One Moment

"How's everyone doing tonight?!!" Izzy yelled into the microphone and they cheered. Her chuckle echoed out of the speakers for a moment. "Well, as you all can probably see, we are missing a special someone out here with us.."

I sighed as I sat down in the chair the backstage manager had brought me. I was watching side stage, completely wishing I could be out there.

"Sadly, Hazel is going through some medical trouble right now and Doctor's orders were to not perform heavy," Izzy told them all, the crowd letting out some 'Aww's' and then some boo's and even some curious talking.

Austin and I hadn't really talked about who we're gona tell or how or when.. We really haven't talked about much.. I guess once he's free there will be a much needed discussion on what the hell we're gona do with our future.

But for now I decided not to tell the fans yet. I definitely want to talk to Austin first and I think we should wait until things are settled down and we can make a proper announcement to them. As for the rest of our friends here, I plan on telling them, but I don't know the right time or what Austin wants to do. Maybe another barbecue or something to tell them all at once? But we'd have to wait until we get a little bit more free time to do that.

"But.. We after our improvised performance tonight, Hazel has agreed to do a free acoustic show for you all!" This time the crowd cheered, making me feel a little better.

They started up the set, jamming out and completely killing it. It made me smile to see how well Izzy was doing, even Kush stepped up and I loved seeing just them. Even though I was sad that I couldn't be out there and they were going without me, I wasn't feeling as shitty about it as I had been. The fans still had a blast.

After giving sweaty Kush, Izzy, and Sammy hugs and compliments, we all walked back to the bus. They all went inside to get drinks and shower, but I excused myself to go outside and make a phone call.

Sliding down the side of the bus, I sat with my knees against my chest while I pulled out my phone. I opened up to my contacts and slid down to the one name I've been calling and texting over and over again since I found out about my pregnancy. Sydney Hendrix. My baby sister that I love with all my heart.

Dialing the number, I took in a shaky sigh and brought the phone up to my ear, hoping this time she'd answer. But after multiple rings, she didn't pick up like every other time.
I'll just have to try again later.

Not caring that I haven't talked to Austin about who to tell, I scrolled down my contacts for another number that was so familiar but seemed so foreign. My Dad. I should be able to tell him that I'm pregnant, he's my father.
Nervous again, I called him, the ring echoing deep inside my ears, impatiently tapping my foot.
"Hello?"

"..Daddy?" I asked skeptically, the voice not sounding like his.

"No, this is Judy," she sighed. "Who is this?" Her voice was as rude and snarky as I remember, making my brain freeze. I hadn't spoken to my mother for longer than any other family member. The last few conversations we had were anything but civil. Actually, every conversation we've ever had were just screaming matches, really. I can't say that I hate my mother, but I can say that I strongly, strongly dislike her. Especially after all the shit she's put me through, sometimes I debate if she even is my mother. "Is anyone there? I've got shit to do, don't play games with me," her agitated voice was raspy. She picked up smoking again.

"This is Hazel," my voice was emotionless as I spoke. Bone deep anger sprang up.

"Hazel?" She asked, confused. "Why are you calling here?" Rude, again.

"What? Your daughters not allowed to call home?" I scoffed.

"This isn't your home, you made that very clear."

"Whatever. Can you put Dad on the phone?" I asked, not wanting to deal with her shit.

"He's in the garage right now, why do you even need him?" Her voice was sour.

"Does it matter? I just want to talk to my father.."

"It does matter."

I rolled my eyes, sighing. She always did everything in her power to not let me do what I want or need. She liked to control me and know exactly what was going on, even though I thought she lost that privilege when she left us for years. "I have news that I'd like to share with him, is that so terrible?" I said sarcastically.

"What news?"

"I want to tell Dad."

"Tell me know or I swear I will hang up this phone and delete your number.."

"Ug!" I groaned. Why did she have to do this? At least she's being somewhat civil with me.. "I was calling Dad to tell him he was going to be a Grandpa."

"What did you just say..?" Her voice was a scolding tone, making me flinch, bracing myself to get screamed at.

"Do you have a problem, Mom?" I hissed.

"What did you just say?!" She shouted.

"I'm pregnant."

"You're what?!..."

"Pregnant!"

It was silent for a moment and I didn't know what to expect. "Just couldn't keep it in your pants, could you, Hazel? You always had been a little slut.."

"Excuse me?!"

"Look what you've done! Got knocked up! How does it feel to ruin your own life?"

"Since when do you care?! And who said I'm ruining my life?! I'm with a man I love and having a baby with him! Your grandchild!" I was raising my voice, upset enough to have tears welling in my eyes.

"Don't call here again." Her voice was cold. "You're a disgrace.." Was the last thing I heard her mumble before the line went dead.

I was frozen holding the phone up to my ear, squeezing my eyes shut, not wanting tears to spill. I can't give my mom that satisfaction, even if she can't see. But on the inside I was torn to shreds by her words. I was glad that we didn't go into a screaming match, and truthfully, the things she said were not even close to some of the worst things. But all I wanted was someone to be happy for me. To make me feel better and accept me and the baby.

Gritting my teeth together, I decided I'd call my sister one more time before I went back inside. I won't stop trying until I go to my last resort which is visiting her. Even if she is cold and full of negativity towards me. Ever since the day I left for college, leaving her at home to deal with Mom and take care of Dad..

I always called her during college, and she would answer and talk to me for hours, even if she was angry. But when I dropped out and went back to Texas for Mark, she was more hurt that I'd completely ditch college for a boy and not her. She starting answering less and less up 'til the day I went home with my brother after he was tied up and beaten by Mark. She hugged me and told me how much she missed me and we bonded again. But when I told her I was going to move in with Sammy in LA, she went cold again. She got angry and the screaming matches between us still echoed in my brain. And no matter how many times I've tried to get ahold of her since, she won't talk to me. I understand why and I probably wouldn't forgive me either, but I had to live my life.

But I need my baby sister now. My big brother would always answer my calls, but he can't in Afghanistan.

I breathed out a shaky breath as I called, trying not to get my hopes up. "Hey! Stacy?" Syd answered cheerily into the phone, her voice triggering so many memories and sadness into me. She must have thought I was her friend calling, not checking the caller ID.

With shock and nervous butterflies in my stomach, I responded in a slight whisper. "No, Syd it's me.." My voice was weak, aching for her.

The line went dead silent besides the crackle of long distance for a while. "Syd, please, I need you.. I miss you so much and I'm so sor-"

"Sorry, I thought this was someone else," she said into the phone, her voice cracking before she hung up and the line went dead.

I put a hand over my mouth that was dangling open. Hearing her voice reminded me of not only all the fights we had, but all the good times. Like when I taught her how to ride her bike and she accidentally rode into a bush, cutting up her knees. I remember after bandaging her all up, I ran up to the store and got her her favorite candy and promised her I'd play barbies because I felt terrible for getting my little sister hurt.

I remember whenever Dad would get bad and Mom would get drunk I'd let her sleep with me and hold her while she cried and told me in her adorable, scared voice how afraid she was.

..I remember her getting angry when she couldn't tie her hair up into pig tails, so I helped her everyday before school.

Remembering that and the fact my little sister wouldn't be there to accept or help me with my pregnancy, I broke out into tears. I buried my face into my hands and rested my head on my knees, sobbing. My body was shaking and my heart hurt.

I missed my sister so badly. She helped me more than she will ever understand. On those days I'd walk home from school crying because of the countless times I was called a freak or got shoved into lockers or when all the girls in my grade laughed at me, Syd was always there waiting for me on the porch step. Her cheery smile and love was all I needed to feel better when my brother was off or my mom was just being herself or my Dad was bad.

After a little bit I let my head lean back against the bus, rubbing my eyes while I looked up at the sky, clutching my phone. My knuckles turned white as I gripped onto it, flexing and unflexing my hand. Then finally, I threw it hard onto the pavement a little bit away from me. I don't know what the point is of having a phone if I can't even talk to my fucking family.

But right after I did that I just cried more, gripping onto my hair this time. I don't know why I'm crying so hard or why I can't stop or why I'm feeling this way inside, knowing I should be happy, but feeling like a mess.

&&&&&&&&&&&

Tying my messy hair up into an even messier bun to get out of my face, I sat at the kitchen table, papers scattered all over in front of me. Some were old songs that I tried writing, but couldn't get right, some were random little sayings I thought of in my head a jotted down for future song lyrics, some were just ideas, and others were the new sheets of paper I just pulled out and dove into.

Having an itch to write, that's all I did for the past few hours. If I didn't, everything I am feeling and what's going on inside my head is bound to make me explode. Writing is the way to get everything out, scribbling angrily on the papers, or flowing words with love, or just getting lost in what pours out.

Hunched over, I hovered above the papers, pen dancing and words coming out like nothing at all. I wrote about the happiness I found this summer with the new friends and memories. I wrote about Austin.. A lot about Austin. About the love and the confusion and the new things that we've had to deal with, especially now that I've moved on from Mark. But then I wrote about everything that's eating me up inside. My bitch of a mother. My sister that hates me.

I wrote about my little Jelly Bean. It talks about what it was like to find out, and everything that terrifies me right up to this point. It seems I'm more afraid than happy and I don't like that. My head feels messed up. I feel bad, but I have to keep reminding myself of the love that I have for my baby and for Austin.

Speaking of Austin, I barely noticed him walk up the steps of my bus because I was so lost in what I was writing, biting my tongue while I concentrated. "Writing?" Austin's raspy voice rang out smooth in my ears.

"Mhm," I didn't look up, wanting to finish the thought I was in the middle of writing, not wanting to forget it. He sat down across the table from me, studying as I scribbled things down. Once finishing, I just let my body freeze, looking over all the writing I did. Some words were heavy and sad that came from deep inside. "There," I said, barely under a whisper, sitting up straight and setting the pen down away from me.

"Had a lot to get out, huh?" Austin chuckled.

"You have no idea," I mumbled.

"Can I see?" He gestured to the papers and I nodded, watching while biting my lip as he scanned his eyes over a few. I wasn't sure what exactly he was thinking, it being hard to read on his face, but when he went to grab the one I just finished, I quickly snatched it out of his hands. "Not that one," I held it to my chest. "It's a secret.."

Austin raised his eyebrows, the corners of his mouth turning into a smirk. "Oh is it?"

"Yes. And you can't see it. Not yet."

"When can I?"

"Soon," I pointed at him, and then stood up, putting all my papers into a pile to pick them up. I quickly put them inside my little notebook I kept my bunk before coming back to Austin.

"Oh yeah, I was sent here to get you because you have an acoustic concert to get to," Austin chuckled when he remembered.

I nodded before tugging on my hair a little bit. "Do I look like turd?" I asked with a little pout.

Austin chuckled and stepped forward to me, brushing some of the stray hairs that had fallen all over the place behind my ears. "You look beautiful," he said lightly, making blush rise on my cheeks and a small smile grow on my lips.

"What? Was that a smile?" Austin teased, pretending to be shocked. I rolled my eyes at him, gnawing on my cheek to hide my smile away. "Oh no, Haze, don't you smile! You're definitely not allowed to smile! It might be the end of the world!" He laughed lightly, teasing me enough to want to not allow myself to smile. He could see I was purposely doing that. "Don't smile! Don't you dare!" He continued and then reached down, tickling my sides a bit.

I squirmed, wanting to let out a laugh, but still being stubborn and biting my cheek to keep myself from smiling. "Stop," I managed to get out, trying to get away from his hands that were tickling me.

"What was that? Tickle me more? Okay, if you say so.." He lunged his lanky fingers down to my sides again, and I opened my mouth to let out a 'no!' and turn to run away, but he caught me from behind and got my sides, laughs erupting from my mouth without warning. "Stop, Austin!" I giggled out of breath as he continued to tickle me. "I'm gona pee!" I squealed.

Austin chuckled in my ears and finally stopped, letting me catch my breath. He wrapped his arms around my waist from behind and leaned down, planting a kiss behind my ear and on my neck. "I love it when you smile... When you laugh," he sighed into my ears, shivers being sent down my spine. "You haven't been doing that as much lately.."

I stayed quiet, knowing he was right. Whether it was because of the small arguments Austin and I got in about the ring on my neck, the anxiety I've been having, or the fear of being a mom. It was all a little straining. "I'm sorry," I mumbled quietly.

"Don't be sorry, Haze," he whispered. "But are you doing okay? Up in this noggin of yours?" He said the last part teasingly, trying to keep the mood light as he tapped my head.

"I'm doing fine," I said as convincingly as I could, turning so I was facing Austin again. The look on his face showed he was debating if he should believe me, but nodded anyways. He then leaned down, kissing me sweetly, making me smile again.

With out a word, Austin took my hand when he broke away and started leading me to the door. "But Austin?" I stopped, as did he when he turned and raised an eyebrow at me.

"Can we.." I nervously looked around, not exactly knowing how to take this. I never really had talks with Mark or anything.. "Can we talk later? About like... everything and stuff.."

Austin nodded seriously, but then chuckled. "Yes, Haze, we can talk about stuff," he mocked me. Giving him a nervous smile in return before we walked out of the bus, nervous butterflies in my stomach about the stuff we might talk about but also excitement and relief for this performance.

Notes

So Hazel is struggling a little bit?

Let me know what you think!