With Me Tonight

It's useless to describe what it's like to lose someone.

If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.

That's why I'm okay with Austin being the one who's here, with everything we've been through, he knows that the pain I feel is ripping up my insides with knives. I have no enemy that I would wish this on and apparently, neither does he. Assuming I'm his enemy, that is.

"Take your time. I'll wait out here," Austin says lightly from behind me.

I stand still like a statue in the driveway of my house, my stomach in knots. I've never been inside without my dad. Sure, maybe there were times when he wasn't home and I was in there... but he's never been gone. Not like this.

My feet were like bricks as I started to walk towards the door. I don’t want to go in, I don’t want to see all the memories, I don’t want to feel my father’s essence. I don’t want to miss him because oh God, I miss him so much already. I just want him here.

I want my daddy.


Austin’s p.o.v.

I watched Hazel as she slowly, but surely, made her way into her house. My heart felt heavy as I watched her, the memory of what it was like to lose my mother in my head when I tried to think of how she is feeling. Obviously, terrible. I remember what it was like with my mom, and then living in the house where she no longer was. I remember not thinking of the great things she left behind, but instead, all the things she wasn’t there for anymore. I remember feeling her everywhere I went and hearing her voice like it was coming out of the walls, but yet, she was gone. I remember all the emptiness that I felt and knowing that I will never be able to find something that could fill it up.

And my heart breaks knowing that Hazel is feeling that, or at least something close to that. I wish I could take it away or make it more bearable, but I don’t know how. I can’t just go up and hold her anymore, or rub her back, or kiss her, or tell her it all will be okay, that I’m here for her. I guess physically, I’m able to, but at the same time.. I don’t think I can. I lost that chance when I didn’t do it that time I was supposed to… She’s not my girlfriend anymore, I don’t know where we stand. I don’t know if she hates me, I don’t know if I’m allowed to do anything or if she even wants me here. I don’t know anything…. Besides that I have to be here, to honor her dad’s wishes, at least.

And because I wouldn’t forgive myself if I wasn’t. I still feel the urge to protect her. I always will.
Because over everything, she’s still my Hazel. She still has that piece of my heart, the one that wants to do all those things I can’t.

I sigh aloud and reach up to run a hand through my hair that I probably should wash soon. I know Hazel will let me use their shower, but I want to wait until she’s asleep first, just to make sure she’s okay. I don’t want to leave her alone for too long, even now when I can tell she’s starting to shut down. I guess I should say ESPECIALLY now that she’s starting to shut down.

I debate if I gave her enough time to be on her own inside, not wanting to intrude, but also knowing she probably won’t come back out here to get me. I just don’t want her doing anything stupid in there while I’m only a couple feet away out here.

Deciding that I should go in and check on her, I bend down to pick up all of our bags and walk towards the front door. I remember when I came here with Hazel over the summer, the first time I met her family. I wish it could be like that again, where they’re all still alive. And where our baby is, too.

I step past the screen door, quietly setting all our bags down inside as I look around. I don’t think a thing has changed since I was here last.

Getting all of the luggage out of my hands, I stand up straight, smoothing out my shirt. I glance around to see if Hazel is anywhere, but when I don’t see or hear a thing, I start to head down the hall. I peek into all the rooms that have open doors, but when I look straight into the kitchen, I catch sight of her golden red hair. I’d never classify it as ginger, because it’s nothing like Alan’s, which is like a bright orange. To me it’s always been more of a brown that glowed like it was burning embers.

I start walking towards her, stepping into the kitchen to see her sitting at the kitchen table. Her head is down, resting on her arms that are folded under her forehead. She sits perfectly still, not making a noise and not moving a muscle. I can’t help but think about how fast her mind is moving though. Or maybe it’s not at all.

I don’t know what to say or do. I want to reach out at run my fingers through her hair and comfort her like I always used to, but I hold back. Instead, I make my way to the opposite side of the table and slide into the seat across from her. She hears me because slowly, her head picks up. Her beautiful, light eyes look dull as they find mine. I try so hard to read the look in them, but I can’t. I don’t know what’s going on inside her head and that is something I don’t like. I always used to be able to read her like a book, but lately, after we split up, I struggle to. I guess I just lost the skill and she seemed to change, like I wasn’t studying enough over break or something.

We look into each other’s eyes for a while. I want to say something, but I can’t get anything out, and it seems neither can she. But soon, she takes in a big breath and sits all the way up, brushing the hair out of her face before tearing her eyes from mine and standing from her seat. I watch as she wobbles, a hand coming up to press against her forehead like she was in pain.

I quickly stand up, too, and move so I’m standing in front of her. I think of how she hasn’t ate in like… more than a day. She probably hasn’t slept and has to be weak mentally and physically.

“Hey, woah,” I hold my hands out, speaking softly as I become ready to catch her wobbling frame if she needs it. “Let’s sit back down, okay?” I place the palm of my hands on her upper arms while her free hand rests on my shoulder so I can help guide her back down to her seat.

Once she’s sitting her head goes back down to rest on the table, but not before her eyes lock onto mine and she gives me a look that I can tell is the way she looks when she’s crying, without actually crying. If that makes any sense.. I feel so bad.

“Let me make you some dinner. You need to eat, then get some rest.” I don’t even ask because it’s not something she can decide on. She needs to.

“We hav… I have no food here,” she mumbles, her voice hoarse from the lack of use. I sigh momentarily, sadness in the air when she corrects herself from saying ‘we’.

“I’ll go pick something up, or we can go out,” I offer, wondering if she wants to get out of the house. “Whatever you want.”

I notice her shake her head a little bit, but then stop. She’s probably dizzy. “I have stuff to do… I have so much to start doing…”

“Hazel,” I squat down so I’m level with her, looking up at her head that is pressed on the cool, wooden table. “It’s getting late and you won’t be able to get anything done like this. It will be a waste of time,” I reason. She peeks her head out at me, one eye visible. I may be getting somewhere… I hope. “Let’s get some food in you and then the best nights sleep you can get. Then tomorrow you will be able to get a lot more done and I’ll come and help you, too,” I know there is no way to talk her out of doing the work and planning she will have to do, so I don’t try to talk her out of it, I just try to take a healthier approach with her, a helping hand. “But you’ve gotta do this, okay?”

I look up at her with hopefulness, waiting as she just gazes down at me. Silence lingers for a while until she takes a breath in, nodding her head slightly. I nod back, a relieved breath leaving my lips as I do. She’s letting me help her, that’s a start.

Where the finish line lies, I’m not sure. But at least we’ve started on our path to get there.

Notes

okay here is a really short, crappy, filler chapter. Sorry for the slow updates and the un satisfying chapters.
I added some Austin pov! The next chapter will probably be in his pov, too!

I'm trying to make this all as realistic as possible because I like to feel what Hazel/Austin is feeling and I want you guys to, too! Let me know how I'm doing! This chapter is just a filler, but more are coming soon!

What do you think will happen? Or what do you WANT to happen? :) Let me know what you think of all this!

Also, I was thinking about this earlier and I really want to know what your guys' favorite part(s) of this story was so far! Like out of One Moment and this! Comment and tell me what it is!!:)

I love all you guys, thank you so much for everything!!<3