Human After All.

I was literally jolted out of whatever I was doing whenever I saw Chris. Only because now I was scared shitless. Which was kind of pissing me off.

The smile he gave me earlier, was enough to tell me that he indeed knows that I have feelings for Devin. What I didn't know is what he would do with them. But I wondered why he hasn't done anything about it yet. Did he not care that I did? Was there something more too it than just knowing? Did he actually know I liked Devin, or was it funny too see me staring at him?

Ugh, it was driving me nuts. I was sitting at the bar now, away from everyone; trying to avoid them at all possible costs. I took a sip of my vodka and orange juice, trying to collect my frayed thoughts.

Go dance. My mind screamed at me.Perfect, that should help. I quickly downed the rest of my drink, the vodka going straight to my head. A slight dizziness came over me, but passed quickly enough when I got up too walk towards the dance floor. My gaze looked over to my right without breaking my stride, and I saw Chris whispering too Devin. I felt a lump rise too my throat at the sight but I swallowed it, wincing slightly and continued to the swaying bodies on the dance floor.

If its going to be out in the open soon, then I’m going to have to stop beating around the bush and be honest. I felt myself straighten, a weird sense of pride coming over me. I wasn't afraid to tell them what I was feeling, and I wasn't ashamed.

It was the fear of losing their friendship that made my insides twist painfully.

I easily made my way through the thrashing bodies, trying to lose myself in the intensity of the music like everyone else.

The Phoenix by Fall Out Boy was blasting over the speakers. It was instantaneous; the reaction the song fueled into me.

“Cross walks and crossed hearts and hope-too-dies.
Silver clouds with grey linings!”

I flowed with the song, swaying along with everyone else, becoming part of a seemingly never ending ocean of people. My eyes half closed, feeling as though I was in a mist. Someones hand rested softly on my shoulder, I turned around and met the face of Ashley Costello.

“Dance with me?” She purred. I smiled, and pulled her close too me, arm around her waist and the other hand picking up the hand on my shoulder; and I spun her into the music around us.

Spinning and swirling, making her laugh, we danced along too the music. I chuckled at her happiness. It has been a long time since I had danced with another person. Although, thoughts of dancing with Devin made me smile and frown all at once, I tried to forget it.

“Hey young blood, doesn't it feel like our time is running out?
I’m gonna change you like a remix, then I’ll raise you like a phoenix.”

She pulled herself closer to me, her breath smelled only a slight scent of alcohol and the rest was partly fruity, I couldn't place what kind of fruit, but it did smell good.

“He’s watching you, you know?” She whispered in my ear. I felt myself tense up, and I felt as if someone with ice for hands was trailing a finger up my spine.

I spun her around, and dipped her down low, her hair almost pooling on the floor below. I whispered back, deciding to play dumb. “And who might we be talking about?”

“Ghost.” I heard her smirk as I pulled her back up and continued leading her around the dancefloor, through the throng of people.

“Ghost who?” Two can play at this game of whose smirk knows all.

“Oh, right, you only call him Devin.”

“I think you know my reply too that.” I smiled.

“I would like to know more on what your feelings are for him.” I looked her in the eyes, curiosity getting the better of me.

“And why would you want to know that?” I asked, pulling away from her, spinning her around with one hand, watching her dress flow around her. No one seemed to care that I was practically waltzing with this woman, even though the music was completely different from what we were actually dancing to.

I pulled her to me again.

“You are a very good dancer.” She complimented.

“I had a very good teacher.” Pride trickled its way too my mouth, when I thought of my mother teaching me all the ways she knew how to dance.

“Would you like to actually dance too this song?” I asked. She shook her head, and I heard the music change too Lacrymosa by Evanescence.

Amy Lee’s angelic voice came on, and we were actually dancing the proper way too the music. With grace and elegance, we continued our slow waltz on the dancefloor. I was sure we were getting some odd looks by now.

“When are you going to tell him?” She asked.

“Tell him what.” It felt more like a statement than anything. I stared at her, waiting for an answer.

“That you like him.” Again, said with such simplicity, that I wondered for a second if she knew Blake.

“It’s not that easy, I-” She laughed. I widened my eyes.

“You don’t know do you?” She laughed even more so. I was beyond confused. What. The. Hell.

“Well, when you figure it out, you let me know. Until then.” She stood up on her tippy toes to kiss me on the cheek and strutted off, leaving me confused and for some reason sad.

I walked back over too the guys, and I was surprised and kind of scared too see that Devin was indeed staring at me, and by the looks of it, seemed too be kind of angry. At what, I wasn't sure.

And then, all at once, everything clicked; like puzzles falling into place. What Ashley was trying to say. She thinks that Devin likes me back.

My heart raced at the possibility, but my mind shut it down as soon as I thought it.

Goddamnit, I need a drink. I looked over and saw a waitress. “Another scotch on the rocks, please.” I called to her. She looked over and nodded, smiling. “Sure thing.”

I sat on the opposite side of Chris, trying to avoid sitting near Devin. The way my heart was going at the moment, I didn’t trust my own body around him. The waitress came back with my drink, I thanked her and she rushed off to take other orders.

Devin like me. Hilarious. The ice rattled slightly as I took a sip of the alcohol.

It’s like they’re trying too get my hopes up.





It felt like hours passed, and the music and dancing haven’t slowed down at all. I felt completely fried, my mind playing head games with me. Devin disappeared awhile ago, and I thought he was mad at me. Maybe it was the alcohol talking but I thought I did something wrong.

“I’m going to go clear my head.” I said too nobody in particular. Josh acknowledged me, and I lifted myself up off the couch and headed towards the back of the club. I pushed the back entrance door open and stepped outside too the quiet of the night.

I took a deep breath and felt the cool air seep into my lungs and start to clear my intoxicated mind. The door closed behind me, and the last bit of light with it.

I moved down the alleyway slightly and stopped, leaning against the wall, staring up at the sky. Where I was, I could clearly see the stars shining brightly against the midnight sky.

I wondered how many people where looking up at the stars, right this second. How many were looking up there too find answers that they can’t find anywheres else. I wonder if my dad was staring up at the sky right now? A tremor went through me, when I thought of my father, and I felt my eyes glaze over ever so slightly.

Him sitting at that home, where he was watched day in and day out to see if he would lose his shit. I hoped he was okay, maybe even a bit more lucid.

I should go see him soon. Maybe we can talk about what happened four years ago without breaking each other down with a guilt that we couldn’t do anything to stop it.

I pulled out my phone. Gliding through my contacts until I came up too Devins name. The temptation to text him or call him was becoming strong, even more so because I was almost drowning in thoughts of the past.

If Devin was mad or not, he still chased them away, without even knowing it.

“Fuck it.” I mumbled, quickly texting him.

-Hey, where did you disappear to?-

I waited, and I swore I could hear a ringtone of sorts somewhere around me. Although the thumping music from the club seemed to deteriorate that notion. My phone rang.

-Outside. Needed air.-

Well, that was short and sweet. I frowned. Maybe he was angry at me.

-Did I do something to make you mad? :/-

My thumb hovered over the ‘send’ button. Was this right? I inhaled sharply and pressed send, hoping he would answer

-...Why would you say that?-

I felt my face flush in embarrassment; the alcohol was making me feel stupid.

-Well...you looked angry, last time I saw you…- He was quick to reply.

-Oh…-

I don’t know why, but it made me a little annoyed that he was giving me such short texts. Usually we were a little more easygoing than this.

-I know somethings up...-

This time I definitely heard a chime and it was coming from the front of the alleyway. I followed it, and saw Devin sitting against the brick wall, phone in hand, the light brightening his face.

“I thought that was you.” He jumped slightly, surprised that I was outside. I didn’t go sit beside him, his facial expressions were enough to tell me that I wasn’t welcome at the moment.

He didn’t answer me after I spoke, and I didn’t press it. Even though the words I wanted to say where, ‘Please tell me what I did wrong?’, although I couldn’t think of anything I did that could have made him angry.

I backed myself against the opposite wall and paid extra attention too my smooth looking black shoes, that caught the light when I moved one in the right angle.

The silence was eating at me. I took a breath, opening my mouth to say something, but Devin muttered something.

“What?” I asked gently.

“I’m going to head back to the tour bus.” He muttered, standing up and started walking away.

“You didn’t answer my question earlier.” My tone low and hoarse. He stopped in his tracks.

“Why are you mad at me?” I asked again.

He continued walking away, and before I knew it, or even register if it was a good idea, I grabbed his shoulder pulling him back slightly.

“Please tell me what I did wrong.” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop it. He whirled on me, taking me by surprise and pushed me against the cold brick wall behind me. I put my hands up in surrender, not wanting to push him any further, but I pleaded him with my eyes too tell me why he was acting this way.

“Please.” I breathed out. His hands held fistfulls of my suit, but I didn’t care. I had his attention finally. I never realized how strong he was until now, and by the looks of it I pushed one too many buttons.

I stared into his eyes, and tried to read what was there, but it was like looking into a rain storm. There were so many emotions whirling behind his eyes, I couldn’t pin one long enough to read it. He looked as confused as I felt.

He looked down. “Sorry.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine. Sorry I grabbed you.”

“It’s just…” He let out a frustrated noise. I waited, trying to remain calm while he collected his thoughts.

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I’m acting like this.” He looked back up at me, and I saw one emotion that I never expected to see in his eyes. Lust. What you get between love and need; why would he feel that way about me? Suddenly I couldn't breathe right.

He gazed at me as if I had the answer he was looking for. My hands slowly fell to my sides. I watched his reaction to what I was doing.

My heart was hammering, thumping so loudly I thought he could hear it from where he was standing.

“What’s wrong?” I managed out.

He gaped, and he tried to sound words that were obviously stuck on his tongue. He let go of my suit, and I leaned forward ever so slightly, standing straight.

“I...I like you, Alistair. And I don’t know why or how. And it’s scaring the shit out of me.” The words threw me, and I fell back against the wall. But he didn’t stop there.

“And now it looks like it’s too late.” My eyes widened too the point I thought they were going to pop out. “To late?” I forced out. Why to late?

“Yeah,” His grey blue eyes sad. “You have Ashley.” He smiled, but it screamed fake too the point my heart couldn't take it.

I shook my head vehemently, and I glared at him, my emotions falling out of control. “No, I do not like her. I do not wish to date her. She is not mine. She is not the one I want. She is not the one I love!”

He glared right back. “Then who do you want?” He snapped slightly, his voice seared me with the pain evident in it.

I bit my tongue, trying to stop the words I had lined up in my mouth. He stepped back, his eyes widening as I stared him down.

“The one I love.” My voice shaking. “I thought I never had a chance with them.” I stared at him, trying and willing him to see it, and not fear it.

“Because I thought he would not like a person like me.” I ground out. He took another step back, and for a fleeting thought, I thought he wouldn’t run away. I pushed myself off the wall, and took a tiny step towards him, when I took another step and he didn’t run; I thought I was going to make it.

“So.” He gulped. “You, don’t like Ashley?” I shook my head. He was shaking and I yearned to comfort him. “No, I don't like her like that.”

“And he is?” Terror filled his eyes, and I stopped inching towards him.

“You, Devin.” I gave him, what I hoped to be a comforting smile.

“I..I..I.” His stare bore into me, and I knew before he did it, that he was going to run. And I was right. He turned on his heel and ran out the alleyway.

I tried running after him. “Devin wait!” My heart breaking, knowing that I probably threw too much at him. Knowing that he was probably going through too much right now as it is. I stopped giving chase when I thought of that.

“Please.” I watched him run down the sidewalk, back towards the venue. I fell against a fence, and slid down it. “Please let me explain.” I whispered.

My heart felt broken. Like it was in a million pieces that couldn’t be put together again.


~

My walk back to the RV was mindnumbing. I didn’t let the guys know what happened, and I didn’t want too. As far as they knew I was still outside the club gettin some air.

I stopped by their tourbus, too see if Devin was back. Which I saw that he was because there was a light on in the back. I knocked and called out his name. When he didn’t answer, I let him be.

“I’m sorry, Devin.” I murmured quietly as I walked towards my mobile home.

I quickly unlocked it, and walked inside, kicking off my dress shoes. I made my way too my bedroom, not bothering to turn on any lights. I undid my tie, and shimmied out of my jacket. I turned on my bedroom light, when I realized I should properly put this away. I unbuttoned my pants and slid them off, and the same with my dress shirt.

I put them in my closet, where they were too rest until I needed them again. I reached into my closet and pulled out my plain grey jogging pants. I looked too my left and saw myself in the mirror, along with a glance at my scars.

I winced at them, knowing they had long since healed but they still brought pain every now and then. Long, whiplike lashes laced my back. They were a rosy peach color and stood out against the contours of my back, like they were trying to meld back into my original skin color. But I knew they probably never would for an exceedingly long time.

I pulled on my pants and pondered. I stared at my bed, and then stared back into my closet, and then back at my reflection in the closet mirror.

No. I wasn’t going to sleep the night away that easily. I grabbed a black sweater and pulled it over my head. Slamming the closet door shut, I turned out the light and raced out to the living area, and pulled on some old running shoes.

I jumped out the doorway, and locked it behind me. I took a deep breath. I knew in some form of mind, I should be sleeping, but I knew if I gave in that easily, it would only lead to worse things. I glanced over to the Motionless tour bus, and saw the light in the back, and the curtain slightly pulled back.

Devin. As soon as I thought that name, the curtain moved and the light turned off. I sighed, hating how helpless I felt over this.

I turned towards the exit of the venue, and started running.

I felt the wind blow through my hair and my lungs and heart seemed to work as one as I ran through to the streets, and into a park that was near the venue. I didn’t bring music with me, because I needed my senses about me. I needed to clear my head. I needed to push myself until I was exhausted.

I needed to find release from this turmoil I got myself in.

Notes

Hoo boy. I stayed up way to late trying to finish this chapter. But I really wanted to post it tonight. But it had to be perfect. SO. Yeah here it is.

:3