One Moment

"No," I breathed, trying to roll away. "No, Mark please, no," I cried, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Haze," he started shaking my shoulders. When has Mark ever called me Haze? "Haze wake up," it wasn't Mark's voice, but my shoulders were still being shaken.

When reality came back to me, I jolted up with a gasped breath, looking around frantically. It was Alan. Not Mark. "Sounded like you were having a bad dream," Alan said. It was just a dream...

I took a minute to regain my composure, running a hand over my face and catching my breath. "Yeah," I nodded, plopping back down on the bed. It smelled like Austin here in his bunk, making my heart ache. He hadn't come back yet.

"How are you doing? Ya know with everything.." Alan asked a fairly good question. I'm not sure how I'm doing. I'm not quite sure what I'm feeling either, or how to pin it down. Sadness was definitely there. Fear, guilt, anger, hurt.. as usual.. Bringing it up made it so much more real, reminding me of the fear I have of Mark, or now his brother, Ian... Some anxiety from everything was also there.. Pain for remembering. Relief that I got everything off my shoulders. A twinge of happiness that no one hates me, in fact they love me still. And probably some heart ache from smelling Austin's sent here.

I wished he was right next to me, holding me when I woke up, but I feel like that wont happen for a little bit. I'm still trying to accept this 'break' thing. It's not that big of a deal, right? I totally get where Austin is coming from, and maybe even understand that I could use some air through my mess of a head, but I just don't like it. I don't like being away from Austin, especially right now. I don't care if it makes me sound pathetic, I don't feel like I process right without him by my side.

After taking a little bit to respond, I turned my head to look at Alan, his ginger locks dangling in his eyes a bit. "I feel like I need to get drunk," I grumbled.

Alan chuckled, "I can help you with that one. When do you want to get started?" He tried to give me an uplifting smile.

"What time is it?" I asked first, watching as he pulled out his phone to check.

"Just about 4," he informed me. "Oh and by the way, Sam called lookin for you.. I told him you were here sleeping and he said that lucky for you, you don't have any sets today, or tomorrow."

I nodded, "I should probably go see him."

"Drinks after?" Alan smirked.

"Lots of drinks after," I gave him the best smile I could manage and sat up, jumping down from the bus. I could feel that my hair was a mess and I felt pretty shitty too, but I really don't care right now. "Is Austin here?" I turned to ask Alan quietly before we walked back to the main area of the bus.

"No, he left a little while ago for a walk or somethin'."

I bit my lip and nodded, looking down at the ground, trying not to seem too saddened by it. When we walked out of the bunking area I smiled and rolled my eyes at the sight in front of me. Aaron was still sitting in the love seat, but his hat over his face, snoring lightly. Phil was lying on the couch, arms and legs sprawled out, face smashed on the cushion. Tino wasn't here, but I did hear some shuffling in the kitchen, going over to see him cramming cheez-its into his mouth. The box clearly saying 'AARON'S DON'T TOUCH' in big black marker.

I laughed at the guilty look on his face and he just shrugged, "want some?" he held out the box but I shook my head. "I'm good," I chuckled. "I'm heading out, I'll see you guys later?" I turned to face them by the door. They both nodded so I went over, giving them each a quick hug before exiting the bus.

My walk back was slow, my body slumped as I trudged on. I hoped maybe to see Austin out here, but of course, I didn't.

I felt mentally and physically exhausted as I swung my bus door open, shuffling up the steps. And when I stepped all the way in, turning to notice the rest of my band sitting there, they looked up from what they were doing to see me, eyes growing wide. I don't even want to know what I looked like.

Their eyes on me, full of concern and confusion were enough to make me feel sad again. I opened my mouth, getting ready to explain, but no words coming out for a minute while everything started to catch up to me. A small sob escaped my lips, but I quickly put my hand over my mouth to stop it, only to feel my knees quake under me. I was too tired in all ways to fight what was coming on, so I let myself fall to the ground, sitting onto my knees while I buried my head into my hands.

I heard a few 'holy shit''s and some 'hazel?''s before everyone was kneeling on the ground next to me. "I told him. I told him everything," I cried out into my hands. My voice was barely audible, but I know they got the gist.

&&&&&&

I shook my head as I let it bow down in between my arms that were resting on the sink. I'm sick of looking at myself in the mirror. I look just as big of a mess as I feel. Hopefully my shower will help that..

I just spent at least an hour having quality time with my band, which was awesome. I love them so much and they know how to make me feel so much better. They're my family.
They told me how proud they were that I finally did talk and that what Austin said and did was understandable. Izzy said that it will all work out... I really hope it does.

I even did try to call my therapist, but she didn't pick up. I think it might already be night time where she lives.. Oops.

I sighed and peeled off the rest of my clothes, going to stand into the hot stream of water. Even though I just took like my tenth nap for the past few days earlier, I'm still exhausted. But, I'm going back over to get drunk with Alan after my shower, hopefully to see Austin as well.

The warm water was relaxing my tensed muscles and washing off the self pity, too.

After my shower I got dressed, but didn't even attempt to do my hair or make up. I never really do, but today I could give less of a crap about the dark bags under my eyes or my hair that seems to fall all over my face.

I sent a text to Alan as I walked out of the bathroom, telling him that I'm coming, him just responding with a happy cat emoji, making me roll my eyes. "I'm going to get drunk," I announced, walking to the door. My band all already knew of my plans, but I'd thought I could still let them know I'm leaving.

"Have fun!" Izzy called and I waved before hopping out of the bus.

Arriving at the Of Mice bus, I was growing very nervous about if Austin was here or what I'd say to him or if he'd talk to me. It hadn't even been half a day since he said we were going to take a break, so I'm not exactly sure what is going to happen.. "Heads up!" Alan called as soon as I stepped on the bus, throwing a bottle of vodka at me. I luckily caught it in time and then looked at him with wide eyes. "Haze is here!" He called out, laughing at me as he came over, throwing his arm over my shoulder. "Ready to get druuuuuunnk?" He asked.

"It seems like you're already halfway there," I chuckled, seeing that he was shirtless, hair all over the place, and voice slurred.

"I guess you better catch up then!" He flopped down on the couch. I was about to do the same when the door to the back room opened, Austin standing there. We stopped and stared at each other for a minute, both frozen and unsure what to say, feelings bubbling up inside.

I was about to say something to him, anything, but he snapped his head away and started walking towards the door, not making eye contact. My eyes still followed him, even his retreating back as he opened the door to the bus and jogged down the steps.

I squeezed my eyes shut as I turned back to Alan, popping the top off the bottle in my hand and not hesitating to take a big drink.

Notes

okay so this chapter was kind of a short boring one, but it was just a filler.

First confrontation with Austin not such a good one?
BUT DO NOT WORRY! More Austin and Hazel good stuff coming up!!!

Let me know what you guys think!! I love you all<3 THANK YOU so much for the comments, I'm so glad you're enjoying this!