The flight home was long, to say the least... But I'm convinced that was just because I was trapped inside my head the whole time, which made time seem to go by slower because everything was painful.

Austin let me have the window seat, so I was able to watch each cloud go by under us, and then when they cleared out, I saw all the earth beneath me and everything looked so small. It reminded me of how I felt about things right now.. Everything is tiny compared to the big weight, like this airplane, that rests high on my shoulders.

I can't stop thinking about this weight, or how heavy it is, or how I'll possibly lift it all by myself. It terrifies me beyond belief. Home shouldn't be this scary.

Halfway through the flight, Austin fell fast asleep in the seat next to me. He used his bag as a pillow to prop up his neck and his mouth was dropped open, tiny snores coming out. It was quite a funny sight to see, but I felt too bad to laugh at it. It's my fault he's this tired and sleep-deprived.

I sigh and lean my head on the head rest of my seat, facing Austin instead of the window. I look at him like I looked at the clouds and earth below us, studying him. Ever since he brought up the memory with the lollipop earlier, I can't stop thinking about the past. I think about all the happy and hard times we went through, and the mess we created. I think about how things were so good, how I wish I could be back in those times right now.

I see his thick brown hair that is spiked at the top and think of all the times I ran my fingers through it. I see the tattoos that peaked out of the top of his shirt and remember all the times he held me and I buried my face into his colored neck. I see his parted lips and think about how they felt against mine and all the words he said to me through them. I see his slumped shoulders and think of all the times I clung on to them for dear life as he gave me piggy back rides. Just like the time after I confessed I loved him and we went out to get fast food in the middle of the night, me on his back the whole time. I see his scar poking out of his low cut shirt and think of all the times he worried me half to death with his heart. I see his hands folded in his lap and I think of every time he touched me or rubbed my back or played with my hair.

But when all of this is familiar, it seems so much more is new and foreign to me.

His hair was shaved a bit on the side of his head, making it not as shaggy as I remember. His chin was grazed with stubbly facial hair, making him seem more mature. There were creases coming out of his eyes, showing his tiredness. New colors and designs of tattoos I have never seen before poked out all over his skin. And it was a little odd to see him without a cut tank-top on since that was all he wore last summer.

I guess we both changed after the events of last summer. It seems he changed for the best though, coming out with a kick ass album and becoming more and more popular. While I, on the other hand, I look at my hands and I see all the bottles of alcohol they held. I see them trembling as I became uncontrollably angry and sad. I see them cut up from the smashed bottles and clenched from the pain in my mind. I see them gripping the podium at my AA meetings.

Then I start to see them as I hugged my dad, or as I prepared him breakfast, or as I rubbed his shoulder as he freaked out from the voices, or as I helped him take his pills and get to bed, or even as I drove him to the hospital.

I see them and I feel my hands were made for helping my dad. I was made for helping my dad, it's what I did my whole life, especially the past few months. That's all both my hands and I were good for. That's all I knew how to do right and it's what I did to forget about how sad I was and focus on the better.

But I couldn't help him and now I don't know what to do...

---

"Oh, shit. Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep," Austin says as I lightly shake him awake. The flight touched down a few minutes ago and I was finally home. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

"It's okay," I mumble, starting to gather my stuff.

"How are you doing?" Austin asks in a big whisper, trying to make up for the time that he missed. I know he feels bad because he wanted to be awake to distract me from the bad just incase I went dark in my mind again. Which he doesn't have to worry about because it's been dark this whole time.

"I'm okay," I get out, my tone and body starting to go into autopilot. That's the only way I can get through this.

Austin looks at me for a moment, obviously seeing through me, but I ignore it. I throw my carry-on onto my back and wait for him to walk out into the aisle. He lets my response slide and does the same, starting to exit the plane. I follow closely behind him, taking in a big breath when we step off of the plane.

In silence we go to the baggage claim with the rest of the people on the flight and wait for our bags to come around. Austin pulls out his phone and turns it back on as we wait, but I don't do that. I don't want to know if Dom called me anymore, I don't want to know if Syd even responded because I'm about to go see her. So there's not a point for it anymore.

I spot our bags coming and I tug on Austin's arm so he looks from his phone and notices. He does and we head over there, taking them. "Want to go stop and get some dinner now?" Austin asks as we start to walk to the exit.

I think about food and I nearly get sick. Hell, just being home I feel like I'm going to get sick. If I eat and then try to go tell Syd... that won't be good. "I'd like to just go see my sister," I say honestly. "I can't wait any longer."

Austin nods, "Of course."

We exit the airport and step out into the busy world once again. We trail a little bit down the sidewalk, trying to hail a cab. After a good ten minutes, Austin finally gets one and we throw our bags into the back before sliding inside. The driver looks at us expectantly, his eyes squinted slightly in judgement at our appearances. I easily ignore it.

"To Everett Community College, please," I say, the words already making me nervous, knowing Syd is there. The driver nods and speeds off down the road as I sink back into my seat. I take a quick glance over at Austin who feels it and looks back at me. I can tell by the softened look on my face that he can see the fear and sadness in my eyes. But I can tell that he doesn't know what to say or do.

So you can imagine my surprise when his hand slid over to embrace mine, his warm, slender fingers lacing through my own. I look down at our hands, then back up at him to see he is still locked on me with his big brown eyes. I feel something flutter inside of me and I hope it's confusion.

He squeezes my hand in comfort and for once, I accept it. This is the first, and probably, the last time I have held his hand in what seems like forever, and I like it. So I squeeze back, unsure what I'm feeling inside.

*

Arriving to the campus of Syd's college sent waves of nerve racking shivers down my body. My hand grew clammy which is embarrassing because I'm still holding Austin's hand. He never pulled away or made it seem like he wanted to let go, so I never did either. It was the sense of contact that kept me sane through the long ride, even though we didn't share any words.

"Do you want me to come with you or would you like me to stay here and wait?" Austin asks as the driver parks the car. I bite my lip, unsure as I look around.

"I need to be with her alone," I breathe heavily. "But I'd feel better if you were nearby," I admit. I've decided that as long as he's here and can't leave, I might as well use the comfort to keep myself sane. I can't go crazy. Not yet. Maybe after I get the things I need to do, done.

"I'll come with you," Austin states and I nod, accepting as I broke the embrace between our hands and opened the door to step out of the cab. Austin did the same, but made sure the driver would wait here for us since we didn't really know what would happen.

When Austin joined my side we started our walk up the pathway to the main office building. I remember when I dropped Syd off at college they told me if she was to have visitors, I had to come check in at the main desk. So that's what I plan to do.

We arrive at the building and Austin reaches to open the door for me. He actually held it for me this time, unlike that one time he let it slam into my face. I still wonder why he's all of the sudden treating me so kindly. Is it because we had sex?

Before I can start to question myself and him, the lady at the desk greats us. "Visitor passes?" She guessing and we both nod. The lady points to the clipboard on the desk she sits at and I go over, writing both Austin and my name down with the time and who we are visiting, my hand shaking the whole time.

The lady handed us each a slip of paper that I guess was the pass and with that we were out of that building and crossing over to the on-campus dorms. The closer we got, the more I was dreading this. I felt my heart beat fast in my stomach and my hands were clenching to stop their shaking. I felt as if my feet had cement bricks around them, making each step closer harder to push myself to take. But Austin stayed a bit behind me as if to keep pushing me forward and to make sure I don't give up or collapse.

Which I don't think I will, but I might just scream.

My breathing becomes a little unsteady as we reach the door because I'm trying to hold everything in, including my pieces that want to fall out. I lead Austin down the hallways that I know lead to the room Syd is living in. I remember very clearly where it's located from all the trips we made from my car to her room when bringing all her stuff in.

But things are different now as I stand in front of her door, thinking I'm going to be sick for real.

"I'll wait out here, okay?" Austin asks lightly from behind me. I nod, but don't move. I continue to just stare at her door, trying to work up to knocking, but I can't. I can't tell her.

Austin watches me with weary eyes. "Haze, you've got to do this. You can do it." He tries to encourage, but he's wrong.

I can't do it. How am I supposed to? I'll break her heart, I'll make her sad again. She's happy. I'll ruin her. I can't do this, fuck, I just can't I just-

Her door swings open and a tall, blonde girl stands there, looking at me with confusion while I stare at her with wide eyes. "Oh my God, you scared me," the blonde girl laughs, holding a hand over her chest. "Who are you...?" She now asks, glancing over to Austin.

I try to think of an excuse to back out of this, hearing light music on the inside and other voices. "Hazel?!" I hear my sister ask. "Is that you?"

Fuck.

I look at Austin with wide, scared eyes, but he just gives me a reassuring nod. I can't get out of this now.

I turn back to see Syd getting up off her couch and coming over to me. She has a red solo cup in her hand and seems a little off... Is she drunk? "Sydney," I say, my voice quiet and dull.

"Hazel, what are you doing here?" She pushes past the blonde girl to wrap her arms around me. I smell the alcohol on her. I try to brush it off, knowing she's in college and living her life, but I can't help but think about how I turned into a awful alcoholic that had to go to rehab. I don't want her to get like me. Hell, I can't even help but crave for a drink of what's in her cup, especially knowing what's to come.

"Uhm," I stutter as she pulls away and steps back into her room. She waves at the blonde girl who is now leaving. I watch the girl walk away before looking back to Syd. "We need to talk," I say, my voice cracking.

"Talk about what?" She asks, almost in a slur, taking a drink of what's in her cup.

"Are you drunk?" I change the topic.

"Not really, just a little tipsy," she smiles. "But it's no big deal."

"You shouldn't be drinking," I say. I wish she was just sober because this already is going to be hard enough.

"Why, because you think I might end up like you? It's just a few drinks, Hazel," she says. If she hadn't drank she wouldn't have said that, but she did. And since my emotions are all fucked and I'm more than a little unstable, it makes me snap. Again.

I push past her and step into her dorm, heading quickly over to the few people that lounge on her and her roommates beds, chatting and drinking. "Everybody out," I say, demanding. They all look at me in confusion.

"Hazel, what are you doing?" Syd rushes up behind me.

"I said everybody out," I demand again, harsher this time. They all sit up, but don't move.

"Who is she?" One guy asks, pointing right at me like I can't hear him.

"My sister. She's just being weird," Syd tries to assure them. I'm not being fucking weird our father just died! I just need to talk to my fucking sister!

"GET OUT!" I now yell, fists clenching as I look at all the people. Their eyes widen and they stand up, setting down their cups. They glance at Syd.

"Just go," she shakes her head. They all start to walk out. "I'll talk to you guys later."

"Uhm.." The girl who I recognize as Syd's roommate comes up, unsure if she should go to.

"I need to talk to Syd alone," I say to her and she nods before following everybody else out.

"Sorry!" Syd calls right before they disappear and she spins back to me. "What the fuck, Hazel?!"

I squeeze my eyes shut and take in a breath. I feel dizzy and my head is pounding. "Syd," I start, but she doesn't let me continue.

"You can't just randomly show up here and kick all of my friends out!" She exclaims, talking with her hands. I look at her, noticing how she seems different. Her hair is curled, her make-up is done pretty, and her clothes seem a little skimpier. Plus, she's drunk. She never used to drink. "Is this because you saw me drinking? It's college, Hazel, you know fairly well that it happens! You can't get all freaky just because you couldn't handle alcohol like I can!"

"Sydney, please stop. I'm sor-"

"No! I watched you nearly die from being so stupid with drinking so I think I learned my lesson-"

"SYDNEY!" I cut her off, getting her to stop and stare at me. I take in a deep breath and sigh it out to control myself. She pushing me, she doesn't know it, but she's really pushing me to the edge right now. "I didn't just show up here randomly. I need to talk to you," I say a lot calmer, my voice quiet and gloomy. Syd notices.

"Why?"

"Something happened," I state, nearly cursing at myself for using those words. They were the same ones Austin said, the same ones that my dad had so many times. "But I need you to understand something first."

Sydney's eyebrows furrow together and worry lines crease her forehead. "What?"

"I'm glad you're happy," I start. "I'm glad you're here and living your life. It's all I wanted for you and I want so badly for it to stay that way forever," I breathe, trying to keep my composure. She just looks at me even more confused. "So you need to understand that you can't blame yourself. People get sick and you and I, we aren't doctors. We never have been, so we can't blame ourselves," I say, holding my hands out as I speak and man, I sound like such a hypocrite because I'm blaming myself. But it's okay, I rather blame myself than have her do it.

"Hazel, what are you talking about?"

I bite my lip, knowing I have to say it, to break the ice and tell her, but I don't want to. I want to hold it in. Fuck. She has to know. She needs to and it can't wait any longer. It's just something I have to get done.

But at the same time, it's not. This is the moment, the moment when her life will change forever. When I will change her life forever, and not in the good way.

I can hear my heart pump high in my chest and I breathe in one last big breath to prepare myself. I don't have any encouraging thoughts, I just have to do it. I have to be the one to tell her and I have to do it now.

"Dad died last night in the hospital," I say, my voice quivering and so quiet I'm almost afraid she couldn't hear me, but by the way her face fell and paled, I knew she did. It's like I just dropped a bomb in the room and she saw it, now realizing she has seconds to live. It was almost just as hard saying it aloud as it was hearing it.

"What?" Her voice was sad or close to tears, it was spiteful and full of disbelief. It was harsh and I saw her hands start to shake.

"Dad died," I repeat, tears in my eyes when I finally say it aloud. I finally admit it. "Dad's dead."

Silence lingers so loudly that it pierces my ears. I can hear each breath that comes out of Syd and each beat of my heart that has sunk so low I'm afraid I've lost it. She doesn't speak, she doesn't move. She's frozen and I'm trying not to have a breakdown.

Then she snaps.

"GET OUT." Now she is the one making me leave. I look at her completely shocked. "GET OUT OF MY ROOM! LEAVE!" She screams.

"Sydney," I try, my heart slowly falling apart.

"NO!" She lunges forwards to me, making me back up against the nearest wall. "You can't come in here and drop that on me! You can't fucking say that! YOU CAN'T SAY THAT! My dad is not dead!" She's in my face and screaming and I feel my heart explode in agony.

"He is." I say, monotone. "I'm sorry."

"FUCK YOU!" She screams and my eyes widen in shock. Maybe once in her life has Syd ever said something like that to me. Maybe not even ever.

"Don't you dare!" I suddenly yell back, stepping off of the wall to get back in her face.

"This is your fault! Your falt!" Her face is red. "You come in here and you do this! You did this!"

"I had to. You weren't responding to my calls or texts!" I argue, trying to stay a little more calm than she is.

"Because I'm in college! I'm living my life! You ruined it! RUINED IT! DAD IS NOT DEAD, YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT!" She yells, her teeth clench.

"I'm sorry," I try again, my voice true.

"Don't fucking apologize, just get out," she shakes her head.

"Sydney, you can't do this."

"I CAN AND I WILL! NOW GET OUT!" She yells but I don't move, making her get worse. "GET THE FUCK OUT! NOW!"

"Fine," I grit my teeth to hold myself back. "I'll go," I throw my hands up in defeat, starting my way to her door before looking back to her. "When you're done trying to take this out on me, you'll know where to find me," I say, she doesn't even look at me. "I'm always here," I quiet down in sadness. "Dad is, too."

With that I turn and go to her door, slipping out of it. Right before I shut it I hear her cries start to ring in the air and I feel my heart nearly snap into even more pieces. I want to run in there and make it all better and take it all away, but I don't. I know she needs her time alone. I know I can't make it any better.

I'm the one who did this, after all.

Austin stands up straight from the wall he was leaning on when he notices me come out and immediately comes over to me. My jaw is clenched to hold in the cries that want to come out, just like Syd's. I have to close my eyes and breathe in multiple breaths to shut that all down. I can't afford that, I don't want to.

Now that I told Syd, I can start moving down the list of things I need to get done. And I can't have myself crying and being too emotional because that will just slow me down. So from here on out, I go on autopilot.

I can't handle any of the pain on the inside, so I push it out and let something else take over to get me through this all.

Autopilot.

"Hazel," Austin starts lightly, looking at me with concerned eyes. I wonder if he heard anything, or if he can just see me now. I can't look good.

"I need to go home," I say my voice shaky until the numbness kicks in and it flattens out. "Take me home."

Notes

This chapter is a little choppy too, but I just didn't feel like filling in a bunch of un-needed crap! Only whats important like Austin and Syd:) This is getting hard to write because it's SO sad but also I jJUST WANT HAZETIN TO BE TOGETHER !! And I have the power to do that but I can't!! Not yet, anyway ;) But don't you just want them to be togethereedjsgn??

Anyway, what did you think of this chapter? How do you feel about Syd being kind of selfish and mean? How do you think it will all play out? And Hazel going onto "autopilot"? Ahhhh

What do you think will happen? What do you want to happen?;) Let me know<3 thank you all so much for commenting and voting, it truly makes my day every single time!

I hope this is good? :)