"My name is Hazel Starr Hendrix and this is Boulevard of Broken Dreams by my inspiration, Greenday," I said to the webcam, gripping onto the neck of my guitar. "Hopefully you guys like it," I gave a weak smile, taking a deep breath in before I started to strum the cords.

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone up there will find me
'til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone up there will find me
'til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aaah-ah
Ah-ah, ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
When the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone up there will find me
'til then I walk alone...


I looked up from my shaky hands holding onto the guitar pick and up to the camera. Fuck I loved making these videos, hoping the one day especially I can be noticed and follow my dreams of doing something in the world of music.. Besides these videos, sneaking off when Mark falls asleep to go perform gigs at the local bar is all I've got. Music is the only thing that keeps my pieces together.

"Hazel?!" Mark's booming voice echoed through the house and I quickly shut my laptop, barely in time before he stormed into the room. "What the fuck are you doing?" He yelled and I sat up, about to stand until he stood right in front of me. He reached down and grabbed my guitar from my hands forcefully. He looked down at it with disgust until chucking it across the room. He can touch me all he wants, not my guitar. "NO! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" I shot up from my seat only to be cut off my Mark shoving me down.

"What the fuck did you just say do me?!" He yelled, getting down into my face, making me coward away to the feel of his hot breath on my neck, reeking of alcohol. My stomach churned. "I said what the fuck did you say to me, bitch?!" He screamed, saliva falling out of his mouth. I wanted so bad to scream back at him, to tell him to go to hell and rot, but I couldn't, instead tears rolled down my face. "Oh, so now we're gona cry, huh? You're the one that's recording these fucking videos so you can LEAVE ME! You're gona leave me aren't you? You selfish bitch! Stop crying!"

A sharp noise rang out when the palm of his hand came in contact with the side of my face, making me yell out. It's rare whenever he hurts me like this, it had been a while since he last did, but I guess he can't hold it in for too long. My body was shaking with hatred and fear and sadness, hand cupping my burning cheek. "YOU LEAVE ME AND THAT'LL BE THE LAST THING YOU EVER DO!" He yelled making a sudden movement, shoving my laptop off of the bed.I didn't want to, but I knew how to get him too back off, before things get too bad. "No! Mark, I'd never leave you! You know that, I love you!" I laid there, a shaking mess, holding my cheek for a little until Mark's eyes widened. "Oh god," he breathed, coming down on to his knees. "I'm so sorry.. I-I don't know what came over me, oh god.."

I wanted to scowl at him, he says that every time, but I just listened as tears filled up his eyes. "I just saw you making those videos and got so scared.. I always think you're going to leave me because you're so beautiful.. you deserve someone better." Fuck yes I do.

"I wasn't going to post it, I swear," I lied. "I just wanted to try out a new song a see how I sounded, that's it," lie again. Mark nodded and brought his hand up. I flinched away at first, but he just continued to move it, this time only lightly placing it on the side of my face that was red from the outline of his hand. "I'm sorry I got like this, I didn't mean to hurt you," he cried, the smell of whiskey making me scrunch up my nose. "I love you so much, please don't be angry."

"It's okay," I said through clenched teeth, lying. again.

"Do you forgive me? Please for give me Hazel, I can't live without you," he said wrapping his arms around my shoulders and squeezing me tight. "I love you."
I had to play along with him, so I nodded, hugging him back with a secret, disgusted scowl on my face. "It's okay," I repeated.

"I'll make it up to you, we'll go out to a nice dinner.." He blabbered on, trying to sound as convincing as possible, looking me back in the eyes. "I'll get you a new guitar.." This is not the first time this happened. He comes in drunk, or just pissed, scares the hell out of me, hits me if I'm lucky, then tries to make it all better so I don't want to leave him. Trust me, I do, but I'm not that stupid to try. He'd freak out completely and I don't want to find out if he'd actually kill me. He leaned in and stared kissing me lightly and lovingly, being so sweet again. "I love you. I love you. I love you." He said each time he pecked my lips or cheek or neck. "You're so beautiful," he breathed against me, making me smile weakly. He knew how to mess with my head. How to turn into a monster and then back into the man I fell in love with in only seconds.

I nodded to his offer, knowing that if we're in public he'll be nicer to me. But then everything I do wrong will be built up in him to release on me at home.. "I need to be inside you," he mumbled into my hair, hands going to the hem of my pants.

"Mark, not now, okay? Let's just go to dinner.." I tried to reach down and move his hands away, but he kept going. "I need to be inside you," he repeated, this time more sternly. Monsters back.

"No. Mark, no." I said, trying to move away from his body. He just grabbed me and threw me back on the bed. "Mark, please. Not tonight. Stop."

Not ever again.

Mark put his knees on my legs so I couldn't move them and put an arm on my stomach, roughly holding me down while he pulled my jeans down. "Mark, stop," I squirmed, but he didn't, just yanked my jeans down far enough and started to undo his zipper. I was struggling harder now, disgust in my features.

"Ow! Mark, please, I'm tired and you're hurting me," I said as he grabbed the wrist of my hand that was trying to push him away. He gripped it so tight I could feel the blood stop rushing to my hand and his knees that were holding down my legs started to cause more and more pain.

Once again Mark didn't listen, and at this point I had tears streaming down my face and knew I couldn't do anything to stop him, he was much stronger.. So I gave up.

&&&&&&&

I ran from the bunking area straight to the bathroom, shutting a locking it behind me. I went to the corner of the room, putting my back to it and sliding down so I could rap my arms around my knees. My body was racking with shakes and my chest felt like it was collapsing in on itself. Realizing I was having a panic attack, I only grew more frantic, starting to wheeze. I used to get these and anxiety attacks when I was with Mark and even as a teen, but they always scared the crap out of me.

But this time it was because I heard the bus door open, waking me up from my restless sleep and nightmares. I also know that Austin just got back and now I'm freaking out even more.

"Haze? Haze, you in here?" Alan's voice called out as he knocked on the bathroom door. I couldn't get words out between my wheezes or sobs, let alone breaths. Fuck, I can't breathe!

Alan tried opening the door, but soon finding it was locked. "Hazel?" He asked. "Fuck," he must have heard my wheezing. "Aust, you got the key to the bathroom?!" He called over and I buried my head against my knees, still not being able to breathe right, my breaths coming in quick, short, gasps. I heard a lot more commotion outside of the door, but could barely hear anymore over the own noises I was making. I was able to make out the sound of the door being swung open and my name being frantically called.

"Haze.." Austin's voice whispered, sounding close to me and in a second I was wrapped up in his arms, clinging onto his shirt. "Hazel, breathe. In and out. In and out," Austin breathed slowly, trying to show me the way. "Focus on the sound of my breathing, Hazel."

It wasn't too bad of an attack, so I did just as he said, trying to mimic what he was doing. "In and out, just like that," Austin rubbed my back. His voice was soothing me as I focused on the sound of him. My breaths were shaky from my tears. He stayed perfectly still while he held my shaking body, allowing me to take all the time to relax. "A-Austin," I looked up to him after a little, remembering I had to tell him.

"I know. We need to talk," he stated. "How bout a walk?" He looked down at me, but didn't smile. He wasn't normally as happy or worried or energetic as he was, well, I mean I wouldn't blame him, but it made me wonder what he knows.

I nodded and let him help me up. Once he made sure I was stable, he turned around and walked out of the bathroom, brushing past Alan who was standing in the doorway. Not a good sign. I went over to Alan and he pulled me into a tight hug. "You'll be fine, Haze. You can do this," he said, his head resting on top of mine.

I nodded and we broke the hug. "Did you tell him?" I asked in a mumbled voice.

"No, that's for you to do, but he knows somethin's up," he said. I nodded again and gave him a weak smile before I went in the direction Austin did, seeing him waiting by the door. He nodded his head in the direction of outside when I came over and I followed him after taking a glance back to Alan who gave me a reassuring nod.

Neither Austin or I said anything as we walked for a while, which was worrying me, but I also took the time to take in the fresh air. "You okay?" Austin finally broke the silence, looking down at me.

"Yeah," I mumbled. "You?"

He sighed and that's when he stopped walking, stepping in front of me to make me stop as well. He looked down at his feet for a moment, hands still in his pockets. "You weren't there when I woke up today, again," he started. "You weren't there yesterday morning, either, just gone somewhere.. acting all weird," he shrugged. "...You've been acting different, Hazel."

I swallowed, feeling terrible for making him feel bad. "I'm sorry, Austin. I really am."

"Is there something you want to tell me?" His voice was weak, making my heart ache.

"It's about Mark- But, look, you just gotta let me explain. You have to let me explain," I said hurriedly, holding my hands out as I talked. Austin laughed sadly, rolling his head to the side. "It's about Mark," he laughed again, weaker this time, but it sounded as if he was on the verge of crying. "Your husband. You lied to me," he stated, knowing what he thought was right.

"Austin, please just let me explain," I begged, stepping closer to him, but he stepped back.

"You're married?"

"Aust- look, I-"

"Yes or no?! Are you married?!" His face turned a light shade of red.

I was shaking a little bit, my mouth parted open as I barely got my answer out. "...Yes."

"Fuck!" He snapped, running his hand over his face before clenching them into fists. "I've been putting everything into this relationship and you just lie to me!"

"I was going to tell you!"

"When, Hazel?! After you met my family? After you said no when I asked? After I told you I loved you? When?!"

He loves me? "Austin... Mark and I, it's not what you think. I love you. You have to let me explain.." I stuttered out.

"Go ahead then!"

I opened my mouth, visibly shaking, trying to rack my brain for what to say or where to start. From the beginning. Okay. "Hazel fucking Hendrix!" Wait. What? I didn't say that. Austin didn't say that.. We both looked up and I turned around to see Tara, the girl from college, stomp up to me. I looked at her confused, but then out of nowhere, her hand came up and hit across my face. My hand darted up to grab the burning skin, backing up into Austin, who had took a threatening step towards Tara after he pulled me into him. What the fuck?!

I snapped my head back up and then in a second, lunged over to her, reaching out to hurt her. I was so close, but Austin put his arm in the way, holding me back. "What the fuck?!" I growled at her, now noticing she had tears and smeared make up all over her face.

"I should be asking the same thing!" She stomped her foot, trying to be as intimidating as me or Austin, making it obvious we had scared her a little bit. "What the hell do you mean?! What makes you think you can come here a-"

"You killed Mark!" She cried, making me freeze. Something inside me turned to ice and I just stared at her, mouth parted open in shock. "Wha-" I breathed, but couldn't finish it.

"After running into you the other day, I called your husband to see how he was doing, because he was my friend!" She cried. "But I got his brother and he told me all about you! You psycho bitch!" She tried to come at me again, but Austin held her back, shoving her away from me because I was too frozen to do anything.

She stopped trying to attack me, but was still shouting at us as Austin grabbed me, trying to pull me away. "Did you know she's married, huh?!" She screamed at him. "Do you know what this bitch did!?!"

Austin finally got me to turn away from her, pulling me back in the direction of the bus. I was in shock, not expecting that at all, not exactly sure how to deal with it, either.

Before we climbed back up into the bus, we stopped a few feet away from it and Austin stepped in front of me again. "I'm so sick of this confusing, dumb, and pointless lying crap. You don't tell me shit about yourself and I still trust you. But not now," he started sternly, shaking his head. "I let you into my life after I promised myself I wouldn't do something stupid like that again, not after my exes- I talked to my dad about meeting you!…I fucking fell so hard for you, so quick. And I knew it…I knew that it was quick, I knew that we were moving so fast…but I didn't care. I trusted you. I thought I knew you."

"You do know me, Austin-"

"Let me finish." He cut me off. "I'm hurt, okay? I'm hurt, but I'm ready to listen. So we're going to go back in that bus and you are going to cut the crap. You are going to sit down and spill everything.. try to earn my fucking trust back."

I nodded, not knowing what to say as Austin and I looked at each other. I could tell he was angry, but I was expecting much worse.. I became so lost in my head that I didn't even realize Austin had went back into the bus until he was basically all the way up the steps, so I numbly followed. It remained quiet as I went to the couch and sat next to Alan who was watching us with the rest of the guys, unsure of what to say. Austin went over to the kitchen area and got me a glass of water to help me after my little panic attack and the shock. "Are you okay if everyones here, or do you want to go somewhere private?" Austin asked, still kind of harsh.

I looked around at them, Tino looking the most confused. "..It's fine. I want you guys to know."

Austin nodded, and sat next to me on the couch, not as close as I would have liked. "Tells us about you, Hazel. Nows your chance to explain everything."

"Just start from the beginning with Mark, Haze, you can do this," Alan gave me a reassuring look, the other guys nodding as well.

"Okay... Okay," I breathed in, but couldn't stop my shaking hands if I wanted to. "Mark," his name was like acid on my tongue. "I met him in college."

"You went to college?" Tino interjected.

"Yeah, but I dropped out. Now do you want me to tell the story or not?"

"Right, sorry," he nodded for me to continue.

I took a quick glance at Austin who was watching me intently, then looked down at the glass in my hands. "I met him in college, my first year.." I sighed nervously, trying to keep my cool. "We started talking and we fell for each other instantly. He seemed so perfect and I was so absorbed in him, loved him completely..." I shook my head. "I was going to major in musical arts and he was a writer, wanting to write for the sports section of the newspaper," Nice and easy Hazel, you can do this.. "...He was already on his final year of college while I had barely finished my first and when we started getting serious, he wanted me to move back to Texas with him. At the time I still lived back home in Washington with my family, so of course I was against it, but after a ton of him bugging me, I gave in because I thought I was in love," I shook my head, battling the oncoming tears, but even just recalling Mark was enough to send them over the edge. "My family was so pissed at me, my sister said she never wanted to see me again if I left her.. But I did anyways.." All the fights and yells and tears that were exchanged through my family at home were so heart wrenching. But I sighed, wiped my eyes, and continued.

"Once we moved in together, he proposed... I thought I was living the fairytale life with him, even if I was getting married so young. He got a nice job, got paid a lot.. treated me like a princess in front of everyone and up until we got married, which was not long after. But, when we finally tied the knot, he started to turn bad. Ugly.. He used it as an excuse to finally be himself now that I couldn't leave him, not easily at least.."

"He spent more time at work, some nights wouldn't even come home. He spent all his money on booze.. He was a heavy drinker... Would leave for weekends all together and comeback late nights, wake me up and h-he'd... he'd say he 'needed to be inside me so badly'," I paused, not being able to talk through the upcoming tears, putting a hand on my head that seemed to start spinning. "That... That was just the start of it. Our marriage started to fall apart with each moment; each time he wouldn't come home, each time he'd deny cheating, each time he made me feel like shit, each time he forced himself on me, each time he would drunkenly scream at me, and finally.. each time he would.." I had started to raise my voice, but I choked on the last words, angry sobs coming out.

I could feel everyone had tensed in the room, especially Austin next to me who had hands balled into fists. I had to look to the side away from him, trying to control my tears, but having to bring a hand up to cover my face. My body was shaking and I felt Alan put a hand on my back while Austin's warm hand reached down and took the glass from my other shaking hand before I dropped it. Digging up all these memories brings all the old buried feelings and pain up with them. So much that not even my stories can't do them justice.

I did look back up to Austin when his hand came back around mine, looking me in the eyes. His big brown ones had tears rimming them as well, but he still nodded at me to continue. I need to get this out.

I breathed out, trying to get my words out right. "I-I like to believe our whole relationship wasn't a lie or an allusion, but really, that's all it was. He'd just trick me, mess with my head, and I let him because he was my first love. I thought I loved him.." I swallowed. "Things got so bad and I realized h-he was pure evil and I was living in fear everyday of my miserable life after that first time he touched me... hurt me.. just waiting for the next time he broke his sick act," I gripped onto Austin's hand. "I was trapped with him because I was so stupid! But if I even thought about leaving, he'd kill me like he'd always threaten to. I was so fucking scared!" I cried out.

"Haze.." Austin croaked out. "I'm gona kill this bastard."

I started laughing at that, which got me weird, confused looks. My laugh sounded sad and crazy, but after a moment of it, it turned into sobs again. I angrily wiped at my eyes. "I thought that, too. I really wanted to kill him sometimes, but knew I never would. I didn't have that in me! To kill a person I once loved!" It was hard to understand me through my tears. "But," I shrugged. "I guess you never know until the opportunity shows itself."

I braced myself for the memory I was about to dig into, my whole body and mind begging me not to. It's what I've kept down for so long.. "It was barely over a year and a half ago," I breathed in, sniffling. I can do this. "My brother- I have a brother and a sister," I informed them. "He was coming home from serving in Afghanistan... I didn't know it, but he was going to surprise me at home."

I started crying again, the memory so clear as it repeated itself in my head. "I got home.. an-and I opened the door to see my brother tied up to a chair in the middle of our kitchen... H-He was bl-bloody, beaten.. The worse thing I've ever seen..." I shook my head as if trying to wipe the picture away, tears falling faster as I did. "I went to go untie him when Mark came out. He hit me on the head with the back of his gun... He had a gun!" I cried. "He made me fall, nearly crack my head open for the second time on the kitchen counter. I could barely see or-or tell what was going on or what Mark was saying.." The memory was so powerful. So intense.This was the first time I had gone this deep. "He thought that my brother was my secret lover and that I was cheating on him! He was going to kill my brother. My big brother!" I cried and Austin shifted towards me, not caring that I was squeezing all hell out of his hand. "I remember finally, finally getting up, kicking him in the balls as hard as I could to get him to stop pointing the gun in my brothers face. It worked cause he dropped it, but then after having his way with me, he grabbed a kitchen knife. He was so close... So close to hurting my brother... I had to do something.. I-I-I," Wails unknowingly came out of my mouth and Austin quickly brought me into a long needed hug. I clung desperately onto his shirt.

Tell him Hazel. Tell him what you did. TELL HIM.

"I shot him!" I cried out into his neck. "I took the gun and I shot my husband!" I cried and cried and cried so intensely into Austin. I was in hysterics, barely able to handle everything that I just brought up. It had taken so much effort to keep that down, to try and live normally, even with all my stupid disorders.. And when I just spoke, all the pain and sadness and guilt and fear came back up with the words, my body not being big or strong enough to take it. I want to run.. to run and run and run until I reach the edge of the earth, away from everything. And then I want to scream, I want to fall, I want everything that I'm feeling that's trying to burst out of it's containment inside my body to come out of me like a demon would it's vessels body.

But all I could do was cry as I held onto Austin like I was clinging for my life.

"Haze, Hazel.." Austin called out my name, voice shaky as he rubbed my arms and got me to look at him. "You're gona make yourself sick, baby please," he had tears on his face too now, but I couldn't stop. All I could see was Mark. Every terrible, cruel word he ever said to me. Every time he'd make me think he'd love me, then toy with my mind. Every time he'd hurt me. Every time he'd force himself on me. All the fear. All the pain. Oh so much fucking pain. And then the crazy-ness he put on me. The worst kind of abuse is emotional.. mental. It tore at my head like knives. But at the same time I thought of the old Mark I fell in love with. The old Mark that I'd always remind myself was still there. The old Mark that I shot.

Austin started humming lightly to me, trying to get me to calm down. It was a Greenday song. 21 Guns to be exact. I got to the point where the aftershock of all the crying was the only thing left, leaving my breaths still shaky and my eyes stinging. "Don't stop singing, I like that song," I mumbled the first words into Austin's chest and everyone chuckled lightly, besides him.

"You like Greenday?"

"Love'em," I sighed. "My brother used to sing some of their songs to me to help me out when we were younger," I adjusted my grip on his shirt, still stuttering a little from my shaky aftershock. "They became kind of like my heroes," I shrugged, my eyes starting to feel heavy. It was quiet for a little while after that, until I sat back up straight. "I'll finish now."

"Haze, give yourself a break right now," Alan started, but I shook my head.

"No, no. I gotta get this off my chest," I looked towards Austin. "I don't want to keep anything back anymore."

No one questioned me again, just gave me some worried looks and a nod, so I sighed.

"Everything after that is a blur to me, really. I just remember waking up the hospital miserable. The nurses told me I had gotten so many blows to my head that I got amnesia. It wasn't a severe case, but it made me feel so messed up inside."

"You don't still have it, do you?" Alan asked and I shook my head.

"No, I recovered, but ever since then, I've felt.. weird. Like something is missing or I'm not supposed to be happy, which I guess I shouldn't have been after what my therapist called a 'traumatic event'," I ran a hand through my hair. "I got diagnosed with a lot of shit after that.. mentally. I don't think I have most of it anymore, besides like anxiety and stuff. Still had my depression, but I got that as a kid," I saw a few curious and worried looks my way, but shook them off. Thats a different story. "But I couldn't talk about it for a while.. Didn't even try until now... I was so shredded up in the head that I buried it so I could try to forget..."

"That's why you never talked about your past," Austin stated, not looking at me anymore ,but I still nodded.

"That prick, what happened to him?" Alan asked another question.

I swallowed and reached up, grabbing the necklace absentmindedly that was around my neck. His wedding band was attached. I hate so much talking about this because it makes me feel like he would just re appear in front of me.. "H-He's not... He didn't die. He….he's still alive but….he…." I shook my head. "He's still alive but he's…he never came back. Went into a coma... He's just a shell. His brother, kept hoping that maybe he would…Maybe one day he would sit up and come alive again, say something, look someone in the eye, anything. And that's the part.." I trailed off. "Even though he's not here, really, I still live in fear. Everyday," all those nights of waking up in fetal position came to mind. "W-What if he comes back? Or-or he.." Again, I couldn't finish. I loved him at one point, before he went bad, and deep down I feel terrible for nearly killing him, but at the same time.. I don't. Not at all. "He's in a home now, still hasn't shown any signs of life or death, but is still registered as alive because there's a chance..." I breathed out, trying to keep myself under control. "That's why I'm still married.. I could never bring myself to get a divorce... I couldn't if I even tried. His family members would have to sign the papers for him.. but, they all hate me. They all want me dead."

No one said anything, so I moved so I was shifted towards Austin. "Ever since the day I nearly fucking killed him I wasn't myself. I didn't know who I was, with the amnesia and depression and all that shit that was eating at my brain. I felt guilty all the time, and I also felt so angry, but at the same time I didn't feel anything at all. So I did all this shit to try and feel something! I didn't know what to do with myself!.. But music.. coming here, meeting you guys!" I looked at all of them, trailing of before turning back to Austin who hadn't said a word or moved a muscle. "I'm so sorry I never said anything. I-"

"You could of have just... All you had to do was tell me, not lie," he wouldn't look at me, but his voice was barely above a whisper.

"I didn't- I'm sorry.. I-I-"

"Relax, Hazel," Austin still had his hand holding mine comfortingly. I nodded and turned back to look at the rest of the guys. "..I love you guys."

"Awwww!" Tino cheered out and suddenly we were all in a tight group hug. "Family hug!"

I smiled weakly, a small laugh escaping mostly everyones lips as the mood was slightly being uplifted, me feeling a bit better, even though Austin hasn't said very much or softened up.
After everyone was tired of of squishing each other, we all helped each other up.. "Go relax, you crazy bitch," Alan teased and I gave him a small, weak smile.

"Will do, you stupid jerk."

We both laughed quietly and I followed Austin to his bunk, having a little bit of de ja vu. He still wasn't saying anything to me though as he watched me climb up into his bunk, not joining me. "Austin," I breathed out, but once he heard his name escape my lips he sighed and looked down at his feet. "Austin I meant to tell you all of this, I really did, but-"

"You lied," he breathed. "You didn't tell me over and over again, and then you lied."

"Austin I didn't mean to. W-When you asked, about Mark, you misunderstood me when I said no an-and," I started to freak out again, stuttering.

"Haze, Haze," he came closer to the bunk. "I'm not mad, okay? It's just.. it's a lot to take in."

"..I get that."

"I think," he breathed out, debating wether to finish what he was going to say. "I just need a break... To breathe a little. To understand this," he motioned around us.

"A break?" I was taken aback, my heart and voice trying not to crack.

"I want to be with you, Haze. I do. I really do," he put one hand on my cheek. "I want to hold you and I want to take care of you and I want to have you by my side and make love to you, but you have to understand where I'm coming from," he started. "First, I find out that you lied to me, repeatedly almost. I trusted you and let you into my life completely, even after all the shit with my exes and my trust issues.. I fell for you so fast, one fucking moment was all that it took and I let so much out to you, only to find that you were keeping everything huge from me?.. I get it, but you just went on and on keeping stuff from me when you knew you were lying. That hurts, okay? I get it, but it hurts... And then I hear all about this fucking shit head that did horrible, horrible things to you and it's a ton to take in. I want to find this guy and hurt him as much as he hurt you for everyday of the rest of my life after seeing you like this, even if you did love him," he sighed. "..I just need a break to get my head on straight and same for you.. Just so we can take a deep breath."

My lip was quivering again as I nodded. "I understand, Austin." I really deserved much worse than what I got for lying to him so much. He told me about himself and I just kept everything about me wrapped up, causing him pain and stress. I was being totally unfair, even now I am. He nodded, the sadness in his face as much as it was mine.

Austin sighed and looked back up from the bow his head was dangling in. "It's okay, Haze.. You're okay." Nodding, I bit my lip, waiting for the next part. "I should go, I need some air and you should relax."

"Austin.." I reached out to him, knowing that if he goes, he's just going to be setting our 'break' in stone. Austin had to look away for me for a moment, in order to keep his face and voice strong. And when he looked back to me, his brown eyes melting my heart, all he did was lean down and kiss me on the forehead before backing up and leaving.

I put my hand over my mouth to make sure no noises came out and as if to hold myself together. He's not gone, just getting some air. We both just need some air.

That's all I kept repeating inside my head as I rolled onto my side, having no more tears left after today. Just getting some air.

Notes

Blah I don't know. I wanted to make this chapter and the big revealing of all the secrets and shit like so perfect but idk. Do you guys think I did okay with it? I re read it and wrote it like 6 times lol

But the back story to Mark and Hazel is now not confusing hopefully. She finally did what she was so afraid to do and told all those guys she cares about! And what do you think about the flashback with Mark? I think the worst kind of abuse is the mental/emotional one, ya know? But of course the physical too.

I love you guys, let me know what you think!<3