With Me Tonight

I ended up getting into the shower after Austin's and my weird moment, leaving him to sit on my bed and wait for me. I showered as fast as I could, only thinking about the sent of the shampoo so my mind doesn't wander to more depressing things.

When I finished cleaning myself, feeling a tad better, I wrapped a towel around my wet body and stepped out of the shower. I looked around the messy bathroom and now realized that I forgot to grab a pair of clothes to change into.

I clutched my towel tight to my body as I pushed the door open and peaked my head out a little. Austin looked up, away from his phone he was playing on, at the noise. "Hey, can you grab me a change of clothes? I forgot to," I ask sheepishly and he looks at me, noticing I was in only a towel.

He nods and clears his throat. "Yeah," he grumbles as he stands up, walking over to my suitcase to pull out some clothes. "Uhh..." he scratches the back of his neck. "Do you want like shorts? Or pants? And uhm, you have like three thousand different types of bras in here.."

I almost laugh at how awkward this makes him after realizing how uncomfortable it must be for him to pick me out underwear, but I don't. I can't seem to find my laugh. "Can you find me some jeans, please? Whatever shirt or bra you find will be fine."

Austin nods and searches a little bit more before he stands up with his hands full of clothes. He starts coming over to me but then freezes when he thinks of something. "Hold on," he says and runs out of the room. I look at his figure leave, confused and curious to what the hell he is doing.

When he comes back he still seems the same as when he left, but once he comes over to me to put the pile of clothes in my hands, I notice the thing on the top of the pile is his Slipknot tank-top. "I saw you left this for me last night," he says, a little out of breath from his run, signaling down to the shirt. "And I don't want it back. It's yours."

I don't know what to say as I meet his brown eyes, so I just nod. "But I also grabbed you a sweatshirt," Austin blurts out before I back away. "It's really cold out and you should keep warm," he looks down a bit after he says this, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. Again, I don't know what to say, so I nod again. "Thank you."

Austin looks back up to me and sends a tiny smile. "Yeah, sure," he accepts my thanks and takes a step back so I can go get changed.

I sigh and head back into the bathroom, shutting the door and standing in front of the mirror. I see that I look exhausted, but I don't let myself think about it much as I start to get dressed. I slide on a pair of skinny jeans after I get my (surprisingly) matching underwear on, then I pull on Austin's... my Slipknot shirt before covering that up with a big, warm hoodie. Austin actually did a good job at picking me out clothes.

I threw my towel somewhere in the already torn up bathroom before heading back out to sit back on the ground next to Austin. I look at all the food Alan brought up for us, seeing Austin already ate a good amount, and decide that I still feel nauseous.

"Want the last muffin?" Austin asks, grabbing it to hold in front of me.

I look at it and shake my head. "No, you can have it if you want."

"I've already had two," Austin says in a tone that I can tell is supposed to make me laugh. I just look at him and he sighs. "Please eat," he says and I look down at the muffin again. My stomach feels tight and food does not seem like it will feel good inside of me right now. I don't feel good in general.

"I'll eat later," I say and Austin gives me a look. "I will, I promise. I just don't feel good right now."

Austin looks at me for a minute, but then gives in with a sigh and nods, setting the muffin down.

The sound of the door getting shoved open caught both of our attentions and we listened as Alan huffed in exhaustion before he dropped all of his bags on the ground. I could hear his footsteps as he came over to my room and when he got inside he smiled at me and came to sit on the free side of me. I noticed he had a laptop in his hands.

"I stole this from Jordan," he said as he opened it up. "Hopefully he doesn't have any porn on here."

It's easy to tell that both Austin and Alan are trying their hardest to make me laugh, or at least to keep the atmosphere light. But it's not working. I appreciate it, I do, but I'm not in the mood for it. My world is crashing down around me and I don't think jokes will fix that.

Alan sighs at me and I watched the screen as it lit up. He immediately went to the web browser and to find the delta airlines website before handing the computer to me. I sat up and started my search for the quickest possible flight home, my fingers tapping impatiently as it loaded while two pairs of eyes watched me.

"7:45...10:00....12:15.." I started to read off all the flight times I found listed.

"Our flight to Illinois is at 11:30, if you do the 12:15 one you can come with us to the airport," Alan offers and I nod. The other too times I'm too late for anyway.

"Okay," I mumble, singing into the website to buy myself a ticket.

"Hazel, will you be okay? By yourself?" Alan asks next, biting on his lip as he looks carefully at me, like I might break if he looks to hard.

I breathe in a deep breath. "I have to be."

***

Alan starts to help me pack and clean up the hotel room while Austin goes to pack his own stuff. I don't have much because I leave most of my stuff on the bus, but I did make a mess with everything.

It's silent in the hotel room as we all get everything done, no one having anything to say. Both Austin and Alan are walking on eggshells around me, waiting for me to freak out or break down or just... go numb again. But I won't, I have things to do that can't get done if I'm laying in bed crying.

"Haze," Alan gets my attention. I look up from him when I finish zipping up my suitcase, watching as he comes to sit down on the bed next to it. "I can cancel my show. It's one show, the fans will understand."

I sigh, Alan has been trying to convince me that him, or even Austin, should come with me. He worries about me being alone, which is kind, but I won't let him cancel his shows for me. Sure, I'd feel a lot better if I wasn't alone, but I have to be. This is my business and just because the tour is ruined for me, doesn't mean I will let it be ruined for him.

"No, Alan. I won't let you cancel your shows, I'll be fine," I try to convince him as I grab my suitcase and set it upright on the ground.

"Hazel, you're my best friend," he stands up so I have to look into his eyes. "You're more important than a show."

His words hit me, especially because he says them so sincerely, and I really start to debate if I should let him come with me. Alan sees that he might have convinced me and hope grows in his eyes, but I realize that I'll be dragging him through all my depressing shit and he doesn't need that. This is my business, not his.

I sigh, shaking away the thoughts of giving into him. "I love you, Al, but I've got to do this on my own. Your fans need you."

"But you need me, too, Hazel!" He exclaims, distressed and talking with his hands in the air.

I smile sadly and appreciatively at him, trying to show him with my expression that it will all be okay. That I'll be okay, even though I'm not sure if I will.

Alan looks down at me, huffing and obviously upset that I won't let him help me. It warms my heart that I have someone like him here for me, so stand on my tiptoes to reach over and pull him into a hug, trying to show him this. "I'll be okay," I whisper to him and soon his body relaxes and he returns the hug.

When we pull away, Alan looks down at me and in his eyes I see how he is struggling to believe me. He knows me that well. But before he can say anything else, Austin walks in. "Buses leave in five," he informs us gently.

I move my gaze from Alan over to him while Alan still looks down to me. I send Austin a small smile to let him know I heard him before grabbing my suitcase and starting to walk over to him. He has green camouflage pants on that bag over his skinny legs and a plain black tank top under his zip up hoodie. He has his hair spiked up and I notice he has a lot more of it than last summer, but most of it is hidden under the hood of his jacket that he has up.

"You good?" Austin asks me as I come over to him, leaving Alan in the same spot. The question has more meaning than it seemed and I know Austin is really asking if I'm ready for this, but I chose to answer it as if he's asking if I am all packed up.

"Yeah," I mumble and head past him over to the door. I make sure I have my phone with me before I wait for them to hurry so we can leave. I'm anxious, yet terrified, to get home.

Austin and Alan are still taking their sweet time and talking to each other in my room. I hear Austin ask if everything's okay, but I can't catch anymore of their conversation.
While waiting for them, I bounce nervously on my toes and turn my phone on to see if I had any messages, preferably from Syd.

Of course, I don't. I had three missed calls from Dom.

Angrily, I turned my phone back off and shoved it in my pocket, trying to take deep breaths to keep myself calm. I don't want to think about how he tried to rape me. I don't want to think about what happened with Austin after that. I don't want to think about my dad. I don't want to think about what's going to happen now. I don't want to think about anything, in fact. I wish I could turn off my head.

"Okay, ready?" Alan and Austin come back out, bags in hand.

I nod and grab my backpack from the table, putting it on my back and then going to pick up my suitcase. Before I reach it, a tattooed hand is already grabbing it. I follow the hand up and meet Austin's eyes. "I've got it," he says lightly, his brown orbs so big and warm it makes my dead heart beat. I continue to look in his eyes, thinking back to when a few weeks ago he probably would have thrown my suitcase at me instead of offering to carry it..

When I realize that we've been looking at each other for too long, I snap my eyes away from him and stand up straight, letting him take it for me. I send a shy, thankful smile, which he returns before I quickly turn away and open the door to leave because I feel myself start to blush. I can't believe he made me blush. Why are we so shy around each other?

Stepping out into the hallway, I shook it off and realized I was being stupid and selfish. I can't be worrying about Austin and fucking blushing when my dad is dead.

My dad is dead.

Thinking these words make it hit me again and I feel like I'm about to sink into the floor boards. Or at least I want to. Anything to escape this pain.

I didn't realize I stopped walking until Alan and Austin caught up to me, both on each of my sides. "Did you forget something?" Alan asks when he gets to my side, noticing my sudden stop.

It takes me a minute to respond because I forget how to get my head screwed back on correctly and breathe. It's like the grief and pain is choking me, making me light headed and half alive. "No," I try to say, but it comes out as a whisper. I clear my throat and try again. "No. I, uh, I thought I did, but I remembered I already grabbed it," I lie. Alan looks at me and I know he's trying to see right through me, but to distract him I reach down to intertwine my arm with his. I need the sense of comfort.

He looks down at our arms and thankfully lets it go. "Okay, let's go then."

We head down the hallway and take the elevator to the lobby. When we get there, only the boys from Bring Me The Horizon are down there, but they are getting ready to leave as well. "Starr!" Oli smiles, coming over to wrap me into a big hug while Austin goes to return our room keys.

"Hey, Oli," I say, but my voice is a quiet, sad whisper that gets Oli to immediately pull away.

"What's wrong, love?" He asks, his face scrunching in worry.

I don't want to say it aloud, so I look to Alan for help. "Haze, do you want to wait for us at the bus?" He asks so I can escape.

"Yeah," I nod and mouth him 'thanks' before heading out of the hotel. The Of Mice bus is parked out front so I go to it and sink to the ground in front of it, resting my back against the wheel as I bring my knees up to my chest. How am I supposed to tell everybody, especially my sister, if I can't even tell Oli?

I let my head fall down and rest against my knees, closing my eyes and trying not to think about things to much. But it's nearly impossible because when I close my eyes all I see is my dad killing himself and my family breaking apart.

A little while later I can hear Alan's voice in the distance. "Haze? Hazel?" Alan's voice is now front of me, his hand shaking my shoulder lightly.

I was so absorbed in my head that I didn't even hear him come up or try to get my attention. "Hey," he tries again, putting his hand on the side of my head and getting me to look up to him. I didn't notice I had been crying until his hand brushed some of the fallen tears away. "Let's get you in the bus, okay?"

I sniffle and look to my suitcase that he has with him. "I should go put mine on my bus," I stutter as I sit up.

"They are fine on my bus, just like how you are going to be," he says, grabbing my hand to help me stand up.

"Al," I try, but he cuts me off.

"You're not letting me come to Washington with you so I'm going to make sure you are okay until then! I don't care if you think I'm annoying, but I'm not letting you be alone. You said you needed me and well, here I am," he says sternly, looking at me intensely as we stand in front of his bus door. "And anyway, I still think your band members are dicks."

I almost smile at him, but my face feels heavy so I just nod, but give him a thankful look. "Okay."

"Okay," Alan repeats, nodding before he turns and leads me inside of his bus.

Once inside, I noticed that Aaron, Phil, and Tino were all squished in the back lounge playing xbox, leaving the rest of the bus empty and open. I was kind of glad because now I don't have to tell them what happened and can just plop down on this couch. Which is exactly what I do.

Alan threw all our bags in the back before coming back to me and sitting next to me, his arm going around my shoulders and allowing me to lean into him. I sigh and do so, trying to find comfort in his sent. We sat here in silence as we waited for Austin, but he was taking too long and I was becoming impatient, so I sat up and pulled out my phone. Alan looked at me curiously.

"I have to call my band and tell them I'll be missing," I say, dialing Sammy's familiar number.

"Are you sure? Do you want me to tell them?" Alan sits up, offering.

I shake my head no, bringing the phone up to my ear. It's time to start doing things myself and taking responsibility. I can't have Alan doing all my dirty work that I can't man up to do.

"Hello? Hazel? Where are you, bus call is in two minutes!" Sammy stresses immediately over the phone.

I take a deep breath in to keep myself composed. "I'm on the Of Mice and Men bus. I won't be there nor will I be at the next few shows," I say sternly, getting down to business.

"Wait, what? Slow down, what is going on?"

"I'm going home and I don't know when I'll be back. Have Izzy fill in for me like she did on Warped, it will work out fine," I say, trying to keep my voice steady and also trying to avoid saying what actually happened. I can't do it, not yet. I need to live in this odd, denial state I'm in for a little bit longer.

"Hazel, what the hell is going on?"

"I'm not ready to talk about it, I'm sorry. Tell the fans I'm sorry, too," I breathe out. "I have to go, goodbye." I end the call as fast as I can, not wanting to explain and not wanting to get shit for being such an ass and bailing on them.

With a large sigh I bring the phone down from my ear and hold it in my lap. I stare down at it for a while, processing what just happened until I came to a conclusion. "I'm such an asshole," I breathe, bowing my head down and bringing my hands up to burying my face in.

Alan's hand was on my back and he leaned over to me. "You have a pretty good excuse to be," he says lightly. "But, you're not. I don't think you could ever be an asshole. A bitch, maybe, but never an asshole," he teases, chuckling a little after. I roll my eyes, feeling a little bit better.

***

When Austin finally joins us on the bus, we head off to the airport. The ride was silent between us all, mostly because they thought I was napping. I laid on the couch, but I couldn't even close my eyes. My mind was running around too much and whenever I close my eyes, I see bad things.

Arriving at the airport, I stayed close to Alan and Austin, trying my best to avoid anyone- especially my band- who would try to come over and talk to me. I was being pathetic and hiding, but my wounds were still raw and I couldn't have the band-aids ripped off over and over again. Not yet, not here.

We trailed behind everyone as we got our bags weighed and then taken away before we headed to security. I think everyone got the hint that we didn't want to be with the whole group right now, so they respected it. Plus, I think my bad is mad at me. Shocker.

Going through security took forever and next thing I know I'm watching everyone start to go board their flight- the flight that I should be on. My heart feels heavy as I watch them all laughing and joking with each other as they hand the flight attendant their tickets and get on the plane. They are excited for their next show destination.

Why did this have to happen to me? Why can't I be happy and joking with them? I wish so badly this never happened to me. I don't like this pain, not one bit.

"Hey," I hear a familiar accent at my side, getting my attention. Oli is standing there and sends me a sympathetic smile. Alan must have told him what happened. "I'll see you around, love," he says lightly, reaching in to give me a hug. I return it, touched by his kindness to say goodbye to me and thankful that he didn't bring anything up.

"I'll see you around, Oli," I say quietly as he kisses my cheek and then starts heading to board the plane, too. He turns and waves before his figure disappears.

"Just say the word and I won't get on that plane," Alan is now standing next to me. I turn to look up at him, but he's looking at the entrance to the plane, not at me. I turn back to look there too, staying silent. I'm not going to say the word and ruin his time, no matter how badly I want to.
"Alright," Alan nods and sighs, now turning to face me. "You call me or text me everyday then, you hear? If I don't hear from you don't think I won't fly out there myself," he says sternly.

I look at him, biting my lip to keep myself composed. I feel like I'm saying a permanent goodbye to him and doing so makes this all real. I don't want it to be real. I don't want it to be happening. "I will, I promise," I whisper as he brings me into the tightest hug ever, like he's trying to squeeze the sadness out of me. It's not the same as an Austin hug, though.

"I love you, bub," he whispers into my hair.

I squeeze him back, burying my head in his chest. "I love you, too. Stay safe and don't party too hard without me."

Alan leans back and smiles at me, his eyes sad. "I would never," he teases and I smile sadly through my on coming tears.

We share one more, long lasting, lingering hug before he breaks away and starts to back up towards the plane boarding entrance. Just like Oli, he waves a final goodbye before entering the plane and his figure disappears.

This leaves one more person who has yet to go on the plane. Austin.

He's a little off to my side and I'm too nervous to meet his gaze, so I watch him out of the corner of my eye. He does the same, slowly coming over to me with his eyes lowered onto the ground. It's like we were at the beginning of our relationship in Warped, before he asked me out- shy and nervous around each other.

I think Austin is just going to continue his path to the plane, but he stops next to me, still looking at the ground. We both stand here in silence and my hands are nervously ringing together as we do. "Thank you," I blurt out before I can stop it, getting Austin to look up at me. His big, brown eyes make my heart stutter. "For today... and last night... Helping me," I mumble.

"You don't have to thank me," is all he says before both of our eyes move to the ground again and we fall back into silence.

"Last call for flight 805 to Chicago, Illinois," the flight attendant collecting tickets speaks over and intercom. Her words make my heart drop, signaling that now I'll have to really be alone.

I clear my throat and glance over to Austin. "I guess I'll see you around then.."

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" He blurts out, looking at me with intense eyes.

I breathe in a large, shaky breath, nodding as best as I could.

Austin returns the nod, seeming caught up in his head as he stands up straight and clutches his carry-on close to him. "Okay," he breathes, finally turning to meet my eyes. We both hold the gaze in silence, the look holding something so intense that my breath gets caught in my throat. What is happening? "I'll see you around, Hazel."

I watch as he starts to walk towards the flight attendant, his pace slow, almost hesitant. His hand is swinging at his side while the other holds his ticket. I start to think about how when he gets on that plane, I'll truly be alone with all of my demons.

The flight attendant is waiting patiently for him to hand her his ticket, looking at him with boredom in her eyes, but the thing is, he doesn't give it to her. He holds it to his chest as his head turns to look back at me. Our eyes meet through the distance and he holds the look for a minute before mumbling something to himself harshly under his breath and looking back to the lady.

"I'm sorry, I'm not on this flight," he says and I stand up straight. What the hell is he doing?!
"Please have my bags sent back here as soon as possible," he finishes, leaving the lady dumbfounded before turns and jogs back over to me.

"You idiot! What are you doing?!" I take a large step before he gets over to me to ask him, exasperated.

"I can't leave you," he breathes, stopping his jog.

"Yes you can! You have to!" I say with wide eyes, pointing to the plane he should be on. "You can't cancel your show! Your fans-"

"Alan and Aaron will do an acoustic show, they'll love it," he tries to convince, his voice breathy.

"You have to go get on that plane, Austin! Right now!" I point to it, putting a hand on his chest as to push him towards it. I can't believe he's doing this, he's going to miss his flight!

"No! I'm not leaving you!" He argues, grabbing my hand and pulling it away from his chest. "I left you alone when our baby died and I'm not going to apologize for that because sorry isn't enough! You needed me and I wasn't there and that's the bottom line, no excuses. So I'm not going to get on that plane and regret leaving you alone again." He huffs harshly. "So from now on I'm going to be here, even if you don't want me," he looks down at me with serious eyes. "Your dad told me to take care of you and hell, that's what I'm going to do!"

I'm looking at him with teary, wide eyes and a dropped jaw. His words stunned me into silence and made my heart start to try and push it's way out of my chest. I couldn't think of words to say, shocked and heart broken.

Tears welled in my eyes as I looked into Austin's serious brown ones. "You idiot," I whisper, my voice cracking from my tears.

Austin takes this as me accepting him here and the insult, wasn't even an insult to him. Instead, a tiny smile ghosts over his face as he steps closer to me, watching as I shake my head through my tears. "You're such an idiot."

Notes

:')

This chapter is a little choppy, but I hope the end made up for it?

Thank you guys all SO much for the comments and votes! Keep them up, they sincerely make my day<3

Also, I plan to post my new story soon, but I want to write a little bit more of it so for now, I actually made a trailer for it! It's probably silly and a little embarrassing, but it was actually really fun to make! Basically it's a bunch of clips of Austin and some of the girl that will play my character Bella. Just pretend that all the clips are of stuff they've done and either they are there together, or one of them are recording the other! Use your imagination:) Also, the end gives away what it will kind of be about but the description is: "Bella meets Austin Carlile, but what happens when she gets diagnosed with something other than a cold case of "i'm falling for you"?"....

Here's the link please let me know if you liked it!