Forgive Me- Part 1

Amelia's POV

*Trigger warning - If you don't want to read this because of the trigger warning I have written a brief summary in the notes to give the info that will be important for the rest of the story.*

Four months, four long months since Jaime left and I haven't done anything. I haven't spoken to my family, I haven't quit my job, and I haven't broken up with Isaac. All the things I said it was going to do while he was gone and I haven't done a damn thing. I have to do something; maybe I can call my mum today and let her know... Jason's there and he'll help me to convince her it's a good idea.

My phone begins to vibrate in my pocket. Jaime? I pull it out to see Isaac flashing across the screen and I am immediately disappointed. Maybe it's a sign though; maybe this is what I am supposed to start with.

"Hey" I answer into the phone

"Hey Mil! I haven't heard from you in ages"

"I know, I've been busy sorry"

"What have you been doing?" Shit, I've been avoiding him that's what...

"Oh I just had a paper due" about three weeks ago, I left that part unsaid

"Oh okay, can I come see you?"

"Umm, actually would it be okay if I came to you?"

"Yea sure, the guys are out so it will be just the two of us here"

"Okay, I'll head over in about 20?"

"Sounds good, love you and see you soon"

"Yea see ya" I hang up, knowing that he would have noticed that I hadn't said 'I love you too' but that is one lie I wouldn't be able to say.

I drive over to the house that Isaac shares with two of his mates and knock on the door. You can do this, you can do this, you can do this. When Isaac answers the door my heart began to beat like crazy, and not in a good way. I knew I was on the verge of a panic attack but I have to get this done.

"Mil!" He pulls me forward and kisses me roughly "I've missed you Mil."

I smile at him which he returns. He leads me inside and I sit on the couch. He sits beside me and kisses me again, this time it was more than an 'I miss you' kiss, it was needier than that. I try to pull away but he takes it as me trying to get more comfortable on the couch so he grips me and lowers me onto my back and hovers above me. I then push him up, I can't move away then he will.

"Come on Mil, the guys rarely leave, it's been almost two years, you can't use the ‘I don't want to rush it’ excuse anymore, come on you know that you want this"

"I can't"

"Why not? Are you embarrassed or something? Because trust me, you are hot as fuck, you don't need to be embarrassed."

"You haven't seen all of me, how would you know?"

"Well it's not like you're an emo cunt or anything" he joked. It hit home, is that what he thought? Is he really that clueless that he would say that to me?

"And what if I was? What if I did cut myself? What then? Would you kick me to the curb?"

"Chill, it was a joke"

"That's not something that you joke about! Imagine how much pain someone would have to be in to be able to cut into their own skin. To have the feeling of your skin being ripped open be relief from what's happening inside of your head. How can you joke about such a sensitive topic?"

"Calm down Mil, your psychology is showing"

"No, it's not my psychology, it's me. You don't know a single damn thing about me and we've been dating for two years"

"Don't tell me that you actually cut?"

"Yes Isaac, I do, and it's fucking sad that it took this for you to fucking realise"

"Amelia I am so sorry"

"No screw you and your sorry! I came here today to break up with you, so consider yourself single"

"What? Why?"

"Besides the fact you’re an ignorant and inconsiderate bastard? I'm going to America, San Diego in fact"

"It's to be with that fucking douche that was here a few months ago isn't it?! I fucking knew there was something going on between you two! You cheated on me didn't you? You’re just as bad as Michael! You're just a fucking emo slut! Get the fuck out of my house I never want to see your whore face again?"

Every word hit home, and to make it worse it was all true. But after hiding so much pain for so many years, I got very used to letting people think I'm okay, and I'm definitely not going to let Isaac see how much he just hurt me. I smile brightly at him and walk with a bounce in my step to the door. His face was priceless. I knew that he really wanted to see me break just then, that he wanted me to become a weak little girl and beg for his forgiveness, but I am not going to give him that satisfaction.

People never realise how easy it is to hide what you're feeling. When you struggle with pain on a daily basis, you get sick of being the pity party and you just want to be treated like everyone else so you make a mask. You hide what you're feeling and act like everyone else, and people being the gullible creatures they are, will never look past the fake smile, they will never look into your eyes and see the pain and suffering that they hold because in all honesty they don't care. They don't want to know that you're in pain; they don't want to have to deal with a person suffering in that way. Unless the pain is physical, no one could care less. They want you to just get over it, or tell you 'just be happy!' As if it was really as easy as that...

I was speeding all the way back to my apartment. The full effect of what I had just done hasn't hit me yet and I don't want to be in my car when it does. I pull into the apartment complex and run up to my room. Once the door closes behind me I break, my mask shattering. He was right; I'm a whore; I'm a fucking slut who cuts herself. I collapse to the floor and break down in tears. God I'm useless! Look at me, I can't even fucking break up with someone properly!

My phone vibrates in my pocket and I pull it out to see that it Isaac. I automatically throw it as hard as I can and it hits the wall and bounces to the floor. I suddenly realise what I just did and rush over to make sure it didn't break. I pick it up to in it shattered. No! No, no, no, no, no! This can't be happening! I need it! I press the home button again and again, begging for it to turn on. I need to call Jaime, I made him a promise and I need to call him. I made a promise. My body begins shaking wildly, sobs wracking my body. I need Jaime, I need him... I

Why? It's not like he really wants you anyway. A voice in my head states, look at you, you're hopeless, you're worthless, no one would want you.

No, that's not true! Jaime wants me! I fight the voice.

Does he though? He hasn't seen you like this has he? And he's probably off right now having the time I his life without you.

No, that's not true.

Yes it is. Do you really think he would want you if he saw you like this?

Shut up! Shut up! My sobs are coming in faster. I stand and rush to the bathroom and run the shower. I go into the draw and pull out the little white box that held my tools. Just holding the box calmed me down, I needed it; I needed the relief, the silence in my mind and they always provide.

I pull off my clothing before I climb into the shower and open the little box. I pull out my favourite razor and carefully put the box aside. I run my hand over my chosen area; all my scars have been healing very well and are fading a great deal. My leg seemed so empty without the jagged red lines running across them. I lower the hand with the razor to the skin and prepare to make the cut. It's been so long, I wonder if it will still feel the same. I press the razor down and drag it across. I flinch as my skin pulls apart but the second the cut is made and the blood is dripping down my leg I feel relief. I need more. I make cut after cut, the water at the bottom of the shower quickly turning red. The feeling was almost euphoric, my head becomes dizzy and I decide that it's time to stop; that has always been my sign to stop.

I stand up and rinse the blood off my leg, wincing slightly as the water guys the cuts. I climb out of the shower and dry my leg before the blood drips too far. Still right where I left it under the bathroom sink was my first aid box. I wipe my cuts with an alcohol wipe and ignore the severe stinging it caused before I pull out fresh gauze and press it to the cuts then bandaging it down. The benefit of being the daughter of a nurse is that you know how to treat your own cuts, and I also knew exactly how deep I can cut without needing stitches.

Once my leg is nicely bandaged I wrap my body in a towel and hobble to my room. I pull on some loose trackies and a singlet before allowing myself to fall into my bed. I automatically regret what I just did. I broke my promise. How the hell am I going to be able to talk to Jaime again knowing that I broke my promise to him? I have to tell him, I refuse to keep this hidden from him, not after how understanding he was when he found out.

God I hope he doesn't hate me for what I've done...

Notes

Okay for everyone who didn't want to read because of the trigger warning here's the summary:

Amelia finally broke up with Isaac and he found out about her 'bad habit', harsh words were exchanged and when Amelia got back to her apartment she had a break down. she smashed her phone because Isaac was calling her but then she couldn't call Jaime and she broke her promise to him and she straight away regrets it.