*Hazel's p.o.v.* (warning, may be graphic descriptions?)

The days are a death wish
A witch hunt for an exit
I am powerless...

She wouldn't even fucking say it. She wouldn't even tell me my baby's dead. She wouldn't set it in stone like I needed her to. "Say it," I demand through clenched teeth, tears already streaming down my face. The doctor just looked at me with a puzzled look. "Say it," I repeat harshly.

She opened her mouth a few times, unsure. "I'm sorry, Miss... I-"

"Say it!" I cry out, tears rolling faster down my face. I needed to hear her confirm. I needed her to give me that reason to break down. I needed her to let the hell unleash inside my head because I know I deserve it. The guilt pumping in my veins with the bone-aching sadness only second that.

She took in a deep breath, releasing it before she finally looked at me with understanding. "Your baby is dead, Miss. I am so sorry for your loss."

The fragile, the broken
Sit in circles and stay unspoken
We are powerless...

I squeezed my eyes shut, her words hitting me like a bag of bricks straight to the chest like I needed them to. It all felt so... real. Like I could actually feel the sadness like a black hole in my chest, sucking my heart into it's dark pits.

I wish I could open my eyes and I'd wake up back in my bed at home, still wrapped up in Austin like this never happened. I wish this was all just a fucking dream. But it's not. It's my own living nightmare.

I shook my head side to side, cries slipping out of my lips that were once pressed into a thin line. I didn't know what to do... what to feel. Everything was too much and my body was begging to shut down. It doesn't feel right now that I know my baby is dead. My little Jelly Bean is dead...

I felt Austin's hand slip from mine, leaving my hand free to bring up and wrap around my chest that felt like it was caving in. And it only got worse when Austin stood up from his seat and walked straight out the door, into the hallway without a glance back.

Because we all walk alone on an empty staircase
Silent halls and nameless faces
I am powerless...

I could see him out of the window of the room, his hands coming up to run through his hair in distress and pull harshly at the strands. And then, out of no where, he backs up against the wall and nearly collapses as he slides down it.

I know the hole that is being created in my heart can only partially be mended by him. But he's not holding me like I needed him to. Instead, my own arms are wrapped around my body, but that's no good. It's impossible to mend yourself with already broken arms.

My mind was poisoned with guilt. I killed my baby. This is my fault.

Everybody wants to go to Heaven
But nobody wants to die

"Miss," the doctor came back up to me, a sympathetic look plastered on her face as her hand came up to lightly touch my arm. "Would you like a moment longer to yourself or would you like to get straight to what we have to do next?"

I swallow hard and shift so I'm sitting up a bit more, wiping at my eyes. "What do you have to do?" I ask in a hoarse voice, croaking out the few words.

"Well, it seems that you've had a spontaneous miscarriage," she starts, her hand still on my arm. "It is very common in newly pregnant women, but also means that the uterus is not completely empty," she speaks slow so I can keep up. I nod to let her know that I am. "In order to empty it we need to preform what we call a D&C procedure. Basically we will dilate you and make sure everything is clear. You might be a little sore, but it's nothing too bad."

I wanted to scoff at her lost words. It's nothing too bad. Boy, was she wrong.

But I don't scoff; I can't. I feel numbness slowly tingling over my body and the thought of her taking my dead baby out of me completely shatters me into pieces. I'm shutting down. Mentally and physically.

The nod I give the doctor is the last gesture I make.

I can't fear death no longer
I've died a thousand times

"Okay," she nods back, looking over her shoulder. "Would you like me to go get your partner to be here with you?" She asks, looking at Austin who was now stood up.

Why explore the universe
When we don't know ourselves?

I followed her gaze and saw how out of it he looked. His face was pale and his eyes were bloodshot. They weren't brown and sparkly and full of joy like they always were. Instead, they looked of hurt and pain and confusion. It hurt to see.

But what hurt even more was watching him stand up straight and then start rushing right out of the hallway. I was able to even catch him turn the corner, heading straight for the doors to get out, leaving me here.

There's an emptiness inside our heads
That no one dares to dwell...

My heart collapsed inside of my chest, the last crack finally breaking all the way through and snapping it into pieces that were just poking at my rip cage.

He left me here alone to get my baby taken out of me. He fucking left me here. He left us here.

I needed him!

The doctor looked back at me with another sympathetic look on her face. "Just do it," I say roughly, no emotion showing through my voice. I don't have the energy to show any; despite the constant flow of tears that has been non-stop running out of my puffy eyes.

She was silent as she nodded, getting everything ready with the nurses. Barely a word was said from them besides solemnly explaining what they had to do while they did it. They let me cry and didn't try to comfort me, knowing it wasn't their comfort that I needed right now. They let me mourn and ache while they did what the had to do.

The doctor was right when she said it be sore, but the pain I was feeling was dull compared to what was pounding inside of me. And the worst part is, I was alone through all of this.

Throw me to the flames
Watch me burn!
Set my world ablaze
Watch me burn!

Then finally, it was over. And I felt more emptier than I ever have in my whole entire life. I felt like something was missing and I know that feeling will never go away.

The doctor gave me medicine for pain and to prevent infection, said to take it for the next little bit and stay in bed because I will be sore and in a small amount of pain. She was wrong when she said small.

Technically, I was supposed to stay in this hospital for the rest of the night to recover, but she said it was okay to go home, knowing I needed it.

And while she left me alone in the room to get dressed again and gave me a phone to use to call someone, I felt like complete and absolute shit. It took every single fucking ounce of any type of energy I had to get my pants on. Such a simple task felt like it was draining me off life.

And even typing numbers into the phone was terrible.

"Hello?" Syd answered, sounding tired and stressed.

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn

"It's me," I force out, barely being able to hold the phone up to my ear as Syd starts to freak out. I cut her off because it gives me a headache and I don't want to answer all her questions. "I need you to come take me home," my voice is barely above a whisper, each word hurting.

Thankfully she doesn't question about where Austin is and tells me she'll be here in two seconds. I know she doesn't mean literally, but I hang up with out another thought, now focusing on getting out to the doors.

My hand rests against the walls as I walk out, pushing through the soreness. I feel like a zombie, stumbling through the hospital, passing eyes that watched me with judgement and worry.

But I finally push my way outside, the fresh air feeling good in my lungs that hurt from breathing. Especially when I notice the car Austin drove me here in is gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Everything and everyone is just gone.

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn

Except Syd who comes up, tires squealing as she pulls up in front of me, racing out of the car. I barely process what's happening before she is sprinting up to me, bringing me into the biggest hug I've ever had. And as much as I didn't want to, it was impossible to not break down into her arms.

So I did.

And I cried so violently she was basically holding me up and keeping me together. It was an ugly crying and desperate wheezing because my lungs were trying to keep up with the breaths I was taking.

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn
In this hospital for souls

The next thing I know Syd is dragging me into the car, pushing me into the seat as she cries herself. I let her do it, not having very good control of my weak body. But when she gets into the drivers seat and starts up the car, I finally speak up. "We can't go home," I croak out.

She looks at me with confusion and pain on her face. "What?"

"We have to go find Austin," as mad and hurt with him as I am, I have to know he's okay and safe. I can't lose him too.

"Hazel he could be anywhere.. He-"

"We have to go find him!" I cry out.

She immediately shuts her mouth and nods, knowing not to argue with me right now. "Okay," she says slowly. "Okay, Hazel, we'll find him. Where would he be?"

It was hard to think with everything that is going on in my head, but I pushed through all the crap, trying to figure out where Austin might go. He wouldn't go back to my house and he doesn't know anywhere around here to go. Unless he just went and started to head back to the buses...

But, hoping he didn't do that, I could only think of one place he'd go to that would be easy to find. "The bar."

*
Whipping the car door shut behind me, I focused on putting one foot in front of the other to get to the entrance of the local bar. Everything hurt and I know I needed to go shut down in bed right now, but I needed to find Austin.

He could be hurt.. I just need to know that he's okay. I just need him.

The bar wasn't too busy, but it was surprisingly full. Well, I guess it's not that surprising when it's late on weekend night.

The music that was pumping inside was instantly making my head pound harshly. I became dizzy from the over exertion of energy when I'm this weak and the pain I'm feeling. But I still pushed through the crowd of people standing around, moving my eyes to try and see the tall lanky figure I needed to.

I had to focus on keeping my breathing steady as I made my way through the smelly and warm people, getting bumped by some asshole every other second. But then finally I made it through, the bar insight.

My eyes followed down the line of stools, not recognizing anyone until I got to the very end of it. I almost collapsed right there when I saw Austin, hunched over the bar, drink in hand.

I didn't think twice about it before I started to make my way over there, needing so bad to have him now.

But before I got there, he stood up. He turned around, seeming like he had a destination in mind, but freezing when his eyes came into contact with me. I could tell by how he looked that he was way overly intoxicated. He'd just been here the whole time drinking.

"Aust-" I start to croak out, but am cut off by a high pitched laughter.

A fake, barbie-looking blonde pushes her way over to him, attaching herself to his hip. But then she does one thing that made the broken pieces of my heart push right through my rib cage and fall to the ground, shattering with my world around me.

"Sorry it took me so long," she winks, leaning up to grab his face, attaching her lips roughly to his. This obviously hasn't just started now. It had been going on.

Throw me to the flames
Watch me burn!

Austin left me at the hospital to come here to drink and fuck other whores.

Set my world ablaze
Watch me burn!

So without a second thought, I spun on my heel and rushed out of the bar, not looking back.

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn
In this hospital for souls

Notes

Note: this is NOT the last chapter! So don't worry. There will be one more after this!

And again, I don't know much about miscarriages so I apologize if I got some info wrong!

I love reading your guys' comments and I'm so sorry for putting you all through this! Don't hate me, I love you!! <3 Keep letting me know what you think! And what do you feel about Austin doing what he did?

The lyrics that are spread out throughout this chapter are from Hospital For Souls by Bring Me The Horizon.