Come Waste Away With Me

Last night we went out to dinner at a small little restaurant and everything was back to normal. Austin was smiling and laughing. Alan and I were talking again and it was just perfect. I just hoped that it would stay that way. When we got back to the bus we all crashed in our bucks. When I woke up we were in another city in Washington. I jumped out of my bunk, to my surprise it was only six in the morning and I wasn’t tired. I decided to take a quick shower before everyone woke up.
I picked pieces of clothing before closing myself into the small bathroom. I turned on the shower reaching into my shower bag to retrieve my shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and my razor. My finger hit something sharp. I pulled out the shiny piece of metal I forgot I put in there. I stared at it before I threw it back into my bag. I promised.
I unwrapped the bandage on my arm revealing scratch marks and three day old cuts. I frowned while I stared at them. I finally noticed the scars that permanently marked my skin. I could never get rid of them but I would wear them proud. I will make my brother proud. I went under the water and gasped in pain as my cuts began to sting. This will be the last time I feel the sting under the water. I squeezed out shampoo and lathered it in my hair; I did the same with the conditioner. I rubbed body wash all over my body before I began shaving. After I was finished with that I stood under the water for a few minutes before turning the water off. I was in the shower for a total of fifteen minutes. The sacrifices you have to make living on a tour bus. Also the water was barely even hot so cold showers are what you usually get.
I began to dry myself off with a towel. I wrapped my hair in the towel trying to soak up most of the water that saturated my hair. I pulled on a pair of underwear and my bra. The towel began to fall off my head. I pulled it off and tossing it to the floor. I plugged in the hair dryer not caring if I woke the guys up. It took me about five minutes to get it almost dry. I left it down and natural. I put on simple makeup. I pulled my with cat tank top over my head. You could see my bra through the sides of the shirt but I didn’t mind. I pulled on my bright blue jean shorts that have studs on the one side. I fastened my mom’s necklace around my neck and all I needed to be ready was my shoes. I walked out of the bathroom; I placed my dirty clothes on my bunk. I will take care of those later.
All the guys were still passed out, figures. The bus was quiet except a few snores. I found cereal and poured myself a bowl and began eating. My phone buzzed. I picked it up and unlocked it.
Come to the merch bus around eight - Dave
I will be there – Ariana
It was seven-ten now. I cleaned the bowl and put it back before checking my Instagram. I have a lot of requests. Holy cow, so many notifications. I looked through it for a bit before closing the app. I sighed might as well just go now. I walked to the back of the bus to get my combat boots. I laced them up, just as I finished them Alan walked out with a bad case of bed head. “You look cute.” I smiled innocently.
“I look damn sexy.” He responded with a yawn. “Where are you going?”
“I’m a merch girl remember?” I laughed.
“When you need to be there?”
“Eight.”
“Crap, I’ll be ready in five minutes. Nice shirt by the way.” He winked before he rushed to the back of the bus.
“I can go by myself.” I crossed my arms.
“No, Austin insisted.” I frowned but didn’t protest.
“When you’re done getting ready can you bandage my arm? It’s difficult to do it myself.” I knew how to do it I just completely forgot and if I had to do it will take much longer.
“Of course.” I heard him answer and shuffle around. He came back out holding a bandage and alcohol. Wordlessly he began to clean the cuts; it stung. He wrapped the bandage around it. He looked at me when he was finished. We were eye to eye since I was sitting on the couch and he was kneeling on the ground in front of me. He was dangerously close; I felt his breath on my face. I bit my lip unsure what to do. But then Andy flashed through my mind and I pulled back.
“We have to go.” He stood up as the words left my mouth. “Thank you.”
“Oh you don’t have to thank me.” He was looking in every direction but at me. I don’t want things to become awkward again between me and him. We walked out of the bus in silence. We walked to the merch bus in silence the only time he talked to me was to say good bye then he hurried back to the bus. I frowned and kicked a pebble and watched it skip across the cracked pavement.
Of course I wanted to kiss him but I couldn’t not now. Why did he choose to do that now? Did he even want to kiss me or was he just caught up in the moment? I decided to push what had just happened out of my mind. I knocked on the door to the bus. It swung open revealing a smiling Dave.
“You are right on time.”
“That’s a first for me.” He moved out of the way so I could step into the bus.
“That outfit makes you look hot.” I blushed at his blunt statement.
“Dave! Leave her alone.” Brett yelled. “Sorry about him but you better get used to it because he won’t ever stop.”
“Sorry.” Dave held his arms up in surrender. “I’m just trying to compliment a beautiful girl.”
“Come on, we need to go set up the tent for the girls.” Brett kissed Josie’s cheek and Dave winked at me before they both left the bus.
“Hi Ari; feeling better?” Josie offered me a hug.
“Honestly not really. Working will help me get my mind off of it; hopefully.” I gave her a small smile.
“Are you having guy problems?” Chloe asked.
“Is it that obvious?” I grimaced feeling my face go hot.
“Well I noticed you and Andy and Alan and now Dave.” Chloe grinned from ear to ear.
“You make me sound like a whore.” I shook my head. “Nothing is going on with Dave. Alan is complicated and Andy I really don’t know.”
“Explain!” They both yelled excitedly.
“Well with Andy, I just met him. He’s sweet and a great kisser. But I don’t know him at all. I don’t know if we will go anywhere with this.” I sighed.
“With Brett, I got to know him first. I mean he liked me for about two months before I felt ready to go on a date with him. That’s just me though.” Josie explained.
“But we don’t know how she deals with things.” Chloe gave Josie a look.
“I was drunk and high when I kissed Andy.” They just stared at me. “Austin doesn’t know.”
“You were drunk?”
“And high?”
“Yes, at the time it felt right but I don’t know now. I was trying to forget about someone.” That made me sound completely horrible. I am a horrible person, who was I kidding? I continued picking at every flaw.
“Let me guess; that person is Alan.” Josie smiled. Why was she smiling? I am a terrible person.
“Do tell.” Chloe sat down on the couch with her legs crossed.
“I have known Alan for about two years. I met him when Austin brought him into the band. We didn’t get along that well at first. We never hated each other but we barely talked. But right before this horrible thing happened something just clicked and we became close. After the thing happened, he became one of my closet friends. We would hang out, text, talk on the phone, and go out together. We are never not talking; the only time we aren’t talking is when he’s on stage or is sleeping. But when we came here; he became distant and I found out he was seeing a girl from my school who bullies me. He broke up with her after she blew up on me. Things went back to normal until this morning…” Wow that was a rant.
“What happened this morning?” They were so intrigued in the story.
“We almost kissed but I pulled away.” I frowned. “I pulled away because I thought of Andy. Alan won’t talk to me now. I’m so confused.” My head fell into my hands. I had no idea what to do.
“Alan tried to kiss you?” Josie looked at me with wide eyes. Chloe smacked her on the back of the head. “I’m sorry sweetie.”
“Don’t be. I put myself into this mess.” I had to get myself out of it.
“Can you tell us what happened a year ago?” Josie asked hesitantly.
“I suppose.” I sat down and I pulled my knees to my chest. I hated speaking of that day. But in order to get better; I can’t keep it bottled up inside. “I had my friend Mason over and everything was just like it usually is when he came over. We were laughing and joking with each other like we would any other day. So I didn’t think anything of it when he asked if I wanted a drink. I drank it without hesitating. I began to feel dizzy afterwards.” I took a shaky breath. “He brought me to my room. I don’t remember much but he raped me. I can still hear his laughing.” I felt disgusted and I cringed. I felt sick thinking about it.
“That bastard!” Chloe shrieked before she jumped up and hugged me. I soon felt Josie’s arms wrap around me too.
“I haven’t kissed anyone until Andy kissed me.” I always thought that I would kiss Alan though. “He didn’t get caught though, even though my brother fought and fought. His sister has harassed me even worse after that.”
“Is that why you self-harm?” Chloe whispered.
“How did you know?” I gaped at her.
“I used to…” She smiled sadly. “I still look at people’s wrists to see if they do or did. Then the bandage showed me I was right.”
“Oh, you stopped?” This gave me hope.
“It’s a never-ending battle with yourself. I relapsed a few times but don’t let that stop you from trying. I know it’s hard but you can do it. I have been clean for seven months.” She grinned.
“I promised Austin that I will try to stop.” I half-smiled.
“That takes a lot of courage; I’m proud.” Josie nodded at Chloe’s words. A few seconds after our second hug; Brett texted Josie telling her to bring the boxes.
**
We finished setting up everything in just an hour. Warped Tour opens in an hour. We were all laughing and joking around when I saw Andy in the corner of my eye. Chloe must have seen me staring. “You figured out what to do didn’t you?” I nodded and she told me to go.
I stood up mechanically and made my way over to him. “Ari! Hey!” He took my hand making my heart drop.
“Andy, I need to talk to you.” I frowned at my words. “Oh.” He pulled me to the side where no one was. “I told you I didn’t want to hurt you but here I am…” I trailed off.
“I knew what I was getting into.” He couldn’t keep the frown off his face.
“I’m just a big mess right now; I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize; I understand. We don’t know each other all that well.” He smiled softly.
“You aren’t mad?”
“As long as we can stay friends.” I grinned at his words.
“Of course!”
“I still expect you at our show.” He winked.
“I wouldn’t miss it.” I kissed his cheek.
“I better get going though. See you in a little bit.”
“Bye, Ari.” He hugged me.
“Bye.” Well that went surprisingly well…

Notes

Ari's outfit http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=111280338

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