I'm a Monster

A wide smile spread across Everly’s face and a giggle erupted from her lips as she looked excitedly towards Alan who had stopped in his tracks to give her a big grin of his own.

“Everlyy!!” He gasped coming towards her and lifting her out of her high chair. He placed a kiss on her cheek which made her coo as she reached up and grabbed onto his Ray Bans which covered his eyes.

“No, no, no, no, no…” He laughed taking the glasses off his face and placing them on the table.
“Nice try!”

He sat in the booth balancing my daughter on his lap and smiling up at me. “Hi Rae.”

“Hi Alan,” I laughed.

“Sorry, I was late. Got caught in traffic.”

“It’s fine.” I smiled looking down at the glossy menu in front of me.

“How are you?” He asked.

“I’m great!” I smiled.

“I see this little one’s doing swell.” He said reaching down to tickle Everly a bit. “She got so big!”

“Isn’t it incredible? You should see her crawl!”

“I god, I can only imagine,” He laughed lifting her back into her high chair.

We fell into easy conversation over our lunch, catching each other up on the last two months. He told me all about recording the album, far more detail than Austin had given me which I found a bit odd and when I mentioned it to Alan, he looked a bit nervous but brushed it off to Austin being tired from over working himself practically the entire summer.

“We’re already starting to book tours,” Alan said shoving his sushi into his mouth.

“What do you mean?” I asked looking confused.

“Well I mean we go to Australia in a few weeks with Bring Me and then we’re in talks to do a North America with them early next year.”

“…..Australia?” I asked, my stomach dropping.

“Aust, didn’t tell you?” Alan asked looking surprised.

“No, he hasn’t mentioned a thing…” I said leaning over to wipe Everly’s mouth.

“Yeah we leave like…uh…the first Friday of October.”

“That would have been nice to fucking know…” I mumbled.

“Sorry, Rae…” Alan said awkwardly.

“It’s fine.” I sighed. “He’s just been so weird lately. Guess I’m getting used to it as fucked up as it sounds.”

“It’s pass. He’s probably just in a weird mood.”

“I know…” I sighed.

“Well, besides that….what’s new with you?” Alan asked trying to change the subject.

I briefly mentioned how I had been thinking about going back to school lately and he was overwhelmingly supportive, even offering to watch Everly when he was in town if I needed someone to.

“Have you ever watched a baby, Alan?” I asked with a laugh.

No, but she’s adorable and it can’t be that hard.” He scoffed.

“I can’t see you changing a diaper…”

“I wouldn’t, I’d save that for you when you got back.” He smiled making me laugh.

After saying our goodbyes I climbed in the car and wondered what to do with myself now. I didn’t see the point in driving all the way down to Laguna when I was already in Huntington. I decided I’d just head over to Austin’s.

His rental car was in the driveway when I arrived. I grabbed the car seat carefully, making sure not to wake Everly and made my way to the front door. I let myself in, smiling as the smell of Austin’s cooking filled my nose.

“Hello!” I called coming into the house, placing Everly down on the floor to continue napping.
“Babe?”

I made my way upstairs to find Austin perched on the end of his bed, phone against his ear and a look of intent on his face. He shot a smile in my direction when he noticed me standing in the doorway and held up a finger to let me know he wouldn’t be much longer.

I made my way back downstairs and into the kitchen to discover he had pulled pork brewing away in his crockpot. I smiled; suddenly glad I had made the decision to pop over. I started cleaning up for him, wiping down the counters and filling the dishwasher.

“Hey babe, sorry about that…” He said coming down the stairs a moment later. “I was just on the phone with a real estate agent.”

“Real estate agent?” I asked stopping what I was doing to look at him. “Why?”

“I…uh…well my lease is almost up here and I was just thinking about moving.”

“….Oh….” I said suddenly feeling awkward. “Where to?”

“I’m not sure yet. I mean I’d love to stay in Huntington. I’m going to look at places next week.”

“Oh, that’s nice.” I said feeling hurt wash over me.

“Yeah, I mean I was just thinking it’d be nice to have something without stairs for Ev, and maybe a two bedroom so she can actually have her own room.”

“That’s very sweet of you…” I mumbled.

He kissed me on the cheek as he sauntered by me. “Why’d you drop in?”

I shut the dishwasher and crossed my arms over my chest. “I don’t know. Figured you wouldn’t mind.”

“Oh, I just had plans to go out with the pack tonight, you guys can stay though. I shouldn’t be long.”

“The pack?” I asked.

“You know, Tal and the guys? Sunset Ratpack…”

“Right…” I said looking down at my Toms remembering his group of friends he had spent practically the entire summer with.

“I had lunch with Alan today…” I mentioned not looking up from the floor. He didn’t say anything as he added spices to the crockpot so I took it upon myself to fill the silence. “When were you going to tell me about Australia?”

I looked up as I said the last word and I watched his body tense. He turned to face me and we stared hard at each other for a bit before he sighed. “I thought I did.”

“No.” I said shaking my head.

“I’m sorry Rae, it’s just it’s really brief tour…I’m only gone like a week and I guess I just forgot to tell you.”

“Austin, you can’t forget to tell me when you’re leaving the country…I take care of your kid.”

“I know, babe look…I’m really sorry it’s just we slipped this in last minute as something to do for the end of 2013 with Bring Me and if it goes well they’re looking at asking us to open their North American and I was just doing Oli and the guys a favor.”

“Austin, I’m not asking you for a lot but can you please just let me know your work schedule as soon as you know so I can know when you’re around and when you aren’t.”

“Yeah…of course…” He said looking a bit sad.

I was about to make my way over to him, pull him into a hug and kiss him when the front door opened and in walked Tal Cooperman and Ryan Sheckler.

“Dude,” They said coming into the kitchen and greeting Austin. “Smells great in here, man!”
Instantly feeling uncomfortable I decided it’d be best if I went home. I made my way out of the kitchen and bent down over Everly making sure everything was ready to go.

“Raegan, how are you?” Tal asked pulling me in for a hug. As unexpected as his gesture was, he had always been nothing but sweet to me. I couldn’t help but not like him, even though he was always dragging Austin out to party.

“I’m good Tal.” I smiled into his shoulder as we pulled away. “How are you?”

“Good, good.” He smiled. “You coming out tonight?”

“No, I have a child to care for.” I snapped. “I’ll see you later.”

I made my way out of the house, now thoroughly annoyed. I placed Everly in the car and just as I shut the door I turned and came face to face with Austin.

“What’s going on?”

“What do you mean, what’s going on?” I asked. “You’re the one who’s been acting so weird and distant since you got back.”

“Are you mad I’m going out tonight?”

“No, Austin! I’m mad that you don’t have the decency to ever let me know what you’re doing or ever just think about me and Ev first. Look, I don’t want to fight with you. I came here because I was in town and I figured we could come spend the night.”

“Babe, I said you could spend the night.”

“Austin, I’m not going to sit around and wait for you to stumble in drunk later. I came here to see you, not the belongings you live with.”

“Rae, just please stay. Please don’t go home. I feel terrible. I’ll make the guys leave.”

“Austin, please. You’re going to make me look so bad. Just go. Go hang out with them tonight and make it up to me tomorrow or something….”

“I will. I promise. I love you.” He kissed me hard on the lips, helped me into my car, and watched me pull out of the driveway.

“What the fuck am I doing with my life?” I questioned as I drove. Everything suddenly felt so crazy and topsy turvy and I couldn’t help but wonder if it had been like this for months and I was only lying to myself and finally seeing it now.

I pulled out my phone and dialed the only person I knew who could talk me down from anything.

He answered after two rings and I could hear his lopsided grin through the phone. “Hi Rae…”

“What am I doing with my life, Alex?” I asked with a heavy sigh.

He chuckled. “What do you mean? You’re mothering a baby and in love with a rock star and living the so cal life.”

I snorted.

“What happened?”

I poured my heart out to him for a good fifteen minutes of rambling, Alex listening to every single word I said.

“Listen, Rae. From my experience, Austin’s probably just so worn out with the album stuff and realizing he has to go on tour soon and trying to live his life normal on top of being a new dad. I get that he sucks at it right now but the best you can do is just keep working at it with him. You and I both know he’ll come around. Besides, Alan would have told you if something was up.”

“You’re right. I’m just getting all worried over nothing.”

“Happens to the best of us, Rae Rae.”

“When are you leaving for tour?” I asked.

“Packing now, bus picks me up in the morning.”

“Are you excited?”

“Fuck yeah!” He laughed.

“Oh hey, the new song’s rad. I’d love to see you and Vic sing it live.”

“Play your cards right and I’ll guest list you for the Irvine show.”

“If you won’t Jack will so I’m not too worried.”

“Touche Jones…touche…”

Notes