Wounds of Regret

As soon as I'd taken that first bite, my stomach began to churn in rejection. It was as if I could feel myself getting fatter. Somewhere in my mind I knew that wasn't true, but I couldn't get the feeling out of my system. I could feel the food sitting in the bottom of my stomach, as if it was poisoning me.

I tried to push away the feeling, forcing another bite of food down my throat. I attempted to distract myself, focusing anything and everything around me. I hadn't eaten an actual meal in months.

A sickening and familiar feeling soon began to overtake me. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, thinking of Austin. I needed to do this for him. I couldn't face the disappointment he would have if I threw this up.

"Alan? Are you okay?" He asked softly. I could hear him getting out of his chair, walking to my side of the table.

I slowly shook my head, the churning feeling in my stomach was progressively getting worse.
My hands began to clam up, I didn't understand how I could have a reaction like this. I knew it was only food but there was a part of my mind that kept convincing me otherwise.

Soon the awful feeling began to overtake me. I slowly opened my eyes, catching a glimpse of Austins worry stricken face before using the little energy I had left to run towards the bathroom.

I fell on the floor, hands grasping the sides of the toilet while I was taken over by the familiar heaves of my body. My body was literally forcing out the food, something I’d never wanted to experience again. My skin was prickling and hot, body still stricken by the overwhelming nausea.

I felt something cold and wet on my forehead, realizing Austin had run after me. He pressed the washcloth down harder, and I silently thanked him. He slowly rubbed his hand on my back, whispering words of encouragement in my ear. I slowly felt the feeling in my stomach vanish.

I didn't dare look at Austin, I didn't want to see the disappointment on his face. I was surprised he wasn't yelling at me, I'd broken the first rule of our agreement.

"I'm sorry for disappointing you." I muttered, keeping my gaze focused on the ground.

"Look at me, Alan." Austin said softly, waiting for me to lift my head and look into his eyes.

What I saw surprised me. Instead of anger and disappointment like I expected, Austins expression showed nothing but adoration and concern.

"That was probably the first actual food you've had in what? Days? Months?" He asked, his expression unphased.

I looked down, nodding. I felt Austins fingers slip under my chin, lifting my face back up to his.

"I know you're not just going to be able to magically eat again without trouble, Alan. I would never expect that of you."

"But I thought.." I trailed off, not wanting to finish the thought. A part of me had thought it would be that way, but as always Austin was right.

"I'm so proud of you, Alan." He breathed. I looked at him, confused.

"I know you didn't keep the food down, and to be honest I wasn't expecting you to. The point is, you made that first step. You tried. And I couldn't be more proud." He smiled, a look of admiration flashing in his eyes.

I don't deserve him. I didn't deserve to be treated so well by someone so perfect. I couldn't help but wonder why he was spending his time helping me when he could be around people who deserved his company. I couldn't help but think I was missing something.

"You're wrong about that, I'm the one who doesn't deserve someone like you." He breathed.

I hadn't realized I'd said those words out loud. I wanted to believe him so badly, but I needed time. For so long, I'd been thinking the same thoughts in my head and I was struggling to change that.

"Look Alan, I read your note. I was going to wait until you were better to say this but I can't anymore." I froze in place, preparing for the worst.

My heart was beating out of my chest. I'd completely forgotten about the letter. And the thought of Austin actually reading it had never crossed my mind. I was terrified.

He took a deep breath, looking me straight in the eyes.

"I'm in love with you, Alan Ashby."

I couldn't have heard him right.

"W-what?"

Notes

Sorry this is kinda short. Tell me what you think :)