My Understandings

Austin was perfect. In every-way. It had been a month and I have been clean for a month thanks to him. He stopped me hating myself as much. My life was kind of perfect.
I got my nose pierced (to my parents disapproval) and a couple of tattoos (to my parents even bigger disapproval)
One of the perks of having Austin around was that he was classed as an adult so I could get these tattoos even if they asked for parent/guardian permission, because we would just say hes my guardian.
My scars were healing and starting to fade, i'd be more brave with what I wore, I didn't need to constantly hide my arms or legs.
Some people on Tumblr had asked me if me and Austin are official, like if he's actually asked me to be his boyfriend but I hadn't thought about it like that. But now they brought it up, I couldn't get it out of my mind.
"Has he asked you yet?" anon asked. I replied. "no ;c" I didnt want to say that damn I really wish he would because he'd see it. I know he'd be able to see what they were asking, because they were asking the same to him. I was hoping that he was going to ask or that he was at least getting the message that everyone wants him to ask me.
They had been calling me the 'girl' in the relationship or the 'bottom' if you'd like. I hadn't actually done anything like that with him though. Because i don't know if i'm ready or not. Like, I want to but the thought of him seeing me naked and then the thought of the dingaling and the doodle. People have always told me the first time kills but then it gets better and then it's worth it. The first time was putting me off. The awkwardness and the pain. I didn't want to go through it. I just wanted to skip to the nice part.
I was meeting Austin after school today so thats what I had to look forward to.
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The day was slow, Finlay had threatened to beat me up more than once which was no surprise. He did try to get me after school but Austin was already on his way walking over to me.
"So, how about vanishing kiddo" he said with a deep voice as he stood behind Finlay.
No joke, Finlay looked like he actually poo'd himself. It was hilarious. Finlay darted off as quick as he could. I walked with Austin back to his Jeep.
"You still haven't told me the reason people look at you like that" I questioned. I really wanted to know, its been bugging me.
"Alright, I'll tell you that, and you tell me something. Like before?"
I nodded my head "Thats fair"
We sat in his Jeep and before he started the engine up I thought i'd come out and say my confession, to get him to say his. It seemed really random because I just blurted it out. Like word vomit.
"I'm scared for my first time" I squinted. Austin looked at me in shock but then just smiled.
"Its okay. That's normal. Everybody is" It was kind of reassuring and good to know i'm not the only one. "I'll just make sure I make it as comforting as possible" he joked.
I pretended to put on a shock/disgusted face. "And who said you'd be doing it Mr Carlile" I stook my tongue out at him. He leaned in and put his lips next to my ear which sent a shiver down my spine. "Because you're crazy about me" He pulled his head back and winked at me. Hot damn. I blushed hard and tried to hide my face. "Auuusttinnn" I complained.
He laughed to himself "Yeah, thats what you'll be calling out"
I threw him a stoic look to which he just laughed at more. He placed his hand on my knee and squeezed it gently. "Everything will be okay Alan"
I nodded my head slowly. "Your turn anyway. For the confession"
He raised his head in agreement and rubbed his jaw with his hand as he turned the key in the car and set off.
"So, a while ago, you'd be like a freshman or something, I don't know how you haven't heard it to be honest. A while ago, I was in this relationship with a guy called Travis. He was about your size actually. Anyway, I went to surprise him one day with the whole 'cliche bundle' and when I got to his house, he answered the door but he was pretty much stark naked and just covering himself up with a towel. I was confused and he looked scared. I heard someone shout from inside his house and thats when I lost it. I lost my temper and I kind of exploded. I dropped everything at that doorway, pushed Travis aside when he tried to stop me getting into his house, I pushed him straight into the door and I heard the noise of him and the door hitting each other. It was a big thud. I stormed through his house, destroying everything in my path, the guy he was with walked out of the room with only a pair of boxers on and when he saw me he recognized me to be Travis' boyfriend. He tried to run, he tried to open the window, he nearly made it actually. But I pulled him back in by his ankle and well.. uh.."
I didnt say a word this was shocking.
"Well, I uh, broke a couple of his ribs and his cheekbone. Travis tried to pull me off of him but in the anger I just turned around and whacked him in the face, pretty hard. As- As soon as I realized what I had done I ran out of the house, I just kept running.
The next couple of days I was heartbroken, in pain. I didn't know what I was doing. Everyone that tried to get close to me or comfort me i'd either hurt them physically or mentally. I started to drink which just made matters worse. Everyone that came near me, i'd literally hit them and tell them to back the fuck up. They didn't understand that I needed my space. I know they were trying to help but at that point I had lost the plot. Jaxin took so many punches from me, he even hit me back a couple of times. He's the only one that stuck around."
He took a long breath. "Everyone hated and despised me, I had Jaxin and that was it. My mom wasn't there for me, my father lost the plot when my mom died so I didn't really have him around. I didn't want to be that person. I didn't want to be in this town or see the same faces that burnt me with every glare. I would get into so many fights in bars to the point where i'd be bard. I'm still bard from some these days. I couldn't seem to do anything without drinking. I was put in prison for a while because the amount of violence and disruption I had caused was terrific. As soon as I was out I was sent to Rehab by Jaxin. They help me sort the alcohol problem and the fighting thing. When I had finished there I moved town but still to this day, people can't overlook that bad part of my life."
I still didnt know what to say. What the actual hell. This poor guy, he was in a bad place, he needed help and they still judge him for it.
Austin was still driving, he didnt even look distraught. He was so strong, be able to say all that, still concentrate on the road and keep his cool. I would've broken down right then and there.
I placed my hand on his hand which was resting on the arm rest in-between the two front seat. He looked at me in relief. "So, you're okay with that right?"
I sighed. "The past is in the past. You were in a bad place. We all go to them places sometimes right?" He nodded his head.
"I just wish some people round here thought like that"
"They just don't know you like they should" I smiled. He was a big softy, I didn't understand how he'd even throw a punch at someone. I mean, he had the muscle but by the way he acts I don't think it'd be something he'd do.
He twisted his hand around so his hand was holding mind gently. He lifted my hand up to his face and placed a kiss on it. "Thank you Alan" I smiled at him as he put my hand back down, still holding onto it.
"Have you seen him since?" I asked quietly.
"Who?"
"Travis and the other guy"
"No, not since then. The first thing I'd do is apologize though. I regret it all"
I nodded my head. Austin drove to the place on the cliff, like we went to on our first date. We sat on the car bonnet again, he had his arm wrapped around me and i had my head resting on him. It was perfect.. Even after everything that had been said. It was perfect.
"Have you written any songs?" Austin randomly came out with.
I smiled at him. "I've written a couple, but no lyrics"
"Good Good" I looked up at him in confusion.
"What"
"So, guess what I have in the back of the car for you." I don't like surprises. Like, I really don't.
I shrugged my shoulders. "Why you do this Austin"
He laugehd and kissed my forehead before jumping off the bonnet to get whatever it was from the car. He told me to keep looking straight ahead so i couldn't see what he was doing. But then I turned around and oh my god this guy is the best. He got me the acoustic guitar that i've wanted for ages now. I put my hands over my mouth in shock.
I didn't deserve this, no way.
I jumped off the jeep bonnet and ran straight into his arms. He lifted me off the ground and spun me around to absorb the force that I ran to him at. It was cute. He kissed my neck in mid-hug. "You deserve it kitten" My face was bright red, I was blushing so much. I had butterflies in my stomach. He was the best. "ho-how did you? Why?" I questioned but he just smiled at me, not saying anything in reply.
"Now you've gotta play me something though" he grinned at me as I scoffed at him. "I guess so"
We went to sit near the edge of the cliff as there was nobody else here. Just us. It was starting to get dark but we didn't care. I played him the first son I could think of, it was something i'd worked on for a while because i couldn't find the notes that fitted it for ages. It didnt have a name or any lyrics.
Whilst i played it Austin looked at my hands strumming and my face just getting lost in the sound of the guitar that he had just bought me. It sounded amazing and really suited the song.
Once I finished the song he kissed my cheek. "You got a name for that?" I shook my head.
"Wait, play the start again" An idea obviously popped into his head because his face lit up when he said it. Bless, he was adorable.
I played the song again and when it got to the right bit for him he sang some words.
"I don't mind it, I don't mind it if you're overrated" as soon as he sung that I looked up to him to see he had a massive grin on his face, he signalled for me to carry on so I did.
"or if you're staring at the edge of the world" He nodded his head to the beat and came up with another line. "Keep in mind that i'm a sore eye with blurry vision. But i can see that it has to be you love, that i'm dreaming of." he smiled and carried on. "And if we climb this high, I swear we'll never die" I smiled instantly after hearing that. He's said that to me before. He had literally just use two quotes that he has said and one that I have said and put it into a song.
His voice was perfect, the lyrics were perfect. They fit into the music, damn this guy was talented.
"You're perfect, you know that right?" He smiled at me and at himself and gave a cocky "Well.." he laughed it off and I reached over to kiss him and he did the same.
"You know I'm a month clean right?" I announced.
He nodded his head. "What do you think the guitars for"
oh my god.
HE WAS COUNTING THE DAYS
THIS MAN
I
FUCKING
LOVE
HIM
AND
I
JUST
SAID
A
VULGAR
WORD
I'M
SORRY
Okay, so I don't know if I loved him or not, but I was defiantly falling for him. I don't know what its like to love someone but I was already told that when the day comes, i'd know.
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"So, Jaxin is having a party and you're coming okay?" he ordered with a smile.
"Um" I was really uncomfortable at places like that. I've never even tried alcohol.
"You don't have to drink, you can stick by me all night" his smile grew with hope, i nodded my head to say i'd go. Whether i'd regret it or not. I was going for him.
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That night on tumblr was the same as most nights. Austin uploaded a post about me:
"So proud of my little ginger prince ♥ One month clean. I knew you could do it kitten ♥"
I wasn't overly happy about the whole world knowing but I kinda trusted the people on tumblr, more than reality.

Notes

Okay so i'm going to have to tweak the chapters before because I put Tino in when I actually wanted it to be Jaxin