The Throw-Aways

When I closed my twitter for the third time this morning, I just saw more and more comments pouring in. There were those that were encouraging and optimistic, but others were just hate and nonsense. It was fun to see some tweets from Skars, Dante, Kylar, and Nico. After Dante’s request for tickets, I had to ask Austin about that.

Of course he called Mark and in an instant, my four friends and my dad were given backstage VIP passes. It was like magic. All I DM to the four was that they had a surprise in the mail that was going to arrive in a couple of days. Kylar, of course, texted me about how she was excited for the surprise. When she found out, the texts came in spurts on my phone.

Alan basically freaked out when he heard Kye was coming out.

We had arrived in Dallas. Our set was on in an hour. After a thirty minute playing session, we had a twenty minute break and then to signings. It got me excited that I had a chance to meet people and sign things. Austin made me practice my signature about a thousand times so that I wouldn’t freak out when people came up and showered me with things to write my name on.

Needless to say, yesterday was when my hand went numb and the pen ran out of ink.

Sitting in my bunk, I listened to the songs we had arranged to play on the set. The playlist was on repeat as I lay on my bunk. Fingers stretched out, I imagined them on the clean white plastic. Soundless notes flowed through my mind and to the tips of my fingers.

A knock on the bunk made me pause Second and Sebring to look out and open the green curtain. A set of eyes peered from under black and blonde hair styled into a faux hawk.

“Jack?” I yelped, sitting up in my bunk and nearly hitting my head on the top. His sly eyes gleamed and he smiled. Was I really meeting one of the men I had admired for a long time? All Time Low was really in the bus.

“Hey, it’s All Time Low!” Austin exclaimed, poking his head out from the bunk below me. He was also taking some time to relax before we went on stage. Jack grinned at me, soon joined by Zack.

“We’ve invaded your bus.” Zack responded happily. I ducked over the edge of my sleeping place and saw Austin’s head poking out.

“So you must be the new girl we heard about.” Jack admired. I smiled and nodded, swinging my legs out of the edge, dropping onto the floor. The rest of the band emerged from their spots on the bus to meet the other band.

“And you must be the man who makes out with Alex on stage.” I smirked. Jack blushed and Alex turned around.

“Hey! He started it!” Alex Gaskarth pouted. Rian turned around and looked at Tino.

“So you haven’t been abusing her too much?” He chuckled. I rolled my eyes, but was suddenly hugged by Jack. Barakat was gushing about how happy he was to meet me and how great with the piano I was. I shook out my head and cleared my thoughts. The tweets came back to me.

A nervous twist in my stomach started again. All those hate comments started to drain me. Each word was like an individual pin prick.

“Don’t worry, Rian. She’s been kicking our butt at Extreme Monopoly.” Tino shrugged. Aaron turned around from drinking a bottle of water, scowling fiercly.

“She ruined Alan and I’s winning streak!” He complained. Alan perked up at the sound of his name. We all gathered at the front lounge of the bus to converse. The boys all had something to say, some advice to give me, for my first concert ever.

“So you’ve never even seen a concert live?” Alex asked. I shook my head. Once again, I was reminded of how poor we were at home. Small towns weren’t always good for business.

“Just don’t focus on what the crowd is screaming. You’ll have a little ear piece so you can hear the others more clearly. It’s easier to lose yourself in the music that way.” Zack suggested. I nodded, trying to clear my head of all the hate and worry that twisted my stomach into a square knot.

“Oh, and don’t forget to be engaged with them. Tune out their screams, not their presence! Interact and wave your hands a little. It’s fun to see the fans get into the music.” Alex laughed. Okay, so get engaged a little. That’ll be fun.

“Another suggestion: If you mess up, don’t show it. If you get off, just get back in when you can. Don’t worry about it even more or you’ll never get back on track. The crowd won’t notice unless you stand there, just still. If you mess up, just wave your hands and try to get the crowd pumped.” Jack told me. This started to ease my confidence. The fans wouldn’t notice if I messed up, as long as I kept them involved with the rest of the song.

“Oh and I want to see you stage dive.” Rian folded his arms and nodded. Jack punched him in the shoulder and chuckled. The other boys followed his laugh. What did he want me to do? How could I really stage dive? Like, it’s not like I could jump into a pool of water!

“Um, yes!” Alan cheered. Freezing up, I contemplated everything that could go wrong. There was falling, being injured, having clothing ripped off, and other fates.

“Maybe not tonight, but we’ll let her stage dive sometime.” Austin murmured happily, staring down at me with pleased eyes. I had seen many videos of him jumping into a sea of arms all grasping at air.

“Will I be dropped?” I asked. Phil shook his head, as if he remembered a long lost memory.

“Nah, the fans are too loyal and willing to surf you to let you fall. Just don’t kick your legs or move a lot.” He suggested. My mind instantly replayed the worst possible thing that could happen.

“Well, we better get going to the stage. The crew is probably ready by now.” Austin glanced at his watch. I took my hairbrush and quickly ran it through my hair one last time before I walked out with the rest of the boys. Jack nudged my side, falling into step beside me. The afternoon air was cool. It was about noon and time for lunch. No, food would be after the performance.

Breathe, just breathe….

Forcing my mind to repeat these three words, I thoughts of the keys under my fingers. This was no different than the studios. We just had a bigger audience than back on the west coast.

“You’ll do great, I promise.” Jack wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I gave him a weak grin. The resolve I had built up was crumbling with every step to the stage. It loomed overhead. I was about to take the steps up to the back of it when I could feel my heart stop beating. The crowd was chanting loudly.

I heard her playing sucks and her singing is even worse….

I won’t listen to this new sound….

She like, 13? How low can they go?

They all taunted me, all ate at my mind and confidence. Like a wall of bricks tumbling, I felt myself start to break down.

“Hey, I’ll see you later this evening.” Jack squeezed my shoulder and walked off with the rest of the band to watch. Phil tugged at my wrist to get my blank stare away from the nasty comments.

“Hey, R-Girl, you there?” he asked quietly. I turned to him and nodded. Aaron was looking at me nervously.

“Yeah, sorry…” I mumbled. Aaron came and patted my shoulder sympathetically. His guitar was slung over his chest. It almost seemed to glow from the impatient energy of wanting to be on stage and used.

“You’re scared. I can see you tremble.” He sang softly, eyes a comfort to me. I knew those lyrics anywhere. I grinned and ducked my head. My keyboard was standing alone and out on the stage. The laptops were set up and ready to play as well. Every files was open and ready for me to play. I had gotten everything so well set up, it was hard to believe I could ever screw up.

But knowing me, I would somehow find a way.

The shadows closed around me, tightening a comforting embrace against my body. It was like I could disappear in their warmth and I wouldn’t ever face the crowds cheering on the band’s name.

“Feel love shadows like a stranger…” I murmured, thinking about the darkness around me.

“Join the club…” Alan grumbled, slinging his guitar into his arms. I smiled at one of the crew members that always helped me set up the cords to my instrument. They murmured words of encouragement as one of the Warped Tour employees gave us the signal. The Dallas crowd gave us a warm welcome as Tino stepped out behind the drum set.

His hi-hat taps started The Depths.

Alan ran out, bouncing out to his position and the rest of the band followed him. As planned, I joined behind Phil. Austin was last. A thousand thoughts raced through my mind, but I just…

Breathed.

Breathe.

Focus.

Go.

The ear piece I had made every word, every sound, crystal clear. I could hear the crowd in one side, but the band in the other. It was beautiful. It was perfect. It was home.

I felt at ease, even though the pumping music. My hands pounded the keyboard. No matter how hard I pressed, I was assured that the board would stay on the stand.

“You’ll never be good enough!” Austin screamed into the mic. I clicked the laptop, waiting for the part where Tino would really start pounding out rhythms.

“SHUT UP!” Austin yelled to the crowd, who just screamed louder. As soon as he said those two words, I jumped on stage, feeling the energy fill my veins. I wasn’t afraid of messing up. I wasn’t thinking about what others had in their minds. I couldn’t daydream.

I was living my dream.

Taking All Time Low’s advice, I bobbed my head and got in touch with the crowd. Everyone clapped and cheered, swarming into mosh pits and waves that crushed bodies together like a vacuum seal.

With the final note, the final chord, I raised my sweaty head to the sky. The sun seemed brighter, the air clearer, and the band happier. The fans screamed in delight, like they had the entire song. A roar of applause swelled up through the venue.

“HELLO, DALLAS!” Austin cheered. He had been bouncing around and stomping on the stage. Everyone roared in response, but fell silent to hear the singer’s words.

“Are you ready for some MUSIC?!” He asked. Of course, the crowd let not a clear answer, but rather a RAAAWR! As the crowd answered him, I mentally prepared myself for the next song. It was Feels Like Forever and I just wanted to get past that one rough spot in the second verse. Austin glanced in my direction really quick, as if reading my thoughts.

Alan started off as Austin finished. Tino joined in and I was next up. We were all getting to the music when Austin came over to the keyboard, lightly leaning on it. I smiled up and him and nodded to the crowd, trying to still focus on my keys. I hoped he would move…

Yet, I wanted him near me. Austin Carlile had a comforting presence about him that made my fears disappear.

Biting back tears, I leaned into the words of the song. This song described my emotions perfectly and had helped me through many tough times. As the second verse came around, I let my fingers slip over the keys, pressing into them and fist bumping the air. The crowd howled in delight. That’s when I realized it.

I made those notes.

I had played them correctly.

The crowd loved it.

And I WASN’T SCARED!

Oh, how this band had changed me.

Austin nodded at me in approval, eyes ablaze in happiness. The singer knew that that little section was what I struggled with. The rest of the notes seemed to just get easier and easier. It was like taking in air and breathing out the song.

When we finished, I looked over to Alan, who grinned like a fool.

“As you probably know already, we just accepted a new member into the OM&M family…” Austin started off. The crowd applauded, but waited for more. I blushed deeply and Aaron gave me a quick side hug and a big grin.

I just made out the words, good job, that left his lips.

“Raven Skarsson has been a lot of fun to hang with and she’s a pretty badass pianist, but we can’t have a band without you. So what do you think of her?” Austin asked. My breath hitched for a moment. This was make or break. I could be booed off stage, or cheered to victory.

Austin didn’t even finish his sentence before the answer was received.

“RA-VEN! RA-VEN! RA-VEN!” The crowd went ballistic and many people whistled and cheered for me.

It was happening. It really was happening. They were cheering my name. They were happy that I was here. The crowd’s face mirrored my excitement. The feeling of joy wasn’t even possible to describe. It was like I was on cloud nine, higher than heaven and stomping out hell.

“Well, it looks like you’re a keeper!” Austin laughed to me. I chuckled and couldn’t stop grinning. It was so exciting to finally be on stage, the one place I dreamed of every night.

Would You Still Be There started up and I took my turn to bounce on my toes, raising my hand and getting the crowd to jump with me. I didn’t play much on this piece except for a few chords.

Next thing I knew, Austin was dragging me out from behind my keyboard. I blindly followed him to the center of the stage during a pause in the singing. It was Aaron with his clean vocals anyways!

“I WANT YOUR HANDS UP!” He yelled through the mic. Instantly, everyone’s hands went up. I think a few in the front caught on to what I had yet to grasp.

“R-GIRL’S NEVER STAGE DIVED BEFORE! LET’S SHOW HER!” Austin screamed. The band looked at me and I glanced at Austin, turning to stare at him.

“Austin, I thought you said not tonight….” I grumbled just loud enough through the mic. A few people laughed as I turned with crazed eyes to Tino. He was far too busy jamming out on his set to notice. Strands of sweat covered hair bounced with his head.

Soon enough, Austin pushed me off stage. I felt it coming so I gave myself a little push, just clearing the barrier. I felt the hands give under me and then hoist myself up through the swarms. They all cheered as I held still. Phil had given some great advice for this experience. Like a loyal flock of geese, all the fans held their hands up and passed me towards the back and then to the front again. We were all covered in salty sweat and the energy rolled off everyone in waves.

It was the best ride of my life.

Notes