Either you need to pee and I'm coming or you're just making up an excuse." Kellin shot back, arching one eyebrow as if challenging her.
"Fine." Rowan sighed, dropping her hands to her sides and looking up at Kellin through her lined, striking eyes. Her voice came out in a strangled whisper, "I just wanted a minute. Okay? Just one minute. I'm nervous as all hell, alright? So I just wanted a sixty seconds alone to clear my head. Is that really so much to ask?"
Kellin softened, seeing just how hard this really was for her. He stepped toward her, now familiar enough with her to know to ignore her slight recoil as he rested his hand on the top of her head and ran his fingers through her hair. "No. No. You're right, I'm sorry. Look, I just care is all. I just want to help."
"I know." She muttered, no longer looking at him but closing her eyes and leaning into his hand slightly. She breathed out softly, opening her eyes but not looking him in the eye, "I'm sorry too."
"Just be quick, okay? I have something we all need to talk about." As soon as he said it Kellin saw Rowan's head tilt further into his hand in confusion, "It's nothing to worry about. Just hurry back, yeah?"
Rowan nodded, pulling away and giving him a sad sort of smile before taking off down the hall to the spare bathroom. Kellin pushed the door open once more, finally headed into the crowded living room.
"Hey?" Kate said, obviously confused by his reappearance, still without their foster daughter.
"Hey." Kellin replied simply, dropping onto the couch as before, between Kate and Jack. Justin and Jesse had switched places but Gabe was once again on the love seat.
"...Where's Rowan?" Katelynne asked slowly, as if she were speaking to a deaf person.
"She'll be here in a minute." Kellin replied, shrugging and taking Cope off his wife's lap and onto his own.
"You're different." Jesse stated bluntly, making Kellin shoot him a quizzical look. "Since Rowan's showed up... You're... You're like you were before. You're the old you."
"When did I ever change?" Kellin asked, clearly confused. The room fell quiet, everyone too caring to really speak the words.
"They mean since my diagnosis." Katelynne cut in, not one single ounce bitterly, only speaking with love and fondness, "You changed back then... You were not the you I knew. And I love you for that, I know you only grew depressed because you cared for me, but... I saw it too. I saw you change. It was your voice, your laugh... You never smiled. You didn't speak unless you had to. And you weren't as into it on stage. You thought you had us fooled, I'm sure, but you can't fool the people who care for you most. Matty called me that day we found out, you remember?" Of course he remembered, in fact Kellin would never be able to forget it. "I called you as soon as I walked out of the radiologist's office and sat in the parked car. I told you you'd need to sit down and my mom held my hand in the car as I told you. And what surprised me most was that I didn't cry. I expected myself to not even be able to speak but I think I was still in shock... And you were quiet. I remember that most because you'd been in the bus and it's never quiet there but it was silent that day. And the only thing you said to me was that you knew I'd be fine. You told me you would make sure of it... And that was all it took. I felt like I could do this because I knew you wouldn't let me down. Then we hung up and next thing I know my mother's driving us home and I get a call from Matty and he didn't even have to ask if something had happened. He didn't even say hi. He just said, 'Is there anything I can do?' He knew, just based on how you'd reacted after we got off the phone, he told me, that something was wrong. I love you, Kellin, but you were in fact depressed after that. I was just glad you had these guys and Memphis with you until that tour ended because I knew you needed them. But since you came home that day after your first group session... you were different. Before you even told me what had happened I knew something had changed again. You were the man I fell in love with again. You were you. I'm forever grateful to Rowan for that, for giving the world back a man who so many people love and depend on. She makes you better."
The room was quiet until Kellin breathed out slowly. "I'm sorry."
"What?" Kate asked, confused as to how he could feel sorry for anything.
"I... I didn't realize I was so obvious. I didn't mean to be a burden..." Kellin murmured, absentmindedly letting Copeland play with his fingers as he stared blankly into his lap.
"No no no." Katelynne said quickly, her hand resting on his arm, "That's not at all why I said that. I was only saying that Jesse's right, Rowan makes you better. But you were only ever changed to begin with as a side-effect of having a big heart. You were far from a burden."
"Yeah, we only noticed cause we care, Kell. None of the fans even knew anything was up until Katelynne put it out there." Jack offered, rubbing one hand on Kellin's shoulder. "I'm just happy to see you're past that. I think we all are."
The guys murmured words of confirmation, making Kellin give them a grin. "Me too."
"Let me grab the ice cream." Kate said, shimmying off the couch and making her way into the kitchen.
"So, you guys know there's a reason we had to get together..." Kellin began, receiving nods of understanding from the others. "I- I'm just not sure what the right thing to do here is. We haven't talked to Rowan about it yet, or her doctors, because I didn't want to cause unnecessary stress if it all ended up being a moot point. I wanted to check with you guys first to make sure we all really want to do this. I know I'm not the only one with things to leave at home if we go... I know Olive isn't even half a year yet and I wasn't sure where you stood on that Jesse. And I know you're weddings aren't too far off, Jack and Gabe... And I know Justin and Lindsey just found out you're expecting.... I just want to make sure if I go on with bringing Ro into this discussion that we're all in."
Jesse was the first to speak up, "Ash and I talked about it earlier and we decided if we're going that she and Olive will just fly out for her birthday and stuff. She's fine with me going, and I'd be excited to do Warped again but... Are you sure you would be too?"
"I think so. I don't know, Kate thinks I should. It's Rowan I'm worried about..." Kellin told them, Copeland now chewing on a fistful of his shirt.
"Well Lindsey and I are cool with it," Justin said, "She won't be able to visit as much as she'd like to since she's pregnant but we both decided it'll be fine."
"Yeah, Soph and I aren't planning our wedding till next spring so we have plenty of time." Gabe pitched in.
"Ours'll be this winter but we'll be back long before then. Besides, you know how picky Jenna is, she'd want to plan it all herself wether I'm here or not." Jack replied, chuckling to himself about the woman he loved.
Jesse coughed, mixing his words in, "Whipped." He coughed again for added effect.
"Oh hardy har har." Jack muttered, shooting Jesse a sarcastic look. Jesse winked back at him, making Jack glare in return.
"So I guess it's time to involve the clinic? We're all good with going through with it?" Kellin butted in, the guys focusing again. He received nods of agreement just as Katelynne returned carrying five bowls of ice cream in a way that made her look like Cinderella. Kellin was totally mystified. "How can you even do that?"
Katelynne winked at him, letting Justin and Gabe grab the bowls they could reach as she passed them first, "I'm good with my hands." The guys made various sounds of disgust as if they were kids joking about cooties, whereas Kellin just smirked at them. Jesse got his next and finally Jack and Kellin.
"Don't I know it." He said smugly, making the guys act as though they were puking into their bowls.
"Okay, no. T.M.I. I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that my husband is cheating on me and go pee." Jesse proclaimed, Katelynne only laughing as she went into the kitchen to grab her own bowl, Rowan's, and Cope's. Jesse stood and followed but headed instead into the hallway.
The guys dug in, Kellin offering a spoonful of his to Copeland while Kate returned with hers and their daughter's servings.
"I forgot to ask, did Rise tell you when we'd be expected?" Jack asked around a mouthful of Cookies and Cream.
"Next week." Kellin muttered sourly, still resentful of the idea that Rise decided to drop this on them out of nowhere.
"That soon?" Justin asked, his eyes wide and dessert forgotten.
Kellin shrugged and nodded, not any more pleased with the hurry than his bandmates were. "They want us to mix in stuff from Feel into our set also so we'll need to practice quite a bit until we go."
"KELLIN?" Jesse called from down the hall, surprising all of them a bit since it'd been so quiet beforehand.
Kellin sighed and covered Cope's ears, "WHAT?!" Copeland pouted at him and pulled his hands away from her ears lightly, hardly two years old and already wanting to be in the thick of the action.
"Come here!" He called, seeming scared. Must be a spider.
"The fuck?" Kellin muttered, and then... it dawned on him... "Oh shit." He slammed his bowel onto the coffee table and passed Cope to his wife quickly, on his feet and flying down the hall before the others could even blink. "Shit shit shitty shit shit."
He found the spare bathroom's door to be open, revealing one of his oldest friends to be holding back the hair of a little girl, the latter of whom was hunched over the toilet.
"I knew it! I FUCKING KNEW IT!" Kellin groaned, yanking his hand through his hair and slamming his free fist into the door. He saw Rowan's head snap to the side, her eyes wide in terror, pooled with tears, and her make-up long past ruined. "Rowan--"
She shook her head, turning quickly to heave into the bowl, only managing to spit out a mouthful of saliva.
Jesse locked eyes with Kellin, silently asking what to do. Kellin came forward to take Jesse's place but Rowan flinched away. She faced away from her foster father, murmuring words to Jesse too low for Kellin to hear before Jesse nodded, released her hair onto her back, and stepped aside. He didn't leave altogether, but he stood by the door, not sure whether or not to leave.
Kellin cleared his throat, trying to figure out how to speak through his mix of anger, surprise, hurt, and worry. "Rowan--"
Rowan shook her head furiously, a few curls bouncing from her back and into her face. She pushed them back, dry-heaving before finally wearing herself out and slumping against the wall.
"Row--" Kellin began again but she cut him off.
"No." She choked out, looking up at him through heavily-lidded eyes, "I was not planning this. So don't even go there."
"But I--"
"No." She all but growled at him. She leaned her head against the wall, closing her eyes and breathing deeply. Her cheeks were sallow, her face coated in a sheen of sweat. Kellin's hands hung placidly at his sides, not knowing what to do with himself. Jesse, thankfully, took up for him. He wet a washrag at the sink and wrung it out, leaving it cool and damp and passed it to Rowan. She cracked her eyes open to accept the cloth and pressed it to her forehead, quickly running it on the back of her neck beneath her curls as well. "Thanks."
"No problem." Jesse muttered, resuming his place by the door. Kellin began to function again, slowly.
"I'm sorry, Rowan." He said, running his hands over his face.
"W-- Why?"
"I should've known better. I- I shouldn't have let you alone. I- I just-- I'm sorry." His words wouldn't come out right and it was driving him nuts. Had it only been that morning they'd had breakfast together? Had it only been hours ago she'd met Vic? It all felt a lifetime ago. He'd thought she was doing so good but here he was, in his cramped spare bathroom occupied beside a crying girl and confused friend, the girl still nursing a fresh cut from only hours ago. Was he right to bring her here? Was he right to work to keep her out of the inpatient clinic? Had he only done more damage? "...I'm sorry."
"No." Rowan swallowed thickly, running the wet rag across the nape of her neck in a rhythmical pattern. "No I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to. I thought I could keep it down. I thought if I came in here and like cooled off that the nausea would go away. I really did. You believe me don't you?"
Kellin nodded, albeit hesitantly. What if she was just trying to make him feel better but secretly blamed him as well?
"Rowan, is there anything I can get you?" Jesse asked, breaking the silence in a concerned voice.
"Um, well..." She muttered, her eyes on the wet rag she twisted in her fingers nervously.
"Whatever it is it's fine." Jesse reassured her, knowing she wasn't used to having things done for her.
"Can I... just have a water? Like a cold one? If it's not too much trouble." She said, tripping over her words and biting her nearly nonexistent thumb nail.
"Sure." Jesse winked and ducked out of the room, leaving Rowan to stew in her own fear and Kellin in his own worry.
"I really am sorry, Rowan." He told her, leaning against the wall and sliding until his butt hit the cold tile. She shook her head at him before her face went white as a sheet, forcing her to lunge forward and heave into the toilet. Kellin was quick to move after her, rubbing circles into her back. As his hand made contact with her clothing he could practically feel heat waves rolling off her. "Why don't you take your hoodie off?" She turned her head to the side, not noticing a curl fall forward and stick to her sweaty face, giving him a look that was a mix between terrified and incredulous, "Just for a minute. You can put it back on before we go back out, I swear."
She seemed to hesitate but eventually caved, nodding weakly and tugging the zipper down. She was too worn out to pull it off herself but Kellin did it for her, resuming the comforting movements on the back of her camisole between her all-too-visible shoulder blades. As she hunched over the bowl Kellin looked down a bit, for her own dignity's sake, and noticed he was able to count every plate in her spine, from the back of her neck to her leggings. Kellin's own stomach twisted but he'd held back hair for his wife more times than he liked throughout these past weeks, not to mention the days of burping a baby and plenty of drunken nights with his friends, so he was long past being squeamish.
Jesse returned just as Rowan rocked back a bit, accidentally falling back into Kellin's chest, and offered her the glass of iced water gently. She gazed up at him blearily and accepted the gesture with shaky hands, taking a long time to even get the glass steadily to her lips and even longer to successfully swallow any liquid.
"Thank you." She mumbled around the glass, still moving slowly. Jesse grinned, though Kellin could see it didn't reach his eyes, and nodded.
"Well I'm gonna be your Awesome Uncle Jesse anyway, I decided now would be a good time to start." Jesse replied with as shrug.
Either she was too tired to take in his words or she didn't register the familial term because she didn't acknowledge it in particular Kellin noticed. "Cool." was all she told him, trying to give him a half hearted smile in return. She set the glass onto the floor beside her carefully and, in doing so, Kellin felt every nob in her spine move against his side where she leant. It was odd to Kellin in a way to realize that this was now 'normal' to him. As he looked down he found Rowan's eyes to be fluttering closed a bit, she was obviously drained from her long day. How had she even lived this long? How had she even survived without anyone to care for her? She now had two foster parents and a handful of surrogate 'uncles' watching her every move and Kellin still worried for her safety on a regular basis. Speaking of her 'family', Kellin's eyes flickered up to Jesse to see his bandmate studying Rowan with pity clear in his expression. So that was what lay behind his false smile earlier, his shock at seeing Rowan's marred skin for the first time. Kellin suddenly realized that seeing these marks was still new to others, still surprising, and that it would be this way every time she met new people.
"Rowan?" Kellin cooed softly, brushing away the hair that clung to her skin with the glue of sweat.
"Hmm." She hummed, clearly only on the edges of consciousness.
Kellin chuckled softly, "Well I'm glad to see you'll sleep well tonight but there's something we gotta do before you go to sleep."
"I'll bathe tomorrow morning." She murmured, rolling onto her sharp hipbone so that her face was buried into his shirt.
"Ro--" He was trying not to laugh too hard, "Rowan, c'mon. I promise you can sleep soon but you gotta come talk with me and the guys first."
She reached one hand up to rub her eyes tiredly, "Whuh?"
"C'mon." Kellin let her curl into his side, standing slowly and gripping her against his side. It was like she was a four year old in this sleepy state, she didn't even hesitate before wrapping her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck, burying her face into his tattooed collarbone. Kellin chuckled to himself again, rubbing her back before realizing she had too little clothing on for her own comfort. "Jess, man, can you toss me her hoodie?"
Jesse nodded, scooping up the clothing and laying it over her shoulder, shielding her from prying eyes. He stepped out of the bathroom to allow Kelllin past before slipping back in, flushing the toilet, and grabbing up her water. As Kellin walked further into the hall Jesse followed, speaking quietly. "You're really good with her."
Kellin looked up at him in surprise, he hadn't really thought about it that way. He just always did what felt right. "Thanks, man." He said, grinning up at his band mate. They reached the door to the living room but Kellin hung back, "I'm sorry to ask but can you duck in there and ask them to quiet down?"
Jesse nodded, stepping inside and hissing words Kellin couldn't hear through the wood separating them. He poked his head back out before swinging the door wide and allowing him through. The room was quiet and all eyes were on Kellin and the child in his arms as they entered, Jesse shutting the door behind them. Kellin noted that Katelynne wasn't there. As if reading his mind Jesse spoke softly, "Kate's putting Cope to bed."
"Right." Kellin replied quietly, as he spoke he felt Rowan shift a bit, her eyelashes brushing against his collarbone with the slightest tingle. He went back to his seat on the couch, situating Rowan so that she was still curled into his chest but her feet were less awkwardly placed. "Rowan, you've gotta wake up a little." He sighed as she simply turned a little and hummed, he didn't want to wake her any more than she wanted to be woken but there was a tight deadline here. "Ro, kid, this is important."
She finally began to rouse a bit, pulling back only slightly to look up at him, once again rubbing her eyes sleepily. "Hmm?"
Kellin could feel the others' eyes on them as he rubbed her bony back, "We all need to talk about something pretty important. Can you wake up a little for me?" She laid against his chest again but he could tell she was more awake this time, it made her a bit more distant in her level of comfort, "Thanks kiddo."
She nodded, running her tiny, ever-chilled hands over her face, "Whuh... What's up?"
"Ro, you know how I told you I was pissed off at Management and Rise Records earlier?" He asked her hesitantly, not sure how exactly to word it. She nodded again, "Well there's a reason..."
Rowan must have rolled her eyes, sarcasm dripping into her every word. "No really."
"Oooh! Somebody's got an attitude!" Justin chuckled appreciatively, earning a small giggle from the child in Kellin's lap.
"Right, anyway..." Kellin shot Justin a glare over Rowan's head to which he simply shrugged, "Rowan I need your honest, unfiltered opinion on this." She sat up a little more, locking eyes with him, her stature suddenly much more attentive. "They... They want me to go on tour. All of us, Sleeping With Sirens I mean." She looked dazed for a minute before it started to settle in, then she began to draw away from him. It stung. She was now seated between Kellin and Jesse on the couch, her shiny, deep blue orbs still locked with his. "I'm sorry. I know it's been crazy these past couple days, trust me I didn't want this. You- You have some options here though. And keep in mind we aren't going through with anything your doctors don't approve of, okay?" She nodded, just the slightest bob of her head, "So... You can stay here..." Her eyes flickered with something Kellin couldn't quite distinguish, "Kate's parents'll move back into the spare room until I get home, so you'd be with them too. Or you can choose to..." Kellin choked up a bit, not really able to spit the words out. He saw the confusion on her face and knew he had to help her understand, "...to move away from us altogether, into a separate foster home..." He breathed out, looking away from her on the whole, not wanting to know if she was debating that option or not. "Or you could go into the hospital, go through your healing inpatient but come back to us after you're released. Or..." This one was the hardest to say simply because he was terrified she'd shoot it down right away. He took a deep breath and looked up at her again only to find she was further still from him, inching ever closer to Jesse, who seemed just as surprised as Rowan herself did. "Or you could come... with us... on tour."
The room was as quiet as a cemetery, not even breathing could be heard. They were all frozen, waiting for her to make this choice. Rowan's wide eyes were on her lap, her hoodie pulled loosely around her shoulders and her maroon legs drawn close to her chest. She was almost close enough to Jesse to lean against him before she stopped moving and looked up.
Katelynne came in quietly, seeming to asses the tense atmosphere before coming to sit on Kellin's far side, taking his hand in hers. He didn't notice until his wife squeezed his hand that he was shaking all over, scared and nervous and worried and upset on the whole.
"I-- I don't want anyone to be a- angry." Rowan muttered, her eyes seeming to be glued wide open but now boring holes into her jutting knees.
"No one will be angry, sweetheart," Jack cut in, saving Kellin from having to fight to speak through his anxiety, "what matters is that you choose what you will be happiest with."
"Then... I guess, uh, well what is a tour exactly?" She asked hesitantly, her eye line switching around the room.
Gabe cleared his throat, "Well every one is different but this one in particular is called Warped Tour. This is their twentieth year. Anyway, it'll be a ton of bands, all in varying degrees of success, touring together. We'll start in Washington and go through here, California, again before we head South and then East. It basically goes over most of the US. We drive, stop, play a show, pack up, drive off, and repeat. It's pretty simple but it can be rough too. There's a lot of unpredictability and it's nothing if not inconsistent, but... It's also one of the best experiences of your life. Plus a ton of our friends are going along with their bands so it'll never be boring."
Rowan watched Gabe as he talked in that eerily still way she does, clearly making him shift a bit uncomfortably in his seat, but as he stopped speaking her eyes finally left his and flicked to Kellin again. "Would the clinic even let me go?"
Kellin's heart picked up in pace, was she really considering it? "We have a meeting with them tomorrow morning to discuss whatever you choose."
Rowan nodded, reaching her arms up to tug her hoodie around herself a bit more, unintentionally flashing the word 'devil', which was singed into the skin on the side of her forearm, on her wrist, just inches below her pinkie. Kellin caught Jack, who was nearest, gaping at it but before Rowan even saw his reaction he straightened himself out. "Swear no one will be mad...?" She began again, her expression a mix of pleading and hopeful.
"Swear." Kellin confirmed, finding his voice for the first time since he'd laid out her choices.
She nodded once, firmly, and turned to lock eyes with Katelynne briefly before sliding her attention to her foster father. "Would it be okay if I... tired it out? Touring? I- I'd like to go, please, if that's okay with Katelynne."
Kate's eyes watered but before Rowan even had time to backpedal, Katelynne spoke up, "I'd be proud to have you go with them. You're just... so sweet is all." She shrugged, sniffling and trying to smile through it. Rowan and Kellin both knew that the overbearing emotional state was a side effect of the Ativan she'd been taking, so neither said a word.
"You're gonna have fun, kid." Justin offered, grinning wide at her. She peeked up from her knees again to smile back.
'If I even get to go.' She thought to herself, but didn't say it. She gazed up at Kellin a moment, "Was that all?"
Kellin blinked, "Uh, yeah?"
"Cool." Rowan then leaned her head back onto the couch and let her heavy lids fall shut. The guys chuckled, thinking she was teasing, but before they could even return to conversation she'd legitimately fallen asleep. She relaxed when asleep, her features becoming more innocent and pure, something Kellin treasured. He was happy to know that behind the scars and the fear and the hurt she was still just a scared little girl. She rolled her head to the side a bit, accidentally letting her forehead lay to rest on Jesse's bicep. Jesse's mouth fell open a bit, shooting a panicked look to Kellin.
"She'll be fine. Here." Kellin stood, giving Kate's hand a light squeeze before releasing it, and coming to stand in front of Rowan. He stooped down, picking up her frighteningly light seventy-six pounds and one ounce with ease and feeling her subconsciously latch herself around him again. "Be back."
He carried Rowan and her hoodie down the hall to her room, stopping by the laundry room and pulling his once favorite, now worn out Anthem Made shirt that had been passed to her. As they reached the bed Kellin knelt down before it, sitting her on the edge. She woke enough to hold herself upright as he pulled her camisole over her head and replaced it with the Anthem shirt, she played with the fraying hem while he tugged off her leggings. He looked up and saw her rubbing her eyes again, now making her look a bit like a raccoon. He chuckled and guided her to lay back, tuck her in, and rush into her attached bathroom. He re-dampened the towel he'd left to dry that morning, it already having blood stains now, and taking it to her. She was essentially asleep at this point so he just gently washed the make up off for her as best he could. He'd once had the guys of Black Veil Brides do his make up at a party when he was drunk off his ass but that was as close as he'd ever been to wearing or removing make-up. He did his best but settled for what he thought looked fine and dropped the towel into the sink once more. As he flicked off the light to her bathroom and turned to face his sleeping child again he was caught yet again by how openly kind she looked in her sleep, all of her walls dropped. He crossed the room as quietly as he could, dropping himself to sit beside her sleeping form. "Goodnight, beautiful."
She hummed, turning toward his voice in her sleep, but remained unconscious. He sighed happily, finally letting it sink in that he might possibly have her with him this tour. Katelynne and the guys were right, she made him better, and he owed her so much. He left a featherlight kiss on her forehead before leaving the room, switching off her light before turning away.
"Rowan..." She shifted, not ready to wake, trying to bury her face further into the blankets. "Rowan." She tried to push the offender away but only received a laugh in response, "C'mon, kid. Big day. Let's go."
She gave in, forcing her eyes open to see Kellin standing above her, one hand outstretched. "Hmph." She pulled the sheet over her head but Kellin simply tugged it back down.
"I'll carry you in there if I have to." He told her with a smirk.
She threw her hands over her eyes, cracking her fingers a bit and peeking up through, her own smirk forming. "Okay."
"Great, so let's go." Before he could turn away Rowan stood up on the bed, running to catch him. She jumped from the end of the bed, latching on his back and giggling. "Wha--?! RO!!" He groaned, trying to catch his breath, not able to keep himself from grinning. "Oh, fine. If it'll get you out of here faster."
She grinned but bit it back, burying her face into the back of his right shoulder, her legs wrapped around his stomach and his hands gripping her thighs from the side to support her. As they entered the kitchen they found Katelynne, without a wig but instead adorning a beanie, feeding Copeland the food she really didn't want to eat, making funny faces and noises to keep her interested. Rowan giggled again, her face still mostly hidden behind Kellin. Kellin squeezed her leg a bit as he laughed too. He backed up to the bar, setting her on a stool and walking forward to leave her there. He picked up two pre-made plates and set one before himself before sitting beside her. Rowan grimaced seeing what was prepared, scrambled eggs and bacon with a slice of buttered toast. She mentally calculated how many calories lay before her and cringed at the thought. She felt Kellin's eyes on her and remembered what today would decide, therefore she forced herself to pluck up the fork and stab it into a bit of eggs. She swallowed hard, forcing down one bite after another, all in hopes of getting her desired answer from her doctors. She got through seven bites of eggs, one slice of bacon, and three bites of the toast's unbuttered crust. She sighed, looking up to Kellin. He didn't look angry or disappointed. He looked proud.
"Good job, Ro." He ruffled her hair and finished his second slice of toast, having devoured most of his meal in the time it took Rowan to even gain the courage to eat. "Kate's gonna help you get ready."
Rowan nodded, carrying her plate to the sink before following Katelynne down the hall.
Rowan gnawed on her nails, having managed to chip every bit of her once perfect black polish. Katelynne pulled open the door to the backseat, letting Rowan step out slowly, before pushing it shut in her wake. Rowan stood on the pavement, waiting for Katelynne and Kellin to come around to her. She already felt like something was missing, having gone with the Quinn's to drop Copeland off at her grandparents' house for the day, only now realizing how attached she'd become to her sister. Kellin came up beside her, locking the car over his shoulder and taking her right hand, Katelynne mimicking him on Rowan's left side. Together they all but marched into the office doors Rowan had only just escaped the morning before. Rowan zoned out, letting Kellin and Katelynne speak at the counter, busy looking down at what she'd worn for the meeting. She couldn't deny she was terrified and was desperate for any form of comfort. She'd therefore chosen to put back on the Anthem Made shirt after her bath, adding her freshly cleaned charcoal tights and her boots. Of course she added her grey skater hoodie for more coverage, also secretly swiping a bit of the cover-up she'd borrowed on the cut on her wrist. Sure it'd stung like hell going on but she was determined to get the answer she wanted today. Before she even realized it she was being pulled along down the hall into the dreaded room. At least this time she was accompanied by her foster parents, though it was still two against them thanks to the addition of Ms. Greene, Rowan's social worker. Rowan's hands were still occupied by Kel and Kate, for which she was grateful, knowing she'd be scratching her wounds if they weren't, which wouldn't much help her case. She leaned to her right, letting the adults talk dates and numbers and such, focusing solely on the pattern on Kellin's jeans pocket. It seemed to be a part of the brand, the miniature skull surrounded by roses was entirely entertaining. Before she liked, though, Rowan was dragged into the conversation.
"Right, Ro?" Kellin said. She hadn't been listening to his words, too entranced by his pocket and the feeling of his voice reverberating through his chest and against her ear.
"Uh..." She mumbled, looking around as if she'd find cue-cards in the corner.
"Rowan, Mr. Quinn was just telling us that you've spoken outwardly about your desire to get better." Ms. Greene cut in.
"Yes ma'am. I- I really do want to get better." Rowan muttered, her cheeks flaming but she was unable to press her hands against them. She looked bashfully up at her foster mother to find Katelynne smiling kindly down at her.
"Great." Ms. Greene was a kind, matronly woman. She was like a sort of grandmother. Her face was wrinkled and soft, reminding Rowan of a dried peach, topped with a tuft of frothy white hair. Contrary to what you might assume based on her name, this is not a Dr. Seuss book, therefore no, she doesn't only wear the color green. Today she donned an older looking pantsuit in a creme color, the undershirt being a button up made with a crisp pink shirt. Mrs. Bricker was wearing a button up soft yellow shirt tucked into a brown tweed pencil skirt, her hair slicked back in a pristine bun. "Rowan, I'd like to speak with you in private, if that would be alright with you Mr. and Mrs. Quinn?"
Ms. Greene's question was directed at Kellin and Katelynne but, like the amazing parents they were proving themselves to be, they turned to their child. "Rowan?" Kellin asked in confirmation. Rowan nodded, reluctantly letting go of their hands as they stepped from the room with promises of returning as soon as they were needed.
Rowan suddenly felt hot all over, downright scared as she sat in the hot seat.
"Rowan Elizabeth," Ms. Greene began, shocking Rowan with the use of her despised middle name, "we need to hear from you, with no pressures from outside forces, what you want concerning the upcoming change in living situation."
"Uh..." Rowan was careful not to say the wrong thing, triple thinking her words before speaking them, "I like living the Quinn's. I-- I love them." And as she said it she realized how true her words were, but that also petrified her, "But I'd also really like to try this, the touring. I understand now that it's a big part of Kellin's career and I know that this won't be the last time it's brought up as I continue to live with them so... Why not now? I really want this. Please."
Mrs. Bricker and Ms. Greene shared a look before Mrs. Bricker spoke, "Rowan, would you please bring the Quinn's in again?"
She nodded, shooting up from her chair as if she'd been electrocuted, running to the door. She raced down the hall, reaching the waiting area, out of breath, to see Kellin rubbing Kate's back in a comforting way. She paused before clearing her throat, making them look up at her with a smile.
"Are we to leave?" Kellin asked.
Rowan shook her head, "They want you back." Kellin nodded, guiding Katelynne to stand and following Rowan back down the hall at a much slower pace.
"That was fast." Katelynne commented, but Rowan just shrugged, not really sure how to explain her brief begging and the following curt response.
"Thank you," Ms. Greene said, opening the door and ushering them in, "There's just one more thing we need to discuss before any decision is finalized."
Kellin nodded, stepping into the room, "Sure. What's next then."
Ms. Greene paused, turning to Rowan as the family entered, "Rowan, We're going to have another discussion but this one's for adults." Rowan nearly scoffed, she knew she'd seen more in her thirteen years than most adults on their deathbed ever had, but resisted, wanting more than anything to be allowed her wish today, nodding instead. "There's a room just across the hall marked four, head on in there please and we'll let you know when you're needed."
Rowan's wide eyes flashed to Kellin for a split second before she bobbed her head once more and turned from the room. As soon as she was gone and Kellin and Katelynne took their seats on the couch, the door was shut, surprising Kellin. "Don't you need to check that she's okay?"
"We are." Mrs. Bricker replied, picking up the remote on the coffee table and switching on the television to Kellin's right. It showed a small room with blue walls painted with clouds and green linoleum flooring that was designed to feel as if you were standing outside in an idillic world. Rowan's small body entered the screen slowly, grimacing at the cheery decorations, and took a seat in a red chair. It was one of the small, plastic chairs of bright, primary colors that littered the edges of the room as the middle was highly populated with loose toys and a number of board game boxes. Rowan's face was hidden from the camera but as Kellin watched he noticed her shoulders shifting from one side to another quickly, indicating she was looking around herself fervently. His heart ached, he wanted to be there with her, and his stomach twisted, he felt like he was invading her privacy in a way he never had before even when sitting in the room while she changed. This was different. It felt wrong. He tore his eyes away from the screen roughly, determined to respect Rowan even if she had no idea others weren't doing the same. "So..."
Kellin's eyes finally had something else to focus on, for which he was grateful, but as he turned his attention to Mrs. Bricker he found her gaze to still be on the security footage.He cleared his throat loudly, drawing her gaze to him, "Yes...?"
Silence stretched until Ms. Greene stepped into the conversation, "You know how we discussed Rowan's need for medication concerning her depression, emaciation, obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety, and mild attention deficit disorder..." Kellin nodded, he'd known, but his mouth fell open just a bit in surprise nevertheless, "Well we also understand she's still in the beginning stages of overcoming her anorexia and bulimia nervosa and still having issues keeping food down." Kellin's eyes unintentionally flicked to the screen to find Rowan tracing patterns idly on the knees of her tights, "The difficulty of having her away from the hospital where we could place her on a nutrition and medication IV drip is finding a productive way to put her on the medication she needs. We have a proposal."
Kellin gulped, glanced over to find Katelynne staring down at the tissue she wrapped around her fingers in absentminded nervousness. He nodded for the woman to go on, knowing that these issues wouldn't disappear just because he wanted them to for his foster daughter's sake.
"Right, so we approve of Rowan accompanying your band on his tour with the proper adjustments made, which we can talk about at a later date, in order for her to be able to go. Starting today Rowan's every bite of food will indicate how we further her treatment." Ms. Greene continued carefully, "Based on her ability, or lack thereof, to keep down food will let us know whether or not she'll have to be put on injections."
Kellin's jaw dropped, shots?! His mind flashed back to watching the nurse jab a needle into Rowan's stick-skinny arm repeatedly to find her vein. His heart pounded in his chest, he wasn't sure how he was supposed to go about this. His head spun as his gaze slid to the screen once again to find Rowan playing with a Jacob's Ladder toy in a bored manner. He could not imagine himself aiming sharp metal at that little girl, no matter how much good it would do her. He almost screamed out, how much torture could one child be put through?! What this some cosmic joke?! His head whipped round too face the doctor and social worker again, "What do we have to do to make sure that never happens?"
Notes
Shoutouts:
bandsaremylife
Cindii 182
Cliffhanger. Sorta. Sorry. But I seriously love all of you that take the time out of your day to spend on my story. Thank you. 2.4k READS ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THIS HAS TO BE A JOKE!!! You guys gave me the best Christmas present ever! WHAT THE HELL!! Thank you.
Plans already for the next several chapters, some of them are really exciting to me! I hope you're excited too.
Also, I'd like to remind you guys that this is fiction. I'm fabricating my own imaginary dream lineup for their Warped, not like the bands being released for the real one. Okay? If any of you have suggestions of a few bands that aren't well known or just a couple you'd love to see in the story let me know!
I decided, as I said a while back, to leave Jesse in for the time being but his departure will come later. I hope you guys don't mind. It's just that I think it'll be a good plot point for what I'm planning.
Thanks again for reading, voting, and subscribing.
Thank you, and see you soon.
MM
Where in the world is Mati Marie!? :(
2/7/19