One Moment

"A journal?" I asked my therapist skeptically.

"Yes, Hazel. A journal," she retorted. I can just picture her rolling her eyes at me. She was a sassy therapist.

"Like a diary? You think having a diary will help? Isn't the whole reason I'm talking to a therapist is to have a person to spill all my crap to?" I fiddled my fuzzy blanket between my fingers as I talked, laying on my side in my bunk.

"You're not in elementary school anymore, it's not necessarily a diary. It's something to get all your private, personal thoughts out on when I'm not there, like now when I'm in a complete different state."

"But I can call you, like now, can't I?"

"Of course you can, but I'm not always going to be free to talk. We have completely different schedules, not to mention time zones."

I sighed and flipped over onto my back, staring at the ceiling of my bunk. "Fine. But can I just talk to you right now?"

"Yes, of course. You left off with something about your boyfriend, Austin was it?"

"Yeah, Austin. "

"I'm glad to see you've settled down a little," her voice seemed happy for me.

"I don't even know if we're still together, Karen.. He..He found a picture of Mark and I from years ago and I guess someone told him about us or something.. He's pissed. He thinks I'm married."

"You are married, honey," she reminded me. My hand instantly flew up to the ring hanging around my neck. "It's complicated, sure, but when you break it down. You have a husband."

"No I don't."

"Are you forgetting things again?" She asked, worry in her voice.

"No. No I'm remembering more and more things. I don't want to remember them, Karen," I pouted.

"You don't get to skip the painful memories, hun. It's a good thing you're remembering, that means your brain is working to get better. Maybe this has to do with Austin?'

I opened my mouth to respond, but ended up freezing and shutting it, thoughts heavy in my mind. Was I really getting "better"? Austin? Austin was making me better? "Do you want to get better, Hazel?" Karen asked after a few moments of my silence, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah, I think so.."

"Why don't you know so?"

"I don't know... I mean- ugh. I don't know." I stammered. "I don't want to go back into my past," my voice was much quieter now.

"That's completely understandable. But, if you ever want to get better, like we've talked about before, you have to get through it. You can't pick and chose what you feel or what you remember. It's going to be difficult, but it's completely possible to get through. Especially with the people you have by your side."

"But-But what if everyone hates me? They're all going to hate me when I tell them. And what if i can't even tell them?" I started nervously blabbering on. "I try to but I just... can't."

"If these people really love you, they will come back to you. They will understand. And it's better they hear it from you now, than someone else later," she paused. "Do this not only for your friends, but also for yourself. So you can move on and heal. I know it's not easy, but we've been working on this for a while now, and I think you're finally ready..."

If Karen thinks I can do this.. I can do this. To overcome and move on. I can be happy. "Yeah, maybe you're right.." I sighed.

"You're a strong girl, Hazel. You can do this,"

".. I can do this."

"That's the spirit!"

"Thank you, Karen. You're the best."

"Oh, I know," she laughed. "I'm always here to talk, good luck, sweetheart."

"Thanks, really. Bye, Karen," I smiled and hung up my cell, throwing it onto my pillow as I sat up. I let my feet dangle off my bunk while I sighed out, letting my head droop. I guess I am getting better..

I snuck my hand under my pillow and grabbed the small notepad full of all my old songs. I had stuffed this under here after finding it the other day, actually finding it interesting to look through. It was all my old memories and feelings basically coming to life in this old book. Not to mention I had a few keepsakes scattered throughout this.

There were pieces of crumbled paper sticking out of lots of pages, one of them happening to be the one I was looking for. I tugged it out and started unfolding it, biting my lip as I red it.

Patient: Hazel Starr Hendrix. Occupation: Musical Arts. Medical info.: Clinical Depression, Recovered Amnesia, Dissociative Disorder...
Spouse: Mark Troy Hall. Occupation: Texas Daily Press Sports Journalist. Medical Info: Personality Disorder
Mother: Judy Starr Smith. Occupation: Nurse. Medical Info: Postpartum Depression, Alcoholism...
Father: Tommy Lee Hendrix. Occupation: None. Medical Info.: Schizophrenia...
Siblings: Sydney Lee Hendrix. Occupation: None. Medical Info.: Clinical Depression, Bipolar Disorder...
Jake Starr Hendrix. Occupation: US Army Drill Sergeant. Medical Info.: None.

I scoffed, my brother really is the only normal one in are whole freaking messed up family. Sure, I love most of them to death, but wow.. Whenever I look at this stupid little info sheet the doctor wrote out when I was checked into the hospital and therapy office, I was always stunned. I also always laughed when I got to Mark's name. He was completely mental... evil.. He should have more than just personality disorder... But, that's all he was ever diagnosed with.

I flipped the sheet over to the back and looked at, seeing the little note Karen wrote on their for me. I wasn't supposed to have this sheet, but Karen gave it to me secretly the day I was finally able to leave the mental part of the hospital just so she could write me a goodbye on the back. The main things she said was; "It's okay not to be okay."

She told me that nearly everyday I saw her, when I would have mental breakdowns or panic attacks because I couldn't remember things or because I did start to remember things, and even because I knew that I wasn't okay and hated it.

"What are you still doin up, girl?" A groggy voice asked, walking into the hallway in front of my bunk. I quickly moved to shove the paper and notebook back under my pillow, but Sammy scolded me. "Lemme see it." He signaled his hand out, demanding. I hesitated, but sighed and gave in, handing him the notebook. He opened it and saw the pictures and papers, a frown deep in his expressions. "I heard you talking to Karen," he said, not going into the topic of the notepad as he looked at it.

"Yeah, sorry if I woke you.." I mumbled, playing with my hands.

Sammy sighed and closed the notebook, looking up at me. "You didn't, Kush and Izz in the back room making the 'bed rock' woke me," he gave a small laughed and I smiled at him, only able to make out the highlights of his face in the dark bus. "You doin alright, Haze?" He asked, now his voice much softer, head moving to find my eyes.

I opened my mouth a few times, but snapped it closed when I couldn't but words and my thoughts together. "I don't know.." Was all I was able to come up with. "I-" I started, but then angrily huffed, not knowing exactly how to express myself to Sammy. "I just fucking miss Austin. And it's only been a weak and we've only been dating for a few months, but I fucking miss him."

"If you like him, or love him, as much as you do, then just go get him. Go find him and tell him the truth."

"I've tried, Sammy!"

"Have you really tried though, Haze?" Sammy quickly said back. "I think you like to tell yourself that you've tried, but when it comes down to it, you're too scared."

I was a little taken aback by the straight forward-ness of Sammy. "I-"

"Haze, just listen, okay?" He cut me off again and I nodded. "I love you to death and I hate seeing you like this. Every time you're in pain, I feel it too. Especially all those years with Mark. But, you're in a good place now. You found Austin.. You found all these amazing people who love you for you and yet you're still afraid! Mark isn't here. Mark is never going to be here again. You need to move on from all the shit that he weighed you down with. You need to get rid of him."

I didn't say anything as Sammy went on, just listened. I know he's right, even if it's hard to admit. I haven't given my full effort into Austin because I'm so scared. I've faced guilt and loss and pain and hurt straight in the face so much that I've become so afraid of it. Like Sammy said, I need to move on from it. From Mark. "What about Ian?" I nearly whispered. Mark's brother had always disliked me, but after what happened with Mark, he basically had a death wish for me.

Sammy swallowed, looking down for a minute. I gave him a confused and scared look, sensing that he was holding something back, but right as I was about to ask, he shook it off. "We haven't seen or heard from him in.. a long, long time. He's moved on, so you need to, too."

Sammy's words helped a lot. Nearly immediately I was gaining confidence in all the internal wounds Austin and Mark had left me. Or that I had given myself..

I slid off of my bunk, landing on my feet with a sot thud right next to Sammy. "Haze it's the middle of the night and you're going to go out there now?" He asked, seeing me grab my jacket.

"If I don't do it know then I might not get the balls to do it later." I stated and then moved to get my shoes. Sammy was just watching and right when I was about to run out of the bus, I ran back to him and gave him a big hug, a kiss on the cheek, and then a "thank you, I love you."

He just chuckled and basically pushed me out the bus door, where I started to take off in a run, the wind blowing my unzipped jacket back. I ignored it and moved my feet faster, desperate to get to Austin and afraid that my confidence would slip away if I didn't hurry. It was a little hard to see where I was going since it was dark out, but as I got closer some street lights nearby were on, lighting up the pavement a little bit.

And when I got to the Of Mice bus, I didn't even feel bad for waking them up when I started pounding on the door. I heard a few yells and it took them a minute, but eventually the cracks of the door lit up with a yellow light that had been turned on. I heard a "what the fuck" as the door opened, but Austin's face fell with confusion and shock when he saw me standing there, in my pajamas. "What the hell are you doing here this late, Hazel?" He had a soft blanket wrapped around him, only in his briefs, and tiredness in his voice.

Man, I missed him. "I came here-uh- I-" I stuttered, forgetting that confidence as soon as I saw Austin giving me an intense stare.

"If you came here to just stand there like an idiot after waking us up, then feel free to leave," he rubbed his face, moving to close the door.

"...I came here to say, FUCK YOU!" I yelled, making Austin and myself freeze in surprise.

"What?" He turned back around, eyes piercing into me. "Fuck me?" He pointed at him self angrily. "You've got to be kidding me right now!"

"Well I'm not!"

"What the fuck have I done, huh? Because I'm not the one that lied about everything!"

"I did not lie about everything!" We were now both raising our voices.

"Should I go ask your fucking husband that?!" His voice was harsh and I hated it, but deserved it.

"You know what Austin, why don't you go ahead and TRY! You'll see that you'll get no where fast with that because you never ONCE gave me a chance to explain! You just fucking left me in the dirt, ignoring me every time I tried to fix things! And I did try so hard because I hate myself for what happened! I'm so sorry for everything, okay!? But never once did I give up on trying and ignore you all week! So fuck you, Austin! That's right, I said it. FUCK YOU!" Angry tears were brimming my eyes as my face heated up and I turned sharp on my heel away from him. I came here to apologize profusely to him, but ended up saying fuck you? I'm such an idiot. I'm the stupid one here, my anger at life getting the best of me.

"Wait!" Austin snapped, running down the bus stairs and grabbing my upper arm, spinning me back around. "What did you expect me to do, Haze?! Stick around and hang onto this relationship when I know nothing about you and then come to find you were married?! It made sense to me that you were still married, and Mike even backed me up completely! And either way I'm not gona let you drag me along like a puppy!"

"I'm not dragging you along like a puppy!" I exclaimed, using my hands.

"Really? Are you sure? Because what I get from this relationship is that you keep me on this leash, not knowing anything about you, but still letting you use me to have fun with! I'm just your fucking puppy!"

"Don't you fucking say that!" I cried out.

"Why not?! Huh? Why?"

"Cause your the best fucking person I've ever met! I'd do anything for you! But my past is a place that I've always been scared to go into! I'm fucked up and I know that, but you need to understand it too! I'm fucked up and there's nothing to do about it! I'm sorry!.. I'm sorry..."

Austin's face softened from anger lightly, especially after seeing the bastard tears that escaped. Fuck. We both took a moment, staring at each other and letting out selves calm down with some deep breaths, giving us time to think. "Don't say that," he said, repeating me softly, taking a step forward. He sighed. "I'm sorry too, Haze. But, you can't just keep me on the outside!"

I nodded fast. I need Austin back.

"We've both got to stop half-assing this relationship, okay?"

I was a little shocked that he forgave me so easily, but it looked as if he had spent a lot of time thinking about this. Maybe he loved me as I did him? Enough to want to try and work things out. I nodded, "okay."

"You're not mad at me?" I asked, voice quiet. He cupped his warm hands lightly on my face. "No," I smiled in relief, as did he. "Are you mad at me?" He now asked.

"No." I didn't hesitate.

"Are you going to make it a normal thing to make me up in the middle of the night?" He teased.

"Hmm. No," I smiled, watching as he leaned his head down to mine, biting my lip. "You're not gona run outside alone in the middle of the night with these shorts all the time, are you?" He smiled and let his hand trail down to my short pj shorts, making me shudder. The protectiveness with the mixture of his hand on my bum was very hot. "No," was all I could think of, Austin's aroma putting me in my trance.

We were both smiling as he leaned down, lips brushing mine, but then halting. "You don't have a husband, right?" He whispered and I tensed. Luckily he was too close to see my smile fading. The moment of truth? I swallowed, "...no," I said truthfully. No that was not right. I was getting nervous, but I tried to shove it down. I can tell Austin this. I'm not going to half-ass this anymore like he said. I'm goin to tell him the truth-

"Good," he whispered. Good? Wait, what?

No.. No no no no.. He thought I said 'no I don't have a husband'. Fuck, I meant 'no you're not right, I do'. "Aus-" I nervously tried to correct myself, but his lips coming down onto mine cut me off. I didn't know what to do, freaking out completely on the inside as he kissed me. It was so passionate that it was hard not to let my mind get lost in it for a moment. And by the time he pulled away, both breathless, I didn't know what to say or even if I wanted to. "You're freezing," he chuckled. "Come on."

He grabbed my hand after I gave him the weakest, most forced smile, and followed him to his bus. I feel like shit. He's happy again now and I just fucking lied. It was on accident of course, but my confidence is now gone again to say anything. I can wait til morning? Or- or i can wait until.. until.. fuck I don't know.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. That's all I can say. Fuck me. Fuck my life. Fuck.

Notes

eh, i'm not the happiest with this story, but I'm still gona try to pull through with it.. Hopefully It's not confusing you!

What's hazel gona do?

I love you and more chapters coming up soon!