Wounds of Regret

It had been almost a month since me and Austin’s talk, and about a week since we’d gotten back from tour.

I was currently packing in a half- hearted manner, my thoughts reeling over what was about to happen. I’d decided the best thing for me was to go back to rehab, in hopes of getting my life back in order. It had worked for me before, and me and Austin had agreed it was for the best.

I was going to miss him so much.

I couldn’t help but feel terrified, even though I knew what to expect I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread. I had no idea how long I was going to be in there, alone with not one familiar face. I was worried about Austin too, hoping he wouldn’t miss me too much. I’d asked the guys to keep him busy, working on some stuff for our next album.

The time seemed to have flown by, the little hand of the clock now signaling that it was almost time to leave. As if on cue, Austin walked into my room, asking me if I was ready to go.

I unhappily replied yes, letting him carry my bags to his car. There were a lot of restrictions on what I could bring, so I’d ended up just packing a notebook, my ipod, and some clothes.

I followed Austin down to the car garage, dreading the inevitable goodbye I knew we’d have to say sooner or later. I was allowed one visitor per week, but then again I didn’t know what was going on in Austin’s mind.

The drive the the hospital was silent, except for the faint hum of the radio in the background. It wasn’t an awkward one per say, we both just didn’t know the right words to say.

I must have spaced out again, because before I knew it the passenger door was open, and Austin was resting his hand lightly on my shoulder. He looked at me expectantly, and I took that as my cue to exit the car. I quickly pulled him into a tight hug, mumbling some words here and there. I didn’t want to let go.

“I’m going to miss you so much.” I breathed, clutching onto him as if my life depended on it.

“I’ll miss you too, more than you ever know, but I promise I’ll come see you every week, okay?”

I smiled at that, feeling a bit of relief. I pulled away from Austin, ready to go into the building. He gave me a sad smile. We walked inside hand in hand, and Austin guided me to the checkin desk.
To my relief, he told them my name and what I was here for, I didn’t think I could have done it myself.

Austin and I were allowed to say our last goodbyes before the woman at the desk guided me through sterile, white, prison-like doors.

I looked back at Austin once more before the door shut, finally leaving me on my own.

The lady guided me through the building, giving me a tour and telling me the rules I had to follow. I had therapy twice a day, once with my assigned therapist and the other with a group. The facility had a pool and a game room, but I was only allowed in at certain times with the key card they’d given me. There was also a lounge type area, apparently where the patients spent most of their time.

I was informed that I’d also have a room to myself, which was also a great relief.

The woman guided me into a hallway full of offices, apparently I was going to see my new therapist. The woman stopped at one of the doors, ushering in before leaving me alone. Again.

I felt a moment of terror, before spotting a kind looking woman smiling at me from her desk. She looked to be in her mid thirties, with long, stringy, blonde hair cascading down her face. If I wasn’t gay, I might have been attracted to her. She ushered me to sit before speaking.

“Hello, you must be Alan. I’m Dr. King, I’ll be your main therapist during your stay here.”

I nodded slowly, listening to a run through of what a normal day would look like. I was familiar with most of it from the first time.

Once we were finished, I was left to my own devices for the day. I wasn't quite ready to meet the other patients, so I slipped back into my room.

It was a medium sized room, with a twin sized bed and a small dresser in the corner. The walls were painted a bare beige color, the entire room was dull. I didn't know what I was expecting, it was a psych ward after all.

I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling and getting lost in year again. I had no idea how I was going to pass the time, I missed Austin.

I needed to be here though, I reminded myself firmly. Austin would still be here when I got out. I hoped.

I sighed heavily, feeling an almost unbearable itch from some scabbed over cuts. I resisted scratching.

This was going to be a long night.

Notes

sorryyyyy