Korn blasted from my stereo speakers as I pushed myself up off the floor from my sixtieth push-up. Sweat trailed down my cheek and I moved my arm up to wipe it off my face. My heart was pacing in a calm manner, unaffected by the jerky movements I put my body through.

Calm and steady. Exactly what I would like my mind too be like right now.

I positioned myself too lay on my back and pulled my knees up, getting in the proper position to start doing sit ups. Putting my fingers on the back of my head too support my neck, I left myself up, feeling the smallest of burns in my abdomen; from not being used too the movement in a long while. I was in for a painful day if they were all going to be like this.

One. That night kept playing over in my head, and that wasn't going to change. Two. That was five fucking days ago. Three. I think I've exceeded my exercising limit. Four. Not that, that is going to stop me. Five. Maybe I should stick to running? Six. Because this is actually starting too fucking hurt. Seven. My head did a 360, and went straight back too Devin. Eight. Devin said he likes me. Nine. Possible correction, did like me.

I blew out a frustrated breath, hating this rut I was in emotionally. I kept up my pace, doing at least thirty more until my muscles screamed in protest. I felt like screaming and crying all at once when I stopped and stared at the ceiling. My breathing and heart was sent into chaos when I let the emotions wash over me.

What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just leave it alone and let Devin be? It’s not like he’s going to answer anytime I try to call or text, or even let me see him when I go to the tour bus. Each time, the guys would have it in a way that I couldn't even see Devin. Although I knew personally that they meant no harm in doing so, and they were doing it under their friends request; it still hurt too some degree that they were preventing this from being solved.

They would all give me sympathetic looks every time too; it was all in the open now, everyone knew what happened and knew what I felt for Devin, and maybe even know what Devin feels for me. No one could have prevented this, even if they wanted to.

I glared at the ceiling, as if it was the reason for this disaster.

I remembered Chris’ disheartened face the last time I saw him, after my tenth failed attempt too talk too Devin, and it was one of the few times I actually had to be there. The other twenty times when I was there, it was their friend, not their assistant.

Chris apologized to me, like it was his fault this all happened. I almost punched him in the goddamn face. One for even thinking that this was his fault. Two, for trying to play matchmaker with Devin and I. Three because it almost worked.

I looked over to my stereo when it changed from Korn too ZZ Top’s I Gotsta Get Paid. Literal irony. I started laughing, the sound startling me, since I haven’t heard it in a long time.

I did have too get paid today, which made the song funny as hell.

I snorted, slapping my forehead for even laughing at the stupid irony. Knock. Knock. Knock.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard someone's fist tapping against the metal of my door. I scrambled up and looked at my clock on the stove. 5:40AM. I furrowed my brow, wondering who it could be at this hour. Not many of my friends are up this early, let alone mobile and knocking on doors.

“I know you’re awake, Al.” Oh, I guess Josh finally figured out how to use an alarm clock.

“I’m coming.” walking all of four steps towards the door, I turned the handle and he practically barged in, like the undead were nipping at his heels.

“Hello to you to?” I asked, slightly surprised by his rush to get in. “Sorry.”

I shrugged, not actually caring, but curiosity got the better of me. “What are you doing here so early?” I questioned.

“What?” He threw his hands up dramatically as he sat down on the couch. “A guy can’t come visit his friend?” he scoffed. I rolled my eyes and went to the fridge and grabbed my 4L of water. I twisted the cap off and poured it into my glass that was sitting on the counter.

“Not when that guy doesn't like waking up before 11AM, he won’t.” I retaliated, twisting the cap back on the water bottle and putting it back in the fridge. I quickly downed the glass of water, feeling the cold liquid refresh the inside of my throat, and felt it glide down my esophagus, its sharp coolness never leaving my senses. I shivered at the feeling, knowing it was probably because I just finished working out, well half way done.

“That felt weird.” I muttered to myself. Josh ‘hmm’ed. “I’m actually here to see if you’re alright.” I turned to him, slightly stupefied.

“I’m fine..?” I left it as a question, so he would explain himself. He narrowed his eyes at me, like he was trying to figure out if I was playing stupid or not. I let him figure it out.

“You didn't go for a run today. The rest of the guys, including Ghost, were worried something happened.” My face must have betrayed my surprise upon hearing Devin's nickname in that statement. “Yes, in not so many words, Ghost is worried about you. When Brandon mentioned that he didn't see you leave for your new daily regime, he perked right up, and tried to nonchalantly walk over to the window.”

He laughed. “It’s kinda funny, when he tries to play it off.” he put his fingers in the air, motioning quotation marks. “ It’s ‘he’s just looking outside at the weather or something’, but we know where his eyes go.”

I turned around, letting the smile I was holding back, escape. He worries about me. The thought warmed me in ways I thought were impossible.

“Anyways, why didn't you go running? I thought it was something to help you stay on track, when, um…” He trailed off, not knowing how to finish, I assumed. I didn't blame him, it was a touchy subject, the exercise helped with all the emotional stuff. And the only other person here at Warped that knows the full extent of this issue, which isn't a lot, was Chris. The only reason Chris and Josh knew, was because Chris started noticing I was behaving differently, which I tried hard not to do. But it’s hard when the times that your heart is metaphorically out in the open, is when people start to notice the difference in you.

Chris actually noticed a lot, and that surprised me and gave me reassurance that he was a good friend.

I turned around to face Josh. “I was planning on it, but I decided on doing some upper body work. Didn’t feel like leaving the home today.” I sighed. “But I think I might be in the clear for now, so don’t worry too much.” It wasn’t exactly a lie, I was feeling better than I did a few days ago. I still felt like shit, but it was getting tolerable, I was going to get over this, somehow.

He ‘hmm’ed again, unconvinced, no doubt. I shook my head, deciding to leave it at that.

“Anyway, I was thinking today, and well yesterday to, that I’m going to quit the job I have with you guys.” He looked at me, shock evident on his face.

“Why, I thought-.” I put my hand it.

“Let me finish. I called my best friend from Washington, Blake, this morning and she’s willing to take over the job as long as I get the okay from Alex.”

I went and sat down on my chair, bringing the palm of my hand up under my chin, holding it there.

“And it will put less strain on all of us, if I step away. Of course that doesn’t mean that I won’t still see you all throughout the rest of Warped Tour, but it would less awkward.”

His lips formed a grim line. He knew what I was saying made sense, but didn’t look like he agreed with it fully. He sighed heavily. “I wonder what Dev will say when I tell him you’re quitting the job.” He muttered.

I just shrugged. “He needs space, and even though I hate leaving it all up in the air like this, I understand it just as much. What he’s going through, emotions wise, can’t be easy on him.” Josh was nodding too what I was saying.

“It’s like trying too find yourself all over again, trying to bring a part of you into the original you, that you never really known existed or denied was there. And now he has to work it out with himself, too bring him back too a whole.”

“You sound like you’re speaking from experience.” Josh stared at me, waiting for me to confirm.

“I am.” I said simply. I didn't offer any more explanation to it, and he didn't ask further on the topic. My shoulders fell, as the weight of the entire situation fell upon me.

“It’ll work out, Al, it can’t get much worse than this.” His attempt to cheer me up, helped a little, and I smiled at his caringness. But I couldn't help but think something else was going to happen before this was all going to fall into place, one way or another.






The conversation about my job with Motionless went well with Alex, he agreed that once Blake showed up here, she could have the job. I called Blake and gave her the news, and she shouted in excitement, claiming that she missed me. But what she really wanted too see, in person was the guy I was in love with.

Go figure.

“What about Lizzie, Blake? Is she okay with you leaving for so long?” I asked, worried that her leaving suddenly, out of her job as a bartender, for maybe as long as a month, was going to go south.

“It’s fine, Ally.” I grimaced at her nickname for me. “Call it a paid vacation, it’s not like I can’t get the job back at Connors. I’m still getting money one way or the other. And Lizzie and I are still feeling each other out, we’re not rushing into this relationship without getting a feel for what the other does and acts.”

“Whatever you say.” I was currently taking the bands schedules to them, along with some coffee, so I was balancing the phone between my ear and shoulder. My sunglasses pinched behind my ear, where I was forcing my head at an awkward angle.

“What are you doing right now, anyway.” She asked. “Getting the guys some coffee, its one of those kind of days. Sometimes they want coffee in the morning from Starbucks, or they make their own. Depends on how tired they are.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“Oh, it is. Believe me, I love the feeling of joy I get from them as I bring them their morning coffee.” I smirked.

“Makes you feel powerful, huh?” I used my one, free hand and knocked on the door, as I could only hold the coffee one handed for so long.

“You bet, sweets.” I laughed, and I watched as the door open to reveal a cranky looking Ricky.

“Good morning, sunshine.” I chortled at Ricky, he groaned at me, and walked back inside, while I followed him in and set down the coffee on the counter. I tried to keep my eyes from glancing around, to try and find Devin, but I still did a quick look around, and I was saddened that I didn't even get a glimpse of that wily hair of his.

Suddenly glad I was wearing sunglasses, because Chris was looking at me expectantly, as if waiting too tell me where Devin wasn't going to be.

“So, how are you with the whole Devin/ possibly liking you, and you liking him situation?” Blake sounded cheeky, but I knew it was her way in saying ‘I’m worried about you, I don’t want you too fall into that pit you put yourself in with the last person you loved.’

“I’m good, and don’t worry, it’s not as bad as the last time. I’m in control. I have been since this whole thing started.” I caught movement in the back, so I quickly removed my backpack and took out the papers with the schedule on them. I passed them too Chris, and started my way out the door when I heard my name being said from a voice I thought I would never hear again.

“Alistair?” Devins voice was so low and quiet I almost missed it. I slowly turned my head and he was staring in my direction with such sad eyes. Balz was behind him, and I knew what was said to make him want to speak to me. I pulled my glasses up, pushing my hair back in the process so they were resting on my head. I shifted the phone downwards, so it looked like he had my undivided attention. Even though, with him, he always did.
“Yeah.” My voice was barely audible, and I hoped it conveyed enough assertiveness to him that he believed what Josh had said to him was true.

“Alistair?” I heard Blakes voice faintly. I wanted to answer her, but any words I was coming up with in my head where stuck in my throat. “Yeah.” I repeated, forcing them to the surface. I turned back around, and continued walking out the door.

I knew I was leaving them all confused, until Josh filled them in. It’s not like it was anybodys fault that I decided on quitting so soon after getting the job, it was just circumstances came up and I thought it would be best to give Devin some space, and give myself some distance from him.

But my heart felt like there was needles of ice pricking at it as I walked further and further away from the bus.

“ALISTAIR!” I stopped suddenly, nearly tripping over my feet when Blake's voice screamed over the phone. “Sorry.” I choked out.

“What happened?” She sounded concerned, almost panicked, like I had gone somewheres and she wasn't sure where I went.

I was tempted to say nothing, and I did, but she didn't believe me. Nice try, I guess. “I just freaked I guess, all he said was my name and I knew I had to get out of there before something happened. I ran away.”

It angered me that I did something so cowardly, but too face those sad cloudy blue eyes made me want to weep.

“Its okay, Alistair, you are human you know. You’re allowed to be scared.” She tut tutted. “Anyways, I’ll see you tomorrow when I arrive in New York. I got too go get ready.”

I nodded, “Yeah, alright, talk to you late Blake.” I waited until I heard the dial tone too put my phone away, it kept vibrating as time went by, and I knew for sure it was the guys calling and texting me, but I wasn't in any mood to answer. I stared down at my shoes. The black and blue where a weird contrast to the dark green grass all around me, I blew out a breath through my nose, realizing now that little scene probably could have gone better.

I lifted my head back up and started walking towards Michelles bus, too see what job she had for me today.

And possibly too get my pay as well.


~


I was borderlining on being physically exhausted, I didn't have anything to eat yet today and scarcely anything to drink and yet I was being stupid and pushing past it, trying to find hidden energy I had in myself too keep going. Ignoring it too the point, that I thought I was invincible. Michelle had me everywhere today, simply because they were a little short handed today. And that I kept saying ‘yes’ whenever she asked if it was okay too ask me to do something else wasn't exactly smart.

From setting up, and breaking down a stage, I was in several security lineups for sets today. I was back too another one; for Motionless In White, because again I stupidly said yes too Michelle. There was no doubt I was trying to punish myself, but here I am. Standing right in front of where Devin was supposed to be standing on the stage.

I didn't glance back this time around, I kept my gaze focused on the swell of people singing and jumping in front of me. I could feel the entire bands gazes on me every now and then, but I couldn't and wouldn't acknowledge them.

I felt myself sway a little, and I stomped the ground in front of me, shaking it off. I was not going to pass out. I’m fine. I yelled at myself, trying to make myself believe it.

When the set ended, I felt like death warmed over, but I still stood there and waited until everyone left. Roy wasn't in this line up today, and that was probably a good thing, because he probably would have told Michelle that I needed to take a break.

I was about to leave, too find out my next job, when something smashed into the back of my head. Pain radiated my skull, and I felt my face contort in obvious discomfort. I meekly put my hand too the back of my head, it started throbbing painfully, and I winced when the slight pressure from my fingers sent waves of even more pain through my head. I turned around, and saw some fucker trying to scramble out of David’s grip. David being one of the bigger guys, muscle wise, he held him easily in place.

“You alright Sheppard?” I nodded. “What the fuck was that about?” I asked the dipshit being held captive.

“Thought you would be able to catch it, but it looks like I was wrong.” He sneered at me.

“No shit Sherlock. I don’t have eyes in the back of my fucking head.”

I took a few steps closer, and stopped suddenly when it felt as if the world shifted under my feet I closed my eyes, trying to regain my balance. When I opened them again, I felt slightly better, besides the throbbing head. I walked up to the lanky kid, and stepped back, after the smell of booze hit my nose.

“How the fuck did you get these?” David was looking in his backpack, his dark brown eyes disproving when he held out empty beer cans.

The kid just started laughing, drunk out of his fucking mind, probably thinks everything is fucking hilarious right now.

“I’m going to go get Roy, and get this settled out. You head to the medical tent.” David muttered sternly at me. My head throbbed and my hand went instinctively to help it, only too barely pat it because of the pain and dizziness that threatened to overcome me.

“Right.” And watched as he carried the kid away. I turned my heel and started walking towards where Michelle was supposed to be.

“Alistair!” I looked over and saw Andy running over to me. “Hey.” I murmured. “I saw the tail end of the that. Are you okay man, you look like shit.”

“Thanks for the compliment.” I joked. “I’m okay.” Continuing walking towards my destination. He walked along with me, concern written on his face.

It wasn’t long before I had to stop again, trying to make the dizziness go away. Black started covering the outside of my vision, and I realized that my body couldn’t hold up much longer. I slowly fell to my knees, holding my hand over my eyes, trying to regain control of what I wanted my body too do.

“Shit, Alistair, you are so fucking not okay right now.” I felt his hand on my shoulder. I raised my gaze to look in front of me, trying to focus, but my head was throbbing so painfully and erratically, it was hard to concentrate.

“Andy, what’s wrong with him?” I think I heard Chris’ voice from somewhere behind me. “I’m not sure, all I know is that some punk threw a bottle at his head, and now it’s like he can’t move.”

“Alistair, hey, can you hear me man?” I felt hands on my shoulder and back. My breathing came out ragged. “I… think.” I breathed out, trying once again to force the blackness back, by closing my eyes and putting my hand over them. “I.. think.. I’m going ...to pass out..” I couldn’t form a proper sentence without breathing harshly. My mind wasn’t scared, but my body was, and it wanted to shut it down.

I thought I heard Chris curse, and call for someones help. I heard Andy freaking out, but it was falling further and further away.

I tried to tell them what I was seeing, too try to convey a message to them, so they could tell a medic or someone what was happening too me right that very moment.

“Theres...blackness… in eyes..” Those where the last words I thought I was saying before I fell into that same blackness, my body becoming light as a feather, falling forward, not caring where I landed.

After that, it was completely quiet. No noise. No sounds of any kind. No sun, or lights, just me and the darkness. Now to wait until consciousness found me again.

Notes

Okay, so maybe the end is a little dramtic, I apologize for that. But, it shall all work out in the end. ;3 maybe? muahahaha.