Come Waste Away With Me

The day before was a total blur. It scares me to see how my body was reacting on its own. The thought of killing myself never came to my mind yesterday yet I almost committed. I wouldn’t be lying in this bunk on the tour bus. I would have never seen my brother or father again. I wouldn’t see the smiling faces of the band anymore. I rubbed my eyes blinking back tears. I guess it’s time to go face my brother and tell him sorry for acting like a brat. When Alex brought me back to the bus the guys weren’t there and I was so relived. I went to sleep right after that while having a dream about my brother hearing about my almost suicide. After that dream I vowed I would never tell him. I threw on an oversized sweatshirt then crawled out of bed.
I walked into the main part of the bus quietly but no one was there. I’m not surprised. They probably had a meeting or something. I shuffled through the cabinets looking for coffee. Finally I found it and made a cup. I brought the liquid to my lips and felt it heat my body. I really needed to smoke. Oh how I love that I need to rely on something to make me feel a bit better. It makes me feel weak. I placed the cup down on the table and went to the back of the bus. I raided Alan’s things trying to find a cigarette but he must have taken them with him. A sigh escaped my lips. I decided to go walk around and tell Austin sorry later. I couldn’t just stay in the bus with these horrid thoughts passing in my mind.
I kept the sweatshirt on along with leggings and my vans. I opened the door of the bus and jumped out. The sky was full of clouds no sun shined down. I wandered around it was mostly quiet not many people were walking around. I saw a familiar face so I trudged my way over to him. I sat down next to him when he noticed who I was he smiled. “Hey Ari.”
“Hi Andy.” Andy was a part of We Came as Romans. “What’s up?” I popped the p.
“Just hanging no one is up yet; except you.” He bumped my shoulder.
“I couldn’t sleep, nightmares are no fun.” I shrugged my shoulders. “And well my brother is around here somewhere when I woke up they were gone or they never came back to the bus.”
“You want to talk about the nightmare?” I shook my head no. “That’s fine I won’t pry.”
“Sorry I just don’t want to think about it.” I frowned slightly.
“That was some scene yesterday you and you brother had...” He looked at me hoping he didn’t hit a nerve.
“He is just treating me like a baby. Honestly I am over it, I overreacted.” I faked smiled.
“You both overreacted.” He chuckled.
“Sorry you had to witness that.” I was sorry I didn’t want people thinking I was overdramatic
“Oh it’s no big deal all siblings fight once in awhile.” He took out two cigarettes. “Something tells me you need one.”
He handed me one then lit it. “Thanks.”
“I’m guessing Austin doesn’t know about this habit.” He stated.
“Austin doesn’t know a lot of things about me.” I leaned on his shoulder hoping he wouldn’t care and he didn’t but he did move his position so his arm was around my waist.
“Well you can talk to me.” Before I took another drag of the cigarette I looked at him to see his face. He sounded so sincere I wasn’t used to that.
“Maybe one day, I don’t open up to people often.” I looked away from him.
“Are you comfortable?” I felt his body shake from laughing. I like how he changed the subject.
“You are a very comfy pillow.” I changed my position so my head was on his chest. “Do you mind?”
“Not at all.” I don’t know why but I felt my face get hot. It’s not like was trying to send the wrong message though. Most people probably thought I am trying to get in his pants which is not true. Truth be told I have never had sex with anyone not after I was raped. The reason was that everyone hated me; which meant no one wanted to date me. How sad is that? Not that I’m asking for anyone’s pity. I liked it here. I have been here for not even that long but everyone accepts me. Well it seems like they do.
“Shit, give me your cigarette.” I handed it to him before I could ask why.
“Your brother is coming, should we reposition ourselves?” I shook my head no.
I looked up and saw Austin walking towards me. I changed my mind instantly; I really needed to talk to him. “Actually I should go apologize.”
“Good idea. See you later.” He grinned and helped me up. He held my hands longer then he should have but I didn’t mind. I hugged him then turned and started walking toward Austin. Alan was walking next to him which doesn’t surprise me at all. What did surprise me was that Alan’s face was like stone it had no expression. He told something to Austin then turned on his heel and walked away. I really didn’t understand what his problem was.
I pulled Austin in for a hug. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten mad.”
“No you were right I shouldn’t treat you like a little girl even though you are my little sister.” He hugged me tighter. “And as your brother I’m obligated to scare any guy who likes you. So, is there anything going on between you and Andy?”
“No there isn’t; we were just talking.” I pulled away from him and hit his shoulder. “You are impossible.”
He giggled. “So are you so we are even.”
“What’s up with Alan?” I couldn’t help but ask.
“Nothing he just needed to go do something that’s all.” He didn’t look at me.
“Is there something you aren’t telling me?”
“No. Now you have a job to do miss merch girl.” He pulled me along to who knows where. He isn’t telling me something. Did something happen?
“Where were you guys all night and in the morning?” I questioned.
“Oh we just hung out with some bands and had a few drinks and stuff.” I nodded not answering. “And Alan found this girl and they disappeared and I don’t want to know what happened but he was wasted.”
“Oh.” I answered trying not to sound hurt. “Sounds like you had fun.” They weren’t even worried about me… Did they even notice I was gone? And Alan was with a girl? My heart felt like someone stabbed it. He can give me dirty looks if I’m talking to a guy but he could go sleep with a girl? Now I was mad, he had no right to give me those looks.
“Where did you go though?” Austin interrupted my thoughts.
“Oh I hung out with Alex then I went to bed early.” Most of it was true. “Not as exciting as your night.”
“Well we should all do something tonight!” He looked at me with a childlike expression.
“What do you have in mind Mr. Carlile?” My amused voice took me off guard.
“Well I don’t know we could all hang out and not argue.” He winked.
“Sounds like a good night.” I nodded thoughtfully. I wonder who would be there.
“But first you need to work. You know being a merch girl comes with responsibilities. You have to set up the tent, organize the merchandise, talk to fans, count money, and act nice. The list goes on and on. Of course you won’t be working alone. You will have Brett, Josie, Chloe, and Dave.” He started explaining the job process and the people. Finally a job where I get paid and it’s not even a bad job. I get to sell my brothers band merch and meet new people every day and get to hear their stories if they are willing to open up. I was pretty excited for this.
“Wait but Warped doesn’t start till tomorrow what do I need to do today?” Not that I was complaining I welcome work it takes my mind of everything.
“Well you need to organize everything. Like separate it and get it ready for tomorrow.” He was having a hard time explaining he probably doesn’t know much.
“That makes sense. I’m excited!” I skipped a bit earning a few stares from people and Austin laughing.
“Only you would get excited for this job.” He commented.
“I’m sure everyone else gets excited. It’s a better job than working at fast food.” I countered.
“I don’t know about that.” He shook his head.
“Oh trust me. I don’t even eat fast food anymore. It is disgusting how it is processed and made and ew.” I stuck out my tongue in emphasis.
“You are not ruining fast food for me!” He held his finger out like a parent would do when scolding a child.
“Fine fine, just this job will be fun.” I smiled optimistically. “What do you guys have to do today?”
“Sound check.” He sighed.
“Oh don’t even start you do the least at sound check.” I rolled my eyes at him.
“Exactly it’s boring! I want to perform in front of people nowwww.” He whined. He really loved performing for his fans. The way he is when he comes off stage is completely amazing and unexplainable. That fact that he can change people’s lives just by performing is powerful in its own way. It’s helped him in more ways than I can count. I am so thankful for that because if I lost my brother, I definitely wouldn’t be here today. I’m one of his fans that he has helped through a lot. Of course he doesn’t know that.
“You are an amazing person but you need to stop whining.” I hit his arm.
“You think I’m amazing?” I nodded slightly. “My sister thinks I’m amazing! Finally she sees it!” He yelled so it echoed around us.
“God, Austin keep it down!” Someone yelled from behind us. I looked behind us and Tino was there smiling.
“Tino!” I turned and hugged him.
“How’s my little sis?” Yes he calls me his sister; he is just like a brother to me.
“I get to work today so pretty excited.” I grinned.
“You are excited to work?” He shook his head laughing.
“Did you not hear what I yelled? She thinks I’m amazing; my job is complete now. Come get me angels!” Austin yelled holding his hands out.
“You are not going anywhere!” I said frantically. “Don’t you dare come get him angels!”
“Your job is not complete you still need to perform dude.” Tino laughed.
“I wouldn’t let them take me because my little sister needs me.” Austin chuckled.
“Oh please.” I rolled my eyes again but the truth is I do.
I just realized that we were in the center of everything people were setting up merch tents, carrying boxes, talking, and rushing around. In the distance I saw stages being set up. This is a sight to see.
“Josie” Austin yelled gaining her attention. She smiled and skipped over with a smile on her lips. She was very pretty much more pretty then me. That isn’t hard to do since I wasn’t pretty; but my god I was jealous of her. She had wavy highlighted brown hair. She had light blue eyes that I would die for along with full lips. There goes any self esteem I had left.
“Hi Austin. Hi Tino.” She greeted them before her gaze fell to me. Her smile grew wider. “Is this Ariana? Hi! I’m Josie.”
“Hello.” I smiled kindly at her.
“Well Austin I’m going to take her now because we need to work.” Josie said talking my hand which I hesitantly gave her.
“Bye Aribear.” I waved goodbye to my brother.
“You ready to start working? Oh you’re going to enjoy it!” She was a hyper girl. “It’s really fun actually and I promise you that you with have so much fun.”
“Yes I’m ready let’s go work.” She pulled me along through the crowd. She seemed so nice I hope it stays this way and I hope the rest of them are nice too.

Notes

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