The ride home I never fully was able to fall asleep and stay that way. I drifted off a few times, dipping in and out of sleep, but I couldn't find peace. I was left feeling like I was drugged, my mind trying to battle, but having no life left to get there.

I had my head resting in Alan's lap, using his legs as pillows while I laid curled against the back seat. Alan drew circles on my back the whole ride home, trying to keep me comfortable and maybe even help me fall asleep. But even warm next to him, I wasn't able to get fully there. Especially not when my brother and Austin's quiet conversation filled the air and I couldn't help but try to listen.

"How did you guys meet Hazel?" My brother asked, breaking dense silence, his voice barely above a whisper to not bother me.

Austin lightly cleared his throat. "On a tour last summer, both our bands were on it."

"You're both in a band as well?" My brother shifted in his seat, he seemed almost skeptical about it.

"Yeah.. uh, the same one," Austin seemed a little nervous talking, like my brother was making the final judgement of if he was good enough.

"Is everyone she's friends with in a band?" My brother asked rhetorically, laughing in stale amusement because I could tell it worried him. Silence followed after he spoke and I could only imagine Austin scratching the back of his neck like he does when he's nervous.

"Is she safe?" Jake broke the loud silence with a quiet voice after a while.

"One hundred percent," Austin said with confidence. "None of us would let anything hurt her."

My brother seemed to accept that answer because silence wrapped around everyone in the car again. The soft hum of the engine was the only thing to be heard along when Austin used the blinker. He made a few turns and my eyes drooped until Jake spoke up again as the car sat at a red light.

"You're her boyfriend, aren't you?" Jake curiously accused Austin after a while, his voice still quiet. My heart got weary at the question, feeling a little sad. Jake doesn't know anything about Austin and I, and as the protective brother he is, I'm not sure I want him to.

"Uhm," Austin started, seeming hesitant. "No, actually.." There was a slight sadness in his tone, I could hear it, even as he spoke so quietly.

"Oh," Jake nodded simply, letting it settle in. "Sorry, it just seems like it. With the way you look at her and the way she's attached to you..." Jake trailed off. "But I guess Hazel doesn't normally get attached to people like she has you guys, anyway."

Austin nodded, his tight posture showing that his head is thinking a thousand different things. I wanted to know what, but I couldn't tell as easily as I used to. He's better and keeping himself closed off, which makes me sad, but I guess I've done the same exact thing, too.

I watch with half open eyes as Jake wrings his hands together and turns to gaze out the window. It makes me angry that I can't really figure out what he's thinking either. He's got the perfect poker face, always has, and it gets harder and harder to see through each time.

"We, uh.." Austin clears his throat. "We used to be together."

I was not expecting Austin to tell him that, and neither was Jake because his head quickly turned to look away from the window and over to Austin. If I wasn't half asleep and so damned tired I'd do something to make sure that Austin didn't tell Jake about our Jelly Bean, because if he did.. it wouldn't go down well. Jake is very protective and won't take any of it well... The fact that his little sister got pregnant is enough for him to kill Austin, not to mention everything else Austin did.

"But uhm..." Austin stumbled around his words. He's a good honest man and I know he'd feel bad if he didn't tell Jake, even if it means getting disliked by my brother. "I hurt her," he admitted, his voice very, very quiet. It was sad and sorrowful, leaving a stinging silence after it. My brother didn't respond, he just continued looking at Austin with the same poker face he probably had on before he went into battle. "I was stupid and awful and..." Austin shook his head. "I don't have any excuses, but I'm never going to stop trying to make it up to her, even with her forgiveness."

Austin's voice was so soft and I wanted to tell him it was okay, I do forgive him. I may be crazy for it and he may have drove me absolutely crazy, but I do. He's the one person I can't hold a grudge against... he's my person.

My brother turned his head to look out of the front windshield, not having a response for Austin. It's hard to know if he's sad or angry or just fine, but the silence was intense and I could feel the end of the conversation.

All their words echoed in my head and even though they were disturbing my mind, I was thankful that I was too exhausted to be troubled by the agonizing thoughts of my dad and instead had these ones. My dad's were there, they always will be, but they were so painful they just pushed me closer to sleep.

I sighed out a breath and turned to my other side, curling into Alan's warmth. He moved my hair out of my face when I got comfortable again before continuing to draw patterns on my back and upper arms. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, trying to push everything back, but nothing would fit.

There is no more room in my mind to push anything away. It's all filled to a rim with things I wish I could escape..

*

Fighting with sleep, I felt the car roll softly to a stop. I didn't quite process the fact that we must have returned home if Austin was parking the car and people were moving. I was too tired. But I put the pieces together when the back door was opened.

I lifted my hands up to rub my eyes for a moment, squeezing my bear with my arms as I slowly sat up, freeing Alan. He made sure I was sitting and stable before he started to move from his spot.

"Want me to make you some hot chocolate?" Alan asked me softly as he sat up as well. When he stayed with us, we'd always stay up and drink hot cocoa with my dad and sister, so my heart stung. But since it's a comforting drink, and I want to be somehow comforted by my dad, I looked at Alan and nodded softly, to which he smiled a small smile at and quickly kissed the side of my head. "I'll meet you inside."

He slid out of the other side of the car and I turned back to my door that was open. I scooted further to the edge of the seat to see Austin standing outside by my door. He seemed like he was about to bend down to get me, but was stopped by something and was looking behind him. I heard him and my brother's soft voices again.

"She's my little sister and is one of the only things I've got left now. I'm not around to make sure she doesn't get hurt anymore," Jake says, accusing Austin of hurting me with his response for the earlier conversation, he didn't like it. "But I trust her judgement and if she forgives you, then what happened was forgivable. But if you hurt her again and I find out about it..."

"I'll never hurt her again," Austin stated quickly, not needing him to finish.

There was silence that seemed to also be acceptable, but before anything else could be said, headlights rolled down the street and the tour busses drove up. They parked down the street away from the houses.

"I suppose you're going to help my sister?" Jake asked Austin, I could tell he wanted to do it, but wasn't going to make Austin leave. Like he said, he trusted my judgement, and if I was okay with Austin, he was okay with it.

Austin nodded. "I'll go help them find the house," Jake agreed and I could hear his footsteps disappear towards the buses.

My mind was heavy as silence came back, besides Austin's small sigh. I was thinking so much about everything. My dad, my brother, Austin.. I had so much causing me pain and stress and confusion that the wheels in my head had smoke coming out of their motors.

I watched Austin's legs as they turned and he bent down, his face quickly turning into surprise when he saw me already sitting up and looking back at him. He wasn't expecting me to be up, but sighed again and squatted down outside of the car, facing me with his head gazing up at mine.

His eyes were large and deep brown, surrounded by creased skin from worries and stress. His face wasn't in his sparkly, joyful smile or expression it had always seemed to be in all summer, it was duller. It was matured and exhausted. But his eyes were soft as they looked into mine and as both of his hands reached up to grab mine.

My teddy bear was tucked between my side and my elbow, allowing my hands to be free to slide into Austin's. They seemed so small compared to his large, warm ones, but they fit safely.

As Austin looked up to me with big, intense eyes and held my hands for all of my attention, everything was heavy. The air lightly blew my hair around and the night had a soft glow from the lights of my house, but neither of us paid any mind to that. Something was on Austin's mind, lots of things were on mine.

But then through the heavy silence, Austin's eyes held a message that his mouth said aloud. "Thank you," he said, his voice quiet and soft. His words joined with the wind and blew right at me, hitting me with a small force that blew my hair back.

I knew why he was thanking me. He's thanking me for forgiving him because in whatever type of relationship we have now, it's the biggest and best gift for us both. We've gone from love to rock bottom and even to 'hating' each other, being nasty, but the one thing that's held us back was forgiveness. He's thanking me for letting him back into my life again, like really letting him. He's thanking me for not holding him up as the monster like he has been and still is for what he did.

I didn't say anything in response, I just looked down at him, watching as the short strands of his hair rattled in the wind. There was nothing I needed to say, nothing I could in this intense moment. Instead it was just Austin using his leverage on my hands to help me up because that's what he does; it's what he's been doing. I should be thanking him.

Austin reached behind me into the car to grab his suit jacket that was once a blanket for me, shutting the car door after. When he stood back up, he gently draped the jacket over my shoulders to keep me warm, his hands brushing against my cool skin as he did, making more goosebumps rise. I grabbed the edges of the jacket and wrapped it tighter around me with my teddy bear as he let go and locked the car. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he did

Before heading into the house, we waited for my brother and all our friends to come back from the tour busses. When they did I was swarmed with warm hugs again and lots of 'thank you's for letting everyone stay with me. It made me want to smile a bit.

Tino and Oli were both on each side of me as we walked into my house, taking the place of Austin who was separated from me and each having one of their arms draped over my shoulder. "I haven't been in your house since forever ago, Starr," Oli says with his thick accent, talking like if he spoke too loud or said something wrong, I'd shatter like glass. Oli and I go way back, of course, so he's been here a few times before, but not many because I lived with Mark or Sammy at most of those times.

"I'm excited to see what the everyday life in the home of Hazel is like," Tino smiled, squeezing my shoulder a bit. I tried to smile warmly back at them, but found it hard because all I could think of was how he'll never be able to see what everyday life was because my dad isn't here.

Arriving into the house, everyone started to make themselves at home, but I still felt heavily saddened and out of place in my own home without my father nor my sister here. But at least I have my brother.

Speaking of my brother, he had his hand placed on his chest, over his heart, as he came home for the first time in what must feel like forever. I directed everyone into the living room and kitchen, but stayed behind in the foyer, watching my brother as he slowly took everything in. His posture was tense and straight, just like his poker face, making it difficult to read again. He had beyond mastered that tuff, army face and posture, which showed off none of the emotion raging in his head.

I let Jake have his moment, but when he walked down the hallway to where I was standing, I looked up at him with sad, tired eyes, begging for an entrance into his head. "I'm going to go unpack my bag upstairs," he said, not giving me any hints, but I caught him glancing to the kitchen where all the people were in. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, sensing that he was trying to get away from all of them.

I didn't have time to respond before Jake was turning and starting his march to the stairs. "Jacob," I demand his full name, getting him to stop. He tilted his head slightly to acknowledge that he heard me, but didn't make eye contact. "Is everything... okay?" I ask in a breath. Not emotionally I ask, because that's a stupid question, but I've noticed things all day. Wether it's been how odd he was acting around people when he's normally friendly, the nervousness, the wringing of his hands, tensing of his jaw, and now him avoiding all people, even me...

I watch as he glances to the kitchen again before back at me, then turning his head away again. "We can talk later, sis."

With that he walked away to head up the stairs and I felt a frown take over my face, but there was nothing I could do. Something was wrong with my brother, but hell, something is wrong with us all. Maybe he's just mourning.

I stayed watching him go up to the top of the stairs, and even after I just stood there, looking at the empty staircase, my body frozen from waves of sadness.

"Haze," my name was called, getting me to turn around, squeezing my bear and Austin's good smelling jacket to my body. I saw Alan, standing with his arms crossed and a soft look on his face at the end of the foyer as my eyes met his. I sighed when I saw him and started walking closer to him, my head hanging low.

When I got to him, he uncrossed his arms and wrapped them around me, allowing me to lean into his chest, my eyes closing and my breath coming out loudly as I push it tiredly out of my lungs.

With each hug I got, it made me want to cry even more. I'm not sure why, but the support makes me want to cry because it reminds me of why I need support and that I'm utterly empty and sad.

But I don't cry, I just sniffle it away and lift my head up from Alan's chest to look up at him. He smiles down at me. "Do you want to be alone or come hang out with everyone?" He asks.

I have to think about the question for a bit, really wishing I could curl up and sink into my bed and never talk to anyone, but then I think of all the people in there that could make me feel slightly better and pull me out of this dark depression I'm slipping into.

Of course the first option sounds better at this point, but if anything, I need to host my friends I've brought into my home. It's what I've been doing all day, but it's one thing to focus on and shut the rest down with.

"I'll hang out," I say lightly, making Alan smile warmly at me and put an arm around my shoulders, turning me to lead me into the kitchen. People sat around the table and in the living room, chatting and chilling.

It was normal and easy and it made me happy to see everyone at ease and making themselves at home.

Alan and I walked into the kitchen, him leading me towards the counter where the hot cocoa was. "Homemade with a special touch of Alan loove," Alan said as he handed it to me, excited that he made it.

I had to let go of the edges of Austin's jacket to take the drink from Alan, the warmth spreading through my hands quickly. I sipped on it as I went to the living room with Alan behind me, my eyes searching for Austin without my head even realizing they were. He sat in the love seat across from the spot on the couch I was currently moving to sit in. Aaron sat on the arm of the love chair, leaning back and talking with Austin who's eyes I could feel on me.

The spot on the couch I sat in was between Jason and Tino, who both gave me warm welcomes, not failing to try and immediately make me turn my frown upside down. I think they knew that their success rate wasn't going to be high, so they weren't offended or affected when I struggled to smile back at them.

---

After hours of all my best friends... family... kept me company, kept my mind off things, and kept me out of my dark place; everyone was starting to get very tired. I was curled up next to Jason, my knees tucked up by my chest as I wrapped myself in a ball under the blanket Aaron covered me up in. My head was on Jason's shoulder and Tino was drawing letters on my back.

Everyone was comfortable in some way, somewhere, keeping warm and enjoying the company. I did my best to enjoy it as well, especially when the Bring Me boys started to be our silly entertainment for the night, but I couldn't seem to numb the urge to scream or sob or sink into the couch.

None I did, but eventually I needed to be alone. I wanted to hangout more and sleep around everyone else, but at the same time I couldn't take it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love them all to death and invited them here to stay for many reasons, but I need alone time. And I need to check on my brother.

When I announced quietly that I was going to head to bed, everyone turned their attention on to me and decided to each give me a goodnight hug. I loved each one, but at the same time each one made me want to break down and cry.

Out of all the hugs, Jason's and Alan's were the tightest, but Aaron and Matt N's were the warmest. But out of all of them, there was one that felt the best. One that held much more than a goodnight hug.

Everyone watched us as it became Austin's turn. They all were silent, not nearly knowing what to expect, but knowing fairly well that something has changed between us. Especially when Austin leaned down and wrapped me tightly in his embrace, my frame molding to his and my arms squeezing around his torso.

It was an Austin hug.

One I've only had so many of, but ones that always seem to give me a stronger backbone. One's that make me feel better.

But this time, it wasn't that easy to make me feel better. I stood on my tiptoes and buried my head into his neck, my hands gripping onto his shirt so tightly my hands shook. He held me for as long as he could, but in this room with everyone and in whatever relationship we are in currently, he couldn't hold me as long as either of us wanted.

I had to let go, dropping back onto my feet and stepping away. Austin didn't remove his eyes from me once as I broke away from our emotional tension and finished giving everyone a goodnight hug.

I met his eyes as I started to exit the room, everyone calling out their final goodnight and 'love you, Hazel', but had to break away from them when I turned to head to the stairs. There was a small part of me that wished he would have followed.

I held my bear tightly as I went up the stairs, heading to Jake's old room before I even thought about going into my own. I knocked on his door lightly as I stood in front of it, waiting for a response that I never got.

I knocked once more, but after not getting an answer, I creaked the door open to peek in. He lay on his old bed, flat on his back with one hand on his chest and one hand at his side. He was asleep, but seemed very stiff. Also, his light was still on and he was still wearing his clothes from today, so he probably didn't mean to fall asleep.

I decided I'd wake him up to keep him from that uncomfortable position and to actually get himself ready for bed. Walking over to his bed, I realized how long it's been since I've been in his room, but it still seems the same as always. Even his old hockey trophies were in the same place.

"Jake,' I say lightly as I get to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. I shake him just barely a little bit "Jakey-" I barely get his name out of my mouth before he springs up in panic, his hands coming to shove me backwards away from him harshly.

I stumble backwards and collide into the wall next to his bed as he quickly grabs something under his pillow and shoots upwards, his face slightly crazed.

My eyes are wide and I look at him with fear. He huffs and holds tightly onto a small knife as he looks at me, like he's ready to protect himself and take action. Slowly, but surely, recognition of who I am and where he is comes over him as he fully awakens. When he shakes everything off, his face controls into a look of guilt and fear and he quickly drops the knife and jumps off his bed to come over to me.

Still slightly afraid, I press myself into the wall as he comes to me. "I'm so sorry, sis," he rushed out of his mouth. "Did I hurt you?"

I shake my head no, my fear slipping away when I hear and see him back at normal. "No," I now say aloud, my voice slightly cracking. "Jakey, what just happened?"

"I-I'm..." he shakes his head, not giving me anything. "I thought you were someone else."

I grow confused. "Who would-" I cut myself off when it hits me. "You thought I was going to hurt you.."

Jake sighs and moves to sit on the edge of his bed, his head bowing down. I look at him with worried eyes before moving away from the wall and going to sit next to him. "No one here is going to hurt you," I state lightly, wanting him to relax.

His body stays tense. "But out there... Everyone wants to hurt you," he says with a cold voice. My heart drops slightly and my mouth hangs open. "You see everyone getting hurt and you don't know when you will be next."

I gulp, my throat dry. I know what he's saying. He may not, but I know all his words define his anxiety disorder that seving must have given him. It explains why he's been so weird and different since he's been back. "Jacob," I nearly whisper.

He sighs. "Out there, I've got my jobs to do. I've got my routine and I know all the weakness and safety zones of where we are stationed, but here... here I've got nothing. I don't know any of these people and these places have become foreign. It's not safe."

It hurts to hear him say our home is foreign, but I know what he means. But I also know what PTSD is. "It is safe here, Jake. It's not Afghanistan here."

Again, he sighs. "You've got to understand, Haze," he turns his head to look at me. "Things are different out there."

"Things are different here," I cut in.

"They are," he agrees.

"Come home," I say, barely above a whisper. I start to think about how much I miss my big brother and how unsafe he is out there, making tears start to feel thick in my throat. "Jake, come home," my voice cracks.

This time when he sighs, it is saddened. He reaches his arm out to wrap around my shoulders and pull me into him. "I want you here," I struggle to keep my composure. "I don't want you there, I want you to be here."

"I want to be with you, too, Haze. I want to be with my family, but this is who I am. This is what I do," he states.

"I've already lost Syd, I can't be on my own. Not without dad," I cry a bit.

"You're not on your own," he says. "Our house full of people seconds that," he tries to tease, trying to get me to lighten up and feel better about things. "You've got the kid with the ginger hair, and the guy with that beard, and all those guys with the crazy accents," he starts to list off. He wants me to feel better, and it sort of works. I barely laugh through my sadness. "And that one guy we need to have a talk about."

"That one guy?" I ask teasingly, even though I already know who it probably is.

"Yep. That one guy that needs to keep his hands off my little sister," he says promptly.

"No one's got their hands on me, Jake," I say lightly back, a little amused.

"Well," he starts, at loss of an argument for a moment. "Then he needs to keep his eyes off of you."

"He isn't like Mark, Jake, you don't have to worry about him," I say, Jake's face instantly contorting into disgust and hatred at the name.

"He better not be or I swear I-"

"He's not," I cut him off before he can get too worked up.

"He hurt you," Jake stated.

"Not like that, Jacob, you know he would never hurt me like that," I state.

Jake sighs and bows his head, knowing I'm right. "I still don't trust him. I don't think he can keep you safe, not like we could." I know when he says 'we' he's talking about dad and him. They were my protectors. Especially my brother, ever since I was a little girl he was very overprotective of me. No one was good enough for me to have around according to him and he was always there to watch over me at school.

A frown took over my face both at what he said about Austin and about my dad not being here to protect me anymore. "He's done more for me than you think. He's kept me safe," I whisper, thinking back to Dom and the evil in his eyes.

"Has he?" Jake asked rhetorically with a slight scoff.

"Jake, things aren't like Afghanistan here. I don't need to be protected from enemies or threats or anything dangerous like that," I say softly. "But either way, I trust Austin with my life." It was hard to believe the words that just came out of my mouth after everything that has happened to us, but at the same time it was the easiest thing to admit. Even when we "hated" each other, I still knew deep down that he would never let something happen to me if it came to it. That I was still in somehow his just like he was mine. And that became true when he kept Dom from me.

"I don't know what's worse," Jake starts, huffing out a breath after absorbing my words. "Not being able to protect you from the world, or not being able to protect you from guys."

I push a breath lightly out of my nose as if to laugh, but still knowing he's serious and worried. "No one protects me better than you, Jake," I assure.

He sighs and squeezes my shoulder. "That's why I'm worried."

I opened my mouth to tell him not to worry, but something in my mind stopped me from saying it. I wish I could put his mind at a bit more ease, or at least try to, but now I know that with everything that is happening and will happen, there has never been a better time for someone to worry about me..

Notes

I love you, I love you, I love you!!

Seriously, you guys rule. You've stuck with me as my updates have gotten worse and worse and the time frame has taken longer and longer and I'm so appreciative. My life has been really really shitty this past month or two and I've never been more busy in my whole existence. I'm practically drowning in it all and I so badly have just wanted to relax and write, but I couldn't seem to get there. But the little comments and messages and the 30 VOTES!! have made me smile and get me working harder to update. So thank you and I am so sorry for taking so long!

I do not like this chapter at all, like it's one of my least favorites because I feel it's so boring and pointless. I feel like I'm getting everything wrong and my writing feels off! but there was a few things I wanted to add and mention and I needed this filler to just be a filler. I'm going to work on the next chapter that I already have inspiration for tonight and tomorrow and I am determined to get that one up soon. That one should be much better.

So I'm sorry if this chapter is super rough and feel free to talk to me about it or ask questions, but thank you so much for all the support on this! I will do my best to update very soon!:)<3