My brother and I lean against each other as we stand in front of our father's casket, looking down at him. My arm is wrapped around Jake's back and I stand in silence close at his side. I came in here with him so he could see dad. He hasn't seen him in years and the only time he got to talk to him was when he was allowed to send letters home.

I know how horrible Jake feels to have came home from serving to find out his father is dead... just like that. And I know how throughout his whole life, I've only seen him cry barely a few times, all mostly when he was a kid. Even when he was in immense pain he never cried. He was a 'strong, manly military man'... So you can imagine how much it broke my heart when I started to feel his body softly shaking against mine.

I had to look up to him to see if he was really crying, to see if it was real, which it was. He brought his hand up to cover his eyes while his head bowed down. It wasn't a loud cry or an outrageous sob, but silent and mournful.

I could feel his sadness so I stepped in front of him to properly wrap my arms around him. We weren't the most affectionate siblings, but he let me close to him and clung to me. His chin rested on the top of my head while his hands were still up and covering his face. We rocked to the side back and forth a bit, our sadness running through each other.

My face was stuck in a sad frown as it was pressed into my brothers shirt that smelled like him. I could easily feel the sadness pump through my veins. This morning has been terribly painful and it's even worse to know that it's evenly as hard for the ones I love. We are all so heavily mourning our father that its emotionally exhausting. Even the strong are falling.

But we still stay in our father's presence. As if to make up for the time we weren't because this is the last time we can ever be with him. Like this at least.

We mourn and think of him together.

After a bit, my brother's body slowly stopped shaking and he wasn't crying any longer, but we still stayed rocking each other. He brought his arms down to return the embrace, his arms wrapping me into him.

"I think the last time I cried in front of a person, let alone you, was in like fifth grade," Jake said, his voice still hoarse as he attempted to light up the atmosphere. "So be lucky, little sis."

I sniffed and nodded against his chest, a light chuckle coming out through my sadness-laced throat. "When dad took your gameboy away because you kicked dirt in my mouth," I remembered. That memory has always stuck with me for some reason.

Jake chuckled my same, whimpy chuckle, his chest rumbling. "I was two levels away from beating my game. That's why Pop took it. He knew my weaknesses."

I smiled slightly as we remembered dad. "Maybe you shouldn't have kicked dirt in my mouth then. Dad had all the right reasons to take it," I tease.

"You were being a brat and wouldn't let me take my turn on the swing. I had all the right reasons, too," he joked back. I leaned away from him and brought my hand up to pinch his arm, making him quickly reach up and rub the small pain away.

"Ow, brat," he said, a smile on his face as he looked down at me. I reciprocated his small grin, happy that my brother was here and that we were back to our normal play-fighting that as siblings, we always used to do.

"Jerk," I smile back before we wrap each other up in a hug again.

We fall into silence again, leaning against each other.

"I tried to make up for kicking dirt into your mouth, anyway. I felt bad," Jake broke the silence quietly. It was like he was just remembering, thinking to himself.

The corners of my lips widened into a sad and partially happy smile as I remembered that part, too. "You came into my room when dad fell asleep and woke me up, telling me we were going outside so I could kick dirt in your mouth to make it even," I smiled. "I thought you were so stupid."

Jake nodded. "And I had to piggyback you all the way out there because you were too tired to walk, apparently," we both laughed. "And then it all turned out to be a bad idea because you were afraid of the dark. You thought some monsters were going to come and eat us so I had to take you back inside before you started crying."

We both chuckled, thinking back to this one memory so long ago. Jake was forgetting one, important part though. "But you still tried to sneak me some ice cream from the freezer," I said softly. He was always doing his best to take care of me somehow. "Even though dad ended up hearing us and we both got caught."

Jake now laughed, remembering. "Oh yeah. But instead of yelling at us, he just stared at us; frozen like deer in headlights. I thought I was in so much trouble."

"But then he just bursted out into laughter and got us bowls for our ice cream. We stayed up all night with him eating a gallon of it and watching you try to beat your game," I smiled lightly at the fond memory.

Jake sighed, resting his chin on the top of my head. "He was the best," he said.

I squeezed my eyes shut and nodded. "I'm gona miss him so much," I whispered, my voice slightly cracking.

"Me too." Jake admitted.

I shifted and reached my hand out to rest on the top of my dad's, Jake stepping closer to him as well. Our light and free moment just had left, being replaced by heavy, sad air. A lump of tears formed in my throat and I had to swallow it down because I didn't want to cry again. I leaned my head against the side of Jake's arm instead.

"It's okay, little sis," Jake reassured like he always did. "He's right here. He always will be.."

---

After Jake and I spent our time alone with our dad, I led him into the reception room that everyone else was in. Besides Syd, of course. She is still missing.

I ignored the sharp pain that thinking of what happened with Syd brought up and focused on something else, like Jake. He seemed to get a little bit more anxious as we walked into the room, nervously fixing his jacked and rubbing his palms together. I looked at him in silent confusion, wondering what was wrong. He never has been one to get shy or nervous around people. He's always been one of those people persons that everybody naturally likes.

I didn't speak anything of it though, not wanting to make him anymore uncomfortable.

We walked closer to the side of the room that had multiple benches and chairs filled up with people. Sammy sat on the far left next to the rest of my band and making quiet, small chatter with the Bring Me guys who were next to them. Jason was next, looking at something on Tino's phone with him while the rest of the Of Mice guys were sitting in chairs they pulled over. Austin sat to the far right, sitting quietly and not talking to anyone. His chin was resting in his hand and it seemed as if he was thinking, but when he sensed my presence, his head shot up and he quickly stood.

I met his eyes and he sent a soft smile, which I tried to return. "Hey," he said. It was so simple, so normal, but neither of us could think of anything else to say.

Everyone else heard him and quickly looked up to see Jake and I. Alan, who was picking at the cheese cubes on the table, spun around and looked at me with slightly wider eyes that quickly softened.

I looked around, avoiding the tables that had assorted drinks and small snacks on them. They were here for people that were visiting, but also for ones like me that were going to be here all day.

"Hey guys," I say as lightly as I can, my voice quiet. Everyone smiles a small smile at me, to either reassure or just to be sympathetic, I'm not sure. "This is my brother, Jake," I pointed to my brother who had slightly clenched fists and a tight jaw. I watched as he tried to put on a normal smile.

"An honor to meet you, man," Tino is the first to speak, standing up from his seat and coming over to hold out his hand. Jake smiles through whatever is going on with him and shakes his hand. "I'm Tino."

"Honor's mine," My brother says, using his friendly charm. He shakes hands with each person to meet them and I just stand, watching and listening to how everybody introduced themselves.

I barely notice that Austin walked from his chair over to me, standing next to me with his hands in his pockets and his head slightly bowed to look at me. I could feel his gaze, but I didn't meet it, I couldn't. I don't know what I'd do, if it be stupid or crazy. Maybe I'd cry, maybe I'd kiss him like he did me earlier... Maybe I'd tell him I love all he's done for me...

Instead I just silently lean my body to the side and rest it against his, my head falling onto his upper arm just like it had on Jake's.

We stood like this, quietly, Austin giving me a lot more support than he's aware of. There was so much I wanted to say, so much we needed to, but I kept quiet like even though I was leaning on him, he wasn't there.

We watched Jake meet and talk with all my best friends. It made my cold, frail heart get the smallest amount of warmth. Not only is my brother here, but the rest of my 'family', too.

I'd don't know what I'd do with out them.

---

"Thank you so much for coming," I say, forcing a pleasant smile on my face as I hug my great aunt. I can't tell you how many times I've had to fake a smile, or fake that I'm alright, because I'm the host. It's getting to the point where it hurts to try. I'm so fucking exhausted and tired of pretending.

But I have to do it, for my dad at least. And for all the people that came to pay their respect, which is a lot since everyone loved my dad.

But out of all those people, my mom was never one. She hasn't showed and I have a feeling she won't.

How could she do this to him? To us? How could Syd compare me to her?

I can't even start to have a clue. All I know is that I'm exhausted and I can't do this anymore. Sure, it's been great to see some distant family members and some old family friends, but I feel like I'm running on my reserved battery power.

It's been hours now that I've been here... well, that everyone's been here. I couldn't be more thankful or glad that they all came and stayed with me. They're the best of friends. They never left me alone or let me get too bored or lonely. They were always here to entertain me or make me feel better.

Like when Tino and Matt N. tried to see how many cheese cubes they could fit in their mouths to make me smile or when Aaron stood with me while I was greeting people and started chatting with them all so I didn't have to and pretend to be okay while speaking with them. Even when Oli started to tell me funny stories about his cray dog, Oskar, when were waiting around. And then there was always Austin who stayed close enough to me throughout the day, acting as support that was always ready to catch me if I needed to fall.

But I'm proud that I didn't fall. There was a close call, halfway through the day when everything was getting to my head and eating or drinking nothing all day didn't help.. But all the boys (and Izzy) noticed and made me chill out while they ran to get me food. Jake took over the hosting part and Jason and the Bring Me the Horizon guys kept me company while we waited.

They all tried to make the day as best as it could be, if it could even have a 'best'.

I didn't want them to leave, so when they said they'd all sleep in the buses they came down here tonight before heading back to the tour tomorrow, I made them agree to come back to my house to get a better sleep. They tried to say they didn't want to intrude and pack the house up, but I wouldn't let them say no. They were so good to me that they deserved to get a real sleep instead of freezing their asses off in those tiny bunks.

I just wanted to do something for the people that have done so much for me..

"Haze... Haze," I heard Alan's voice whisper to me. It sounded so far away and I realized it was because I was in a sleep-like state. When I decided that I want to stay in this state, I turned away from his voice and removed my head from his shoulder to rest on the one on my other side. I could tell by the sent that it was Austin's, and because I vaguely remember sitting next to him while we waited for everyone to get their coats.

"Is she asleep?" Another voice carefully whispered and I recognized it as my brother's.

I now felt fingers brush the hair that had fallen into my face back, they felt good and I sighed out sleepily. "Close to it," Austin's raspy voice say, sounding like a sweet lullaby. I wish it would just put me to sleep already because I need to get out of this nightmare that's been dragging me down all day and get some peace.

"Are they ready?" Alan asks.

"Yeah, I pulled the car up, too. We're all ready to go." Jake informed them. "But don't wake her up, let her get some sleep, she's got to be exhausted."

"I've got her," Austin says, his voice closer than the rest. The words put my mind at ease, making me feel safer, just like when he shifts and leans down to pick me up. He's got me.

He holds me to is chest bridal style as he starts to walk and I curl into his chest. I have a moment where a rush of sadness hits my chest and takes away my breath because I realize that I'll never physically be able to see my dad again. I said my goodbye before we sat down, but I still feel overwhelmed with sadness.

"Austin," I call his name out in a sleepy breath, a yawn coming straight after.

"We'll be home soon, Hazel," he whispers lightly down to me. I accept that, feeling too tired to say anything else.

I can tell when we got outside because instantly, the freezing cold air pricked at my skin. I didn't have my jacket on, so Austin held me closer to his chest and picked up speed to get to the car. But by the time we got there, I was shivering and covered in goosebumps.

Austin opened the back door for me and carefully put me inside. I stayed laying down, trying to find warmth in the backseat while Austin took my jacket and his jacket to lay over me. "I'll turn the heat on, alright?" He said, seeming a little worried.

"Stay with me," I mumble out, off topic but not wanting to be left alone back here. He's been here for me so much that I was starting to want him next to me always. He's one of the only ones who can make me feel safe and supported. He makes me feel better and the feeling of always wanting to be near him that I felt when we were dating has returned, but it's grown roots and become more intense because of all he's done for me lately. And if that means one thing, it's probably that I'm not mad at him anymore. When I "hated him" I wanted to be no where near him, but now he's the one I want by my side again. I forgave him.

"I've got to drive, Haze. Alan will stay with you, okay?" He says, seeming a little down that he had to drive. I'm too tired to argue so I simply nod and curl into the jackets laid on me. "Okay," I mumble.

Before Austin shut the door, he reached into the front seat to grab something. When he gave me my stuffed bear, I sighed in content and wrapped it in my arms, but didn't fail to grab onto his hand. It was much warmer than mine and his skin was smooth on mine. It made me think of all the times we held hands, or when he touched me, always careful and gentle over my skin. It made me think of a lot of things and with my eyes drooping and my mind cloudy with sleep, I say what is in my head.

"I forgive you," I mumble, my voice laced in sleep. "I forgive you, Austin..." I yawn before drifting off and turning to curl into the backseat on my side, releasing his hand. "For everything.."

Notes

Oh my god, I am so sorry. I can't express how terrible I feel for it being this long since I update. I'm not going to give any excuse because I feel so bad and don't even know what happened. I just got lost and absorbed in life and drifted away from this story. I haven't even had time to open my computer things have been so crazy.

I know this chapter isn't much and it may be choppy because I was having a hard time getting back into the flow of things, but I needed to get something up for you guys, even if it's a filler! Thank you so much for sticking with me and commenting and being so patient<3 you guys are the best and all I ever want to do is please you all!

I'm going to do my absolute best to update soon and keep a good pace with it, but life is so hectic it may be all over the place! But I know where I want the next few chapters of this story to go and I'm determined to get there!

Let me know what you guys think, about Austin and Hazel, or her brother, or all her friends or whatever! What do you like, what do you think will happen? Thank you so much and I'm so sorry again! <333

I hope all of your guys' lives have been going good:)