One Moment

Beginnings are hard, shaky even, but endings... endings are worse.

It's hard to come to terms with endings, to accept them like one would beginnings. It's difficult to say goodbye once we've become attached to something. No, it's more than difficult... It's excruciating.

Everything was made to end, but endings weren't made to be easy.

And standing in the damp weather, looking at the stage that I preformed my first set on which was now sitting in my home town, I realized just how ironic it was... I realized how not only was Warped ending, but how everything is ending.. All at once; all at the same place where it began.

Syd had already left to get into the crowd to watch the show, this being her first concert ever, but I wished she hadn't left my side yet. I was struggling to remember how to move my body, especially my legs, that were tingling with numbness.

I'm sure I look like a zombie as I stumble towards the stage, but even more so, I feel like one. The pure energy and life radiating off of the crowd as I get closer is the only thing reminding me that I am in fact alive; that the blood is still being pumped under my flesh and air is still being circulated through my body.

Honestly, I have moments where I can't seem to feel that. Everything inside me is shriveling up and dying.

But the crowd is growing; roaring for my band to come out and play. Little do they no I'm here... Little does anyone know I'm here.

Then my feet stop, standing side stage behind my band who's backs are turned to me. I already have no recollection of how I got over here or how long it took me, being too lost in my thoughts, but luckily I got here right in time. My band was in a circle with their hands in the middle, about to start their chant.

I was waiting for them to do it and start getting pumped, but when nothing happened I casted my eyes forward, catching glimpse of Sammy who was staring wide eyed at me. His mouth had fallen agape as if he was going to say something, but nothing came out. If I were him I wouldn't know what to say either.

But his reaction did get Izzy and Kush now to turn around, eyes widening also when my presence was now know to everyone. Moments went by just like this, their eyes on me, and shocked that I actually showed up. No one knew if I would.

I could barely look at them anymore, the sad look on their faces only reminded me of what happened and causing that uncomfortable ball to form in my throat.
It wasn't hard to tell that they knew by the way they looked, but even more so when Izzy broke away from the huddle to come up to me and without even a sound, reached her hand out. I looked down at it slowly, spotting the microphone she was handing over to me. She understood.

Shakily, my hand reached up and let the mic slide into my palm. It felt heavier this time, like it's been ages since I've performed. And it feels like it has been; at least for live sets.

I know I should be at home resting. I can feel my body working too hard and begging to collapse, but I can't. I can't sit at home anymore. I need this.

I look back up to Izzy, catching the glimmering sadness and pity in her eyes while she sent me a sad smile and put her hand on my back, leading me towards the huddle. I did not return it, the muscles in my face were not working. I'm lucky I got myself up those steps.

The rest of my band luckily didn't say anything as I came over, but gratefully accepted me into their huddle. Our arms wrapped around each others shoulders and our heads bowed low, but instead of chanting happy, encouraging things like we used to, this time Sammy spoke differently. "This is our last performance at Warped," his voice was low, sad almost. It truly was biter sweet. This time of our lives was ending and it was such a life changing time that it's hard to watch it go. "Let's come together and make it our best one yet. For little Jelly Bean."

His words had my eyes squeezing tightly closed, my gut clenching and unclenching with pain. I wanted to cry, break down, scream... "For little Jelly Bean," Izzy and Kush repeated solemnly, but had respect in their voices. It was surprising that Kush did, but I appreciated it.

I still hadn't opened my eyes, trying to keep myself together. Now is not the time to collapse.

Finally, I opened my eyes when we all stood back up straight, putting our hands out to stack on top of each other. "Let's kick ass, on the count of three!" Kush called out, trying to get us pumped now. "One... Two... Three.."

"Let's kick ass!" They cheered. I tried too, but I'm not sure if anything came out.

First, Sammy and Kush ran out on the stage, the crowd cheering as they did. Once they got to their positions, Izzy turned, gave me a quick hug, and then ran out. The crowd cheered louder, thinking that she was going to be leading today again, but when they saw she had her guitar with her and went to stand to the side, they chattered lowly. Confused, they wondered why there was still the main mic stand empty.

It was now my turn to go out, but before I did, I clenched and unclenched my fists around the mic, palms sweaty. I took multiple deep breaths, but none made me feel better. I was nervous and scared and sad and really wanted to melt into the ground. But I can't.

The intense drumroll and expecting beat Kush plays on his guitar signal to the crowd that I'm about to come out and let me know it's my cue.

I gulp, wringing my shaky hands out at my side, readying myself to go out. But then, suddenly, I can't get my feet to move.

I can't get the wheels to turn in my head for the message to get sent from my brain to my feet. Fear and pain are locking the wheels up, stopping them in their tracks.

I start to freak out, an anxiety attack trying to creep up on me. I'm not exactly sure what is happening, but I feel like I have lost control of my body. I've kept too much in for too long that when it collided with the random fear of going back out on stage, I panicked.

I don't know why I'm afraid to go on stage, I never have been, but it's been a while and the fans don't even know why. I abandoned them and something in me has changed, I can feel it. Something's different.... Something's wrong inside of me.

Tears well up inside of my eyes when I start to think of Austin and my baby. Images flash like a brutal slideshow inside my brain of the past day and my body starts to rack with shakes. My brain feels like it's shutting down and I know there is no way I'll be able to move my feet now. My trembling body wont allow it.

Who am I kidding, everything is wrong inside of me. Everything is wrong in general and I don't know if I can take it anymore.

When I miss my cue to go run out onto stage, I can feel the gaze of all my band members on me and the awkward silence joining them. Trying to stall the crowd and get me to come out, they start the entrance beat again, this time slower.

But I can barely hear it. My eyes sting from tears and my ears are ringing with a sound that I swear could be crying. Not just any crying, but a babies cry.

No. No no no no no.

A few tears fall from my eyes as my lips part open to push out a breath that was stuck in my chest. What is happening?

I can't do this. I can't. I can't. I can't.

The crowd cheers again, this time loud enough to break past the fog that seemed to be clouding my ears. Their cries of joy and excitement remind me that I can. That I have to. I can't abandon them again. Not like Austin abandoned me. I won't do that.

I mumble random profanities under my breath, trying to push my anxiety attack down. I have to be strong now, for the fans, for my band, and for myself. I can't rely on anyone to rush to my side and help me control my breathing. I can't rely on anyone to tell me it's okay anymore. I can't rely on Austin.

I have to do this myself. I have to get past not only this attack and fear, but all these problems, myself. Because I have no one left to come help me. And even if I did, I don't want them. I need my own strength because I can't rely on others to help me survive when that's my job.

I can't rely on Austin.

He's not here.

I've survived with out him before and I can do it now.

I can do it now.

One... Two... Three...

I count again in my head, breathing in to summon every ounce of strength and courage-basically everything I have left inside of me- to push my feet forward onto the stage.

The intense beat picks up when my band notices I'm coming out, letting the crowd know it's happening. And soon, their roars were making my ears ring, volts of electricity shocking my brain.

I stood at the top of the stage, eyes scanning over the crowd of my own beautiful fans that are here supporting and screaming my name. Even after everything.

Bodies bounced from the ground and into the air, feet were stomping, hands were clapping, mouths were screaming.... I could even see Syd standing in the crowd, giving me a warm, encouraging smile. It was like being on drugs.

I made eye contact with her, noticing her nod that told me to go ahead, and that's all it took for my brain to shut down and be transferred into the world of music. The only thing that will really, always be here for me.

Without a word, we broke out into our first song, the music pumping through my sore body.

White walls
Filled with nothing
But nervous paces
All around I see.
Something's off
Inside of myself.
I see it in their faces.

Say anything, say anything,
Say anything that can make this all okay.
Take it away, take it away,
Take away all of this emptiness I feel
'Cause I will never find another you.

Another you, another you.

I still hear you in this house (whispering).
I still feel you in my bones (in these veins).
And like the portraits in the halls (can't help but think),
I wish you were staring back at me (but you're gone).

Say anything, say anything,
Say anything that can make this all okay.
Take it away, take it away.
Take away all of this emptiness I feel
'Cause I will never find another (I may never find myself)
I will never find another you

So I'll carry you with me in my dreams, my memory.
So I'll carry you with me (you'll always be with me) in my dreams, my memory.
So I'll carry you with me, you'll always be my memory.

Say anything, say anything,
Say anything that can make this all okay.
Take it away, take it away.
Take away all of this emptiness I feel
'Cause I will never find another (I may never find myself)
And I will never find another you

The freight train in my head felt like it slowed down, or at least stopped ramming so hard at the inside of my skull. My heart felt like someone was trying so desperately to get string and a needle to stitch it up.

But then when we got to our most popular song, the one I wrote when I was at not only the bottom of a bottle, but it seemed like the bottom of hell, it seemed like the hands trying to sew me back together were too shaky so they just ended up jabbing me in the heart over and over again.

I started the song of fine, my eyes closed tight as I forced the most saddening words I've ever strung together out of my mouth. Each phrase and each syllable reminded me of the past day. Of my baby, of Austin, of the pain, and even of what happened down the road with Ian and Mark. Everything was bad inside of my head and I was doing my best to hang on, but then when I hit the chorus, it all became too much.

Fans were singing along, but when they noticed my voice grew weaker and weaker, cracking a bit, they knew something was wrong. My heart was no longer even close to being sewn up, the freight train sped up again, and my chest clenched in the most immense pain I've ever felt.

And then I couldn't get anymore words out, the hysterical beginning noise of my sobs coming out instead as my knees wobbled. I felt like someone took a gun and shot me, boom right in the chest. Boom, right in the gut. Boom. Boom. Boom!

Tears poured out of my eyes like blood would have those wounds and finally, everything came out. I thought earlier that I couldn't cry, but now I was worried that I'd never be able to stop.

I couldn't hold myself up anylonger and my feeble body collapsed down, the mic slipping from my hand and making a sharp thump as it came in contact with the sage.

More hysterical cries slipped out of my mouth as an endless stream of tears flew out of my eyes.
First I fell to my knees, but then I could no longer hold my sore torso up so I let that hunch over, my forehead nearly resting on the stage, but being stopped by my arms that were in the way because I had those wrapped tightly around my body, trying to ease the pain I could feel sucking everything inside me into it's black hole.

The crowd was dead silent, causing my cries to echo out around them even without the microphone. And I cried and cried and cried.
Everything came rushing back, pounding at the walls of my head and it all hurt so bad.

I was breaking.

I was growing dizzy, but I could still make out my band nearly dropping their instruments and running over to me. They now huddled around me, trying to calm me down since I was beyond hysterics and if I don't calm down I know I'm bound to either pass out or throw up, but I can't stop.

My head isn't screwed on right and so much is wrong with me. My anxiety attack even came back, adding to the tightness of my chest.

Hands rubbed on my back, voices were whispering to soothe me- even my sister who rushed out from the crowd- but I could barely hear them. That same ringing that sounded like a babies cry was back in my ear and I only grew dizzier and dizzier, gripping on tightly to Kush's shirt as he crouched in front of me, blocking me from the crowd and their cameras.

"I'm sorry... I-I'm sorry.." I cry out hysterically to no one in particular, thinking of my baby.
I tired to speak more, but I couldn't get any noise out past my cries that even went so far to silence me when I couldn't catch my breath, but if I were able to the only thing that would be able to come out now would be 'why?'

Why?

I wasn't sure what was happening now, but I could feel myself being lifted off of the ground. My stomach clenched at the sudden elevation change, but I didn't care enough to let it effect me. I let the person take me up from the cold stage, not even putting up a fight as they did.

My eyes were so glossy and blurred from the tears that it was hard to see anything besides Izzy's figure on the stage telling the crowd everything was okay and Kush's arms tight around me, carrying me off the stage.

I guess this was our silent way of making up.

I was still crying into Kush's chest, but I could see black dots one by one clouding up my vision. I knew what this meant and I only wanted it to happen sooner. So I held my breath, cutting of more oxygen supply to my brain and making more black dots appear. Kush noticed my sudden stop of noise and looked down at me. "Hazel! Breathe!" But he was too late, blackness was completely over my vision and thankfully, I passed out.

*

For a moment, a tiny split second, I forget. I wake up, no recollection of any of the day or even the night before, still raw from my sleep.

But then it hits me, harsh and cold and evil when I remember. And I wish I never had to wake up to feel that, or if I could just stay in that foggy haze where I can't remember anything but am still peaceful.

There's really no point in being awake, I think.

I don't know what time of day it is or where I am but my head is still buried into Kush's chest and my ears are on high alert, listening to my bands conversation.

"She'll come back with me," said Sammy.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Syd's voice spoke softly.

"She's right, Haze needs to go home. She needs her family to get better," Izzy interjected.

My head was pounding like all hell and my throat was so try I nearly choked when I tried to swallow.

"What about the band?" Kush asked, his voice lighter than everyone else because he was still holding me. Well, in the sense that my head was on his lap, buried into his chest, back facing everyone else.

"We can write, I know Hazel will want to. It will only be a little bit, then once she's ready we can start working and touring again," Izzy explained.

I didn't move a muscle to let them know that I'm awake, instead I just laid here, staring into the darkness that covered my eyes which were hidden by Kush's t-shirt. I don't think I could even move or speak if I wanted to right now, my body being so physically tired and mentally drained it wouldn't work.

"So this is it then?" Sammy asked solemnly. "We take a break for a while?"

"I think it's best for all of us," Izzy agreed. "The band has been through a lot lately."

"Only for a little while," Kush reassured, his chest moving when he spoke.

"Okay," Sammy whispered, letting a moment of silence linger after. "I guess we should start getting packed up then.."

They all must have agreed in silence because no one else said anything more, but I could hear people shuffling around, heading to the other end of the bus. But Kush never moved, not until the room seemed to be cleared out.

And then he huffed, his breath rolling down onto the skin of my shoulder. "I was such a dick," he mumbled, directing it to me even though he thought I was sleeping. He didn't say anything after that for a while, his mind running around in circles as I laid on him.

After what seemed like ages of this silence, he brushed his fingers through my hair as a sign of care and started shifting his weight so he could slide out from underneath me without waking me. Of course I was already awake, but I kept my eyes shut tight as he gently laid my head down on the couch where he had once been sitting.

"I'm sorry, Hazel," he said down to me in a sad whisper before turning and following everyone else to the back of the bus.

Laying here, I opened my eyes only to stare lifelessly into the leather of the couch as I gulped down the sadness Kush's words left in me. But also, I put together the pieces of what was happening.

We were leaving, going our own ways. I was going home with Syd and they were going back to LA.

As good of an idea as that may be for us all to get better, there is one thing weighing in my mind and at the bottom of my stomach like a bag of bricks. I'm going to be here, in Seattle, instead of in LA where not only my band will be, but also Austin.

I can't leave that untied. I can't just up and leave without seeing him again, as much as I want to. I know he's here, so what's keeping me from him? Fear? Anger? I love him. I can't just let him go like our baby. I won't be able to live with myself if I do.

I don't know if we can fix things that were broken in these last 24 hours, but I need to know if there is a chance to. And if not, I'll close the book. I'll end our story and walk away from him like he did me in the hospital: without a glance back.

Without thinking another thought, I rolled my dead weight over on the couch and used my shaking arms to push myself up. Everyone was in the back room so no one was here to stop me as I stood, stopping at one of the drawers under the counter to pull out an envelope before walking right out of the bus without another thought.

The sun was going down so I didn't have to worry about it being too bright on my sensitive eyes that hurt each time I blinked. They were dry from all the crying, just like my throat was hoarse and my body was trembling. I felt even weaker than I did before, especially when I thought about what might happen when I get to the Of Mice and Men bus.

But before I head there, I stop by Syd's car. I open the back seat door and reach in, grabbing Austin's bag. I look at it for a while, my chest aching, but then shake my head and throw it over my shoulder.

I want so badly to collapse into Austin's arms right now and have him hold me, but I also want to take my hand and send it straight across his face as many times as it takes to show him what the pain was like to have him leave to go fuck some whore while I was getting our baby taken out of me.

A whimper came out of my mouth at the thought, my body flinching at how awful it was and how awful he was, but still knowing deep down inside that I could never hurt him. Seeing him in pain will only hurt me even worse even though I know right now, he deserves it.

But maybe we can move past this. I'm too exhausted to fight him and my body aches to be in his arms. My body knows what it needs and it needs him.

I can see his bus straight across from where I am walking and vicious nerves bubble harshly in my stomach. I wobble over their, my chest tightening as I grow more and more terrified and angry with each step closer I take.

And soon I am standing in front of the door, hand ready to reach up and open it, but mind the farthest thing from it. I shut my eyes and take a big breath in, only to have a shakier one come out.

There's no way to make myself feel better right now so I know I just have to do it. I just have to fucking do it and get it over with.

Just fucking do it, I think as I reach up to the handle of the door and don't let myself think twice before swinging it open.

But as soon as I do this I can immediately hear yelling and shouting coming from inside.

"Austin!" Alan's voice yelled right before a loud shatter rang out. I jumped, now even more scared and confused, but also worried.

"No!" Austin yelled back, voice slurring as I hear some more stumbling around.

"This is your fucking fault!" Alan yells, his voice louder and more angrier than I have ever heard before. I should go inside. I should go make everything's okay, not sit here and eavesdrop.

"No! You wana know who's fucking fault it is?" Austin's voice is so harsh it scares me. He's never like this. He's out of control. "HER'S!" His voice is venomous and directed so harshly that the few pieces of my heart sink even further into my chest. "SHE'S THE ONE WHO LOST OUR BABY! NOT ME! THIS IS NOT MY FAULT! I DID NOTHING. IF I COULD HAVE I WOULD HAVE TAKEN THE FUCKING BABY AND PUT IT IN MYSELF TO RAISE BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T FUCKING DO IT. SHE WAS KILLING IT. SHE DID KILL IT! NOT ME! NOT FUCKING ME!" He finishes with another loud shatter and for a moment, I think it's those little pieces of my heart breaking even further. "I tried," he starts up again, huffing. "I fucking tried and you all saw it. I tried to keep our baby alive! YOU KNOW IT! But I had no control! Maybe she was too big of a fucking mess for me?! HUH? Maybe a murderer shouldn't have a baby in the first place!"

It was like I was shot again, but this time with a grenade launcher. And even though I was already blown to pieces, Austin still kept shooting me.

I didn't know what I was doing until I was already stomping up the stairs of their bus. When I get to the top of the steps, I stand with my hands clenched in fists, chest huffing as I feel my world crashing down around me. My lip quivers and tears slowly start to drip out of my eyes again as I make eye contact with Alan who is across from Austin who's back is to me.

There are broken beer bottles shattered around the bus and empty and half full bottles of whiskey laying around the table.

Alan's eyes widen in horror as he stares at me, getting Austin to stumble around so he's facing me. And when I see his face, his eyes, his everything that I once fell in love with, I snap.

I take the bag that is on my shoulders and throw it at him, as if it could hurt as much as he hurt me. But when it barely makes him stumble back, I come up and put my palms on his chest, shoving him back with as much force as I can as tears fall out of my eyes.

He left me. He cheated on me. He blames me. He thinks I'm a murderer. He hates me.

This time he nearly trips over his own feat as he stumbles backwards while I stand there huffing and crying. The whole time he doesn't take his eyes off me and I don't take mine off of his.

When he steadies himself, no one says anything. Silence is in the air, screaming into our ears and echoing loudly in our heads like Austin's words are to me.
We stare at each other, my eyes broken and full of angry tears as his no longer are warm and happy. We're both broken.

But then I say the one thing that cracks both of the final cuts in our hearts and in our stories.

"I hate you," I force out through clenched teeth. Teeth from the same mouth that had so many times said 'i love you'. Teeth that had so many times came in contact with his when we were kissing..
It felt wrong. It felt so wrong and every fiber of my being was aching from the words, trying to go against what had came out. Trying to take it back.. But I left it out there, reaching to move and grab him by the throat.

The steady stream of tears flowing out of my eyes never let up and when Austin said nothing back, I knew there was nothing left to say. He hated me for what I've done. I hated him for what he's done. But at the same time my heart was completely broken because I loved him more than anything.

I shook my head to stop the thoughts and if to make this all go away. But it didn't.

There is no fixing this, we've hurt each other to much.

After wiping under my nose with the back of my hand, I flick my wrist holding the envelope I had grabbed from the bus to throw it at Austin, watching it fall to his feet when he didn't react to it. Inside was the sonogram of our Jelly Bean with the lyrics of the song I wrote for him on the back. It was going to be his birthday present.

So much for that.

"I'm done," I hiss sadly, still not being able to look away from Austin's eyes. "...Goodbye, Austin," I whisper quietly, almost begging Austin with my eyes to stop me. But he did nothing. And that was all I needed to finalize my decision and turn on my heel, heading off the bus in a rush, not turning back as I left Austin and Warped Tour behind...


Maybe this is what was supposed to happen... Maybe this is how things were supposed to be. Maybe this is how I was and am supposed to get better. Maybe Austin and I were made to end. Maybe all we were was a summertime memory. Maybe we weren't supposed to go on past Warped.

Maybe this is where Austin and my story ends.

Because that's all this was... a story.

A story where it only took me one moment to fall in love with him and only this one moment to walk away from him, closing the book.

One Moment.

Notes

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh okay I feel like this is kind of a crappy ending but I'm kinda happy with it in the way that this means the sequel!! I have so many ideas for that I might explode and I'm happy I can finally start writing them.

And I know I'm evil for breaking them up, but keeping them together wouldn't lead to an interesting sequel, now would it? ;)

Please please let me know what you guys think! I rewrote this last chapter like 6 times but I'm just like 'fuck it i'm doing it.' with this one!

And on a serious note, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! When I first started this story I thought it was going to be something stupid and small and never expected to have so much support! You guys are seriously the best and every vote, comment, and subscription made my day every single time. <3 I love you all!

I hope you guys enjoyed this and I hope even more that you will enjoy my sequel! I will post a new chapter to this with the link when I post it(which will be very soon!)

ALSO! I really really need help deciding on a title name for the sequel! I would really like your guys opinions! I wanted to keep it somewhat related to 'One Moment' but I can't think of anything good that would. So maybe song lyrics? Idk, help me out<3

I LOVE YOU ALLL!<3