My Understandings

Through the whole week, my ask box was lighting up with some really nice comments. Especially after I posted a selfie with the caption of "So I have to write this diary entry for two months with a picture of my mood each day.. great. Looks like this will be the first picture" My face was glum looking. Soon after I got a message in my box saying. "Don't be sad. Its not the end, everything gets better" It was from the page 'its-all-lies' Who was this person? I looked on their acc and there was this post saying "One day i'll show you who i am. One day you'll be able to talk to me openly. One day we can be close and on that one day, I will tell you everything will be okay. I'll never let you go after that one day." Thats fricking adorable. Why can't I ever have someone like this? There was a post underneath saying "Hot damn, hes gorgeous" and also a bunch of asks saying "Who is he?" and to everyone one of them the person replied "thats to remain a secret right now" Why I was taking interest in this page in particular i dont know but it was kind of interesting. I wanted to know who it was so the first thing I thought of was to ask for a selfie. So i went into the ask box and typed "Hey, so you should post a selfie ✌" I was hoping that some people would see this and realise that yeah, they want to see what this person looks like. I made sure it was anon though. Shortly after I sent the question actually they replied with "Maybe" and some more asks came up with people asking for a selfie from them and to which he replied. "If I get a couple more asks I might" So me being me, I went into the ask box and send another request and another, and someone soon sent another ask. Okay, I really wanted to know what this person looked like. They then posted "Alright, so, through many requests of a selfie here it is, its not my full face, because I don't want to give it away" For god sake, I wanted to see all of them but HOT DAMN. Even just the half of their face is gorgeous and its a dude! ITS A DUDE! ITS A FRICKING DUDE! This was the person that said everything is going to okay and who messaged me and THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL. Why was they messaging me though? --------- My phone started to ring and it was Chris calling I picked up the small device and placed it to my ear and before I could say anything he said "We're going down to the park, you coming?" I dont know, was I? I guess thats an invitation, its not like I have anything to do anyway. "S-Sure" and before I could say anything else "We're outside now by the way" I looked out of my window and sure enough, they were outside. Jaxin was leant up the side of the Jeep, so was Chris and Austin was sat on the hood of the car and when he saw me look out of the window he waved at me with a smile. Oh hes so gorgeous. I soon noticed that I was only wearing a tank shirt and the scars on my arms were very very visible, I quickly shut the blinds and grabbed a jacket. I turned to my computer and I was about to turn it off but I decided to send the guy a message. "God damn that half of your face is gorgeous." What i didn't do, was put it on anon. And I think I probably shouldve. -------- When I walked out of the door I made sure that my arms were covered and nothing was visible. I forced a smile at the guys as i neared them. "You take ages dude" Chris shouted. I awkwardly smiled and replied "I had to message someone on tumblr, yknow" Chris understood my love for tumblr and the people on it so he knew if i had to message someone I would do it without a doubt. He nodded his head in agreement. I looked at Austin briefly who was now checking his phone with a huge grin. We got in the car and Austin started the car up. I checked tumblr to see if I had any messages or anything, the guy I called gorgeous has replied to my comment with "you have literally just made my day, like wow. thank you so much. not nearly as beautiful as you though friend ♥♥" Omg my heart melted. Right there, I had the worlds biggest grin on my face and I couldnt hide it. "What are you grinning at?" Chris asked me. I looked at him and just smiled. "Nothing" I noticed Austin looking in the mirror, seeing my grinning, which made him smile cheekily. He seemed kinda proud. What was up with him? I thought I would reply to them with "I wish, I'm just a loner& a loser, nothing special. I hope you get your dream relationship like you write about though ❥ They'll be the luckiest person in the world." --------- We sat at the tree again, cans of relentless and monster spread out. We was sat exactly how we were the other day. "How long you guys here for anyways?" Chris asked. "A month and then we go back." Jaxin replied. Chris nodded his head. "What're you gonna do when you go back?" He continued. "We were actually thinking about starting a band, Austin can growl which fits into the music we want to play, and I can play drums. We just need the rest" he laughed. I looked at Austin who was staring down at his phone. He can growl? Thats hot. I thought I should check my Tumblr, to see if the person had replied to my comment and they had. "loner&loser? I think not. In my eyes, you're almost perfect ♥ I say almost because you don't talk to me as much as you should do ;P then you'd be fully perfect ♥ anybody would be lucky to call you theirs. and as for my relationship I doubt that's going to happen. I have a couple of weeks to really get to them and thats probably it. I just hope they notice me in that time. ♥ & lucky? I think not. I'm so overrated" I love how they always use hearts. I think I could just talk to him for ages and help him out, but I cant. Because 1. I dont know them or what state they're in and 2. they would probably push me out like most people I didnt realise that I was grinning like a madman until Chris asked me what I was grinning at. I just lifted my phone to suggest its tumblr but he quickly grabbed it out of my hand. "Chris!" He stared to read out the message and I hid my face as it turned red. -------- Austins POV I knew fully well who I was messaging, but he didnt and I kind of liked that. It was like a mystery for him. He thought there was some dude ages away that kinda liked him and yet here I am. Sat right next to him as he reads the message I just sent him and hes grinning away. As soon as Chris started to read the message out he tucked his head away, he was blushing so hard. Jaxin smiled at the message and then Chris read out the part that said "I have a couple of weeks" and he shot a direct look to me. Okay, so maybe I told Jaxin about all of this. We were like brothers, I told him everything. He pulled a stern look. "Austin I need to talk to you." he came out with. We both stood up and walked away from Alan and Chris. "Dont do this Austin. Not again" He immediately said to me "Jaxin, i'm not. I'll never go back to how I was" "Hes innocent Austin, don't do this to him" "I'm not, he's different. Jaxin, I like him, its not like before" He swallowed his breath. "Just, make sure you know what you're doing. I don't wanna see him or you crash and burn." I looked down at my feet. Im not the best at relationships guaranteed but i dont know, I just think he's different. Like, better. Jaxin placed his hand on my shoulder. "Look, I can help you out with this, I just don't want you to make the same mistakes." I looked up and smiled at him. He's the best person. He is honestly like my brother. He knew I was gay and didn't care, he even tried to be a wingman for me. He's help me so much in the past and theres no way I'll ever be able to pay him back for it. As we were walking back to the guys I checked my tumblr, I wanted to see if Alan had replied. "I'd love to talk to you all the time but you'd probably get bored of me and just leave like other people & don't doubt, all good things come to those are idk perfect like yourself. I don't mind that you're overrated. I don't think anyone does, plus you're probably not even overrated. I bet you're just as good as everyone says.. without that sounding dirty. And as for them noticing you, they'd be stupid not too. I guess you should just be yourself and if yourself isn't good enough then they're not worth it. ♥ I hope you get all you want in life ♥" Little did I realize Jaxin was reading it over my shoulder and I was grinning like the Cheshire cat. I looked at him. "Reply to it" he said and carried on walking to the others. I walked and typed at the same time, im surprised I didn't fall over to be honest. "You're sweet little ginger prince ;) the thing is, they're right beside me most of the time, and i've barely been noticed. They're too shy to talk to me or they've heard about my past. I'd rather them be shy than scared. But they are most defiantly worth it, just looking at them gives me butterflies and makes me smile like a goof. I may be the tallest thing people have ever seen but I am honestly just a big softy. ♥" I normally put a heart at the end of every answer i give people so its not unusual. It doesnt mean anything but to him, it kinda does. I'm falling for this stranger and I'm falling fast. ------- Alans POV He-He called me a sweet little ginger prince. Oh my god, it actually gave me butterflies. I wanted to know who this guy was. He hadn't replied to any of my comments privately, so they were plastered on his page. He even had some other comments made saying things like "Who is this guy?" and "You and AlanMeowow are adorable" It made me smile. He had now sent me something to my box. "We should meet up sometime, we're in the same state ♥" I smiled like a goof, trying to hide it from the others but Jaxin couldn't help but make a comment. "You're happy today Alan" he laughed. Okay, that made my smile awkward, i nodded my head slightly and looked down at my phone. "He's found someone online" Chris added. Jaxin raised his head in an understanding way and then looked at Austin who was smiling back at him. I don't know what that was. I had to reply to him "Omg, are we really? I'd say yes but, i'm awkward, and i dont think you'd be happy, cos i make everyone uncomfortable and weird." I sighed. I really did want to meet him, but it wouldn't be fair on him and i don't want to put that on him. "Awkward or not, you seem perfect ♥ if you don't want to meet up thats fine, but if you ever do, just say the word ♥" was his reply. I was being kind of anti-social because my head was stuck in my phone when there were people around me. I put my phone away, trying not to reply to him. I wanted to, so bad. ------- "Finally off your phone then Alan?" Chris said sarcastically. I nodded my head akwardly. "Uh, sorry" "You're smiling for once, and its not forced" Austin butted in. I looked at him and nodded my head "Its been a while" "You deserve to smile Alan" He smiled at me. Wow, two guys, are being so fricking nice to me and its just making my heart melt. I know Austin probably isn't into me like the guy online is and I don't even know if he's gay like the guy online. But, I hoped that the guy online was as gorgeous as Austin was and as thoughtful, that it wasn't just a show he puts on on tumblr. "I thought you said you was going to follow me on tumblr anyway" I asked, come to think of it, i havent actually seen a profile that would look like his come up at all. "I did" he smiled "Did you? I haven't seen any profile come up that has your face on it" "Because my face isnt on my profile, but I have followed you and your blog is adorable" I smiled stifly. But then i realized, its full of 'typical gay things' and I haven't actually told anyone about me. The realization hit my face like a brick. "Don't worry, i won't tell anybody if you're not out" he said it quietly which made me feel more comfortable. I swallowed the lump in my breath. "Th-ank you" Jaxin and Chris were in a conversation again, ignoring that we were sat here. We looked over to them and then back at each other. "So whos this guy you've been messaging and fangirling over?" he asked jokingly. I just smiled, thinking about him made me smile. "I-I don't know. He's just perfect"I blushed. He smiled at me. "I'm glad" I nodded my head in agreement. "Hey, so did you wanna hangout tomorrow? I know this great beach, the other two are coming too" Shit. I didn't like beaches because 1. i look out of place 2. because I HAVE SCARS EVERYWHERE "Um, I don't really like beaches, or swimming or swimming costumes" i laughed awkwardly. He smiled at me "It's fine, I don't really, but yknow, it'll be fun. You don't have to go in or anything" He reassured me. Fine, what have I got to lose? Plus, theres always the possibility i can look at Austin in just swimming trunks and damn, im not passing that opportunity. I nodded my head. "Sure then" and laughed awkwardly as he smiled at me. "Sweet, we'll pick you up at yours" So, I was going to the beach tomorrow where I would stick out like a sore thumb. I'd be dressed in jeans and a long shirt whilst everyone is nearly nude. All because of these stupid scars! Everytime I thought about them i'd get angry at myself and just fall into the same routine of adding more. Which is exactly what I did that night.

Notes