We've come so far, it feels so real.
All this time, that we've waited for it.
And who we are, and where we're going to.
All this time, preparing for it.

umh, come so far.
umh, come so far.

So let me know when we get there, if we get there.
Let me know when we get there, if we get there.

In the dark it, feels so, real.
And all this time, we've been sleeping on it.
And who we are, and what we're going, through.
All this time, spent saving for it.

umh, come so far.
umh, come so far yeah.

So just let me know when we get there, if we get there.
Let me know when we get there, if we get there.

Come so far, there's no going back.
All this time, we've been running from it.
And where we are , and where we're going to.
We'll organize a sort of revolution.
We'll organize a sort of revolution.
We'll organize a sort revolution.
We'll organize a sort of revolution


I don't know how long I laid here, not moving a single muscle as I watched the tiny dust particles float in the late night air. A small spot above me was illuminated by the soft glow of the digital clock on the bedside table, giving me a better view of how they would buzz around more rapidly when I breathed harshly out of my nose, creating wind.

Austin had fallen asleep long ago, leaving me here in the quiet with my thoughts. I could hear his soft, even breaths as he slept peacefully next to me. But I, on the other hand... I was anything but peaceful.

Even though my body was sore and tired from our night, begging to relax, my mind would not rest. I couldn't stop replaying the whole day over and over in my head. From when Dom showed up at the concert, to when Austin stopped me from having sex with him because he knew I'd regret it, and then to when Dom still tried to force his way onto me.

And when I got to that, I was left with feeling utterly used and worthless.

Dom only wanted me for sex. And I was so stupid for not seeing it, I just dragged him along, basically asking for it. If it weren't for Austin, Dom would have got his way and I would probably feel a lot worse than I do right now, but still... The fact that it was about to happen or that it could have happened makes me feel like shit.

After I think through that and feel that empty, worthless feeling inside of me, my mind is instantly glued to what happened with Austin. Every breath of his that rolled onto my skin... Every touch.. Every look... Every moan... And even every anger filled, heated kiss was on a slide show in my head. But also, I could still feel it all on my body like it was still happening, making me shiver.

In reality, my body is pretty banged up. Even though I'm not moving, I can feel a very prominent soreness in between my legs. On top of that, my whole body is achy and throbbing from the harshness of last night.

My back is tense, making me think of when Austin shoved me against the wall. My shoulder is bruised, the picture frame we knocked down responsible for that. My jaw is locked up because of how tightly Austin gripped it. My hips are red from how hard Austin dug his nails into them. My breasts are sensitive from all the biting and squeezing Austin was doing last night. And even all of my limbs felt creaky from our bodies battling together. To say we got some anger out is an understatement.

I attempt to finally move to see just how badly it is, groaning when my body feels too weak to get up. But I do anyway, bitting down on my lip harshly to keep the noises inside and not wake Austin. He seems like he could use his sleep... but I just need some air.

I started to search for my clothes and soon, my hand grabbed onto the soft fabric of the Slipknot tank-top that was discarded on the ground. As I took it and stood up, my eyes were on Austin's dark figure in the bed. After last night when I got a taste of his touch again, my body seemed to crave it and so badly have the urge to curl up next to him... But I ignored it and looked down at the shirt in my hand.

Getting up and searching for my clothes only made me feel even more worthless, like I just had some one-night-stand and am now sneaking out on him. Which maybe that's all it was? Maybe now that he knows I have his shirt, he'll want it back? Why wouldn't he? He's probably just glad he got to fight and then fuck me.

In the back of my head, something was buzzing, telling me how wrong I am. I knew something happened last night. The tension and chemistry and amazing sex seconded that, but my mind was too corrupt with the thought and feeling of being worthless to think of that. It's Dom's fault for making me feel this, but it's also mine. What was I thinking? Everything is going to be an even bigger mess now.

Straightening my posture, I took the Slipknot shirt and folded it neatly, placing it on the edge of the bed for Austin to find when he wakes up.

My eyes lingered sadly on it for a minute before I willed them to look away and went to collect the rest of my clothes. The rest of the lights were still on in our hotel room, so when I slowly pushed the door open, I had to squint my eyes.

I made sure not to make too much noise as I snuck out and shut the door behind me, pushing out a big sigh from my lungs after. I'm exhausted... More than exhausted. Mentally and physically.

I slowly dragged my sore, half-naked body over to my bag that was on the floor next to the couch. I grabbed a pair of fuzzy sweatpants to pull on (they had snowflakes on them) and then found my brother's big, warm sweatshirt.

Putting this on only made me realize how much I miss him, and just my family in general. But he's still serving our country like the perfect fucking person he is, so I can't talk to him. Syd isn't responding to me anymore. And my dad... well my dad only has a scheduled amount of time he can talk in the hospital. But man, do I have so much to tell him..

I sigh again, thinking over that I really have no one to talk to. I'm alone and lonely and used and worthless and so stupid for having sex with Austin but also so glad I had sex with Austin deep down.

Basically, I'm a mess.

My head bows down and I cover my face up with my hands, feeling so fucking confused that it hurts. I'm at rock bottom, aren't I? Alone, confused, angry, sad.. do I need to go on? I don't know what to do with myself anymore and I don't think anyone else does either.

I let my body slide down onto the couch, the cushion making an airy noise when my weight bounces on it. I look around, my eyes locking on the picture that Austin and I knocked down from the wall last night. Instantly, images and feelings from last night bombard my head.

I can't stop thinking about it. So much so that the thoughts of the almost-rape with Dom have been trumped. It's funny because that should be so much more serious.. but it's not.

I huffed aloud, sitting up a bit to reach into my bag and pull out my phone that I have been forgetting about a lot this tour. There's really no point in having it when I can't talk to my family... But as I look at the screen, I think of one person I still can talk to..

I'm so desperate for a friend to talk to that I only had a little hesitation before I dialed the familiar number. I can't go any longer without talking to him. I can't go any longer without a friend... Or a best friend in this case.

After a few rings, I realized it was the middle of the night and he might not answer, but since I'm so selfish, I let it continue to call, not caring. "Hello?" He asked, sounding a lot more awake that I thought he'd be.

"Alan?" My voice comes out a lot softer and sadder than I expected, but I guess it made since when I think about how I feel.

I hear a little bit of shuffling on the line before he speaks again. "Haze? Hey..." He sighs and I hope it's in relief. "How are you?" He asks like it's not 3 a.m.

"I'm okay," I say... or lie. "I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No no," he shakes it off. "I've been up watching TV. There's a Walking Dead Marathon on," he laughs a little bit, trying to keep the conversation light. Besides Tim Burton movies, The Walking Dead is Alan's and my show. I laugh a little bit in return, but it's not enough for Alan. He can see through it like always. "Is everything okay, Haze?"

"I... Uhm..." I want to tell him everything is fine, but I can't seem to lie like that. He wouldn't believe me, but also because the whole reason I called is because I need Alan. "I guess things are a little fucked up," I laugh dryly.

Alan sighs, knowing that things are very, very fucked up. "Wana come over to my room?" He asks simply, knowing this time that we both need it.

I hesitate a bit, knowing things are a little unresolved and awkward between Alan and I, but then I realize that it's Alan... "Yeah.. Yeah, I'll be over in a sec, okay?"

"Awesome."

Alan and I say a quick goodbye since I'll literally be seeing him in a minute. And when I said I'll be over in a sec, that was almost literal too because it only took me that long to get up without putting shoes on and then leave to go across the hall to his room.

I knocked on the door quietly so I didn't wake anyone else out, waiting only a moment before it opens and Alan's figure is revealed. His orange hair is messy on his head and his pale frame is shirtless, showing off some of the new tattoos he's gotten.

We stand in silence, not exactly sure what to say to each other. But, I guess we figured it out because we both opened our mouthes to speak at the same time.

"I'm sorry," we both said, our voices overlapping each other, making us both laugh. Just like that we fell into our best friend relationship again, where everything is easy.

"No no," Alan shakes his hand at me, smiling a little bit still. "I'm sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about, I was an asshole who didn't take your feelings seriously. I didn't put my best friend first, and that is the worst thing I could do, especially when it's something as serious as Austin."

He teases a little bit, but I know he's serious, so a smirk plays at the corners of my lips. "I accept your apology," I state, watching as Alan's face lights up into a smile.

"That's all I wanted," he smiles, leaning over to pull me into a hug. I sigh as I hug back, glad to know I have him. "C'mon," he pulls me into his room when we break away. It's filled with about 10 times more trash than mine and has shit just piled up everywhere.

"You're such a slob," I roll my eyes as he pulls me over to his bed.

He snorts. "Not a slob, just an oddly organized person," he states as he sits down on the bed.

"So a slob?" I tease, joining him and crossing my legs as I sit on the bed across from him.

"Not a slob," he argues again, but then chuckles. "But I don't think you're here to argue about the cleanliness of my life?"

I sigh, bowing my head down. "Not exactly.."

"Is it what happened with Dominic?" he asks, getting me to shrug.

"Not exactly.." I repeat, not knowing how to say aloud that Austin and I just had sex. I think Alan would have a stroke.

"Tell me what's wrong, Haze," he says softly, his voice pulling my head back up to look at him.

"What do you do when you fuck up? Like badly?" I ask, gnawing on the inside of my lip, also changing the subject a little bit.

Alan starts to laugh a little, chuckling as he speaks. "What, do I fuck up that much that you come to me for this wisdom? Damn."

"Oh my God, it's a serious question," I reach over and playfully shove him, watching as he laughs more and then tries to control himself, holding out his hands while he does.

"Okay, okay. So, this fuck up?" He raises an eyebrow, still teasing. This is serious and he's not taking me seriously.

I groan and let my body lean forward, my head falling down far enough to rest on Alan's knee since he, too, is sitting with crossed legs. "Alaan," I whine. "I did something bad," I mumble into him, hearing him sigh at my words, now coming back to the serious reality.

"I can't help you if you don't tell me what happened," he speaks quietly down to me, his hand coming down to rest on my back.

"I know," I huff as I sit back up, rubbing at the back of my neck while I look at Alan who seems to be worried. He probably thinks this is about me almost getting raped by Dom, but compared to that it's just something stupid. "It's with Austin.." I inform him, afraid to say what happened.

But I don't have to because Alan's distracted hand reaches up and lands on the side of my neck that was exposed by my sweatshirt shifting to the side when I moved. His eyes were set hard on something and I had to put my head in a very uncomfortable position to see what he was looking at. And when I did, I saw the hickey marks Austin left on me last night, making me gulp.

With hesitation, I looked up to Alan who seemed to be putting together all the pieces, his eyes widening when he finished the puzzle. "You did not!" He raised his voice, eyes snapping back to me. "You had sex with Austin!" He yelled, and I reached over to put my hand over his mouth.

"Sh!" I hushed him, afraid of him waking up the people in the room next to us, but also not wanting to hear it aloud. It made it real.

"You had sex with Austin!" Alan exclaimed in a hushed voice when I took my hand away, shocked. I couldn't help but notice his expression falter before he shook it away and replaced it with excitement.

"Why are you smiling about it?" I asked, shocked as I squinted my eyes at him after ignoring what just happened.

"I just can't believe it! This is so good!" He forced out in a voice that wasn't too loud so I wouldn't have to shush him again.

"This is not a good thing," I groan, giving him a look.

"Why not?" He asked like it was hard to believe this was bad.

"Because... Because... Alan, this is going to make everything worse and more confusing and-and-"

"And brilliant," he smiles. "Seriously, Hazel, what will this make worse?"

"What will it make better?" I retort, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Everything," he starts. "You and Austin... You're meant to be."

"Why do you keep saying that?" I ask quickly, looking up at Alan with eyes that hold confusion and fear. I have no idea what I'm doing or what in the hell I am supposed to do.

"Because you are."

"How do you know that?"

"You haven't killed each other yet, that's how I know," he states proudly, getting my attention on the subject. "You've survived a week together and neither one of you are dead or beating each other up. If you were to put me and my ex in the same room together, we'd be trying to stab each other in seconds," he snorts a laugh."But you guys... You guys are different."

"We've come pretty close to killing each other..." I say hesitantly, trying to argue with him, knowing deep down that he is right.

"Yeah, but you haven't," Alan smiles. "You've even had sex!"

"Stop talking about it," I groan, bowing my head down to rest on his knee again. The thought of it gives me a headache because it's so damn confusing.

"Wait," Alan stops his rant. "You had sex... like just now? Like I'm your rebound?" He laughs. "But why are you here? And not there, with him?"

"Because I can't be with him, Alan. We aren't together.. We won't ever be," I say solemnly, looking him in the eyes..

"Why not? Huh, Hazel?" He persists. "You two loved each other... You still do! And you were together last night, and you've been living with each other for a week, and you still have his shirt, and-"

"Alan!" I cut his rambling off, sitting up straight once I had enough of it.. "I can't be with him because he couldn't be with me when our baby was dead!"

Alan's face falls almost immediately, but I'm not finished.

"He left us. And then he went with some other girl and got drunk and told me I killed Jelly Bean. And he said... He called me a monster, Alan. I'm just a monster to him," I'm nearly out of breath when I finish and Alan is looking at me with sadness in his eyes.

"Hazel, if you don't think he beat himself up for that every damn day, then you are so, so wrong," he breathes out and I just look at him in silence. "He was just a mess that day after hearing what happened and he got way, way too drunk for his own good. Austin always says stupid stuff when he's drunk."

"He also does stupid stuff," I grumble.

"He never got with another girl, Hazel," Alan states, getting my head to snap up to him. His eyes meet mine and by the look in them, I know he's telling the truth. "He told me what happened and he left her at that bar. He went to look for you, but he was too drunk to figure out where he was so he got a ride back to our bus and drank more."

"He.. He didn't cheat on me?" I ask quietly, suddenly feeling bad for accusing him of doing so. Sure, I thought that in the heat of the moment, but the only reason that thought stayed with me was because I needed something to fuel my hate towards him so I don't sink into a bad funk of emotions. But now, it makes sense... Austin's been cheated on before, he told me he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy, so why would he do it to me?

"No," Alan reassured, catching my eyes so I could see the truth. "And he was so sad Hazel... So mad. He blamed himself. He still does, but he's good at hiding it. I know him as good as I know you and I know he still loves you. Just like you still love him."

His words keep me silent, my head running around in circles on my neck.

"So that's why you should get your ass back over to that room and work shit out for good. And when you do I'm going to be right here laughing and telling you everyday for the rest of your life 'told you so'," he chuckles. "Because I did. And I'll tell you again. You two are meant to be, Hazel Hendrix."

I bite at my lip, looking up to Alan with hesitation, but I am also starting to believe him... I can't help it, it's like I'm thinking with my heart and not my head, but either way, I'm still thinking it. Because I know he's right when he says it's a good thing we haven't killed each other yet. And he knows Austin fucked up, but he said Austin has been beating himself up for it. That's all I wanted, right? Him to pay for what he did? Or was it for me to pay for what I thought I did?

And Alan sees this because he moves so he can get closer to me, looking me dead in the eyes as he speaks. "Go back to him, Hazel. He's waiting for you."

"I can't-" I start, my one breath being immediately cut off.

"Don't give me that crap, Hazel," Alan says sternly, almost as if he's scolding me. "You can and you will because you love him. You never stopped and neither did he and everyone deserves a second chance, even Austin.... Especially Austin," he looks me dead in the eyes, getting me to be shocked into silence while my mind freaks out. "If you're not ready to forgive him then at least try to work things out. At least let him know you're willing to because I know that you are, Hazel. And I know you want to be happy and I know Austin can give you that."

I'm at a loss for words, looking at Alan with an expression that is asking him for help because I'm scared of the feeling thats going on inside of me. It's forgiveness.... Forgiveness for the one person I swore I'd never talk to again. The person that made me cry, scream, yell, drink, and so much more. But most of all, the person that I miss and love and hate all at once.

"Haze, what will this make worse?" He asks his old question again, persistent with a smirk on his face because he knows this time I don't have an answer. God damn him and his stupid convincing ways. God damn.

The next thing I know, Alan took my silence as a good sign and hopped off of the bed. He ran around to my side and grabbed my hand, pulling me off of the bed and over to the door. "Alan, what are you-"

"I just want you to be happy, bub," he cuts me off again, stopping in front of the door and looking down at me. "You know that."

I nod, a smile teasing at my lips in response.

"So stop being so Goddamned stubborn and get your ass back into that room and back to the person you are really supposed to be with right now," he demands, his voice changing from that sweet tone so fast that it surprised me. "Okay?" He leans forward, looking into my eyes to make sure I read him.

Which I do. And he has a point. I can run away and make things worse and more complicated, or I can suck it up for just one night to try to talk to the one person that is causing me all this stress, and sadness, and confusion. I've got to do this for myself to be happy, like Alan said. I've got to stop moping and take control of my fucking life. I can't just keep whining about this.

"Okay," I breathe out, getting Alan to lean back and smile.

"Okay," he responds, opening the door for me. I gnaw on the inside of my cheek as I look up into the hallway, then back up to Alan for reassurance. He nods to give me that, and then signals into the hallway.

But before I go, I move forward to quickly wrap my arms around his neck in a hug before backing away and stepping into the hallway. We smile at each other from the small distance, no words needed to be said before he gives me another nod and shuts his door, leaving me to summon all the courage I have.

I take in a deep breath to do this, repeating Alan's words in my head that this won't make anything worse as I turn to head back to my room. I can feel my heart beating in my chest as I think about what might happen. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this, or even to forgive Austin, but I know I need to do something besides whining.

And this is me taking action.

I get to our door and pull out the room key to open it, millions of scenarios running around in my head to what I might do or what might happen when I get inside.

But everything stops when I open the door to see Austin awake and standing by the couch in front of it. His back is to me and he is without a shirt, but still has flannel pajama pants on. I can now see all the marks I left on him, too.

"Austin," I call his name before I can stop it from coming out as I step into the room, shutting the door behind me.

He quickly spins around, his eyes widening a bit as he looks at me; an expression I wasn't expecting. I almost snort a laugh, but then suddenly, a deep feeling in my gut lets me know something is wrong when I get a good look at him. His eyes are red and lightly rimmed with tears and his face is in an expression that holds sadness and pity as he looks to me.

My heart picks up speed again, confused and full of worry.

"Hazel.." Austin breathes, his voice about to crack as he steps towards me, his hand reaching out to me while his other hand was gripping onto a phone that he must have just been using. The action scares me and makes me step back because I know that is an action of comfort which means he has something to comfort me about which means... something bad.

I look at him with wide, scared eyes, my hands starting to tremor lightly from the pace my heart is going. What the hell is going on?

"Hazel, something happened..."

Notes

Omg I'm sorry it took me so long to update and that this chapter is so bad! I just hadddd to get something up tonight because I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow morning for a whole week! I'm so sorry the updates are delayed but I promise when I get back they will be so much better!

I've had family staying with me this whole week and that consists of two baby cousins which are absolutely crazy and so needy so basically I was babysitting 24/7 haha! (one of them just threw up on my laptop and I it was so gross, I thought I'd share :p)
I hope you guys at least somewhat enjoy this chapter that i wrote in two seconds and feel free to comment and give me something to read on my multiple hour car ride tomorrow!

I love you guys! All your comments are amazing so thank you so much! I'm so glad you're enjoying! And sorry to leave you on this cliffhanger omg haha!