Repeating Apologies

Austins POV
When I got back to my apartment Shay was sat on the sofa, staring directly at the door. Waiting for me, impatiently and he was angry. I could see it in his face. "WHERE WERE YOU?" he screamed at me as I walked through the door. I turned around and closed it, thinking of how to put my words together. I decided I was going to tell him, I hated not being told and I wouldn't want that for anyone else. I wouldn't want anyone to have what happened to me happen to them, but I just made it happen. I am just as bad as my ex. Shay deserved to know. I felt like a pile of shit, what kind of person does that to someone?
I picked my head up and turned around. "Sh-Shay, we need to talk" I encouraged myself to walk over to the sofa to sit next to him. He was still angry but he was slightly concerned. "What?" He asked abruptly.
"I-I- I don't know how to say this" I mumbled biting my lip. "I-I was at Alans" I looked into his eyes, they were either going to turn red in anger or in pain. "I just want you to know how much I love you Shay, you're amazing and i'm such an idiot." He searched my eyes "What Austin? What happened?" He pushed. "W-We had sex" I squished my eyes closed and tried not to look at him, I didnt want to see his face. his reaction. I didnt know what it'd do to him. He took a sigh, "I can't believe you Austin, but- I'm not better" I looked up straight away. "What?" I questioned. What did he mean? He's not better? "I- I hooked up with some guy last week" he confessed. Woah, Woah, Woah. "wh-who with?"
"Jax's girlfriends brother." He cheated on me before me. How could he do that to me? ..
Im making it seem like im the good guy here. I cheated aswell. We're just as bad as each other, although it did make it a lot easier to tell him. This didn't go as I thought it would. "Why?" I asked. He took a deep breath. "Yo-You were spending so much time with Alan and I thought you knew I was feeling neglected, I felt pushed away." I gritted my teeth, it made me quite angry, I wasn't neglecting him! was I? "How dare you blame it on me Shay!" He didnt reply. "That was all your doing! I didn't force you to did i?" I stood up running my fingers through my hair grabbing small strands. He stood up and followed me into the bedroom. "Dont act like you're fucking innocent Austin! You cheated too!" I dropped my head in shame. "What do we do now?" I asked straight away. I heard him walk up behind me, he placed a hand on my shoulder and turned me around, he then put his hand on my neck and pulled me down to kiss him. He locked his lips with mine abruptly. Now what was he doing? I kissed back, but Shay, Shay was really putting something into this kiss. His tongue trailed across my bottom lip and his tongue soon entered my mouth. It wasn't often that we would kiss like this, normally only when we really want it. I guess he wanted make-up sex? We hadn't even broken up.
Maybe its a test to see who he wants most? Me or the other guy. What about me?
I love Shay, but Alan. Alan.
Just his name sends shivers down my spine, Shay smirked at them thinking he had caused them. He had no idea.
----------
Shay got up and stormed into the bathroom naked. "Shay, wait! I'm sorry!" I shouted to him. "I didn't mean to!" I carried on. I sighed, that was a mistake. I slid some boxer shorts on and walked to the door, I rested my head on the hard wooden door that had been slammed shut. "Shay, I'm sorry" There was no reply. "Shay please. I didn't mean to, it doesn't mean anything" and with that the door opened in viscous swing. A red faced Shay stood at the door. "I can't believe you Austin! That was supposed to be us making up with each other but no! You can't even fucking doing that without him involved!" I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked him in the eyes, trying to find some sort of calm, level headed Shay. "It just slipped out, please. I'm sorry, it wont happen again" He walked past me. "You can sleep on the couch tonight" that was the last thing I heard that night.
The sofa isn't the most comfortable to sleep on, especially when you're used to a king sized bed with a memory foam mattress. I buried my head in my arms and tried to block out the street lamp light that was shining through the window. I took a deep breath. I cant believe myself. And I bet you're wondering what it is that I did. I- I shouted Alan at climax instead of Shay. I know, it was wrong and stupid but it just slipped out.
To be honest, I don't know how I managed to have sex 3 times today. I mean twice with Alan and then once with Shay. My thoughts were interupted by a body lying on the top of mine, I felt Shays arms wrap around me as his head fell next to mine. "The beds cold" he sniffled. He had been crying which made me feel worse. I turned my head to the side so I could see him out the corner of my eye. "I'm sorry baby" He took a deep breath before getting off me. I turned to look at him, he was standing with his hand held out for me to take it, so I did.
We slept in the same bed, cuddling like we used to but it just didnt feel like it used to, something was missing.
----------
Before we left the apartment to go to the studio Shay laid down some 'rules' He was serious about them, and if I wanted to keep him i'd have to abide.
"No going off alone with Alan, don't stare too long and try to keep the conversations short, don't do it for me, do it for the band. It's better this way babe." I nodded my head and swallowed the nervous lump in my throat. How? How could I do any of that? It was going to kill me inside.
----------
Alan POV
I didnt know what to expect when I walked into the building where band practise was. Did he tell Shay or was he keeping it a secret? How would I act around Austin if he did keep it a secret? Hell, how was I supposed to act around both of them if Shay knew.
I opened the door slowly and walked in, looking around, there was no one. I was the first one there I guess. I checked my watch, I was only five minutes early. I sat on the sofa waiting and then I heard song clanging of metal. It came from the kitchen, it was followed by giggling. Shay's giggling. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to think of something else because the only thing I could think of for this situation was him and Austin. I didn't want that picture in my head, I really didn't. He had just slept with twice yesterday and now hes already at it, I mean, whats to say he didnt do it again last night? How would he manage that? Yeah hes like a sex god but, three times in one day and then one the next day? Thats a lot in my eyes, he must be sore as heck.
I opened my eyes and took yet another deep breath and saw Shay's head pop around the corner, I didn't know how to look at him. I didn't know if he knew! He kind of gave me an evil look and then his head disappeared. I dont know what he was up to, why was I still sitting here? I dont want to hear this! I quietly got up and walked into the bathroom, it was quieter in there but I would still be able to faintly hear them. Not good.
I heard Austin shout Shays name out and Shay shout Austins name. I internally shouted things so I couldnt listen, I looked to the window, it seemed big enough to get through. My guitar was still in the main room but I didnt want to just sit here where i could hear them. I opened the window up and yeah I could fit through. I moved the bin over and stood on top of it, then I thought. This is just like at christian camp where I escaped for Austin. Apart from this time, Im escaping from him.. kind of. Before I slipped out the window I heard Austin say something, it sounded forced because it was so loud. "So much better than Alan"
Ouch.
Was I bad or was Shay just like, really good? Or was he just saying that to make Shay happy? Ah, I dont know anymore. I dropped out of the window and walked away. Where was I supposed to go? Band practise was supposed to start in like three minutes but they were too busy in there fucking and I had no idea where Tino and Phil were. I picked up my phone and sat on the nearest bench and called Phil. After three rings he picked up "Whats up?" he asked. "Where are you?" I straight away psuhed. "Five minutes away, dude whats up?"
"I just heard some stuff I didn't want to hear."
"Like..?"
"Shay and Austin fucking and climaxing in the studio"
"O- h. For god sake, do they ever give it a re-- I- I mean, how're you coping dude?"
"Its killing me, not gonna lie."
"Yeah I guess it would do, look, i'll try hurry up, but theres only so fast I can drive in a speed limited area"
"Its cool bro, dont do anything stupid"
"You too kid"
I hung up the phone and waited quietly. Ah, its going to be so awkward when I go back in. Soon enough, Phil arrived and Tino was in the car too, I guess he picked him up on the way, thank god they were here. Being left alone with my thoughts is never good.
"Lets go" Tino shouted to me, I guess Phil had filled him in on our conversation. We walked through the door, I took a deep breath as Tino slammed the door to make sure they knew we were here and with that, they walked out of the room linked together. Shay was walking in front and Austin behind wrapping his arms around Shay. He was whispering things into his ear, Shay looked at me and smirked. "Please tell me it wasnt around the food" Phil blurted. The two laughed and shook their heads. "Dont worry about that" Shay replied cheekily. Gross.
"How about we actually get on with some music then?" Tino suggested, we all agreed and picked up our instruments, tuning them to what we needed. Austin didn't have an instrument to tune because he doesnt actually play one in the band so instead he just sat on the sofa. I noticed in the corner of my eye Austin staring at me in what seemed to be hope mixed with regret. Regret for what? Sleeping with me or Shay, why was he so confusing. I shook it off and concentrated on my guitar but then I saw Shay flash Austin an evil look in my other eye. I'm trying to ignore the two not keep my full focus on them. I went back to my guitar and finally finished it. I started to strum a tune whilst waiting for the others, it was something I had come up with, no lyrics as per but it was a tune, i liked it. The guys stopped and listened, although I didnt notice I was too busy in my own world, and then Austin said something "What is that?" He asked. I carried on with it trying not to notice but I saw they were all waiting for an answer so I stopped. "Just something I was writing" i confessed. The guys smiled. "Any lyrics?" he asked again, he was smiling lovingly at me with hopeful eyes, like he was proud of me and then I saw Shay shoot that look again and immediatly Austins face dropped and he looked away from me. "Uh, no, not yet" I smiled weakly and waited for someone to say something. "Its awesome" Phil piped up, before anything else could be said Shay decided we was going to play They Don't Call It The South For Nothing and we did.
We played a couple more songs, they were really sounding good lately. At the end of practise we decided to go to the pub, we hadnt done something all together lately apart from band practise. Austin drove us all their in his car, he would be the designated driver because he doesnt drink so it was a smarter idea to leave Phils car at the 'studio'. Phil got the drinks in and we all sat a booth talking, I felt bad for Austin because he was surrounded by people drinking alcohol. I know he always says hes fine with it but I couldnt help but notice the way he was looking at Shay, like he was disapointed. I decided after that, that I wouldnt have anymore alcohol, i'll be sober with him. When Phil went to get another round I shook my head and just asked for a coke. The guys furrowed their eyebrows at me but I just smiled awkwardly. Austin blushed and smiled at me, he knew I was doing it for him, he always knew.
As time went on they were all getting way too drunk, at this point they werent even sat at the table, they were socializing with randomers. Me and Austin sat at the table talking about literally anything and everything. Shay wasnt around and was able to kill Austin with his stares.
"I'll help you write some lyrics for that song if you like" He suggested. I smiled and nodded my head, "Well you know im not very good at it so.." i laughed and he joined in. "I don't know how you'll manage to even help me with it, you seem to be on ball and chain right now"
"..Yeah, h-he wasnt too happy, but it turns out he cheated too"
I nearly spat my drink out in shock, "what?!"
He took a sip of his drink, "Yeah, Jax's girlfriends brother.."
"Doesnt that make you even then? like, how are you still getting so much crap"
"Well- I- I uh"
"What Austin?" I pushed
"I may of said your name instead of his last night."
What the actual fuck.
"Oh my god Austin" I blushed, i'm not sure whether its a good thing or not, he was thinking of me whilst being with Shay?
"Don't blush at it, I got into serious shit for it" he laughed to himself.
"I'm sorry, but, you were thinking of me whilst with him. I must be amazing" I proclaimed sarcastically. He laughed it off and nodded his head "You are" he said quietly, thinking I wouldnt hear him. I looked at him in his beautiful eyes and smiled, lovingly I guess. He smiled back at me, moving part of my hair out of my face and looking me in the eyes "Alan i'm sorry about this mor-"
"Don't" I gulped. Way to ruin a moment Austin. GOOD JOB GENIUS. "Whats to apologize for, i mean, he is your boyfriend afterall" I confessed sadly. He was about to start some kind of sentence but I stopped him before he could "You're making it really difficult for me.. getting over you. I've tried. So much, and then last night, it just made it worse. What do you want Austin? You can't keep bouncing between both of us and I dont want to be someones side bitch, i don't. Its not fair on me or Shay. Just- figure out what it is you want" He sat, staring at me, indesicive and worried. I just- I can't keep going on like this, its a constant war in my head. When i'm with him its okay but when we're apart its wrong and stupid. He cupped his head in his hands, resting his elbows on the table and took a deep sigh. "I-I want you Alan, I really do! But i can't just do that to Shay"
"Just make your mind up, clearly Shay is better than me anyways" I sassed back
"What are you talking about?"
"I heard you earlier, 'So much better than Alan'"
His face turned red and he sighed "He-He made me promise to say it, everytime"
I clenched my jaw. my face was red. It was annoying, Shay was forcing him to do things, Shay was evil I swear but Austin wasn't seeing it. I stood up and before leaving the table I said "Whatever Austin"

Notes

I've got a lot to upload, hold on 8)