Wounds of Regret

I'd lost track of time, walking down the street in practically the middle of nowhere. Being the stupid person that I am, I never bothered to check what city we were in, and I guessed I had been walking for nearly a half hour.

I felt judgmental eyes burning into my back the longer I walked. It was understandable though, I must have looked like complete shit and I was pretty sure there was a bit of blood smeared on my clothes.

I started to realize that this had probably been a bad idea. My leg was starting to hurt like a bitch and I still felt a bit sick. The only thing I wanted at the moment was Austin to hold me in his arms and tell me everything's going to be okay.

I came to the conclusion that I may have overreacted.

I honestly didn't know what I was thinking. If I'd just stayed nothing bad would have really happened. It definitely wouldn't be as bad as this. I needed to get it in my head that my friends wanted to help me.

It was times like this where I really wished I hadn't left my phone in the charger.

I was surprised they hadn't found me yet, I knew they had to be looking. I needed to get to a phone somehow, but none of the people I'd passed seemed very inviting.

It was getting harder and harder to deal with the pain shooting down my leg, I wasn't sure if I could stand walking another step. Groaning, I practically fell down on a bench. I really needed to get ahold of the guys.

I buried my face in my hands, trying to think of what to do. I knew this moment was the last straw for me, I couldn't take feeling like this anymore. I needed to get better. I had to confess everything to Austin and finally let him help me.

But there was another part of me that wondered if Austin helping me was enough. My problems were getting out of hand and I was beginning to think about professional help. I remembered how I'd gone to rehab when I was 17. Maybe that was the answer? I simply didn't know. I needed to talk to Austin and figure all this shit out first.

I was brought back to reality when I some girl pass me on the street. This might be my only chance.

"Excuse me, this is really weird but can I borrow your phone?" The girl have me a strange look, but let me borrow it anyways.

I quickly punched in the numbers I knew by heart, hoping to god Austin would pick up.

"Hello?" A scratchy voice came out from the other end.

I almost cried out in relief.

"Oh thank god. Austin, it's Alan. I'm so sorry about what happened, I need you to pick me up."

I heard yelling from the other end, until Austin's voice came back on the line.

"Alan? Oh thank god! We've been looking for you for ages I was so worried. Just tell me where you are, babe I'll pick you up." He rushed out.

I quickly told him the street I was on before hanging up and giving the girl back her phone. I thanked her and she was on her way.

I became more conscious of how beaten up my body really was. I needed to start taking care of myself. I closed my eyes, hoping Austin would come soon.

Several minutes later I heard the bus pull up, opening my eyes to see Austin running out the door. I was so relieved to see him I felt myself start to cry.

Once he reached me, he scooped me up into his arms and gave me a giant hug. I wrapped my arms around him,clutching onto him for dear life. I never wanted to let go.

He gently grabbed the side of my face, looking me dead in the eyes.

"Never leave me like that ever again, okay?" He choked out.

"I wouldn't dream of it." I breathed, wiping away the tears from his cheeks.

We heard a loud cough from the bus door, seeing Tino staring at us awkwardly. Austin laughed and carried me back onto the bus.

We reached the bunks and I noticed how tired and stressed Austin looked. I never took into consideration how my choices affected him, how worried sick he must of been. It was then that I knew I had to get better. If not for me, then for him. I couldn't keep doing this to the both of us.

I knew what I had to do.

"Austin?" I asked softly, causing him to look up.
He hummed in response.

"Can you call a bus meeting? There's some things I need to say. To everyone." He raised his eyebrows questionably but said nothing.

Before I knew it, everyone was crowded in the back lounge, staring at me expectantly.

I wiped my sweaty hands onto my jeans, taking a shaky breath before starting.

"So there's obviously some things that need explanation. Its the least you guys deserve after all the shit I've put you through." I paused for a second, wiping my hands on my jeans again.

"You all know that I tried to kill myself, but there's been a lot of other things I've been keeping from you guys. Even Austin." He perked up at this, looking at me worriedly.

I started from the beginning, telling them about my problems in high school. I also told them about how I was forced into rehab at 17 because I was addicted to prescription drugs. And how those feelings went away before I joined the band.

I told them about how everything came back, and what led up to my suicide attempt. The room was completely silent, it was coming to the part that I dreaded most.

I told them about Alicia. I wouldn't dare look at Austin as I confessed how I'd stopped eating and started cutting again.

I looked at the ground, not brave enough to see anyone's reaction.

"And I know I can't keep living like this." I continued, shuffling awkwardly.

"I want to get better and I felt like you guys deserved to know what's going on and yeah.." I finished, looking around hesitantly.

Everyone seemed shocked, giving me incredulous looks. I finally looked at Austin, seeing nothing but pain.

Suddenly they all seemed to snap out of it, each coming up to give me a hug and tell me they'd help me in any way.

Everyone except Austin.

He seemed out of it, sitting unmoving in his chair and staring off into space. My heart dropped. I really hoped he wasn't upset. He needed to know it wasn't his fault.

When it became apparent that Austin wasn't going to snap out of it anytime soon, I announced I was going to bed and headed off towards the bunks.

I slipped into Austin's bunk, wrapping myself in blankets that were covered in his scent.

I must have drifted off to sleep, because the next minute I was waking up to a warm body pressed against me.

I snuggled closer. Austin.

He wrapped his arms around me and sighed.

"I can't believe I didn't see how much I was hurting you. I'm so sorry Alan." He sounded sad.

I shook my head, looking him straight in the eyes.

"It wasn't your fault. I swear you better not blame yourself for this. Nothing you could've done would have stopped it, my mind was just looking for a reason to slip back into old ways." I said.

He seemed to relax little from my words, grabbing my hand in his.

"And now I'm ready to get better."

Austin smiled at that, nodding and kissing me lightly.

"I love you so much." He sighed.

I laid my head on his shoulder, smiling like a mad man.

"I love you too."

Notes