Wounds of Regret

~Austin's POV~

I lay sprawled out on the floor of the bus, my limbs aching in protest. We'd finished another show about fifteen minutes ago and my body still needed time to recover. I sighed.

Finally, I decided to force myself off the ground, letting out a groan in the process. I dragged myself towards the kitchen, passing Alan who already seemed drunk. I watched in silence as he poured himself drink after drink, not noticing my presence.

Downing yet another drink, Alan finally looked up, meeting my eyes. Instead of the warm greeting I was expecting, he stared at me blankly before exiting the room.

I was starting to get really worried about him. When we left for tour he'd been doing fine, but ever since he'd been drinking practically nonstop. At random times of the day it seemed as if he disappeared, but when I asked him about it he just shrugged it off.

Alan thought he was fooling me, but I knew there had to be something wrong. I was determined to get to the bottom of it.

Suddenly remembering why I came into the kitchen in the first place, I reached to open the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water.

I was pulled back into my thoughts once I'd downed the whole bottle, deciding to go search for Alan. I just hoped he wasn't throwing up all over himself.

Making my way through the bus, I asked if anyone had seen Alan. Aaron told me he saw him heading towards the bathroom, so that's where I went.

Once I'd reached it, I knocked lightly on the door, hoping not to disturb Alan. I strained my ears, hoping to hear something, but I was met with nothing but silence. I knocked again, this time hearing a loud bang and something that sounded almost like a whimper. I started to get curious.

"Alan? Are you okay in there?" I questioned, hoping to hear a clue as to what was going on, but I was
met with nothing.

"Y-yeah I'm fine! Hold on I'll be out in a second!" He chimed, his voice sounded almost cheery.

A few seconds later, the door opened, revealing Alan. He was smiling brightly and I figured I was worried for nothing.

"Sleep in my bunk with me tonight?" I asked, hoping he would say yes.

He quickly agreed and I smiled, grabbing ahold of his hand and dragging him towards the bunks.
Not even bothering to change, I practically jumped into my bunk, pulling in him with me and wrapping my arms around him.

He relaxed into me, laying his head on my shoulder and closing his eyes. I followed suit, closing my eyes and waiting for sleep to come. We were both exhausted from the show, and it wasn't long before I felt my eyes getting heavy, slipping into a heavy sleep.


~Alan's POV~


I woke up with something heavy pressing against me. I slowly rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, looking around in confusion.

Finally starting to wake up, I noticed Austin sleeping soundly next to me. I almost smiled before remembering what happened yesterday. I buried my face in my hands, groaning.

Austin was so close to finding me out yesterday, I was shocked that he hasn't noticed there was anything wrong.

I had been in the middle of slicing my thighs open when Austin had knocked on the door. I was so scared of being outed that I'd banged my leg against the wall in panic. Most of my cuts had been ripped open but I'd had no time to clean them up. Instead, all i could do was hide my razors and open the door to meet Austin, it was a fucking miracle he hadn't noticed.

I shifted in Austin's bunk, feeling dry, crusted blood caked on my leg. There was also a bit of blood I'd left still smeared on the bathroom floor, and I hoped to god no one had seen it. I knew I had to go clean them up before anyone noticed.

Letting out a heavy sigh, I slipped out of Austin's embrace, careful not to wake him up. I quietly exited his bunk, making my way into the bathroom.

Making sure to shut the door, I pulled down my pants to inspect the damage. Fuck. It was a lot worse than I thought.

My thigh was practically drenched in dried blood, and some of the wounds were starting to puss. I felt tears prickling in my eyes so I closed them, pulling my pants back up.

I dropped down to the floor to clean up the blood, feeling an excruciating pain in my leg, it was almost like tearing. I ignored it, continuing to clean the floor until I was sure there was no trace of blood.

I pulled down my pants again, not daring to look at my leg just yet. I didn't even want to touch it, I knew it was really bad. I finally forced myself to suck it up, looking down at the mess before me. I winced, almost crying at the sight of my torn and bleeding skin. I felt so sick.

Not able to hold it in, I dragged my body to the toilet and puked my guts into the bowl. I honestly didn't know what I was throwing up anymore. It was probably the liquor.

I didn't want to live like this anymore. I wanted this feeling to stop but I didn't know how. I was stuck in this never ending cycle and I needed someone to pull me out. The terrible reality was, there was no one there to help me. No one I would allow to help me at least.

I started to hyperventilate, curling into a ball on the bathroom floor. I couldn't stop panicking so I did the only thing I knew would help. I cut.

I was so ashamed of myself. I didn't even want to know the damage I made this time. More blood was smeared across the floor and I really didn't want to clean it up. I was just so done.

The razor was still clutched in my hand when I heard some commotion from inside the bus. I froze.

My heart was beating frantically inside my chest as I prayed silently to any god that was out there.

I suddenly had a sickening realization. I'd forgotten to lock the door. My face paled, all the color seemed to be sucked out of my body. I knew I was too weak to get up and lock the door.

I started to full on panic, not wanting to face the fact that I thought I could hear someone grabbing the handle of the door.

Fuck fuck fuck. My mind was racing. I knew I was done for.

A second later the door flung open, revealing an unassuming Aaron. I watched his face drop, staring at me in complete shock. He seemed to be frozen in time, staring at me with wide, unmoving eyes. I felt the sickening feeling tugging at my stomach.

Not now, I pleaded, but to no avail.

I grabbed the sides of the toilet bowl again, emptying the rest of my stomach contents.

Aaron seemed to have snapped out of it, starting to call the rest of the band.

No, no, no. I started panicking even more. I couldn't face them. I couldn't let them see me like this. I couldn't let Austin see me like this.

I could hear footsteps getting closer to the bathroom. Making a split second decision, I used the little energy I had left. I pulled myself off the ground, pulling my pants back on and darting past Aaron. I must have caught him by surprise, because he didn't seem to react.

I saw the rest of the band entering the room, so I did the only thing I could think to do. I needed to get out.

An idea sparked in my mind.

Pulling open the bus door, I ran.

Notes