Another Messy Ending

I was breathing extremely rapidly as the elevator ascended to Ben and the guys’ apartment. In the fifteen minutes it takes to get from my apartment to theirs, I nearly turned around about thirty times, completely content with the idea of spending the rest of my day watching old movies in my sweatpants and texting friends. Somehow, I convinced myself that this had to be done and I finally stopped tapping my foot long enough to get off of the elevator.

The hall seemed longer than I remember, also much quieter. I forced myself to walk forward, not thinking about the conversation I was about to have because had I done so, I certainly would have bolted for the exit. Stopping outside of their door, I raised my fist, took a deep breath, and knocked twice. I could hear Danny and Cameron, chatting about some nonsense. There was some rambling about James and Sam “always forgetting their fucking keys” and the sound of a beer bottle being set down. Cam was the one to open the door.

“Hey, Jenna!” He gave me a one-armed hug and let me in. “It’s Jenna, guys!”

“Hi, Cam! Is Ben here?”

“Yeah, he is. He didn’t know you were coming?”

“Not exactly.”

Danny, of course, feels the need to chime in, “Ben? Who gives a shit about Ben? She obviously came here for me! I’m one hundred percent man and three hundred percent sex appeal! Ben epitomizes the word ‘pussy’.” He said waving his beer around, chuckling with a huge grin on his face. “He is a pussy and he has a pussy and I ain’t talking about a cat, love.”

“Will you stop talking about my vagina?” Ben yells, bursting out of his bedroom. “It’s fucking sensitive!”

Normally I would have laughed, but I was so nervous that all I could manage was a casual nod while I stood there biting my lip.

“Did you call?” Ben asked. “I didn’t know you were coming over.”

“No… I um…” if only I could speak English, “Can I talk to you?”

“Uh oh,” Cam teased.

Ben raised an eyebrow, “You want to talk?” As if it was an absurd idea. “Sure, let’s talk.” He sat down on the couch next to Cam.

“In private, maybe?” I suggest. This wasn’t going to be made easier by an audience. Ben just shrugged, got up, and started walking toward his room. I followed behind. Ben laid back in his bed, probably where he was before seeing as his laptop was sitting by the pillow.

He looked at me expectantly, “What’s going on?”

“Right,” I paused to keep myself from stammering. Now, before we get into this there’s something you should know. Whenever I have to confront someone, I get really nervous so I tend to just default into bitch mode. It’s awful, but it’s true. Being like that is a defense mechanism for me and I hate it, but I don’t know how to change it. So, I end up saying shit like this. “Listen, I know how you are. I know we’re not dating and I know you like to stumble around bars, intoxicated until you find a nice place to put you’re cock. However, since we are fucking without using protection, you should tell me who else you’ve been fucking.”

He looked taken aback and pissed off. Rather than apologizing for my shitty attitude and trying to rephrase, I just crossed my arms and stood my ground as if I didn’t care that I was being an asshole for no reason.

“Excuse the fuck out of me,” Ben said, getting up off of the bed. “You act like I’m the only one cheating here. Like you’re Mother fucking Teresa! Why don’t you tell me who else you’ve been fucking, Jenna!”

“Oh, shut the fuck up, you know I’m not fucking anyone else! My boyfriend is in Texas!”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean to me? For all I know, you could’ve fucked more people than I have! You could have just come back from a fucking orgy! I barely fucking know you! What makes you think you know everything about me?”

“If you would just answer me instead of making this a big fucking deal—“

“Fine, Jenna! I haven’t had sex with anyone else! Is that what you want to hear? Does that make you feel better about cheating on your shitty boyfriend?”

“That’s bullshit,” I said shaking my head.

He threw his head back, laughing with frustration. “Yes, tell me more about how you know everything about me.”

I rolled my eyes with a disgusted look on my face. “Please, Ben. Everyone knows! Everyone knows you’ll fuck anything with holes in it! It’s not like this is some huge goddamned secret! Don’t act like I’m fucking crazy for asking who else you’re having sex with!”

“I’m treating you like you’re crazy because you’re being a cunt!” He stepped forward so he was really close to my face, staring angrily into my eyes.

“Get away from me,” I said slowly and steadily. He didn’t budge. “Get the fuck away from me, Ben.”

“How about you get the fuck away? This is my fucking room. You don’t have to be here! Just like we don’t have to fuck! I mean it’s like you said, right? I’ll fuck anything with holes, so why does it matter if you’re here?”

I pushed my hair out of my face, “You’re such a dick.”

He seemed like he was about to lose his mind. “You randomly show up at my flat and start acting like a bitch for no reason and now I’m the dick? Get the fuck out of my house!”

Ben grabbed my arm like he was about to throw me out, but I yanked it away and shoved him.

“You still haven’t answered me, so I’m not leaving.”

Ben scoffed with an evil smirk, “Well, I don’t feel like talking to you, so you’re just shit out of luck. Leave.”

I raised an eyebrow, “You know what,” I sat down on the floor, “I really want to fucking punch you right now, but I’m not going to. I’m going to sit here and annoy the shit out of you.”

“You think that three year old, bull shit is going to work?” Before I could say anything, Ben grabbed me by my ankles and was actually dragging me out of his room. I was twisting around, kicking and screaming at him until he finally let go about halfway down the hall to the living room.

“You’re out of your fucking mind!”

“Me?” He was almost literally pulling his hair out. “You’re a goddamn mental patient! You and your shit attitude can get the hell out of my fucking house! Now!”

“I already told you, I’m not leaving until you tell me the truth!”

Suddenly, his voice was severe. “Jenna, you’re driving me to fucking insanity! I don’t have to tell you anything! You’re not my fucking girlfriend! You don’t mean anything to me!”

I didn’t expect that. I went from viscous bitch to whimpering puppy in under a second. My breath got caught in my throat and I could feel my eyes burning, but I was definitely not about to let myself cry. I can say one thing for Ben Bruce, he certainly knows what to say to get a girl to leave. I was mortified when I realized that Danny and Cam heard him say that to me. I started blinking rapidly to stop the stinging in my eyes. Ben just seemed relieved that I finally stopped talking. It was only a moment, but it seemed like I was standing there for hours. Finally, I turned to walk away, but I stopped before I reached the end of the hall.

“If your goal was to make me feel completely worthless, congratulations, you succeeded. I’ll go.” I turned away before I could see a reaction on his face and before he could respond.

As I walked to the door, I could see that Sam and James had made it back during some point in the argument and all of the boys were sitting there wide eyed. I just ignored them and made sure I shut the door behind me.

I took deep breaths, trying to relieve the choked up sensation I was having while silently begging the elevator to hurry up. I didn’t know why that hurt me so much. I was feeling so many different emotions, I wasn’t even sure how to react. I felt angry, lonely, devastated, but most of all used. I would never tell Ben that he didn’t mean anything to me because it wouldn’t have been true. Just knowing that everything we did and all that he said was meaningless… I just felt empty.

Immediately when I got outside, I lit a cigarette and started walking back to my apartment. As I exhaled a cloud of smoke, all of the sweet things Ben said to me popped up in flashes. My eyes started full on watering as the memories disappeared with the smoke. When I realized I couldn’t stop the tears, I just let them fall down my cheeks. The wind was blowing hard as the clouds moved in, sweeping my long hair all over my face. I wanted to scream.

Just as I got my hair to cooperate, I heard someone yell my name. Well, not my name, but “Jenna”. I looked back just long enough to see Ben about a block behind me. I quickly stomped out my cigarette and started walking faster. I don’t know what possessed him to believe that I want to talk to him right now, but I just want to be left alone. And to my dismay, the tears started flowing even faster. Somehow, he caught up to me.

“Jenna, please stop,” Ben put his hand on my shoulder and I pushed it off.

“I just want to go home. I don’t want to talk to you.” I stared forward, refusing to look at him. More specifically, refusing to let him see me cry.

He jogged up so that he was walking backwards in front of me. I looked down at the ground. “I’m sorry, Jenna. I shouldn’t have fucking said that.” I didn’t say anything. “I was just pissed off. I didn’t mean it!”

This made me stop, “Really, Ben? Because it sure seemed pretty fucking genuine to me! People don’t say shit like that to other people! We’ve been having sex for two weeks and you just tell me that it didn’t mean anything to you! Do you know—“I had to stop to catch my breath. “Do you know how fucking horrible I feel?” He looked completely shocked when he saw that I was crying. I couldn’t look him in the eyes because now on top of feeling mortified, I feel embarrassed. “This whole idea was ridiculous. We should just stop seeing each other.”

“I don’t want to stop talking to you!” Ben said taking both of my hands. “I wouldn’t have run down the street after you if I didn’t like you, Jenna!”

“What do you expect me to do? Say everything is fine and we’ll go back to having sex? You really think I’m some dumb whore, don’t you?”

“No!” Ben put his hands on my face. “I don’t want you to fucking hate me though! And I really didn’t mean what I said. I was just annoyed that you wouldn’t believe me.”

Now I was entirely confused, “What are you talking about?”

He was almost laughing, “I told you that I didn’t have sex with anyone else.”

“You were serious?” I just thought he was fucking with me to get me to shut up. “I didn’t know you actually meant that.”

“Jenna, we’ve been fucking every day and I’ve been at the studio the rest of the day. When would I even have time to have sex with someone else?” He took his hands off my face. “You give me way too much credit.”

I was actually in awe, “So, it’s just been me?”

“Yes! That’s why I ran after you. I like you, and I like hanging out with you… and fucking you.” He laughed and I even smiled a little. “I think you’re cool and I don’t want you to feel worthless or sad or whatever. You’re a nice person. I felt so bad and all of the guys were like ‘Shit, mate. You fucked up’.”

I laughed, “Yeah, you totally fucked up. I’m pretty awesome.”

Ben smiled, “So, do you want to come back to the flat?”

“Um, I don’t know if that’s a good idea right now.”

“No, come on. You can hang out with all of us and see a film or something.”

I sighed, “I guess that would be okay.”

“Yeah?” I nodded and Ben wrapped his arms around me. “Are you still angry with me?”

“No, I’m not.” It was so nice to rest my head on his chest.

“Good,” He leaned down and kissed me lightly on the lips. “Let’s head back.”

I hate when people have this much control over how I feel. I went from nervous, to pissed, to depressed, to happy all within the span of twenty minutes. At the time I didn’t even realize how much he was affecting me. I think I just wanted so badly for someone to want me and like having me around. Lately I’ve been used to Zane wanting me to leave him alone. Ben’s been so sweet to me, apart from today obviously, and I wasn’t ready to give that up just yet.

Notes

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