There are seven billion people on this planet that I have not met, and one hundred ninety five countries I have not visited. Yet I am stuck in not only this insignificant small town, but also this dreadful state of mind, hurting myself by obsessing over that one person I will never get to meet.

Now that everything is over and I'm stuck to drown in my own head, it's all hitting me even harder.

It's like I can feel all the pain, hurt, anger, sadness, and guilt all pump through me. It's like more veins have branched out in my body, designated to push the negative straight towards my heart. But my heart was broken into pieces so the pain is just free to flow around everywhere.

I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it.

I let out a cry that ended up coming out as a growl past my dry lips while I slammed my head backwards, a loud thump sounding out when it came in contact with the wall behind it.

Last night after I got outside the bar and freaked out, Syd finally got me home. She basically carried my dead weight up the stairs to her room since I was too out of it to do it on my own. She wouldn't let me sleep alone last night, so that's why we were in her room.

I didn't sleep at all. How could I? With what was going on in my head?

But then when Syd woke up, I squeezed my eyes shut and pretended to be asleep. I laid there alone for a while, my mind and body begging to slip into the numb trance I was once lying in at Austin's bunk, but for some reason I just couldn't. There was something inside me clinging onto the real world.

Maybe it was hope? Hope that Austin would come back and apologize? Even if I might not accept it. Or maybe it was that I wasn't allowing myself to go into the trance because I know I deserve to feel all the pain loud and clear and harshly pumping through my body.

I don't know anymore.

So here I am now, sprawled out in the hallway with my back against the wall next to the door to my room. I was going to go in, but then the idea of seeing the blood... I couldn't.

I just... couldn't.

But I could sit here and bang my head against the wall to try and numb the stupid thoughts that were ramming at the sides of my head like a freight train. I could barely stand it.

Austin hasn't come back. All the time I had been lying awake I kept my ears pealed to try and hear the door open or his car pull up outside. But I get nothing. I don't even know if he chased after me or if he just stayed with the girl at the bar.

He probably did. I get it. He can't come back to see me because he hates me as much as I hate myself right now. He knows that this is my fault. He's blaming me just like I blame myself.

Maybe if I ate more. Maybe if I wasn't so selfish and pathetic and took care of myself better. Maybe if I hadn't nearly drank myself to death the night we found out. Maybe if I wasn't so weak.

It's my fault. Because of me our baby- our Jelly Bean- is dead. Our little sense of hope and happiness and love.. Our future.. Our miracle.

And everything hurt. My Jelly Bean made me better. I was happy, but now look at me.. I've lost my baby and it seems Austin, too.

And I need him. I need him so bad right now. I need his arms around me and I need him to be here and cry with me. But he's not. He left. How the fuck could he do this to me? To us? Why would he do this? Why?! I don't understand.

How am I supposed to do this?

I can hear the footsteps of Syd and my dad down stairs, even some inaudible chatting, but I still don't hear Austin.

Maybe he went back to that blonde chicks house?

Fuck. I cringed at the thought, anger and hurt pumping through my veins so intensely that I let my head collide back with the wall again. I want to throw something. I want to scream.

And when my head rolled to the side on my shoulders, causing me to catch glimpse of Austin's clothes stuffed in the bag next to me, I wanted to cry. But I can't. Nothing comes out.

Then I notice the tank top of his I have on and suddenly, more rage fills me up.

He's not here. He left me. He left me when I fucking needed him most and went to get drunk. He'd rather be with that fake ass, blonde whore than me? She's more important? Than me? Than our baby? Fine. Fuck him. FUCK HIM!

I grab onto the hem of the tank top and desperately rip it off me. I make motions as if I were going to rip it, but I don't have the strength to do that so I just chuck it away from me harshly.

But then I get overwhelmed with sadness. Austin's not here. My baby is not here. Oh my God...

I reach my hand out as if I was going to grab the shirt, but it was too far away. I didn't want to move for it, I wanted it to come up straight into my hand just like I wished Austin would. But he's not and the shirts not so I just stare at it, my body begging to cry but my mind not letting it.

What is happening to me?

I shook my head, angry at not only Austin, but myself. It's like as much as I wanted to throw him away, I couldn't throw him far enough. Like the shirt. He's still there. And I'm still worrying about him, even though I shouldn't be. He doesn't deserve it. He should be the one worrying about me. But he's not. He's probably just fucking that whore. Like that would bring our fucking baby back!

"God dammit!" I yell out, fists clenching together. Our baby isn't coming back. Our baby. My baby. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

I want Austin. I need Austin. I need him. I need him. But I also want to scream at hit him until I physically can't anymore.

I'm going crazy! I am crazy!

My little outburst has Syd running up the stairs, skidding to a halt when she see's me sitting in the hallway. "You're up," she states, sending me a sad smile.

"Yeah," I mumble back roughly, bringing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.

"Hey," Syd starts, coming over and sliding down the wall so she's sitting next to me. "I love you."

Her words make me want to scream even more. She shouldn't love me. Everyone I love or have loved end up leaving me in someway or somehow. Or they get hurt. At least thats what it seems like lately... I've just never had it good with love and it makes my heart feel weaker and weaker.

"I'm here for you, always. You're my sister," Syd speaks slowly, making sure I hear her. And I do. I really do. "You're strong, Hazel. That's why I've always looked up to you. And I know you can get through this."

She looks up to me? Me?

My eyes fell closed while I nodded sadly, her words really hitting home. And she knew this, that's why she said them. I think she also knew I wasn't going to say anything back, too numb to, so she got up shortly after. "I made breakfast. French toast and bacon, your favorite," she smiles. "Come downstairs when you're ready."

And with that she turns and starts to head back down the stairs, leaving me to compose myself. This is a lot harder than you'd think.

I got control of my breathing first, then huff and reach into my bag to pull out a shirt. It was one of mine this time, and the bad part about that is that it doesn't smell like Austin. His sent gives me comfort.

But he's not here so I don't know why his sent should be allowed to be.

After tugging the shirt over my head and down my torso, I spot my phone lying in the bag. Instantly, I wonder if Austin has tried to contact me.
I don't mean to think this, but I can't help it.

And stupid me reached into the bag to find out if he did, only to feel even more crushed when I looked to find not one notification from him. Not one.

But then at least a million calls and texts from Sammy and Alan.

Alan:

Hazel.

Hazel, I need you to respond.

Austin just showed up drunk as hell. You're not with him. Where are you?

Please tell me you're okay.

I don't know what's going on. Just please answer. I need to know if you're okay.

I love you. We all do.


Sammy:

Hey. I just talked to Alan.

I know you're not responding but I thought I'd still give it a try. Call me as soon as you can, Hazel. We're worried.. Where are you?

I let out a rough, shaky breath as I read them.My heart broke as I did, only being reminded of what happened, even though they don't know, but I felt a little bit relieved to know that Austin was with them.

Ug, fuck.

Me:

Is Austin okay?

Then I opened up Sammy's contact.

Me:

I'll see you soon.

Alan responded immediately, making my phone buzz a thousand times.

Alan:

Hazel!

Austin's fine.

But fuck him, are YOU okay?!

Are you still at home?

Where are you? What the fuck is going on?


Me:

I'll see you soon.

And with that I clicked my phone off and pushed myself up so I was standing on my feet. I ignored Alan's questions because I couldn't even bring myself to type what happened. And he'll be able to see me soon to figure out I am absolutely not okay. Especially if I go near Austin who I so selflessly asked about. Now that I know he's okay physically, I can be as pissed at him as I need to be. Sure, he's probably hurting mentally, but it sounds like he's way too fucking drunk to notice.

I shook my head as I started to make my way to the stairs, taking them one at a time, going as slow as a snail would. I wonder if I just let my body collapse, what it would feel like to just fall down the stairs. Would it feel worse than what I feel now? Better? Maybe it would make me actually cry because I can't do that anymore.

But, I don't fall down the stairs. Instead, I make it to the bottom safely and slowly go into the kitchen. I'm immediately hit with the smell of greasy bacon which only reminds me of when that smell would have made me throw up when I was pregnant. Or when Austin made me the weird fake bacon to eat.

My chest clenched painfully.

"Hazel," my dad's voice rings out when he see's me, immediately getting up out of his chair and coming over. I'm soon engulfed in a big bear hug and he holds me like he used to when I was a little girl.

When he pulls away, I am so relieved that he doesn't say anything. Instead, he just smiles sadly and nods behind him. "Sydney went out and bought some bacon specially for you. It's the fattening, greasy kind, too. Your favorite," he smiles bigger.

He leads me over to the table where Syd is at and she gives me another smile as I slowly plop down into one of the seats. I look at the bacon and I feel my stomach churn. I'm not hungry at all. But I'd feel terrible for not eating it, especially after finding out Syd went and bought it for me.

"You don't have to eat it now if you're not hungry yet," Syd starts and I let out a breath of relief. "I'm not hungry when I just wake up either, but the good thing is it will still be good later."

I nod, thankful for my little sister, and grab the glass of Orange Juice in front of me, taking drinks of that instead. My family knows me well, even when I haven't been here for a while. And I'm so thankful for that. I'm even thankful for the chatter Syd and my dad have because it is a little distracting and not eerily quite like I hoped it wouldn't be.

They didn't bring up Austin or what happened and that was good, but I had to. "I think..." I start, clearing my scratchy throat. They both look over to me expectantly. "I want to go back and preform my last set."

It's the last one of Warped Tour. I was supposed to be packing up to leave with Austin right now so we could head back and get ready to preform, but... Plans change.

Technically I was only supposed to be doing an acoustic concert, but I still know that we have a normal set too. And if I'm not going numb then I know one thing that can make me feel at least somewhat alive again... Music. I need the release right now. And if I can't have Austin like I need to, then I can at least have music. It's one thing that never leaves me.

Silence lingered for a bit and my eyes shut, afraid of what they might say.

"Okay."

Wait, what? Okay? They're okay with it?

"W-What?" I stutter under my breath.

"I know you, Hazel," Syd starts. "I know music will help you. We both do," she signaled between my dad and her. My dad nodded. "I'll drive you up there as soon as you're ready, okay?"

If things were different, I would have jumped out of my seat and crushed them both in hugs, telling them how much I loved them, but a nod was all I could get out. I wasn't in my trance, but I still felt dead.

The rest of the breakfast went fast, especially since I was just drinking orange juice. And soon I was aching to get on stage. I haven't preformed a real set in what seems like forever and now I need to.

Sydney went upstairs to get my stuff for me while I got up to get mine and my dad's medicine. I dropped his into his hand and he easily scarfed them down, while I, on the other hand, took a little bit longer. It made me sad knowing what I was taking these for.

Syd comes back downstairs, dressed for the day with mine and Austin's bag in her hand. "Syd," I speak up, looking at whats in her hand. "Maybe we should leave my bag here."

"Really?" Syd asks, trying not to show that what I said actually made her happy because she knows this isn't a happy time.

I nod. After this last show, where will I go? I don't know anything for sure, but I do know that my family will always be here and I think I need them the most right now.

"Okay," she gives me a warm smile, moving to set my bag down by the staircase, but still keeping Austin's in her hand. It hurts. "Daddy, are you sure you'll be alright here?" She now turns to ask him.

"Yes, stop worrying. I'll be fine. Sitting cooped up in that car for that long will make me go crazy," he chuckles, but we all know he's serious.

"Okay, call if you need anything," Syd says, moving to grab her keys and give him a kiss on the cheek.

I come over to do the same, minus the keys part. "You do good out there, baby girl," my dad says when I pull away. I nod before turning to slide my shoes on and head out the door with Syd.

We make our way out to her car, me getting into the passenger seat while she throws Austin's bag into the back. It is quiet as she gets in and turns the keys in the ignition, the radio not even being turned on.

Syd reached over and turned it up so it was just a low hum, giving us some background noise while I pulled up the directions to our stage location on my phone, ignoring the notifications, and handed it to her. She had a iphone holder in her dashboard that she put it in, allowing her to be able to look at it and drive.

Finally, everything was set and she started to pull out of the driveway. While she did this, I curl into the seat, resting my head against the window.

And that's how most of the ride goes. Neither of us say anything because there is no reason for pointless small talk. She lets me gaze out the window the whole time and doesn't bother me. Even though the thoughts inside my head aren't something I want.. But there is really no way to get rid of them.

I try my best to just focus on the idea of preforming. Not of anything that happened or may happen when I get there. I just think about getting on stage. Because that's the whole reason I'm up right now. That's the whole reason I've been able to push through everything in my life.

Not Austin.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

*Alan's p.o.v. *

"What the fuck is going on?!" I groan out to no one in particular while throwing my phone onto the couch.

I finally get Hazel to respond after basically all night of fucking worrying and trying to find Austin. No one knew, well, no one knows what the hell is going on. Austin shows up here in the middle of the night, piss drunk and making a fucking ruckus while apparently Hazel is not with him. Then Austin just randomly starts bawling out of fucking nowhere while cradling a bottle of whiskey so we stopped trying to get answers out of him and put him to bed.

I barely fucking slept myself, I mean what am I supposed to do when Hazel, my best friend, is fucking M.I.A.?

I nearly pissed myself when she texted me back a couple minutes ago, but have not gained any of my sanity back.

Hazel:

Is Austin okay?

I'll see you soon.

But seriously, what the fuck does that even mean?! What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On.

"I'm going to kill somebody," I huff as I grab my phone again and make my way out of the back room.I was planning on stopping at my bunk to find a shirt to put on, but a loud crash coming from the front of the bus stopped me. "Jesus, what now?" I mumble as I start to head over. Who would have guessed that I would end up being the responsible one?

I get to the front of the bus, careful not to wake up the rest of the guys who were still sleeping, but nearly yelling at the top of my lungs when I see Austin leaning against the fridge and downing a bottle of booze. "Dude, what the fuck are you doing?" I stomp my way over there, trying to reach for the bottle but getting stopped by the hand he shoved out before he stumbled out of the way.

"What... Whats'it look like, eh?" He slurs, taking another long drink.

"It's not even noon yet and you're already drunk?" I raise my voice a bit. I don't think he ever sobered up, actually. He's been drunk since last night.

"It's five o'clock somewhere," he mumbles, almost cutting himself off when another thought hits him. "Hey, was there a girl here last night?" His words are barely understandable because he's so drunk.

"You mean Hazel?" I ask, accusation in my voice as I look at him, agitated. His response, or should I say no response, has me taking a step back, sensing that he wasn't talking about Hazel. Was he with another girl?

I watch as his body go rigid at her name, his face dropping in a heartbeat. "Austin, where's Hazel?" I ask, still agitated, but now even more worried again. "What happened?"

He doesn't respond, just brings the bottle back up to his lips again. This makes me snap and I dive forward, snatching the bottle straight out of his hands, some spilling out of it. "Tell me what the fuck is going on!" I now yell.

"Shut the fuck up, Alan!" Austin yells back, his hand on his forehead.

"No! You start fucking explaining yourself right now or I swear to God-"

"What? What will you do, Alan?" Austin yells back, slurring still. "You can't hurt me! You can't do anything to me! Everything's already fucked up! My baby's already dead! YOU CAN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING!"

"DON'T FUCKING THINK THAT-" I start, but cut myself off, barely catching what he said.

My eyes widen as an out of breath Austin stumbles back towards the wall to lean on it for support.

I stumbled a bit myself. "You...W-What?" I ask, dumfounded. I couldn't have heard him right. It didn't make sense. I don't get it.

Austin doesn't answer me, giving me time and silence to put the pieces together while a few of the guys come out of their bunks.

Austin had to be wrong when he said the baby is dead. He had to be.

But what if he's not?

What if that's why he's here, drunk as all hell? But why is he here? And not with Hazel? "Austin.." I start, sounding like a parent that is scolding their child, but sadder. "Did you leave Hazel to get drunk and get with another girl?" I ask it with my eyes closed, afraid to see his reaction.

But the silence is enough for me to snap for the second time. "You fucking idiot!" I yell, slamming the bottle of booze in my hands down on the counter and running up to him. "What the fuck is your problem?!" I'm up in his face, grabbing at the collar of his shirt. And he lets me, eyes looking down on the ground. "How could you do that to her?! You idiot!" I shove him away, backing up so I could pace and grab at my hair.

I shake my head as I sort through what the hell is happening, but then end up stopping to face Austin again. "How could you be so stupid?!" I exclaim, using my hands to get my distress across to him.

"Alan-" he starts, but I don't let him finish.

"No, Austin," I hold my hand out. "I'm sorry, I really am. A you're my best friend, but you are lucky I haven't punched you yet. So don't push it. Not right now. I don't even want to look at you."

"Alan-" he tries again, tripping over his own feet.

"No!" I snap harshly. "Don't you see what you've done?! Or are you too drunk off your ass to notice?" I question and he stays quiet. "You're an idiot! You left Hazel to.. to..." I couldn't even say it, disgusted. "You deserve to get more than hit for what you've done, so just sit down and shut up so I can figure out what the fuck is going on!"

And with that Austin shuts up, his body slumping back, sliding down the wall. I can now see the pain clearly on his face and evident in all of his features, making me feel kinda bad. Honestly, I have no clue what to do. Everything is just fucked up right now and having Austin drunk as shit across from me isn't helping.

But at the same time I get it. He lost the one thing he loved the same, if not more, as Hazel. And Hazel's not here either.

His baby is gone. Holy fuck.

I was supposed to be an Uncle... He was supposed to be a dad.. Hazel was supposed to be a mom.. Everything was supposed to be good.

This isn't supposed to be happening.

Notes

Okay. I lied. THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER! I decided to split it up so there will be ONE MORE after this!!

I hope this chapter pleases you! What do you think will happened? Hazel's not checking out, but she's still a mess. And Austin.. Well he's an even bigger mess.

Thank you guys SO much for all the comments! I love them! They make my day! (Sorry for putting you guys through this haha!)