My Understandings

Its been a week that i've been seeing Austin now, i'm really starting to get comfortable with him and that kinda makes my heart melt. He told me everything about his parents, its hard for him. Im so shocked at how he doesn't have regular breakdowns. He's such a strong person, he even wrote a song about his mother and its so sweet. I feel so selfish. Here I am dwelling on the shit life I have when he has this much wrong with his. Speaking of my life. I still cut. Yes i'm seeing the most perfect guy and he makes me so happy, but I still get that feeling that I have to. That im not good enough for life and I need to punish myself for it. I haven't told him about it, he has started to wonder why I always cover my arms and legs up though. It is kind of weird, its so hot out and i always have long sleeves and jeans on. I don't know if i'm ready to tell him. He still hasn't told me why Jaxin always stops him when he is about to hit someone so. That doesn't really justify me for not telling him thought. I'd have to tell him one day or else he'll just find out. Okay, so I haven't been in relationships before, I haven't even kissed someone so you'd defiantly know i'm a virgin. When I say I haven't kissed anyone that was before Austin because, he did kiss me the other day. I felt awkward but it was fine afterwards and now all I want to do is kiss the life out of him then kiss it back into him. -----3 days ago----- Austin said he was taking me on a date away from this town so we could express ourselves without people judging us and without people we knew around. It was a nice thought. He picked me up in his Jeep at about 7.00pm. I had to make up an excuse to my parents, I said that me and some friends were going to see a film, and I also said it was a new christian one to make them a little happier. I walked outside in a black button up shit, black skinnies and toms, I kinda wanted to look good. When I got into the Jeep, Austin had the same idea as me. He wore a black band shirt with a little logo on, a black suit jacket and jeans and boots. He looked gorgeous. We didn't really talk on the journey, just kind of smiled at each other, and that was okay. "Where are we going?" I asked cautiously. He turned and grinned to me "You'll see" About 10 minutes later we pulled into this car park. He got out the car quickly and just as I was un-doing my seat-belt and reached for the door handle he opened it for me. Oh god hes such a gentleman. I get butterflies in my stomach from just small actions like that. I smiled gratefully at him and got out of the jeep, he closed the door behind me and clicked a button to lock the car. He walked towards me and wrapped one of his arms around my waist and we walked towards the door. I actually wasn't bothered about what we were doing tonight. He was just so romantic. I mean for one thing, he hasn't even tried to kiss me yet which to me is good. But the more I think about it the more it makes me wonder that maybe he doesn't want to kiss me. We got inside and after the maitre d asked for the name he replied with "Cashby" and looked down at me as I giggled. Thats cute. I bet one of his followers came up with that. We were seated nearer to the back of the restaurant in one of the booths. It was private which was nice. He knew i liked privacy. We sat down in the booth and he smiled at me lovingly. "Youre adorable" he blurted out softly. "And you look great in a suit jacket" I replied. Because, well, he did. Once the we had finished the perfect meal we just had our drinks to finish. He looked around the restaurant and then promptly moved himself over to my side of the booth, sitting next to me he put his arm around me and smiled. "You're gorgeous Mr.Ashby" Here come the butterflies and the blushing cheeks. "Yknow, every-time you look at me like that, I get butterflies, and then it just makes me all fuzzy and weird. Why you do this?" He giggled to himself and shrugged his shoulders. "Because you deserve to be happy" I was really starting to blush, I planted my head in the crook of his neck trying to hide my blushing face whilst he chuckled at me. "Austin stop" He kissed the top of my head and whispered the words "you're perfect" before laughing to himself again. He was getting a laugh out of making me blush. I looked up at him. "My face is going to match my hair soon, stop" He laughed at that too which to be honest so did I. Yknow sometimes I really crack myself up and then other times, i can't stand myself. God damn i'm so awkward and i'm way out of my normal place here. I'm way out of Austins league and here he is, going on a date with me. Why? I really liked him but why? I kept jumping to the conclusion that its a joke? maybe? I dont know. I hate being my own worst enemy. What if he wants to do more? Like physical stuff? I've never even been kissed! what am I supposed to do! I don't even know if I know how to kiss! Like who teaches you these things! My leg started to shake and my eyes widened in the realization that I'd have to admit it to him soon. He looked at me with a concerned look. "Whats the problem?" He asked calmly. I started to trip over my own words. "Alan, calm down ok? deep breathes" My breaths were getting shorter and more rapid. Was I really starting to panic over kissing someone?! "Breathe with me here" He started to breath in and out and i followed his actions, I calmed down but kept my scared look. I didn't mean to look like that, its just i'm petrified of kissing him and i dont know why! "Whats up?" I threw my head into his chest. I didn't want him to see my face as I said it. "I've ne-never been with- someone be-before and -i've never ki-kissed anyone" I mumbled into him, He pulled my head away from his chest and gained my eye contact. "Alan, calm down. it's fine" He smiled and placed his hand on my neck, his thumb was stroking my cheek softly to try calm me down and it was working. "I don't care if you have or haven't before. We'll just have to make it extra special" he smiled at me reassuringly. I closed my eyes and let my head sink into his hand. "Why are you so perfect Austin?" I asked quietly. He giggled to himself. "I'm not" He leant in and kissed my forehead. "But you are" I looked up at him, we looked into each others eyes and wow, I got lost in them, I really did. They were a beautiful dark brown colour. Like chocolate buttons. I saw him glance at my lips, he wanted to do it. I could see it. We were thinking the same thing. "I won't if you don't want me to" He admitted. I smiled at him and shook my head. "Its fine" He gave me the biggest smile and slowly leaned in. I had no idea what I was doing so I kinda just kept my head still. His lips touched against mine softly and slowly. The way he kissed me was so nice, it was like loving and gentle. I knew he wouldn't do much because it's my first kiss and he wouldn't push it too far but it just felt right. It felt like magic, my stomach flipped, my head was dizzy and I just wanted to explode of happiness? He pulled away and rested his forehead on mine but before he could say a word I pressed my lips to his once more, I didn't actually want that kiss to end, I'd never done it before but damn, I liked it. I felt him smile in the kiss which warmed my heart a little. I put my hands around his neck and then he pulled away again. "Calm down Ashby" he joked. I smiled at him, ahh why was he so amazing? We sat in the same booth just talking about anything and everything, I had my head rested on his shoulder and he had his arm around my shoulders, keeping me close to him and it made me feel safe, it really did. "We should probably go" he announced. I looked up at him and sighed. I was enjoying this moment, we still had to pay for the meal, I thought we'd at least go halves so I pulled my wallet out when he placed a hand on my arm and lowered it. "I've got it" he insisted. "A-Are you sure?" I asked He nodded his head. "I'm treating you today Alan. Its your day" My face turned bright red, oh how did I end up on a date with someone so perfect. We walked out of the restaurant kind of like how we did when we walked in. He had his arm around my waist but it was different. We were kind of closer. Not physically but mentally? I dont know, I just felt better around him. He opened the door to the passenger side of the car and waited for me to get in before closing it then he walked to his side and got in. "I don't wanna go home yet" I confessed. He looked at his watch. "The nights not over yet" he smirked. What. What did he mean the nights not over yet? Oh god was he expecting more than a kiss? Fuckfuckfuckfuck. Literally. I wasn't ready for that! No where near!! I was panicking and it was showing. "Alan, its fine, calm down. Breath with me" I copied his breathing and got back to my normal breathing rate. "I don't mean that. We won't do any of that until you're ready" He reassured me. "We don't have to do it at all if you don't want to" I smiled at him in relief. "I mean i'm going to take you somewhere else before I take you home" he smiled at me whilst he turned the key in the ignition. The drive was short, it was about 10 minutes, it was so cheesy though. We went to a cliff, it was a beautiful scenery though. We got out of the jeep once he parked it in a nice spot and sat on the bonnet of the car. Austin put his arm around me and we laid down on the bonnet staring up at the sky. It was beautiful out, pitch black with the stars twinkling every now and then. I couldn't of asked for a better date. This was a perfect way to end it. My head was resting on his chest and I could feel his heart beat, it was soothing and i liked it. I rested my hand on his stomach whilst he had one of his arms tucked behind his head and the other playing with my hair. "This is perfect" I muttered with a smile. He smiled softly before replying "You're perfect Ashby" I rested my chin on his chest to look at him but his tattoos on his neck caught my attention. I ran my finger across the geisha doll on his neck before saying "I wanna get a tattoo & I wanna get a piercing" He looked down at me and laughed to himself. "Why?" "Well, because, they look awesome and I look boring" I confessed. He took hold of my arm and said "Well I think you should get a big one across here" he traced where he meant "that says Austin Carlile will forever be my pimp" and laughed to himself. I was really uncomfortable having him hold my arms, he was piratically touching my scars that were only made yesterday. It was still sore but I couldn't blame him, he didnt know about it. He could see the pain and awkward look in my face and he released his grip from my arm a little a noticed how my face changed from being in pain to not so much. He looked down at my arm and then back at me and proceeded to sit up, I shook my head at him and tried to snatch my arm off him but he just held it still. I was stupidly weak oh my god. This is one thing I didn't want him to find out about! not yet. He rolled my sleeve up and uncovered all the scars that lay across my skin, the redness where some were only inflicted the night before, he scanned them more than one then looked at my other arm, rolled the sleeve up and examined that arms scars and redness. I didn't see any point in me fighting back, i'd only lose. I'm so pathetic, I lowered my head, trying not to see the disappointment in his face. That was the last thing I wanted. "Alan.." He whispered slowly. I sighed, I didn't know what to say, as soon as I could I covered my arms back up in embarrassment. "..Why?" I swallowed the lump in my throat. "B-Because, I-I just. I just can't bare myself. I feel like I need to be punished every night, yknow the pain makes me feel better about myself. I-Im sorry Aus" I tried to explain before he butted in "Alan, please. No more, this is already too much, why didn't you tell me?" I let out another sigh "I hav-haven't told anyone" I looked up at him. "Please don't hate me" He let out a deep breath. "I'll never hate you darling. But you've got to stop" I nodded my head. "I-I just don't know how" "Is this all of them?" Ah shit. I shook my head slowly and gestured at my legs and he let out another sigh. "What were you thinking?" "I ju-just hate myself so much, to the point where I want out and a lot of the times I just wan-want to bleed out I just never cut deep.. deep enough" When I say it aloud it really makes me seem stupid. What am I. "Alan.. When was the last time?" I swallowed the lump in my throat "l-last night" He wrapped his arms around me and embraced me whilst whispering into my ear. "You should've messaged me or at least called me. But Alan, you're perfect, your body is perfect. Theres no reason you should damage it. I'm here for you, I always will be, whenever you need me" I hugged him back, I could honestly stay in his arms for ages. "I'm just in a bad place" He nodded his head in agreement. "You were staring at the edge of the world, we all do at some point, but whenever you feel that way again, I just want you to call me. No one else, call me straight away." He kissed the side of my head and broke the hug. He slid off the side of the Jeep and held his hand out for me to take it, so i did. I slid off the side of the Jeep also before he said "We should get back, its nearly midnight." I nodded my head, I was getting kind of tired to be honest. The drive home wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be, he stopped outside of my home and kissed me goodbye, and as always, waited for me to get into the house before driving off. That night I checked Tumblr as I always did and saw his Tumblr post: "Took my little ginger prince on our frist date tonight ♥ Couldn't ask for a better boy ♥ I don't mind if you're staring at the edge of the world. You're still perfect to me kitten ♥" I smiled, it was a proper smile. I thought i'd do the same kind of thing. My followers don't really know whats going on with me as much and I had received a few messages asking what I have been up to because thats the kind of people my followers were and I didn't mind that at all. I felt like I could trust them more than people in reality. "He calls me his and I can't help but blush. He calls me perfect and my heart melts. He's so breathtaking and I don't know what he's doing with a guy like me but I don't want these butterflies to end ♥ I don't mind if you're overrated ♥" Most of the night my ask box was lighting up with messages like "Omg cashby is adorable, im so happy for you" and hate mail "faggot go die" Yeah they didn't make me feel so good. I replied to one though. "ur such a fgt, u don't belong in this twn, gtfo before we beat ur gay ass." "don't like, don't look." That was probably all I dared to put. Austin messaged me after he saw that ask. He wanted me to post this ask publicly and i did. I didn't want to but I did. "Don't let the pricks get you down kitten ♥ you're flawless. & to all the bellends that were even thinking about sending hate to this beautiful creature, instead of clicking on his ask box, click on me. bring the hate fuckers." He was protecting me, even online and it was adorable. He was a stronger person than me and it made me feel safe. My last post of the day was "Night sweeties ♥ this is the first night where I don't hate myself and it feels good ♥ thank you so much. ♥"

Notes