Wounds of Regret

"Are you sure you'll be alright, babe?" Austin asked, projecting his voice from across the house.

"Of course! Don't worry about me!" I faked the cheeriness in my voice, lying through my teeth.

Tonight Austin was ditching me for Alicia. Me and Austin were planning on watching a movie before she called, ruining our plans. Austin kept apologizing, asking if it was alright.

Of course it wasn't alright but I knew if I got in the way he would hate me. Ever since that night a week ago, he'd been texting Alicia nonstop. It made me feel useless and unwanted, but I wasn't about to get in the way of his life. I was lucky Austin even wanted to be with me in the first place, I couldn't jeopardize that. The truth was I needed him, even if he didn't return the favor.

So, I sucked it up and told him to go, that I'd be fine. That I could take care of myself on my own. That I was fine with him going off with her.

Lies, lies, lies. Everything coming out of my mouth was lies.

I plastered a fake smile onto my face as Austin came to kiss me goodbye. I was getting pretty good at acting.

Once Austin had left, I was lost. This was the first time I'd been left alone since it happened. Austin thought I'd started to eat regularly but the truth was I'd been throwing it all up since that day we saw Alicia. I felt disgusting. All it took was one look at her to realize how much better she was for Austin. She was perfect. She was stunningly beautiful, funny, smart, and skinny. Most importantly, she was sane. Everything I wasn't.

I hated every inch of my skin. I felt trapped in a body I didn't want. I wished I was Alicia. I wanted to claw, burn, even rip my skin off. Anything to punish myself for being so utterly repulsive.

I promised Austin I'd stay clean since that day. I'd already disappointed him so many times, I figured once more wouldn't make a difference. I was fooling myself; getting better was hopeless.

I made my way to the bathroom, rummaging through the cabinets for anything remotely sharp. I thought about how disappointed Austin would be when he found out.

He wouldn't find out.
I pushed all thought from my mind, finding one of Austin's spare shaving razors. I threw it on the ground, hearing the outside snap into pieces, scattering across the tile floor. I searched through the tiny shards, finding the razor intact. I picked it up, ignoring the broken shards; I'd pick them up later.

Wincing slightly, I held the razor tightly in my hand. I sat myself down in the corner, pulling up my sleeve. I looked over my clean arm for several seconds, noticing the almost invisible faded cuts that traced back to my high school days. It had been that long.

Cutting was something I'd always prided myself on having the control to completely stop, but at this point I really didn't care.

Opening my hand, I noticed little red dots springing up from my skin. I needed more. I stopped myself for a second, thinking of a place Austin would never see. I decided on my thighs, we probably wouldn't be doing anything with each other in the near future, if ever. He had the beautiful Alicia. I kicked my pants off and slowly rolled up my boxers.

I felt like crying.

Not allowing any time for second guessing, I immediately dug the blade into my skin. I cried out, relishing the sting of my skin ripping in two. I suddenly remembered why I did this in high school.
I continued placing more and more cuts on my thigh before moving onto the next leg. The more I began to cut, I realized the worse I started to feel. The sting didn't feel good. It felt miserable and terrible. I didn't distract me from feeling, it made me feel more alone.

I stopped, staring at the giant mess I'd made. I could taste salty, hot, tears spilling into my mouth; I hadn't even realized I was crying. Looking down at the array of lacerations littering my thighs, I felt myself crying even harder.

Finally, I brought myself to look at the clock, realizing Austin would be home in thirty minutes. Not letting myself think about him, I somehow managed to force myself to clean up the mess. I wrapped bloody towels into bags, throwing them into the dumpster just to be safe. He would never find out.

I dressed myself in Austin's sweatpants and a T-shirt, practicing smiling in the mirror as I waited for Austin to get home. I pushed all thoughts out my my head. I knew if I thought too much about Austin I'd break down completely. I'd let him down. I'd broken the rules.

Not much later, I heard Austin open the front door and shuffle inside the house. I tried to stop the erratic shaking in my hands.

Our eyes finally met, and he was beaming with happiness. I smiled back brightly, he seemed to have bought it. One night with Alicia had made him even happier than I ever did. It hurt so much but I knew the truth.

Austin deserved to be having the time of his life while I deserved to stay in my own personal hell. That was just the way the universe wanted it to be. Austin would soon leave me for Alicia, I didn't know if I could take the pain but I'd have to. He deserved everything.

The truth was I was simply unlovable. I needed to accept that.

Austin went on and on about his night with Alicia, beaming the whole time. I simply smiled and nodded.

I felt myself sinking.

Notes

I'm sorry I am evil