How do you explain it?
A loss so big that you can’t believe it yourself.
That you lost something that made you You.
How should I explain that?
How do I tell someone that I lost what’s me?
How do you explain that you lost your hearing?
That it might, or might not, be permanent?

I love to sing, and I love to play the piano.
I love to let my fingers play the guitar.
I can’t do anything of that now.
Because I can’t hear it.
And that was the reason I loved it.
What it sounded like.
What I could make it sound like.
What made me Me.

I wrote down my feelings in my journal. My mom had bought it for me when I lost my hearing. A way for me to write everything that I felt down. Because screaming for hours would never make it better. Crying for hours wouldn’t make it better. No one would understand if I didn’t put it into words. But how do I express myself? I can barely speak with my hands. I can still speak with my mouth but I’m afraid I will talk to loud or to low. I’m starting to be able to read lips. A little. But not enough to understand when people talked to me. And that felt like shit.

- - -

Austin’s POV

I was walking around, just greeting people and a few fans, and enjoying the nice weather. It felt good to be back o the road again. Then I saw her. Mairin. She had her hair up in a messy bun, sunglasses and shorts. She was pretty thin and her thighs barely touched. She had a bikini top on and a very oversized Of Mice and Men tank on. She was struggling with a heavy box and when she put it down I saw that one of the guards “attacked” her. He was shouting, more like growling, at her that she couldn’t put the box there and she just stared at him with fear. Even I could see the panic in her face, even though she had sunglasses on. I walked over and put a hand on the guards shoulder.
"Hey, you don’t have to shout" I said and glanced at her. She swallowed and looked nervous. The guard looked at me, and looked angry.
"I was just telling her that she can’t put the box here" he snapped.
"Well first of all, she’s not putting the box down. She’s taking a break since the box is to heavy for her, and second of all… You’re telling her in the wrong way" I snapped back. He looked at me, a bit curious and still angry.
"And what the fuck are you talking about?" he asked. A few fans looked at me and a few others from the backstage crew.
"Her name is Mairin, she’s from my, the of mice and men, crew and she happens to be deaf, and if you had been nice and let her explain that you would have known" I hissed and then turned towards Mairin. She looked at me and I gave her a smile. I gestured a "are you okay?" and she gestured "I think so, and thank you", which made me smile. She looked a bit surprised when I picked up the box and she tried to take it back but I shook my head. I gestured with my head towards the stage and she followed next to me as I started to walk. She swallowed and walked beside me, and I smiled a little.

- - -

Austin put down the box and then stretched his back a little, and then he looked at me. I was still trembling from before. I had never been so scared. I had seen the anger in that mans eyes and in his face but I hadn’t been able to understand what he wanted. All I had seen was his mouth moving. Feeling his breath against my face and the vibrations of his shouting voice in the air. It had been terrifying not being able to understand a thing, when you knew that he was angry with you. Austin took off my sunglasses and he saw the tears at the corner of my eyes. He rubbed his thumb under my eye and gave me a small smile.
"Let’s go back to the bus" he gestured and I nodded. He put my sunglasses back and we then walked back to the bus.