With Me Tonight

I remember when I was in fourth grade, my favorite hamster named Barney died.

I was at school when it happened, so I didn't know what to expect when I got home. But I remember seeing my dad sitting at the kitchen table, hands folded and a soft expression on his face as I came in the door. I didn't think much about it, too excited to tell him all about my day that was filled with pointless, but oddly amusing adventures that an average child would have. I was halfway through my sentence telling my dad about my math teacher that gave me an extra piece of candy, when he lifted me up to sit on his lap. "Hazel," he said, his voice serious enough to get me to quiet down. Every child has a strange fear of their parent's serious voice. "Somethings happened to Barney."

It was those same words that told me my grandpa passed away a few years later. And after that, when my mother had gotten so drunk she ended up in the hospital. And then when I found out that my mother had left us, my dad still used those same words "Something happened."

So now, as I stand here, staring into Austin's red eyes, I feel my heart plummet down into my stomach. I felt as I did that first time my dad had broken terrible news to me; confused, scared, and helpless.

"Hazel, somethings happened," Austin repeats in a gentle voice, taking a step closer to me. As a reflex, I push myself back against the door to get away from him, not wanting his comfort because I don't want to have anything to be comforted about. Every movement, look, and action of Austin's is scaring me that I have to get as far away from it as possible.

Austin noticed my reaction very clearly and tried to reach his arm out again. "Hazel, do you want to come sit with me?" His voice was so soft and so gentle as he gestured toward the couch that I right now would prefer it be him screaming at me. I mean, what's worse?

I looked at him with widened eyes, not accepting his gesture. "No, I'm fine here."

"I think it would be better if we sat-"

"Why?" I blurt out, my tone harsh because I'm so fucking scared. Austin just gives me a sad, sympathetic look that only makes me freak out even more. "Why?!"

"Hazel," he spoke, trying to avoid the question and the ultimate problem so much that I couldn't take it anymore. I don't want to know but at the same time I need to know.

"What happened?" I ask harshly, but got no response, just another look from him, like he didn't want to tell me. He didn't want me to know. "What happened, Austin?" My tone rises.

Silence lingers for a little bit more, but Austin finally lets his hand that is pointing to the couch fall in defeat as he realizes he needs to tell me. He tries to keep his head up as high as possible, keeping his strength for me as he looks me in the eyes. All I see is pity and it makes me want to throw up. I swear I'm going to be sick.

"It's your dad..."

Like a gunshot to the chest, the words hit me like a bullet. But at the same time, I tried to pretend like I had a bullet-proof vest on.

"I'm so sorry, Hazel," Austin's voice lowered and cracked as he tried to reach out for me again. The sadness in his voice had my heart picking up speed and my brain starting to expect what he might say next, but I tried so hard to pretend like he wasn't going to say it.

"No," I breathe a breath out harshly. "Why are you sorry?" I huff in a panic, but Austin leaves me in silence again by not responding. "Why are you sorry?!"

Austin's eyes rimmed with wet redness as he said the next words that no bullet-proof vest could protect me from, and no bullet could hurt worse than. "He passed away, Hazel. He died a couple of hours ago, I'm sorry... I'm so so sorry," his voice fell to a whisper and he wasn't sure what he should do because he didn't know how I would react either. "The hospital called your phone, Hazel, I'm sorry."

He just... he had to be lying. This wasn't right. It made no sense. He's lying. He's making it up. How could my dad be gone? He was doing fine. He was fine! Austin's just doing this to fight again! He's lying!

"No," I breathe, trying to find my voice that was lost by the shot of his words. "No," I'm more sturdy this time, determined to prove him wrong. "You're lying. You're fucking lying!"

"Hazel, please just come sit down with me," he begs, reaching out to me.

"No! You're lying to me! You're just trying to get back at me for... for.." I couldn't think of a reason why off the top of my head, making panic set even more in my bones. My breathing picked up and I couldn't place if my heart was in the bottom of my stomach or stuck up in my throat, trying to make me sick. I'm gona be sick.

"Let's go sit down, okay?" Austin tries again, and this time actually steps forward to grab my wrist. This sparks something inside of me, letting me know this is the real world, and I can't help but lash out.

"NO!" I scream, slapping his hand away and shoving him back by his chest. "You're lying!" I yell out, shoving him again. He tries to grab me to get me to calm down, but I can't help it. I'm in hysterics. "YOU'RE FUCKING LYING!" This time I lose control of myself and bring my hand up to slap him across the face.

This action gets me to freeze when I see his head fly to the side from the force of my hand. My skin tingles, making the realization of what I did set in. It's too much, but Austin doesn't react. He doesn't scream, or yell, or lash back... It only makes it more real. And it makes everything real.

My hand, and whole body, starts to shake with realization and sadness... I try so hard to keep my strength to prove him wrong, because he has to be wrong, but I'm slipping. This can't be happening, but it is.

"You're lying," I repeat once more, my voice shaky and soft as tears finally start to well in my eyes and pour over. Austin hears my voice crack and shakes off his slap to the face, moving to start bringing me closer to him. Now, I have no more fight. I feel weak, knowing that my denial is failing. Knowing that everything is failing. "You're lying," I whisper once more in a soft cry as Austin pulls me into his chest and a sob breaks out of my lips that were once in a thin line to hold it in.

Cries broke loudly out of my mouth as Austin's arms wrapped tightly around me, keeping my body steady as it started to collapse on him. "My dads dead," I cry, my voice quiet and weak in a whimper as my body shakes. "My daddy's dead..."

Notes