With Me Tonight
The Viewing
Austin's pov:
It is the day of the funeral. Or more so the viewing.
Eggshells had been laid around Hazel on the floor, following her everywhere she went and making me have to carefully step on them, trying not to let one crack. If one cracked, Hazel would crack. I know it, she knows it, hell, the whole universe probably knows it.
I also know that Hazel is on full autopilot. Obviously she knows that, she's the one that flipped the switch from reality to sink deeply in her own body and have her mind get lost inside her skull. Even with all my help, she wouldn't turn it off, it was too painful. I can't help but understand.
I wish there was something I could do to make it a little less excruciating, but I know that losing a parent is hell. I know that it feels like going into every battle without backup. There for I suited myself up and have been fighting under Hazel's command these last few days.
I kept repeating in my head that I could do something or had to do something or needed to do something, to at least make this a little bit better for Hazel. I want to do right by her after all the wrong I did, but also, I have to do right by her dad.
I have to take care of Hazel. And I know that today is the best day to prove myself to her, to show her somehow that she's never left my heart or my head, that I still care about her more than myself.
And I feel this full force as I lean against the side of Hazel's doorway, looking at her lying in her bed with sad, sympathetic eyes.
It sounds creepy, but it's not like she's asleep and I'm watching her, I just know we have to get ready to leave soon. But she lays on her side in a very pretty, dark navy blue dress and long legs covered in black lace pantyhose. Her hair is done and curled nicely, but she doesn't seem to care about it as she lays curled in her bed. She looks beautiful, but this not a good time to think about that. Her eyes are gazed off into the distance, cloudy as her arms wrapped tight around her favorite, old teddy bear.
I recognized the bear a few days ago as the one I saw in her bed when I came here to first meet her family last summer, and then again when I was skyping Alan a few weeks ago and knew he was staying with her when I saw it in the screen.
I noticed that it has rarely left Hazel's side these past few days. A small part of me felt jealous of the bear that she held towards her heart so dearly, but after dismissing that as crazy, I just wondered about why she was now so attached to that thing again.
I wonder if maybe her father gave it to her, but with that thought my face just saddened as I looked at Hazel still. I want to make it all go away, seeing that the blank look on her face was one that even though it showed no emotion, I know her well enough to see the agony in it.
I know how hard these next few days are going to be for her and I just hope that what I have planned will help her somewhat... somehow.
I sighed aloud and I know that Hazel heard me because her fingers started to nervously play with the hairs on the bear. She knows that I'm going to make her get up to leave and she does not want to. Not at all. So she doesn't budge.
I push myself from her doorway and slowly make my way over to her bed. I carry her jacket draped over one of my arms so I set it down on the edge of her bed before going to her. Luckily she's laying on her right side so her face is near the edge of the bed that I approach.
I squat down in front of her, blocking whatever her cloudy eyes were looking at so lifelessly. She now was left to stare at the pattern on my tie. Yes, my tie. It feels very awkward and a little uncomfortable to be in suit, but I did it for Hazel. It was a little difficult to get ahold of, and I've probably only worn a suit a couple times in my life, but I thought it would make Hazel feel better. It's only respectful.
"Hazel," I sigh, sadness heavy in it. "It's time to go." I speak lightly, treading on those eggshells again.
I notice Hazel's hands clench a little bit tighter to her bear so I know she heard me, but she really, really just doesn't want to go. The way she curls into the bed tighter makes it seem like she wants to sink into it forever.
My head bows down for a moment and I look at my shoes while I think what to say to give her comfort. I know all too well what she's feeling, hell, the day of my mother's funeral I locked myself in my room for hours, only to start to panic when I realized I might miss my last moments with my mom.
I tip my head back up and look at Hazel's casted downwards eyes. "I know you don't want to go, I know," I say so lightly it's almost a whisper. I send a sympathetic, understanding smile after. "But it's your dad. You know you'd feel terrible if you missed any of it."
Hazel finally meets my eyes and in that moment I know I won her over. She knows I'm right, she knows she has to go. She wouldn't miss it for the world.
I took a chance and reached my hand out in front of her, leaving my palm open for her to take. She glanced at it, hesitating, but then shocks me slightly when she unravels her arm from under her bear and willingly slides her small hand into my large, warm one. It fits perfectly.
I stand up from my squatting position, still holding her hand, to help her up now. She used my leverage and stood, too, our hands separating once she was balanced so she could use the hand to smooth out her dress. The other one still held her bear.
Once Hazel straightened herself up from lying on the bed, she looked up and I watched as her eyes froze in shock on me. I gulped nervously, she must have just now noticed that I'm dressed up nicely. I'm almost afraid she won't like it or will disapprove, but all I can do is watch in silence as her eyes travel from my head to my toes.
Once she takes my appearance in I swear I see tears start to cloud her eyes, making my heart panic and speed up, but then she blinked them away as fast as she could.
"You look..." she starts, her voice just about cracking. She cleared her throat to make it go away. "Very nice," she finishes, sending a tiny, weak smile my way.
I return it, feeling a little more comfortable in my suit now that she accepts it, and likes it, but still a little worried. "Thank you."
Hazel nods before thinking of something and walking to the dresser against the far wall of her room. I watch her as she grabs something off the top of it before coming back to me "Will you help me?" She asks, holding up a necklace in her hand.
I nod, growing a little excited that she asked for my help. She hasn't really asked for it yet, even though I've made her accept it, but now she is. Maybe it's something about this day.
I smile softly and grab the small chain from her. It's silver and has a small jewel on the bottom. She turns around so her back is to me and brushes her hair to in front of her shoulder, but misses a few strands.
The room is still and very, very quiet as my hand reaches up, not even thinking as I brush those few strands gently to the side. She doesn't react negatively so I continue to tuck them out of the way and undo the clasp.
The quiet room is filled with emotion, the moment heavy in the air and weighing on my shoulders. It's not tense, but just one filled with sadness for the events we know are coming, but also understanding and comfort because we both have each other. She has me to lean on and to ask for help with her necklace.
I place the necklace around Hazel's neck gently and clasp it, feeling the heaviness.
When I'm done, my hands fall slowly back to my sides. Hazel feels their loss and recognizes that it's on, turning around to face me again after. But this time she doesn't meet my eyes right away, her head bowing down. She's looking down at the bear that she now holds with both of her hands. She's studying it and I can't help but wonder what is going on so intensely in her head.
But, knowing that I can't read minds, I just have to assume it's nothing about puppies or sunshine happiness. It's heavy and I know what Hazel is bound to get lost in it all.
To pull her out of it, I make a move with my hand to find one of hers. I don't know how Hazel will feel about the little display of affection, but I know I can't be afraid to do them anymore. It's the only other way to show Hazel that I'm here. That she's still my girl to protect. It's the only way to try and move forward and show her that we still matter.
My palm slides around hers, pulling one of her hands away from the bear and lacing my fingers with hers. I feel a pang of nervousness, but Hazel doesn't react badly. She lets me hold her hand. Just like the other day in the car.
She looks at our hands for a quick moment before finally meeting my eyes. It's hard to read hers because so much is swimming around in them.
I almost ask if she's ready, but before those words actually slip out of my mouth, I shake them away. It's a stupid question to ask, of course she's not ready. Who would be?
So instead of saying anything, I give Hazel a soft look for her to understand as I start taking steps towards her doorway. I use the hand that is holding hers to gently lead her, looking back at her to make sure she's coming. Which she is, bear and all, her hand squeezing mine the further we make it towards the exit.
Especially when we pass her dad's room. The door is closed and the lights are shut off inside, but Hazel's eyes are still glued onto it.
I notice and squeeze her hand back in comfort, lightly tugging her away from the door. She snaps her head away from it and clenches her jaw before continuing to follow me, her bear dangling in her free hand..
Hazel's pov:
I can't form in words how badly I want to sink into the leather seat of the car I sit in and disappear forever. It's impossible. Especially as Austin parks the car outside of the small funeral home.
He twists the keys out of the ignition, but doesn't reach to open his door yet. He leans back in his seat and turns his head towards me. "I'll be right there with you the whole time," he states softly. All I can do is nod, fear creeping up in my bones as I stare at the building I dread going into. I feel bad for saying it, but I'm terrified to see my daddy again. This is not what I wanted when I asked to see him one more time. "You're not alone."
Austin's words have me squeezing my eyes shut and breathing in a breath to calm myself. I nod again, silence lingering heavily in the car for a moment after until I finally look over to meet Austin's eyes. Neither of us say anything, he just holds my gaze comfortingly before he nods back and we both reach for our doors.
Once I step out of the car I know there is no turning back. My hands start to shake and my feet start forming into those heavy bricks again as Austin joins my side and we make our way to the small, white building. I wring my hands together nervously, regretting leaving my bear in the car until Austin's hand reaches down and finds mine again.
In any other situation, I probably would have thought a lot of it and worried about what it meant or whatever, but right now, my heads in another place. All I do is accept and appreciate the gesture, using to help push myself to go inside the building.
It looks like it could be a house, with very white paneling and fancy windows. There are flowers and bushes planted all around it, plus, lots of outdoor decorations to make this solemn place look a little more lively.
I gulped as Austin and I walked up a few stairs to reach the door, gripping onto his hand tightly while we stepped inside. I came here the other day to meet with the funeral director, and of course Austin came with me, so we both know our way. But today is different than the day of the meeting. Currently, we are the only other people here because the actual viewing doesn't start for another hour, but we were given time to come early to help set up and have alone time. But even by ourselves, the place seems emptier and the vibe throughout the place is different. I only grow more terrified.
We only get a few steps inside before the funeral director, Robert, we met with the other day rounded a corner down the hall, coming over to great us. He was a rounded man, his partially gray hair combed to the side. "Ah, Miss Hendrix," he reached to shake my hand and I had to detach from Austin's hand because I'm a righty and Austin will need his because he's a lefty. "It's nice to see you again, dear."
"You too," I don't even attempt to smile or sound happy, but it doesn't even phase Robert because he's so used to it. He deals with mourning people all the time.
"Mr. Carlile," he now shakes Austin's hand before standing back up straight and looking at us both. "Is there anyone else we should be expecting?"
He asks this because I did mention my sister would be joining us early today, but obviously she isn't here.
"My sister will be here," is all I say. It sounds like I'm trying to convince myself, which I am, but I also know my sister won't miss this. She'll come, she has to. If my brother can't be here, she has to be.
Robert nods, clasping his hands together while breathing out a heavy breath. "Almost everything is set up for today. Would you like to have some time alone?"
I gulp, breathing in a large breath. Fear is trickling in my veins but I try my best to shut it out along with everything else while barely nodding back to Robert. Deep down I want to say no and sprint out of the door, but I can't do that. This is my last goodbye.
"Do you want me to take your jacket, Hazel?" Austin thinks of an excuse of something to do so I can go in to see my dad one last time. I numbly nod and start shrugging it off my shoulders. Austin reaches over to help me out of it, grabbing it when it's about to fall off my arms. When he has it, he puts his hand on my back in comfort, leaning down to my ear. "I'll be right out here. Take your time, it will be okay," his voice is soft and I all I can do is nod again, pressing my lips into a fine line.
My insides are all messed up and I'm sure my heart has stopped beating.
I feel Austin's hand leave my back and watch as he walks away to the room where they hang up all the coats. When his figure disappears I turn back to Robert who is starting to lead me towards the room my dad is in. I start to panic, not being able to move my feet.
Robert notices I'm not following him and turns back, looking at me with an awaiting gaze. I gulp, summoning everything I have to do this. It's my dad, I have to. I'll push everything down like I've been doing.
I breathe in a breath and pull myself together, about to take a step towards Robert when the door behind me opens. I snap my head around to see who it is, a large weight being quickly lifted up off of my shoulders when I see Syd shut the door behind her as she steps in.
I quickly turn and start going over to her. All I want to do is wrap her up in a hug and hold my baby sister close to me, but I can tell by her posture that she doesn't want to do the same to me.
Because of this I slow down when I get closer, standing a couple of feet in front of her. She is in a pretty floral dress with her hair tucked in a nice bun and a side purse strung across her chest. It's not the actual funeral so it's not required for us to wear black or anything like that.
We meet each others gaze and for many long moments we just look at each other. There are no words than we could think of to say, even if they need to be said. I can see the pain and utter sadness in her eyes just as I'm sure she can in mine.
I bite my lip and reach my arm out, needing her to take it. We have to do this together. Even if she is angry with me or blames me, I still need her like she needs me. This is our daddy in there.
Syd takes my arm, linking her elbow with mine and coming closer to me as we turn. I lead her down the path I just took, heading over to Robert who held open the large door that led into the room the viewing will take place. The room our dad is in.
As we rounded the corner through the door and into the room, I felt Syd grip tighter to me, her body softly shaking. I held her close and kept my posture tall. Now that she's here, she's my motivation to stay strong. I have to do it for her, I'm her big sister.
In the room there are flowers that were picked out and sent from family and friends. There are also family pictures and some of my fathers nice paintings that I brought for Robert to set up the other day. But none of these things matter right now.
The casket sits across the room and the top half of it is open. Immediately my dead heart starts to freak out, each step towards our dad feeling like there were hot coals under our feet. I wanted to jump off of them and sprint away, but I couldn't. Instead, I led myself and Syd to him.
When he was in view, Syd immediately broke out into cries. At first she tried to keep them calm and controlled, but when we stood next to his casket and got a good look at him, they were exploding out of her.
"Daddy," she cried loudly, her body hunching over from sobs. My heart snapped and set aflame hearing Syd, but also seeing my dad. Multiple holes felt like they were ripping their way inside of my chest, creating physical pain. My stomach was queazy and dropped, making my fingers tremble.
I held my sister close to my side as I looked down at my father. Syd's trembling body shook mine and her tears dampened my shoulder, but I let her cry it all out. As for myself, I can't find my tears. I just look down, staring at my lifeless dad.
His skin is covered in light make-up that the funeral home put on him to make him look a little less... dead... but he still looks oddly pale. His eyes are shut peacefully, skin smooth and mouth in a straight line. He's dressed up in his favorite tux that I gave to the funeral home and his hands are crossed over his stomach, folded over each other nicely.
It was terribly hard to look at because he doesn't look or seem the same as the daddy I know, but I can't look away. He looks peaceful though. He doesn't have those large bags under his eyes that he always did or the stressed wrinkles in his face. He finally seems at ease from all his evil thoughts.
That's the only good feeling I get, knowing that he's resting easily. But it doesn't last long because soon my head is swamped with lots of other thoughts. They are so, so very painful. They are full of agony and sadness and guilt. Even though my daddy is right there, I miss him so very, very much. And I know I will never not miss him or feel saddened by all the things he now won't be here for in my life or all the memories we've had together. I know this pain and guilt will never go away.
I quickly try to shut the saddening thoughts away when Syd starts to get a little bit too hysterical. She snaps me out of the numb gaze I had on my dad and I quickly turn to face her, pulling her into a real hug. She buries her face into my shoulder, her cries getting muffled because of it.
Each cry that she lets out make me hurt worse, but I just hold her, resting my head against hers. Silent tears drip down my cheeks and I feel my body might combust from all the painful things inside... My heart is broken.
"He d-didn't deserve this," she cried into me after a long moment of just us holding each other. I squeeze my eyes shut, nodding slightly. Not once in my whole life did I ever think he deserved his sickness or any of the pain he went through.
Syd shook her head against me and pushed herself up to stand straight again. I watched her as she attempted to wipe her tears away with her sleeve, only to have a bunch more pour out after.
She sucked in a shaky breath before turning to face my dad. She looked at him with sadness lacing every muscle of her face before leaning over his coffin to plant a light kiss on his forehead. "I love you," she whispered before backing away from him, quickly turning and running out of the room after, her cries echoing around her.
She left too fast for me to even react so all I could do was watch her. She couldn't take seeing or being near my dad like this for any longer. It was too difficult. And I know I'm not the one she wanted to comfort or hold her, she wishes it was our dad. I know this because I wish the same thing.
I push a heavy breath past my lips as I turn back to my dad, stepping closer to his coffin. My chest is empty and my stomach is tied in knots as I look at him with sad eyes. "Daddy," I say, my voice coming out as a whisper. I reach and take one of his hands that have no warmth like they always used to.
As I held his hand and looked at him, the pain I was hiding inside of me was demanding to be felt. I just clenched my jaw and shoved it back.
"Don't worry about us, daddy," I talk to him, my voice trying not to crack. "I know you always like to worry about Syd and I, but try not to, okay? We'll be okay," a weak, sad smile grazes my face. "We're your daughters, remember? And any daughter of yours is tough," I repeat what he always said to us, imitating his proud voice when he said it. My weak smile fades though, it's too hard to keep on. "So rest easy, daddy. You deserve it."
I lean over and kiss the top of his head, near the same place that Syd did. I let the kiss linger though, squeezing my eyes shut as I do. "I love you so, so much, Daddy," I whisper. "I always will."
I pull away from him, releasing his cold hand gently and taking a step back. Tears are thick in my eyes and I am now swarmed with all my thoughts. Emotions hit me from left and right, leaving me breathless.
I feel so guilty. For every time I said something mean to my dad, for every time I didn't listen to him as I child, for all the times I didn't tell him I loved him, when I left for months and months on tour, for not calling those last few days when he was in the hospital, and now, especially, for sending him off to the mental hospital instead of taking care of him like I always have.
I run my hands through my hair, tugging on it and causing it to yank against my scalp. I don't know what to do, if I should just scream and explode here, or to run away. Neither are acceptable options so I, instead, quickly turn and rush out of this room. I want to hold Austin's hand again.
But when I round the corner, exiting through the doorway, I turn to see Syd standing very close to Austin, her posture threatening and fists clenched into balls. I make my way over to them and when Austin looks over Syd's head to see me, she follows his gaze and I see the anger in her eyes. "What is he doing here?" She spits with venom in her voice.
I don't answer as I hurry over to them. I really don't need this right now.
"You brought him here?!" She continues, gabbing a finger at him. "To our fathers funeral?! After everything he's done to you!"
"Syd," I warn, trying to get her to calm down.
"Days... Weeks... Months you went dealing with the pain he caused you!" She hisses, still pointing at him. It wasn't all the pain of him, it was dealing with the loss of my Jelly Bean. "After he left you! He abandoned you and Dad and I where there for you when he wasn't! He shouldn't be here!" She raises her voice. She's only like this because she's unstable. She's having a breakdown and taking it all out on Austin. But all she is really doing is reminding me of my pain and loss. She's reminding me of my hard times I try not to think about. And she's reminding me of all those times with my dad that he comforted me and made me feel better. I don't have that anymore and all she's doing is rubbing it in. It makes me angry.
"Sydney, stop it," I say through clenched teeth.
"You went to rehab because of him!" She finally yells louder than all, leaving a stinging silence.
I glance up at Austin and see he is looking at me with wide, shocked eyes. I curse under my breath before looking back at Syd with upset and tired eyes. I cannot deal with this right now and she is just making a big scene.
"Don't do this. Not now," I warn her.
"Then when, Hazel?!" She asks, exasperated. "Dad's already dead so-"
With that I snap and lunge towards her to grab her upper arm. I drag her down the hall to the room where all the coats are kept. It's really no different than any other room besides there are large closets and benches in it.
I shove Syd inside and close the door a little harshly behind us. "This is not the time or place for this," I say sternly to her. "This isn't about you or me and definitely not Austin. This is about dad and respecting him, which you are not doing!"
Sydney visibly angers. "And you are?! Bringing Austin here?!"
"This has nothing to do with Austin!" I repeat, growing more upset. "He's here and he's not going to leave because I need him! We've been through a lot but he's been here for me lately, unlike you, my own sister!" I would have never thought I'd be defending Austin like this.
"Don't even start with 'the not being there' thing! You aren't allowed to go there!" Syd yells back, stepping closer to me. "You always were leaving dad and I!"
My jaw clenches at her words. I feel guilt rush back into my system because I know she's right. But I also know that she knows I had to leave. For my school, for my job, for my dreams. But also for Mark who she knows I was trapped with!
"And even when you were home you didn't even give a shit about us!" She continues.
"That is not true!" I immediately snap. "I left for college just like you did! And you know what happened after that!" I exclaim loudly. "I had to live my life, just like Jake did for years on end! I couldn't live at home forever!" I mention our brother. She never once gave him shit for leaving because he went to the military, but also because she was so young when he first left that she wasn't that close with him like me.
"And I could?!"
"You left didn't you?!" I grow louder, stepping to get closer to her now. We both are in bad frames of mind to be getting worked up like this. "You got to go to college! And you spent it drinking and partying and ignoring both dad and I for weeks! At least when I left I didn't ignore our own father!" I know it was a low blow, but it just came out.
Sydney's hands start to tremble. "You give me shit for drinking but maybe if you weren't so fucking drunk all the time when you got back this summer you could have focused on dad! You were so caught up in your own shit! YOU HAD TO SEND HIM AWAY! WE COULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF HIM! WE COULD HAVE SEEN HIM AGAIN!"
Her words hurt so bad that I feel like I was shot in the chest, just like when I found out he died. Guilt came ripping through my body so much that I couldn't handle it all on my own. So like an idiot, I put some of it on her before I could stop myself. "DON'T PUT THAT ON ME! YOU COULD HAVE SEEN HIM AGAIN!" I yell back, snapping, too. "But you were too fucking busy drinking, so don't you give me shit! You haven't been texting or calling or visiting him! I tried to reach you so many times because I NEEDED YOU! HE NEEDED YOU!" I couldn't believe the horrible things I was saying to her, but I couldn't control myself. "YOU WANTED TO SEND HIM AWAY, TOO, JUST SO YOU COULD IGNORE US BOTH!"
Both of us were visibly shaking, the words we said painful and never to be taken back. I regretted them as soon as they came out of my mouth, knowing I'm just hurting her even more. Why am I so fucking stupid?! I know it's my fault, I should have just admitted to it!
I watched as Sydney's jaw clenched along with her fists. She didn't respond right away, she just stared at me with hard eyes, giving me time to regret exploding on her. The guilt was all mine, not hers.
But then she spoke.
"I hate you," she growled. Another shot was fired into my chest, making me breathless. "Almost my whole life you were leaving us, and coming back, then leaving again. It was always about you, not me, not dad. You could have cared less about us. You're just like mom."
My mouth was dropped, sharp painful breaths coming out. Her words hurt me in ways she will never understand. "Don't you dare say that," I demand, my voice shaky. "I took care of you my whole life. Dad, too. I cared about you more than myself-"
"BUT YOU KEPT LEAVING US!" She cuts me off. "You put yourself over us like always! And then you shipped dad off to the hospital so you could go on your fancy tour with your ex boyfriend! So why don't you just go run back to him because it's obvious you care about your boyfriends and yourself more than your own family!" She fumes. "And don't worry, dad's dead now! So you don't have to worry about coming back to take care of him or me anymore! The burden is gone!" She screams in my face, pointing in the direction of the door. "So after the funeral and all this is over and you leave again, why don't you do everyone a favor and just stay gone this time!"
With that she shoves past me and swings open the door, slamming it harshly behind her so hard that I feel it knocked the wind out of me.
I'm left standing in the middle of this room, shocked and broken hearted. My world is crashing down around me and I can't catch the pieces for the life of me.
Tears are pooling in my eyes and all of my sisters words have brought all the dead emotions to life inside of me. They slam harshly against the walls of my head, screaming and demanding to be felt. Everything is too much and finally a sob breaks out of my lips.
All my cries I held back these past days come out at once, loud and in full force. They're so hard and intense that I have to go to the cushioned bench pressed against the wall and collapse on it, struggling to breathe through my body aching cries.
I sit hunched over, holding my chest because all this pain physically hurts.
My dads dead. My sister hates me. It's all my fault.
I sob loudly and uncontrollably, so much so I can barely hear the commotion outside this room that Syd has caused. I don't try to listen or figure out what is going on because I'm losing myself to my broken hearted cries. I'm weak and all my body can do is shake.
That is until I hear the door to this room open and close, someone hurrying in. The next thing I know I'm being pulled into someone, wrapped in protective arms as they sit next to me. Like a reflex, I curl into the person, my head knowing all along it was Austin.
"Sh... Sh," he coos, allowing me to rest my head against the crook of his neck and sob violently. His hands ran through my hair.
As much as he was trying to get me to calm down, I couldn't. I clutched tightly onto his shirt, soaking it with my tears, it was impossible to hold back. Sadness was pumping through my veins and sucking up all my energy like an evil, evil disease. The pain inside of me wasn't just demanding to be felt, but also trying to take over my body and gain all of it's power.
"Haze..." Austin tries, realizing I was just getting more and more hysterical.
I shake my head against him. "I-It's all m-my fault. I should have... I should have taken care of him. I just shipped him off to be alone and to suffer in a hospital and now he's dead and it's all my fault. H-How could this.. I.. my dad. He's dead and, and I... I.." I started crying even louder and more hysterical then ever, getting hit with a heavy, blunt force that was the realization of what happened.
Austin's hands moved up to gently hold the side of my face, picking up my head so I had to look at him while I wailed. "Hazel, please. I need you to try and calm down, you're going to make yourself sick," he pleaded, but I couldn't stop, I wasn't in control. The pain and sadness were.
They won.
"I had so much more... He can't be dead.. I was supposed to talk to him. I-I should have stayed with him... I'll never be able to see him again," I blubbered through my tears, Austin still trying to get me to calm down.
"Hazel, please," one of his thumbs brushed over my red cheek while his other hand moved to push back my hair that was getting stuck to my face from the wet tears. "Breathe, just breathe.."
My breaths were coming in short, quick gasps. How was I supposed to control them? "I can't. I-I can't," I cried, devastated. "Syd hates me. I hurt her, I hurt her so bad. I-I left them so many times... Oh god, I-"
Suddenly, I was cut off by the force of Austin making a quick movement and pressing his lips hard against mine, stopping my words and blubbering cries.
His hands gently held my head as he kissed me and I was so shocked that it seemed everything slipped from my mind besides the confusion that Austin was kissing me. I was so surprised that for a moment, all I could think about was how his lips were soft and on mine as I let him kiss me.
Both of our lips were parted as he broke away and the room was now quiet, not filled with my ridiculously loud sobs. I stared at him in shock for a moment, my breath still shaky from my crying. But the thing is, I'm not crying anymore. I'm not gasping for breath anymore. And in that small moment, I wasn't bombarding myself with those terrible thoughts. Austin kissed me to make it stop. "You... You.." I stutter, hiccuping lightly. "You kissed me to get me to calm down?"
He nodded. "I wasn't sure if it'd work," he admitted to my shocked face, pulling the sleeve of his shirt down around his hand to wipe of the tears that were still lingering on my face. After, he sighed sadly, his own eyes seemed a little red as he looked at me. "This is not your fault. Not in any way," he spoke so sadly and so softly that my lip started to quiver again, only making him reach his arms out and pull me into his embrace.
It was quiet as my head was buried into his chest and his hand was rubbing my back as we sat on the cushioned bench in this coat room. "Your dad loved you and he knew you loved him, too," Austin spoke softly, trying not to have me explode again. "You did what you thought was best for him and that's all that matters. This is not your fault."
Austin's words touch me, but I don't respond. I just stay silent as I lean into him.
Austin sighs at my silence and straightens his posture, getting me to sit up and look at him. I watch as he digs into one of his pockets, grabbing something that I can't see in his hand before turning back to me. He reaches out with his free hand for one of mine, bringing it closer to him. He takes his hand that holds the item in his pocket and gently drops it into my palm, looking into my eyes as he does this.
"Your dad gave me this last summer," he says lightly, causing my eyebrows to furrow in confusion. I look down at our hands as Austin talks, noticing a shiny golden pocket watch in between our palms. He had this, this whole time? "He made me promise to take care of you, he made sure I knew you were his baby girl," he spoke sincerely, making tears well back up in my eyes. "He wasn't upset that you were leaving, he understood. He wanted you to have the life he never had, but he was just worried because he loved you so much."
With blurry eyes I stare at the pocket watch, one of my fingers gently tracing over it. I think I've maybe seen it once or twice in my whole life, but I know this item is special.
"I know it hurts, I know," Austin continues, searching for my eyes again. "But your dad's not gone. He'll always be with you for as long as you want him to be."
I lift my head up to meet Austin's gaze, my lip quivering at his touching words. All I can do is nod as I bring Austin into a hug, trying to keep myself from crying again. It's now that I notice how much he's done for me.
Austin squeezes my frame to him, returning the hug with comfort until his phone started to go off in his pocket. He leaned back to quickly check it, a small smile spreading on his face when he read it. I look at him with confusion, wondering what could be making him smile right now. Was it a joke from one of his friends? Was he really joking around right now?
Austin stands up from the bench and I just look at him with confused eyes as he reaches a hand out to me. "I have something I want you to see."
Curiously, but also unsurely, I take his hand and allow him to help me up. I clutch the pocket watch close to my heart as Austin starts to gently lead me out of this room. Right as we are about to round the corner, he suddenly stops and turns around to face me. He doesn't say anything though, he just releases my hand and takes a step back, glancing to his right and waiting for me to follow where his gaze went.
Hesitantly, I step around the corner and turn to see what it is.
My eyes widen when I see, standing in front of the door, is some of my closest friends. From my band to the Of Mice boys, even Jason and the Bring Me guys.
I feel my dead heart beat as I see all of them. They all came here to support me. They're all here and each and everyone of them are dressed up nicely from head to toe with suits and combed hair.
Instantly, my eyes fill to the rim with tears. Just like seeing Austin earlier, seeing them all dressed up and here touched my heart. They did this for me.
Quickly I ran over to all of them, a shocked smile on my face and the first tears that weren't full of pain falling. I was immediately engulfed in a giant group hug as I reached all of them, light chuckles going around as we all squeezed each other.
"I can't believe all you guys came," I gushed, attempting to give each person their own hug.
"We had to be here for our favorite girl," Tino says with a small smile as he crushes me in a big bear hug.
"Anything for you, chica," Jason says as he pulls me into him, his beard tickling my skin.
"I love you guys all so much," I cry, squeezing them all to me.
"As we love you, Starr," Oli holds me close to him in a hug and I embrace my old friend tightly back. He kisses the top of my head and I squeeze him even tighter.
There is only one person I haven't greeted yet, and that is my favorite ginger princess. Neither of us say anything as we crush each other into a hug. Alan's sent gives me so much comfort that it makes me want to cry. "Al," I whimper into him.
He squeezes me tightly. "Hey, bub," he whispers lightly back.
That's all either of us say, nothing else needed . The hug already holds enough emotion.
When we pull away I look at all my best friends, feeling a little less like complete shit now. "Thank you all so much for coming," I say, my voice dripping with emotion.
"You should thank Austin," Phil points behind me towards him.
It just now hits me that Austin is the one who did all this. He got them all out here for me. He's done so much for me I'm not even sure how to deal with all the feelings that gives me.
I turn to face Austin who is standing in the same spot with his hands in his pockets and a sheepish, satisfied look on his face. Before I can say anything to him or go to him, he speaks. "There's one last person you forgot to say hi to," he says and I grow confused.
I spin around and glance over everyone I just said hi to. I'm sure I didn't miss anybody.
I turn back around, about to ask Austin what he's talking about when I see a figure appear out of one of the rooms behind Austin. Out from his hiding spot came a tall, wide set man dressed in an army suit. I squint to see who it is, only to have my eyes widen.
My brother.
My hand immediately flew over my mouth in shock and I made sure I wasn't imagining him walking closer to me. His hands were folded in front of him and he looked at me with slightly sad, slightly happy eyes.
"Oh my God," I breathe out once I realize he is real, the tears hitting me full force once again. I don't waste another second to sprint over to him, jumping straight into his awaiting arms and letting sobs out as he caught me.
He slides down forward onto his knees and squeezes the hell out of me. I do the same to him and cry in half sadness, half pure joy. "Oh my god," I repeat in a shaky voice. "Jakey," I call him by his childhood nickname, still not believing he's here. I bury my head into his shoulder, my sobs slightly muffled.
Everyone is watching us and it's not hard to hear some 'aw's and 'oh my god's at our reunion.
"I'm here, sis," his deep voice says to me as I cry, comforting and reassuring me. "I'm here."
I squeeze him tighter, if that's even possible, nearly balling into his shoulder. I'm so, so unimaginably happy that my big brother is here. And in one piece at that. But I'm also so said that the reason he's here is because of our dad.
A long while goes by of us hugging the shit out of each other and me crying, our bodies lightly rocking. I feel much better now that not only are all my friends here, but my brother is here. I'm so relieved.
I eventually lean back to get a good look at him through my teary eyes, an unbelieving smile on my face. "Hey, sis," my brother says simply, chuckling lightly after.
I shake my head and wrap my arms around him again. "I can't believe you're here," my voice cracks.
"I wouldn't be anywhere else besides here with you and pop," his voice saddens.
He hugs me back again, now standing up with me till in his embrace. He sets me down lightly on my feet when we're sturdy, squeezing me one last time in the hug before letting go. As I look up at him, I realize that Austin did this. Austin got my brother here for me.
I turn to face Austin. "You... How did you- I don't even care," I shake my head, now running towards him. I nearly tackle him in a hug, causing him to spin slightly to keep his balance while holding me close to him. After all he's done for me, I have the urge to say something I know I shouldn't. I know my emotions are all over the place and I'm vulnerable and what not, and I know that's the reason I want to tell Austin I love him, so I hold it back. "Thank you," I settle for, whispering it sincerely in his ear.
He simply just hugs me tighter, our bodies shaping perfectly together. I nearly melt into him before he stands up straight and we break apart. I look up into his big brown eyes for a moment, still grasping onto the old pocket watch.
"Here," I hold it out to Austin, hoping he takes my gesture of thankfulness, and also love.
Austin looks down at it, then me, his eyes unsure. "Haze," he starts, but I shake him off.
"You keep it. It's yours," I say quietly, looking up at him with big eyes. He stares down into them for a moment, understanding the gesture, before nodding and sliding his palm under mine to take the watch.
"I'll always protect you, you know," he whispers down to me, his eyes intense on mine.
Something inside my stomach twists as I nod, our hands still touching the other's. "I know."
It is the day of the funeral. Or more so the viewing.
Eggshells had been laid around Hazel on the floor, following her everywhere she went and making me have to carefully step on them, trying not to let one crack. If one cracked, Hazel would crack. I know it, she knows it, hell, the whole universe probably knows it.
I also know that Hazel is on full autopilot. Obviously she knows that, she's the one that flipped the switch from reality to sink deeply in her own body and have her mind get lost inside her skull. Even with all my help, she wouldn't turn it off, it was too painful. I can't help but understand.
I wish there was something I could do to make it a little less excruciating, but I know that losing a parent is hell. I know that it feels like going into every battle without backup. There for I suited myself up and have been fighting under Hazel's command these last few days.
I kept repeating in my head that I could do something or had to do something or needed to do something, to at least make this a little bit better for Hazel. I want to do right by her after all the wrong I did, but also, I have to do right by her dad.
I have to take care of Hazel. And I know that today is the best day to prove myself to her, to show her somehow that she's never left my heart or my head, that I still care about her more than myself.
And I feel this full force as I lean against the side of Hazel's doorway, looking at her lying in her bed with sad, sympathetic eyes.
It sounds creepy, but it's not like she's asleep and I'm watching her, I just know we have to get ready to leave soon. But she lays on her side in a very pretty, dark navy blue dress and long legs covered in black lace pantyhose. Her hair is done and curled nicely, but she doesn't seem to care about it as she lays curled in her bed. She looks beautiful, but this not a good time to think about that. Her eyes are gazed off into the distance, cloudy as her arms wrapped tight around her favorite, old teddy bear.
I recognized the bear a few days ago as the one I saw in her bed when I came here to first meet her family last summer, and then again when I was skyping Alan a few weeks ago and knew he was staying with her when I saw it in the screen.
I noticed that it has rarely left Hazel's side these past few days. A small part of me felt jealous of the bear that she held towards her heart so dearly, but after dismissing that as crazy, I just wondered about why she was now so attached to that thing again.
I wonder if maybe her father gave it to her, but with that thought my face just saddened as I looked at Hazel still. I want to make it all go away, seeing that the blank look on her face was one that even though it showed no emotion, I know her well enough to see the agony in it.
I know how hard these next few days are going to be for her and I just hope that what I have planned will help her somewhat... somehow.
I sighed aloud and I know that Hazel heard me because her fingers started to nervously play with the hairs on the bear. She knows that I'm going to make her get up to leave and she does not want to. Not at all. So she doesn't budge.
I push myself from her doorway and slowly make my way over to her bed. I carry her jacket draped over one of my arms so I set it down on the edge of her bed before going to her. Luckily she's laying on her right side so her face is near the edge of the bed that I approach.
I squat down in front of her, blocking whatever her cloudy eyes were looking at so lifelessly. She now was left to stare at the pattern on my tie. Yes, my tie. It feels very awkward and a little uncomfortable to be in suit, but I did it for Hazel. It was a little difficult to get ahold of, and I've probably only worn a suit a couple times in my life, but I thought it would make Hazel feel better. It's only respectful.
"Hazel," I sigh, sadness heavy in it. "It's time to go." I speak lightly, treading on those eggshells again.
I notice Hazel's hands clench a little bit tighter to her bear so I know she heard me, but she really, really just doesn't want to go. The way she curls into the bed tighter makes it seem like she wants to sink into it forever.
My head bows down for a moment and I look at my shoes while I think what to say to give her comfort. I know all too well what she's feeling, hell, the day of my mother's funeral I locked myself in my room for hours, only to start to panic when I realized I might miss my last moments with my mom.
I tip my head back up and look at Hazel's casted downwards eyes. "I know you don't want to go, I know," I say so lightly it's almost a whisper. I send a sympathetic, understanding smile after. "But it's your dad. You know you'd feel terrible if you missed any of it."
Hazel finally meets my eyes and in that moment I know I won her over. She knows I'm right, she knows she has to go. She wouldn't miss it for the world.
I took a chance and reached my hand out in front of her, leaving my palm open for her to take. She glanced at it, hesitating, but then shocks me slightly when she unravels her arm from under her bear and willingly slides her small hand into my large, warm one. It fits perfectly.
I stand up from my squatting position, still holding her hand, to help her up now. She used my leverage and stood, too, our hands separating once she was balanced so she could use the hand to smooth out her dress. The other one still held her bear.
Once Hazel straightened herself up from lying on the bed, she looked up and I watched as her eyes froze in shock on me. I gulped nervously, she must have just now noticed that I'm dressed up nicely. I'm almost afraid she won't like it or will disapprove, but all I can do is watch in silence as her eyes travel from my head to my toes.
Once she takes my appearance in I swear I see tears start to cloud her eyes, making my heart panic and speed up, but then she blinked them away as fast as she could.
"You look..." she starts, her voice just about cracking. She cleared her throat to make it go away. "Very nice," she finishes, sending a tiny, weak smile my way.
I return it, feeling a little more comfortable in my suit now that she accepts it, and likes it, but still a little worried. "Thank you."
Hazel nods before thinking of something and walking to the dresser against the far wall of her room. I watch her as she grabs something off the top of it before coming back to me "Will you help me?" She asks, holding up a necklace in her hand.
I nod, growing a little excited that she asked for my help. She hasn't really asked for it yet, even though I've made her accept it, but now she is. Maybe it's something about this day.
I smile softly and grab the small chain from her. It's silver and has a small jewel on the bottom. She turns around so her back is to me and brushes her hair to in front of her shoulder, but misses a few strands.
The room is still and very, very quiet as my hand reaches up, not even thinking as I brush those few strands gently to the side. She doesn't react negatively so I continue to tuck them out of the way and undo the clasp.
The quiet room is filled with emotion, the moment heavy in the air and weighing on my shoulders. It's not tense, but just one filled with sadness for the events we know are coming, but also understanding and comfort because we both have each other. She has me to lean on and to ask for help with her necklace.
I place the necklace around Hazel's neck gently and clasp it, feeling the heaviness.
When I'm done, my hands fall slowly back to my sides. Hazel feels their loss and recognizes that it's on, turning around to face me again after. But this time she doesn't meet my eyes right away, her head bowing down. She's looking down at the bear that she now holds with both of her hands. She's studying it and I can't help but wonder what is going on so intensely in her head.
But, knowing that I can't read minds, I just have to assume it's nothing about puppies or sunshine happiness. It's heavy and I know what Hazel is bound to get lost in it all.
To pull her out of it, I make a move with my hand to find one of hers. I don't know how Hazel will feel about the little display of affection, but I know I can't be afraid to do them anymore. It's the only other way to show Hazel that I'm here. That she's still my girl to protect. It's the only way to try and move forward and show her that we still matter.
My palm slides around hers, pulling one of her hands away from the bear and lacing my fingers with hers. I feel a pang of nervousness, but Hazel doesn't react badly. She lets me hold her hand. Just like the other day in the car.
She looks at our hands for a quick moment before finally meeting my eyes. It's hard to read hers because so much is swimming around in them.
I almost ask if she's ready, but before those words actually slip out of my mouth, I shake them away. It's a stupid question to ask, of course she's not ready. Who would be?
So instead of saying anything, I give Hazel a soft look for her to understand as I start taking steps towards her doorway. I use the hand that is holding hers to gently lead her, looking back at her to make sure she's coming. Which she is, bear and all, her hand squeezing mine the further we make it towards the exit.
Especially when we pass her dad's room. The door is closed and the lights are shut off inside, but Hazel's eyes are still glued onto it.
I notice and squeeze her hand back in comfort, lightly tugging her away from the door. She snaps her head away from it and clenches her jaw before continuing to follow me, her bear dangling in her free hand..
Hazel's pov:
I can't form in words how badly I want to sink into the leather seat of the car I sit in and disappear forever. It's impossible. Especially as Austin parks the car outside of the small funeral home.
He twists the keys out of the ignition, but doesn't reach to open his door yet. He leans back in his seat and turns his head towards me. "I'll be right there with you the whole time," he states softly. All I can do is nod, fear creeping up in my bones as I stare at the building I dread going into. I feel bad for saying it, but I'm terrified to see my daddy again. This is not what I wanted when I asked to see him one more time. "You're not alone."
Austin's words have me squeezing my eyes shut and breathing in a breath to calm myself. I nod again, silence lingering heavily in the car for a moment after until I finally look over to meet Austin's eyes. Neither of us say anything, he just holds my gaze comfortingly before he nods back and we both reach for our doors.
Once I step out of the car I know there is no turning back. My hands start to shake and my feet start forming into those heavy bricks again as Austin joins my side and we make our way to the small, white building. I wring my hands together nervously, regretting leaving my bear in the car until Austin's hand reaches down and finds mine again.
In any other situation, I probably would have thought a lot of it and worried about what it meant or whatever, but right now, my heads in another place. All I do is accept and appreciate the gesture, using to help push myself to go inside the building.
It looks like it could be a house, with very white paneling and fancy windows. There are flowers and bushes planted all around it, plus, lots of outdoor decorations to make this solemn place look a little more lively.
I gulped as Austin and I walked up a few stairs to reach the door, gripping onto his hand tightly while we stepped inside. I came here the other day to meet with the funeral director, and of course Austin came with me, so we both know our way. But today is different than the day of the meeting. Currently, we are the only other people here because the actual viewing doesn't start for another hour, but we were given time to come early to help set up and have alone time. But even by ourselves, the place seems emptier and the vibe throughout the place is different. I only grow more terrified.
We only get a few steps inside before the funeral director, Robert, we met with the other day rounded a corner down the hall, coming over to great us. He was a rounded man, his partially gray hair combed to the side. "Ah, Miss Hendrix," he reached to shake my hand and I had to detach from Austin's hand because I'm a righty and Austin will need his because he's a lefty. "It's nice to see you again, dear."
"You too," I don't even attempt to smile or sound happy, but it doesn't even phase Robert because he's so used to it. He deals with mourning people all the time.
"Mr. Carlile," he now shakes Austin's hand before standing back up straight and looking at us both. "Is there anyone else we should be expecting?"
He asks this because I did mention my sister would be joining us early today, but obviously she isn't here.
"My sister will be here," is all I say. It sounds like I'm trying to convince myself, which I am, but I also know my sister won't miss this. She'll come, she has to. If my brother can't be here, she has to be.
Robert nods, clasping his hands together while breathing out a heavy breath. "Almost everything is set up for today. Would you like to have some time alone?"
I gulp, breathing in a large breath. Fear is trickling in my veins but I try my best to shut it out along with everything else while barely nodding back to Robert. Deep down I want to say no and sprint out of the door, but I can't do that. This is my last goodbye.
"Do you want me to take your jacket, Hazel?" Austin thinks of an excuse of something to do so I can go in to see my dad one last time. I numbly nod and start shrugging it off my shoulders. Austin reaches over to help me out of it, grabbing it when it's about to fall off my arms. When he has it, he puts his hand on my back in comfort, leaning down to my ear. "I'll be right out here. Take your time, it will be okay," his voice is soft and I all I can do is nod again, pressing my lips into a fine line.
My insides are all messed up and I'm sure my heart has stopped beating.
I feel Austin's hand leave my back and watch as he walks away to the room where they hang up all the coats. When his figure disappears I turn back to Robert who is starting to lead me towards the room my dad is in. I start to panic, not being able to move my feet.
Robert notices I'm not following him and turns back, looking at me with an awaiting gaze. I gulp, summoning everything I have to do this. It's my dad, I have to. I'll push everything down like I've been doing.
I breathe in a breath and pull myself together, about to take a step towards Robert when the door behind me opens. I snap my head around to see who it is, a large weight being quickly lifted up off of my shoulders when I see Syd shut the door behind her as she steps in.
I quickly turn and start going over to her. All I want to do is wrap her up in a hug and hold my baby sister close to me, but I can tell by her posture that she doesn't want to do the same to me.
Because of this I slow down when I get closer, standing a couple of feet in front of her. She is in a pretty floral dress with her hair tucked in a nice bun and a side purse strung across her chest. It's not the actual funeral so it's not required for us to wear black or anything like that.
We meet each others gaze and for many long moments we just look at each other. There are no words than we could think of to say, even if they need to be said. I can see the pain and utter sadness in her eyes just as I'm sure she can in mine.
I bite my lip and reach my arm out, needing her to take it. We have to do this together. Even if she is angry with me or blames me, I still need her like she needs me. This is our daddy in there.
Syd takes my arm, linking her elbow with mine and coming closer to me as we turn. I lead her down the path I just took, heading over to Robert who held open the large door that led into the room the viewing will take place. The room our dad is in.
As we rounded the corner through the door and into the room, I felt Syd grip tighter to me, her body softly shaking. I held her close and kept my posture tall. Now that she's here, she's my motivation to stay strong. I have to do it for her, I'm her big sister.
In the room there are flowers that were picked out and sent from family and friends. There are also family pictures and some of my fathers nice paintings that I brought for Robert to set up the other day. But none of these things matter right now.
The casket sits across the room and the top half of it is open. Immediately my dead heart starts to freak out, each step towards our dad feeling like there were hot coals under our feet. I wanted to jump off of them and sprint away, but I couldn't. Instead, I led myself and Syd to him.
When he was in view, Syd immediately broke out into cries. At first she tried to keep them calm and controlled, but when we stood next to his casket and got a good look at him, they were exploding out of her.
"Daddy," she cried loudly, her body hunching over from sobs. My heart snapped and set aflame hearing Syd, but also seeing my dad. Multiple holes felt like they were ripping their way inside of my chest, creating physical pain. My stomach was queazy and dropped, making my fingers tremble.
I held my sister close to my side as I looked down at my father. Syd's trembling body shook mine and her tears dampened my shoulder, but I let her cry it all out. As for myself, I can't find my tears. I just look down, staring at my lifeless dad.
His skin is covered in light make-up that the funeral home put on him to make him look a little less... dead... but he still looks oddly pale. His eyes are shut peacefully, skin smooth and mouth in a straight line. He's dressed up in his favorite tux that I gave to the funeral home and his hands are crossed over his stomach, folded over each other nicely.
It was terribly hard to look at because he doesn't look or seem the same as the daddy I know, but I can't look away. He looks peaceful though. He doesn't have those large bags under his eyes that he always did or the stressed wrinkles in his face. He finally seems at ease from all his evil thoughts.
That's the only good feeling I get, knowing that he's resting easily. But it doesn't last long because soon my head is swamped with lots of other thoughts. They are so, so very painful. They are full of agony and sadness and guilt. Even though my daddy is right there, I miss him so very, very much. And I know I will never not miss him or feel saddened by all the things he now won't be here for in my life or all the memories we've had together. I know this pain and guilt will never go away.
I quickly try to shut the saddening thoughts away when Syd starts to get a little bit too hysterical. She snaps me out of the numb gaze I had on my dad and I quickly turn to face her, pulling her into a real hug. She buries her face into my shoulder, her cries getting muffled because of it.
Each cry that she lets out make me hurt worse, but I just hold her, resting my head against hers. Silent tears drip down my cheeks and I feel my body might combust from all the painful things inside... My heart is broken.
"He d-didn't deserve this," she cried into me after a long moment of just us holding each other. I squeeze my eyes shut, nodding slightly. Not once in my whole life did I ever think he deserved his sickness or any of the pain he went through.
Syd shook her head against me and pushed herself up to stand straight again. I watched her as she attempted to wipe her tears away with her sleeve, only to have a bunch more pour out after.
She sucked in a shaky breath before turning to face my dad. She looked at him with sadness lacing every muscle of her face before leaning over his coffin to plant a light kiss on his forehead. "I love you," she whispered before backing away from him, quickly turning and running out of the room after, her cries echoing around her.
She left too fast for me to even react so all I could do was watch her. She couldn't take seeing or being near my dad like this for any longer. It was too difficult. And I know I'm not the one she wanted to comfort or hold her, she wishes it was our dad. I know this because I wish the same thing.
I push a heavy breath past my lips as I turn back to my dad, stepping closer to his coffin. My chest is empty and my stomach is tied in knots as I look at him with sad eyes. "Daddy," I say, my voice coming out as a whisper. I reach and take one of his hands that have no warmth like they always used to.
As I held his hand and looked at him, the pain I was hiding inside of me was demanding to be felt. I just clenched my jaw and shoved it back.
"Don't worry about us, daddy," I talk to him, my voice trying not to crack. "I know you always like to worry about Syd and I, but try not to, okay? We'll be okay," a weak, sad smile grazes my face. "We're your daughters, remember? And any daughter of yours is tough," I repeat what he always said to us, imitating his proud voice when he said it. My weak smile fades though, it's too hard to keep on. "So rest easy, daddy. You deserve it."
I lean over and kiss the top of his head, near the same place that Syd did. I let the kiss linger though, squeezing my eyes shut as I do. "I love you so, so much, Daddy," I whisper. "I always will."
I pull away from him, releasing his cold hand gently and taking a step back. Tears are thick in my eyes and I am now swarmed with all my thoughts. Emotions hit me from left and right, leaving me breathless.
I feel so guilty. For every time I said something mean to my dad, for every time I didn't listen to him as I child, for all the times I didn't tell him I loved him, when I left for months and months on tour, for not calling those last few days when he was in the hospital, and now, especially, for sending him off to the mental hospital instead of taking care of him like I always have.
I run my hands through my hair, tugging on it and causing it to yank against my scalp. I don't know what to do, if I should just scream and explode here, or to run away. Neither are acceptable options so I, instead, quickly turn and rush out of this room. I want to hold Austin's hand again.
But when I round the corner, exiting through the doorway, I turn to see Syd standing very close to Austin, her posture threatening and fists clenched into balls. I make my way over to them and when Austin looks over Syd's head to see me, she follows his gaze and I see the anger in her eyes. "What is he doing here?" She spits with venom in her voice.
I don't answer as I hurry over to them. I really don't need this right now.
"You brought him here?!" She continues, gabbing a finger at him. "To our fathers funeral?! After everything he's done to you!"
"Syd," I warn, trying to get her to calm down.
"Days... Weeks... Months you went dealing with the pain he caused you!" She hisses, still pointing at him. It wasn't all the pain of him, it was dealing with the loss of my Jelly Bean. "After he left you! He abandoned you and Dad and I where there for you when he wasn't! He shouldn't be here!" She raises her voice. She's only like this because she's unstable. She's having a breakdown and taking it all out on Austin. But all she is really doing is reminding me of my pain and loss. She's reminding me of my hard times I try not to think about. And she's reminding me of all those times with my dad that he comforted me and made me feel better. I don't have that anymore and all she's doing is rubbing it in. It makes me angry.
"Sydney, stop it," I say through clenched teeth.
"You went to rehab because of him!" She finally yells louder than all, leaving a stinging silence.
I glance up at Austin and see he is looking at me with wide, shocked eyes. I curse under my breath before looking back at Syd with upset and tired eyes. I cannot deal with this right now and she is just making a big scene.
"Don't do this. Not now," I warn her.
"Then when, Hazel?!" She asks, exasperated. "Dad's already dead so-"
With that I snap and lunge towards her to grab her upper arm. I drag her down the hall to the room where all the coats are kept. It's really no different than any other room besides there are large closets and benches in it.
I shove Syd inside and close the door a little harshly behind us. "This is not the time or place for this," I say sternly to her. "This isn't about you or me and definitely not Austin. This is about dad and respecting him, which you are not doing!"
Sydney visibly angers. "And you are?! Bringing Austin here?!"
"This has nothing to do with Austin!" I repeat, growing more upset. "He's here and he's not going to leave because I need him! We've been through a lot but he's been here for me lately, unlike you, my own sister!" I would have never thought I'd be defending Austin like this.
"Don't even start with 'the not being there' thing! You aren't allowed to go there!" Syd yells back, stepping closer to me. "You always were leaving dad and I!"
My jaw clenches at her words. I feel guilt rush back into my system because I know she's right. But I also know that she knows I had to leave. For my school, for my job, for my dreams. But also for Mark who she knows I was trapped with!
"And even when you were home you didn't even give a shit about us!" She continues.
"That is not true!" I immediately snap. "I left for college just like you did! And you know what happened after that!" I exclaim loudly. "I had to live my life, just like Jake did for years on end! I couldn't live at home forever!" I mention our brother. She never once gave him shit for leaving because he went to the military, but also because she was so young when he first left that she wasn't that close with him like me.
"And I could?!"
"You left didn't you?!" I grow louder, stepping to get closer to her now. We both are in bad frames of mind to be getting worked up like this. "You got to go to college! And you spent it drinking and partying and ignoring both dad and I for weeks! At least when I left I didn't ignore our own father!" I know it was a low blow, but it just came out.
Sydney's hands start to tremble. "You give me shit for drinking but maybe if you weren't so fucking drunk all the time when you got back this summer you could have focused on dad! You were so caught up in your own shit! YOU HAD TO SEND HIM AWAY! WE COULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF HIM! WE COULD HAVE SEEN HIM AGAIN!"
Her words hurt so bad that I feel like I was shot in the chest, just like when I found out he died. Guilt came ripping through my body so much that I couldn't handle it all on my own. So like an idiot, I put some of it on her before I could stop myself. "DON'T PUT THAT ON ME! YOU COULD HAVE SEEN HIM AGAIN!" I yell back, snapping, too. "But you were too fucking busy drinking, so don't you give me shit! You haven't been texting or calling or visiting him! I tried to reach you so many times because I NEEDED YOU! HE NEEDED YOU!" I couldn't believe the horrible things I was saying to her, but I couldn't control myself. "YOU WANTED TO SEND HIM AWAY, TOO, JUST SO YOU COULD IGNORE US BOTH!"
Both of us were visibly shaking, the words we said painful and never to be taken back. I regretted them as soon as they came out of my mouth, knowing I'm just hurting her even more. Why am I so fucking stupid?! I know it's my fault, I should have just admitted to it!
I watched as Sydney's jaw clenched along with her fists. She didn't respond right away, she just stared at me with hard eyes, giving me time to regret exploding on her. The guilt was all mine, not hers.
But then she spoke.
"I hate you," she growled. Another shot was fired into my chest, making me breathless. "Almost my whole life you were leaving us, and coming back, then leaving again. It was always about you, not me, not dad. You could have cared less about us. You're just like mom."
My mouth was dropped, sharp painful breaths coming out. Her words hurt me in ways she will never understand. "Don't you dare say that," I demand, my voice shaky. "I took care of you my whole life. Dad, too. I cared about you more than myself-"
"BUT YOU KEPT LEAVING US!" She cuts me off. "You put yourself over us like always! And then you shipped dad off to the hospital so you could go on your fancy tour with your ex boyfriend! So why don't you just go run back to him because it's obvious you care about your boyfriends and yourself more than your own family!" She fumes. "And don't worry, dad's dead now! So you don't have to worry about coming back to take care of him or me anymore! The burden is gone!" She screams in my face, pointing in the direction of the door. "So after the funeral and all this is over and you leave again, why don't you do everyone a favor and just stay gone this time!"
With that she shoves past me and swings open the door, slamming it harshly behind her so hard that I feel it knocked the wind out of me.
I'm left standing in the middle of this room, shocked and broken hearted. My world is crashing down around me and I can't catch the pieces for the life of me.
Tears are pooling in my eyes and all of my sisters words have brought all the dead emotions to life inside of me. They slam harshly against the walls of my head, screaming and demanding to be felt. Everything is too much and finally a sob breaks out of my lips.
All my cries I held back these past days come out at once, loud and in full force. They're so hard and intense that I have to go to the cushioned bench pressed against the wall and collapse on it, struggling to breathe through my body aching cries.
I sit hunched over, holding my chest because all this pain physically hurts.
My dads dead. My sister hates me. It's all my fault.
I sob loudly and uncontrollably, so much so I can barely hear the commotion outside this room that Syd has caused. I don't try to listen or figure out what is going on because I'm losing myself to my broken hearted cries. I'm weak and all my body can do is shake.
That is until I hear the door to this room open and close, someone hurrying in. The next thing I know I'm being pulled into someone, wrapped in protective arms as they sit next to me. Like a reflex, I curl into the person, my head knowing all along it was Austin.
"Sh... Sh," he coos, allowing me to rest my head against the crook of his neck and sob violently. His hands ran through my hair.
As much as he was trying to get me to calm down, I couldn't. I clutched tightly onto his shirt, soaking it with my tears, it was impossible to hold back. Sadness was pumping through my veins and sucking up all my energy like an evil, evil disease. The pain inside of me wasn't just demanding to be felt, but also trying to take over my body and gain all of it's power.
"Haze..." Austin tries, realizing I was just getting more and more hysterical.
I shake my head against him. "I-It's all m-my fault. I should have... I should have taken care of him. I just shipped him off to be alone and to suffer in a hospital and now he's dead and it's all my fault. H-How could this.. I.. my dad. He's dead and, and I... I.." I started crying even louder and more hysterical then ever, getting hit with a heavy, blunt force that was the realization of what happened.
Austin's hands moved up to gently hold the side of my face, picking up my head so I had to look at him while I wailed. "Hazel, please. I need you to try and calm down, you're going to make yourself sick," he pleaded, but I couldn't stop, I wasn't in control. The pain and sadness were.
They won.
"I had so much more... He can't be dead.. I was supposed to talk to him. I-I should have stayed with him... I'll never be able to see him again," I blubbered through my tears, Austin still trying to get me to calm down.
"Hazel, please," one of his thumbs brushed over my red cheek while his other hand moved to push back my hair that was getting stuck to my face from the wet tears. "Breathe, just breathe.."
My breaths were coming in short, quick gasps. How was I supposed to control them? "I can't. I-I can't," I cried, devastated. "Syd hates me. I hurt her, I hurt her so bad. I-I left them so many times... Oh god, I-"
Suddenly, I was cut off by the force of Austin making a quick movement and pressing his lips hard against mine, stopping my words and blubbering cries.
His hands gently held my head as he kissed me and I was so shocked that it seemed everything slipped from my mind besides the confusion that Austin was kissing me. I was so surprised that for a moment, all I could think about was how his lips were soft and on mine as I let him kiss me.
Both of our lips were parted as he broke away and the room was now quiet, not filled with my ridiculously loud sobs. I stared at him in shock for a moment, my breath still shaky from my crying. But the thing is, I'm not crying anymore. I'm not gasping for breath anymore. And in that small moment, I wasn't bombarding myself with those terrible thoughts. Austin kissed me to make it stop. "You... You.." I stutter, hiccuping lightly. "You kissed me to get me to calm down?"
He nodded. "I wasn't sure if it'd work," he admitted to my shocked face, pulling the sleeve of his shirt down around his hand to wipe of the tears that were still lingering on my face. After, he sighed sadly, his own eyes seemed a little red as he looked at me. "This is not your fault. Not in any way," he spoke so sadly and so softly that my lip started to quiver again, only making him reach his arms out and pull me into his embrace.
It was quiet as my head was buried into his chest and his hand was rubbing my back as we sat on the cushioned bench in this coat room. "Your dad loved you and he knew you loved him, too," Austin spoke softly, trying not to have me explode again. "You did what you thought was best for him and that's all that matters. This is not your fault."
Austin's words touch me, but I don't respond. I just stay silent as I lean into him.
Austin sighs at my silence and straightens his posture, getting me to sit up and look at him. I watch as he digs into one of his pockets, grabbing something that I can't see in his hand before turning back to me. He reaches out with his free hand for one of mine, bringing it closer to him. He takes his hand that holds the item in his pocket and gently drops it into my palm, looking into my eyes as he does this.
"Your dad gave me this last summer," he says lightly, causing my eyebrows to furrow in confusion. I look down at our hands as Austin talks, noticing a shiny golden pocket watch in between our palms. He had this, this whole time? "He made me promise to take care of you, he made sure I knew you were his baby girl," he spoke sincerely, making tears well back up in my eyes. "He wasn't upset that you were leaving, he understood. He wanted you to have the life he never had, but he was just worried because he loved you so much."
With blurry eyes I stare at the pocket watch, one of my fingers gently tracing over it. I think I've maybe seen it once or twice in my whole life, but I know this item is special.
"I know it hurts, I know," Austin continues, searching for my eyes again. "But your dad's not gone. He'll always be with you for as long as you want him to be."
I lift my head up to meet Austin's gaze, my lip quivering at his touching words. All I can do is nod as I bring Austin into a hug, trying to keep myself from crying again. It's now that I notice how much he's done for me.
Austin squeezes my frame to him, returning the hug with comfort until his phone started to go off in his pocket. He leaned back to quickly check it, a small smile spreading on his face when he read it. I look at him with confusion, wondering what could be making him smile right now. Was it a joke from one of his friends? Was he really joking around right now?
Austin stands up from the bench and I just look at him with confused eyes as he reaches a hand out to me. "I have something I want you to see."
Curiously, but also unsurely, I take his hand and allow him to help me up. I clutch the pocket watch close to my heart as Austin starts to gently lead me out of this room. Right as we are about to round the corner, he suddenly stops and turns around to face me. He doesn't say anything though, he just releases my hand and takes a step back, glancing to his right and waiting for me to follow where his gaze went.
Hesitantly, I step around the corner and turn to see what it is.
My eyes widen when I see, standing in front of the door, is some of my closest friends. From my band to the Of Mice boys, even Jason and the Bring Me guys.
I feel my dead heart beat as I see all of them. They all came here to support me. They're all here and each and everyone of them are dressed up nicely from head to toe with suits and combed hair.
Instantly, my eyes fill to the rim with tears. Just like seeing Austin earlier, seeing them all dressed up and here touched my heart. They did this for me.
Quickly I ran over to all of them, a shocked smile on my face and the first tears that weren't full of pain falling. I was immediately engulfed in a giant group hug as I reached all of them, light chuckles going around as we all squeezed each other.
"I can't believe all you guys came," I gushed, attempting to give each person their own hug.
"We had to be here for our favorite girl," Tino says with a small smile as he crushes me in a big bear hug.
"Anything for you, chica," Jason says as he pulls me into him, his beard tickling my skin.
"I love you guys all so much," I cry, squeezing them all to me.
"As we love you, Starr," Oli holds me close to him in a hug and I embrace my old friend tightly back. He kisses the top of my head and I squeeze him even tighter.
There is only one person I haven't greeted yet, and that is my favorite ginger princess. Neither of us say anything as we crush each other into a hug. Alan's sent gives me so much comfort that it makes me want to cry. "Al," I whimper into him.
He squeezes me tightly. "Hey, bub," he whispers lightly back.
That's all either of us say, nothing else needed . The hug already holds enough emotion.
When we pull away I look at all my best friends, feeling a little less like complete shit now. "Thank you all so much for coming," I say, my voice dripping with emotion.
"You should thank Austin," Phil points behind me towards him.
It just now hits me that Austin is the one who did all this. He got them all out here for me. He's done so much for me I'm not even sure how to deal with all the feelings that gives me.
I turn to face Austin who is standing in the same spot with his hands in his pockets and a sheepish, satisfied look on his face. Before I can say anything to him or go to him, he speaks. "There's one last person you forgot to say hi to," he says and I grow confused.
I spin around and glance over everyone I just said hi to. I'm sure I didn't miss anybody.
I turn back around, about to ask Austin what he's talking about when I see a figure appear out of one of the rooms behind Austin. Out from his hiding spot came a tall, wide set man dressed in an army suit. I squint to see who it is, only to have my eyes widen.
My brother.
My hand immediately flew over my mouth in shock and I made sure I wasn't imagining him walking closer to me. His hands were folded in front of him and he looked at me with slightly sad, slightly happy eyes.
"Oh my God," I breathe out once I realize he is real, the tears hitting me full force once again. I don't waste another second to sprint over to him, jumping straight into his awaiting arms and letting sobs out as he caught me.
He slides down forward onto his knees and squeezes the hell out of me. I do the same to him and cry in half sadness, half pure joy. "Oh my god," I repeat in a shaky voice. "Jakey," I call him by his childhood nickname, still not believing he's here. I bury my head into his shoulder, my sobs slightly muffled.
Everyone is watching us and it's not hard to hear some 'aw's and 'oh my god's at our reunion.
"I'm here, sis," his deep voice says to me as I cry, comforting and reassuring me. "I'm here."
I squeeze him tighter, if that's even possible, nearly balling into his shoulder. I'm so, so unimaginably happy that my big brother is here. And in one piece at that. But I'm also so said that the reason he's here is because of our dad.
A long while goes by of us hugging the shit out of each other and me crying, our bodies lightly rocking. I feel much better now that not only are all my friends here, but my brother is here. I'm so relieved.
I eventually lean back to get a good look at him through my teary eyes, an unbelieving smile on my face. "Hey, sis," my brother says simply, chuckling lightly after.
I shake my head and wrap my arms around him again. "I can't believe you're here," my voice cracks.
"I wouldn't be anywhere else besides here with you and pop," his voice saddens.
He hugs me back again, now standing up with me till in his embrace. He sets me down lightly on my feet when we're sturdy, squeezing me one last time in the hug before letting go. As I look up at him, I realize that Austin did this. Austin got my brother here for me.
I turn to face Austin. "You... How did you- I don't even care," I shake my head, now running towards him. I nearly tackle him in a hug, causing him to spin slightly to keep his balance while holding me close to him. After all he's done for me, I have the urge to say something I know I shouldn't. I know my emotions are all over the place and I'm vulnerable and what not, and I know that's the reason I want to tell Austin I love him, so I hold it back. "Thank you," I settle for, whispering it sincerely in his ear.
He simply just hugs me tighter, our bodies shaping perfectly together. I nearly melt into him before he stands up straight and we break apart. I look up into his big brown eyes for a moment, still grasping onto the old pocket watch.
"Here," I hold it out to Austin, hoping he takes my gesture of thankfulness, and also love.
Austin looks down at it, then me, his eyes unsure. "Haze," he starts, but I shake him off.
"You keep it. It's yours," I say quietly, looking up at him with big eyes. He stares down into them for a moment, understanding the gesture, before nodding and sliding his palm under mine to take the watch.
"I'll always protect you, you know," he whispers down to me, his eyes intense on mine.
Something inside my stomach twists as I nod, our hands still touching the other's. "I know."
Notes
Oh my god I am so sorry it took me this long to update! I hadn't even realized it had been this long, the days just flew by I was so busy!! I hope this long chapter full of little affectionate Austin and Hazel things make up for my absence!
And I'm doing my best to be more confident about my writing so all I'm going to say is I am proud of this chapter for how fast I wrote it! This is what I had wanted to happen so I'm glad I made it happen!
I hope you guys enjoy, let me know! And what do you think about Hazel and Austin getting closer/on better terms? And Syd being a snot? poor Hazel:( But her brother!
This all makes me super sad to write! I hope you like this! I'll update soon:) thank you all for the comments and stuff<3
I haven't been on this website for ages now but I'm more than happy to see that there are more chapters to this story ! And even happier seeing that Hazel is doing a little bit better and on the long road to recovery... I don't know when you last posted these chapters so I'm not sure if there'll be new ones soon though ^^' anyway, I love this story as always.
1/5/16