Wounds of Regret

It had been two weeks since the incident and me and Austin were currently packing for tour. Our last tour had finally been rescheduled, although I really wasn't looking forward to it I knew we had to make it up to the fans. I'd caused this whole mess in the first place.

For the past two weeks, Austin had been going out with her every other night. I shouldn't have been so jealous but I really couldn't help it. Austin was leaving me alone a lot more frequently, which helped me hide my so-called new found habits.

This was one of the huge reasons I didn't want to go back on tour. I'd be forced to live in tight quarters with five people who knew about all my problems. Most of them at least. I was going to have to be extremely careful. If Austin found out I'd be in for shit.

I continued packing, basically just throwing in anything that looked remotely clean into my suit case. Once I thought I had enough clothes, I moved on to packing toiletries. I threw in the stuff I'd bought one by one, shampoo, soap, shaving cream and - I stopped. The last thing sitting in my bag was a pack of razors I'd forgotten about buying.

Should I? I questioned, staring blankly at the pack, still sitting at the bottom of my Walmart bag. I quickly peered out my door, seeing if Austin was around.

I could hear him laughing from the living room, probably on the phone with Alicia. I bit down on my lip, hard. Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried not to think.

Making a split second decision, I threw the packet into my bag. To the normal person, it was just a harmless pack of shaving razors, but to me it was so much more. It was my guaranteed destruction.

Throwing in some few extra supplies, I was finally finished packing. Just as I was zipping my bags shut, I heard the click of a phone. The soft clicking of footsteps was getting progressively closer to my room. Sharply taking in air, I prepared a smile.

Suddenly, strong lanky arms were embracing me from behind. I felt myself being lifted up and into Austin's arms. I sighed heavily, laying my head in the crook of his neck, wishing it was always like this. We stayed like that for several seconds before I broke the embrace.

"You finished packing that fast?" He asked, looking at my luggage incredulously.

I nodded shyly and he smiled, he really had no idea what was going on with me. I almost felt bad lying to him, but I knew it was for the best. He didn't need to waste his life worrying about mine. I knew that if I gave him any hints that something was wrong, he'd drop everything to find out what it was. I couldn't have that.

I talked to Austin some more, offering to help him pack because I knew how long it usually took him. I was soon to find out why, the man could've been packing his entire house.

Once we'd finished, it was time to meet up with the rest of the guys to start tour. I said a little prayer to whoever was listening before exiting the house, Austin and my luggage in tow.

Once we’d made it to the bus, everyone except me seemed stoked. I wouldn't let myself bring them down anymore, even if I hurt myself in the process. I wouldn't let depressed Alan see the light of day, what my friends didn't know wouldn't hurt them.

Once the bus pulled out of the lot, people were already taking out drinks and popping bottles. I grabbed two beers for myself, figuring it wouldn't hurt. Maybe it would help with my new facade.

Standing up, I decided to shotgun one of the beers, feeling the cool liquid pour down my throat. I grinned a half-fake smile as my friends cheered me on in a drunken haze. I chugged down almost three more before Austin stopped me. I saw him trying to suppress a laugh as the liquid poured down my shirt.

“Holy shit man! Don’t get too drunk.” He laughed, patting me on the back in a half serious manner.

I just laughed and shrugged him off, finishing the beer that was already drizzling down my shirt. It wasn't too bad when I was like this, the alcohol slowed down my brain, making my thoughts hazy and slow. It allowed me to not have to think about all the shit I was going though.

I almost.. liked it.

Notes

sorry this is a bit shorter.. more to come!

thank you again for all the comments they really motivate me to write more :)