30th June;
Austin and I didn't do much at a during the day and I didn't speak to or see anyone but him. I took Austin clubbing, he was nervous but once he ha something to drink I think he was okay. Then I uh.. I gave him poppers. Which is a vapour that you smell and it puts you on a five minute high and uh.. It's stretches your asshole.

I didn't tell him about the second thing it does but he realised and he went bright red. Then we fucked outside the club and he called me mean. He loved it.

1st June;
Austin bright me flowers today because I'm always complaining about how dull my room is and then he proceeded on by tell g me that he liked me. But, because I told him before that feelings ruin things he said he knew I didn't want him. Which hurt, cause e took what I said the wrong way completely. But after I explained to him that at that time talking about feelings would have ruined things he understood an then he literally begged for me to make him mine. And it was so fucking cute ugh ugh ugh. So yeah, Austin's mine and I'm his and at that point I didn't think things could turn to shit. But.. They did.

I went to Austin's room and he told me to go away. I didn't because I figured he was having an episode. He has MPD and I've never really been around anyone with MPD before so I never really knew what to expect. Anyway, when I went him he just.. He looked at me like I was a piece of shit. He kept telling me to leave him alone, go away blah blah. Then he reached under his bed for his alcohol stash (he has an alcohol problem) and I told him if he opened the bottle I'd knock it straight out of his hand. He didn't believe that I actually would so continued on to open the bottle. Once he'd opened it I knocked out straight out of his hand causing it to smash to the ground and left shards of glass in my hand which I squeezed tightly, making my hand bleed. He got pissed cause yet again, I didn't listen to him and told menu was stubborn and asked me to leave YET AGAIN.

After that he said "I'm gonna reach under this bed. And I'm gonna grab another bottle. And you're not gonna do a damned thing about it." Then shrugged. He really shouldn't fucking doubt me so much. I told him; "Do that and I'll smash every fucking bottle in this room." He tested me again and told menu wouldn't ten thought he'd try and talk me out of it by saying "I'll get rid of all your shit." This really didn't do anything at all since my drugs aren't as important as him. So he pulled out another bottle, taking a sip from it and I done what I said I would.

I snatched the bottle away from him, throwing it against the wall. (I was really pissed at this point.) then I moved onto the floor and pulled the bottles that were left out from under the bed. There was maybe five or six. I cupped them all in my arms (which resulted in me dropping one and made or smash) and move to the bathroom, setting the remaining bottles down and poured the liquor down the sink. Austin grabbed me once during this an followed me into the bathroom. Then he told me to "Just. Fucking. Leave." Which I ignored, biting my tongue but I end up yelling at him anyway, telling him not to fucking test me no don't say stuff if I'm not gonna do it. Resulting in me smashing the last bottle to the floor and I moved back into the bedroom. My hand was stinging like fuck now since it had alcohol in it Bethany made me wince.

Then he called me an ass and told me if I didn't leave, he would i replied telling him that if he done that I'd just follow. Then he took off and from here is where shit gets fucking terrifying and the inevitable happens.

He headed down the hall to the garden and sat down on the grass. I sat just a few inches away from and kept quiet. Really a he kept on doing was asking me ton leave him alone for god knows how long and you'd have thought e would have figured out by now that I WASN'T LEAVING HIM. I tried to be comforting and nice and wrapped my arm around his back, rubbing over it an then... He told me I was pissing him off. I was taken aback by this. I mean, I know he didnt mean anything he was saying but that didnt make it hurt any less. I moved my arm away and cowered down, holding back some tears.

He told me why he was put into the asylum, though. Which I'm not gonna put here because people keep managing to read through my diary and what he told me was personal. But bad shit happened and he blacked out... Doesn't remember a thing.

"Leave leave leave leave blah blah blah.."
"I don't even know what I'm capable of, Alan."

"I told you I'm not listening. I don't care what you do to me, Austin."
"I just want you to be okay."

"I'm pissed. Fucking irate. And you're just going to sit ere as say you don't give a fuck what happens?"

"I'm going to sit here and say I don't give a fuck what happens to me, yes."

I spoke. Too. Fucking. Soon.

He grabbed my shoulders, pushing me into the grass and straddled me, leaning close to my face.

"Really? You don't give a fuck what happens to you?"
He practically spat.
"I really could care less."

Then he pushed his lips to mine, hard and ground down against me roughly. I squirmed around underneath him, I guess... Begging for some kind of escape but another part of me wanted to let him do his shit. (I'm getting sidetracked a little oops."

I moved my hands up, placing them on his thighs and Austin grabbed them tightly and pinned them to my sides. And I think that's when I knew that.. This wasn't sex. This was something different.

"Don't fucking touch me." He breathed and pushed his lips harder.

At this point I couldn't move and I was struggling for breath. My breathing quickened as my heart sped up, having some form of panic attack and I closed my eyes tightly. Austin stripped us both down and I moved to touch him again, just attempting to make this stop but it didn't..

"Do. Not. Fucking. Touch. Me." He warned and for the first time I was... Afraid of him. I didn't want him to fuck me. I didn't want to be outside. I did not fucking want this. I couldn't even find my voice so askin him to stop was really out of the question.

Before I knew it he'd pinned my arms down again and had slammed into me causing me to cry out loudly and dig my nails into my palms. He but roughly over my shoulder and pushed himself faster. All I could get out was "F-Fuck, Austin." He moved his hand down to grab me, pumping me at the same pace as he moved his hips and sunk his teeth down into the base of my neck which made my back arch up off of the ground and held onto his hip with the hand that was free.

Austin brought his head back and up and gripped my wrists again, tighter this time and pushed them hard into the grass and dug his nails in to my wrists.
"I said fucking dont." He spat, a little viciously and slammed back into me.

I squirmed around more this time and panted heavily, squeezing my eyes tighter to let the rest of my tears fall from my eyes and whimpered from the pain striking through me.

Somehow I still managed to cum. Maybe it's cause of my live for sex. But that just made me feel even more disgusting.

Austin came and I moaned out weakly as I did no found enough energy in me to move his hands away from me and pushed him away, turning my back to him.

All he could say was "I told you to leave."
"Just.. Shhh..." I said quietly, looking around for my clothes, wincing from the pain.

Then... He snapped out of it?

He looked over at me and asked why we were outside. I kept my eyes away from him.

"Alan why are we outside... And naked?" He asked, confused.

I told him we just were and threw his clothes to him.

He kept asking me to tell him and I told him I would when we were in bed and in my room. I walked him to my room and ten headed for his, cleaning up the glass from the floor making even more splinters in my palms then headed back to my room. I quickly cleaned myself up as bandaged my hands up before heading back into the bedroom, taking my clothes off and sunk lower into the bed. I couldn't look at him. It hurt too much.

I winced as I moved to the bed which I know upset Austin because his eyes were welling up. He apologised even before I told him what happened and kissed over the bandages gently. I eventually explained everything to him and e didn't react well. He broke down crying and I just held him close.

"I don't care what you have to do. Don't let it happen again. I practically... Raped you, really.."
He spoke so quiet I could barely hear him as the amount of tears that were falling weren't helping at all.

He begged for me not to leave him. Wouldn't I have left by now if I wanted to do that? Then he told me that he needed me. As I told him I wasnt going anywhere and kissed over his face. And then he said he loved me.

Then from there, Austin was back and fuck, he was killing me.

"I think you're beautiful. Your nose. Your lips. Those eyes an that hair. The cute freckles. But.... You're really really reeeeeally beautiful around here." He whispered, pointing to my chest.
"And that's my favourite thing about you."

He turned me into a fucking red thing again and told me AGAIN that he loved me.

And that was that. I still don't know what I should be feeling. But, things can only get better right?

Bye.