One Moment

One week.

That's how long it's been since I've spoken to Austin. Not even once. Not even a text. He's been going out of his way to ignore me completely.

I know it's not that long, especially considering that we've only been together in a total no longer than a few months, but still.

I wake up in fetal position, cold, and empty. It's not an unusual thing, but without Austin there or to even see later, I feel even emptier than usual. I feel really empty. I tried calling him and texting him and even going over to his bus, but he wont talk to me. And I can't say that doesn't hurt so badly each time I'm rejected.

I have to hold myself back from calling him every moment because I feel as if I'm bugging him and embarrassing myself.

I just need to explain. But at the same time I don't know if I can. Every time I come so close to telling anyone, my brain freezes up and I'm left with no words. Nothing... I just need Austin back. I miss him and each moment without him I realize something.

I love him. Not just like how I love Sammy or how I love Alan or how I love my brother, not even how I once loved Mark. My love for him was easy and is big and bright and hard and fast. It's needy and desperate and lonely. It craves his love and it's intoxicating my body. It happened so suddenly, didn't even ask for my permission, but it's just because love is so easy. It just happens. It's the easiest part of the relationship, a natural occurrence to humans. The harder part is getting through all the bullshit.

And I plan to get through this.

I plan to get to Austin and get things back to how they were.

...As soon as my set is over today...

I sighed and shook my head, noticing I was just blankly staring into the mirror for a good five minutes. I started digging through my make up bag on the bathroom counter next to me, pulling out my lipstick. I guess I'm just in the mood for the bright red lips today? And because I want to look a little bit better than my normal barely-any-make-up-on look.. Plus, Austin loves the color red on me.

I remember this one time we went down to a bar/restaurant for dinner after set with our bands and we all dressed up a little nicer. Austin looked beyond dashing in his suit type thing, but I remember how I nearly made him drool when I came in with my red pumps, red lipstick, and red scattered throughout my outfit. We couldn't keep our hands off each other that night and when no one was looking I remember him leaning over to me, whispering seductively in my ear how much he loved me in red.

I shivered just remembering his hot breath on my neck, and smiled at the memory. I'll have to wear my tight red dress I left at home for him one day..

Hopefully.

I saw my smile in the mirror and it was the weakest smile I've even attempted at in a while. It was sad.

I sighed and finished up with my make up and outfit. I'm just dying to get onto set today. I need music and my fans right now. They always make me feel so much better.

"You ready, Haze?" Sammy peeked his head in the door, talking to me more cautiously than normal. He had heard what Austin said to me last night and wasn't buying my 'it's cool. I'm fine' act. He always saw right through me and knew it wasn't fine. Austin was a big deal.

But, I had to convince myself I'm fine and that things will be fine for anyone else to believe me.

"Yeah," I mumbled and then shoved everything back into my make-up bag before grabbing my phone and following after Sammy.

"Hey, you look hot!" Izzy winked at me, giving me a quick hug when I came out. "Trying to impress someone, hm?"

"More like getting someone to notice me," I said into the hug, pulling back after.

"Everything's going to work out," Izzy gave me a sad look when she met my eyes.

"You just got to tell him the truth," Kush added, coming over.

"It's not that easy.." I mumbled.

"I know. I know. But, you just got to do this for Austin if you really like him that much," he patted me on the shoulder. I nodded and watched as Sammy came over, handing me a small card. "Here, I got you this."

I looked down at it and saw it was a business card, but not just any. It was my therapists that lives back in LA. She helped me through a ton, with out her... Wow, I don't even want to know where I'd be right now.. And I even had hesitation on leaving for Warped tour with her back home. But now I have her new number. "Karen? You got her number?" I looked up to him.

"I thought she could help, more than we could on somethings," he gave me a smile. I strode over and gave him a big hug, giving one to Kush and Izzy after, too. "Ugh, I love you guys."

"We know," Kush smirked and I rolled my eyes.

&&&&&&&&

Currently heading towards are set, we walked by the Of Mice and Men one. I slowed my walk, eyes pierced in Austin's direction, greedily watching him perform. He was so amazing. I wanted to run up there and scream at him to listen. To scream that I need him and love him. But, he made me stop dead in my tracks with his next words.

"If any of you have ever felt cheated... Or alone.. Just know that whatever's happened, it's nothing you can't handle. Life always has a way of working itself out.. And maybe, maybe what happened was for the best," he breathed out into the microphone, the crowd roaring as he did. "Maybe it's life's way of giving you a way out... A second chance.." That hurt. I can't lie and say that didn't hurt. I know it's about me... He wanted a way out from our relationship? He got a second chance? That's how he sees it? He thinks I cheated him and he's better off now that he's away from me? "This one's called THE GREAT HENDOWSKI!!!"

I turned my head away, biting my lip to keep it from quivering. I don't know exactly what I'm feeling right now. I can't pin point it through the anger at Austin for not even giving me a fucking chance. At the anger towards myself for being such a fucking idiot. At the sadness and deep pain that radiates through me after seeing Austin's pain and watching him walk away. And at the hatred for Mark.

But I do know; I need to get to my set. Music will make me feel so much better. My fans.. They're my support.. Music is my big warm hug.. Performing is my anchor.

I swallowed any upcoming emotions and started fast walking to set, ignoring the looks given to me by the rest of my bad. I don't need their pity right now. I need music. The only thing I'll truly love.

Notes

yes, very short chapter.

But just wanted a little filler before the next one!!

Will things work out?1:P