One look was all it took.

Austin's P.O.V.

I remember that first day we met, I did so many things. I was so confident about it all, I didn't want to stop doing any of it. I just had to, I thought I'd get too attached, but even the lack of contact didn't stop me from falling for him. We were laying on my bed now, I just had to ask.

"Do ya still like me?" I asked. Alan nodded. I smiled & held his hand. I love this little ginger. I'm in love. I'm just glad his feelings haven't changed.

"I just wish I could give you what you want. I wish I could feel the same way, so you'd be happy." I spoke. Alan blushed. I'm in love with Alan...ever since I met him. I just can't admit it. I can't admit to being gay.

"But I am happy. I get to be with you everyday. Even if it's not the way I want it to be." Hearing that broke my heart in a strange way.

"I'm sorry." I spoke. I was so hurt. I wasn't just sorry for not being his, I was sorry for lying & not making him happy. For not letting myself be happy. I wanna cry....I wanna learn to love without fear.

We lied down in silence for a long time. I was still holding his hand, we started another conversation. I let go of my little gingers hand & we went downstairs. My dad made us breakfast & we ate, then he went to work.

At some point we just started complimenting each other. It was nice. I got to say some of the few things I love about him.

We had started playing Xbox. I was getting kind of bored though, I mean all I really wanted to do was kiss Alan all over. I missed kissing him. I haven't felt the sweetness of his lips for so long. I've been longing for his touch, I want to kiss him, make him feel alright, make him feel loved.

"Alan..."

"Yea?" Alan asked, not looking away from the screen. I took the controller away from him, he turned around angry about to yell at me but I stopped him before he could, I smashed my lips into his, wrapping my arms around his waist. He was really caught off guard but he kissed me back, like I had hoped. Our tongues seemed to be in battle, Alan had placed his hands on my face, & then he pushed me down on the couch. I let him proceed to what he was doing.

"God, I missed those soft lips of yours." I spoke.

"Why do you do this Austin?" Alan asked.

"Do what?"

"You drive me insane. That first day we met you did so many things with me...then you stopped all together, & now you're doing it again. Austin, stop doing this, stop playing with my feelings....I love these moments we have & I can't control myself when they happen, but I don't want you to keep doing this.." Alan answered. He looked like he could cry.

"Alan...I'm sorry..."

"Stop saying sorry, if you're only gonna keep doing it again..." Alan said. He had a few tears roll down from his face now. I hated knowing how much I was hurting him.

"Alan...I...I..." I was so close to admitting. I just couldn't get the words out.

"You what?" Alan asked, crying just a little more now. I couldn't do it.

"N-nevermind...." I spoke back. I couldn't take it. I'm hurting him. That's the last thing I wanted to do. I pushed him off me & ran to the bathroom. I shut the door & started to cry. Why can't I just be proud of who I am? Why do I care so much? Why would I rather die, than be who I am?....why can't I be strong enough for him?...for myself?

"Austin..." Alan was knocking on the door. I knew he could hear me crying. I didn't respond.

"Austin, open the door...I'm sorry."Alan spoke. I ignored him & kept crying. Why did I have to be gay? Why did I have to meet him? Why did I have to fall in love with a boy? I was so frustrated with myself. I got so angry I punched the mirror on the wall. The glass shattered, falling to the floor, the sink. A lot of little pieces of glass got stuck in my hand. I didn't even care. I just watched my hand bleed. Alan didn't even knock this time, he just came in. I was on the floor crying with a bloody hand & floor with glass everywhere. Sure looked like a crime scene.

"Austin....god...here, get up." Alan spoke, he helped me up & took me to my room. Alan sat me on my bed & took out all the pieces of glass in my hand, then got some disinfectant & bandages. He wrapped the bandages all over my hand & then kissed my hand when he finished. Alan kissed my cheek, then my forehead, then my nose, then finally my lips. I was surprised that he did all this...he never makes the first move, & he just told me he wanted me to stop.

"Stay here, Austin. I'm gonna go clean up the mess in the bathroom. " Alan spoke. I let him go & after like 20 minutes he was back.

"How's your hand?" Alan asked. I couldn't speak. I was still too angry with myself. And I still don't have the courage to tell him I'm gay & I'm in love with him.

"What can I do to make you feel better?" Alan asked. I only had one answer for that.

"Kiss me." I said. Alan looked at me & thought about it. Then he leaned in, our lips attached & moved together perfectly. Then he pulled away.

"Austin....do you like me?" Alan asked, his lips not too far away. His forehead was on mine & I felt like I would have a panic attack. "Please tell me so I know it's not just me being crazy." Alan was begging me. "I'll keep it a secret if that's what you want...just tell me please. You're killing me."

"I don't like you, Alan." I responded. Alan's face fell & he looked down, looking more hurt than ever. I lifted his chin up & kissed him.

"I'm in love with you...." I whispered. Alan froze. I repeated it again. "I'm in love with you, Alan. I always have been. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to admit....I just....I'm afraid it might get out & everyone'll hate me..I'm not supposed to be gay." I finally admitted.

"You love me?" Alan asked.

"Yes, I love you." I responded.

"I've waited so long to hear that....I won't tell anyone, I promise. I love you too, Austin...." Alan replied.

Notes

I really didn't want to wait too long for him to admit it, it's been a whole month cx but I have so much ideas for this story, i couldn't wait.

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