CAUTION; may be triggering. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Oli’s P.O.V

The last two weeks spent in this crumby Nevada town have been straight from hell. Tom and Matt got out of the hospital 3 days ago, and absolutely refuse to leave each others side, which is understandable, but that wasn’t really was bugging me. Since I started this medicine I’ve been absolutely lethargic, sleeping most the time and laying down when I’m not, Austin has been taking care of me; which really makes me feel bad. I don’t want him to feel like he is responsible for being my caretaker, even though he insists he owes me from when I did the same for him.

Not to mention when the lads had been released Matt pulled us all together and showed us a text message that was sent to Tommy’s phone. The warning was enough to tie knots in all of our stomachs, except Austin who had gotten pissed off, and more so then I had ever seen him. He insists that all of us go to get guns, and then stock the bus full of them too; I pointed out going to a small gun shop that I had seen, but he laughed it off, throwing in “Not those kinds sweetie, I mean the big guns.” To be honest, I was scared; scared for Tom and for Austin even, I didn’t want him to get back into the habit of carrying a weapon, let alone the fact that he may kill again. I don’t even know how he is capable of it, I recall asking him one time how many people he had killed, and he had calmly returned with a “I lost count after 50.” I know Austin would never hurt me or one of the guys, but it made me kind of sick feeling. To imagine Austin covered in the blood of another person, acting like it was normal…because this was anything but. Our lives were not average in any since, but this aspect made it even more real.

Sighing, I stood up from my spot on the couch and walked up to the bunks, I was exhausted; we were finally making our way to LA for one of our shows, and I knew if even if I slept the entire way there that id be exhausted upon arrival. I really hated feeling like this, but if everyone thinks it will work, especially Austin, then I will try it. As I pushed back the curtain to my bunk, I see Austin’s beautiful face peeking out from behind the covers, I couldn’t suppress a giggle, he looked absolutely adorable; and I hated to wake him because I knew he stayed up a lot of the time to watch me and take care of Tom and Matt, that and we haven’t really been cuddling lately…which was my fault, but regardless; I was exhausted.

Poking him lightly, and whispering “Austin…lemme in” over and over again seemed to make him stir, his brown eyes snapping open and his mouth twitched up in a small smile, before he yawned.

“Can I lay down with you?” I murmured, rubbing my arm in a nervous fashion. Austin bit his lip a bit before smiling and scooting over, reaching a hand out to me. I slipped my hoodie off, not bothering to slip off my tank, and kicked my jeans off before taking his hand and sliding into the small bunk with him. He eyed my warily before slipping his arm around me and pulling me closer to him. I slung my arm around his torso and buried my head in the crook of his neck. I had missed this so much, ever since the night where I yelled at him, we hadn’t laid down together. It wasn’t like I was afraid too, I just wanted to give him space; and I didn’t want to be too clingy to him.

“I missed this.” I whispered softly, he squeezed my side slightly and planted a kiss on the top of my head.

“I did too, I just knew you were going through a lot and I didn’t want to bother to ask you,” he chuckled slightly, “but for future reference, I don’t want to go another day with out cuddling, kay?”

I smiled and leaned up to kiss him on the cheek, “ ‘sfine by me.”

I watched him grin, before nuzzling his face into my hair, as he traced patterns into my back. I shivered at his touch, “Austie, it’s been two weeks…and these people seem to be everywhere…I’m scared.” I blurted it out, to be frank, I was terrified; but I had to put on a façade that I wasn’t around the guys, Austin was the only person I felt like I could share my fears with. If I was this scared, I couldn’t imagine how Tom felt.

“I know baby, but don’t worry okay. We will be back in LA Tonight by the latest, I’ve got a guy coming to my place to meet us, he’s bringing everything we could ever need, and I’m going to the bank to get out the 60k…so don-“

I sat up, ignoring the fact that he tried to prevent it, “NO, you are not giving them that much money! This is our problem, not yours!”

He sat up too, anger and hurt flashed in his eyes, "Oli when some one is threatening my friends and you could get hurt it is my problem!” he hissed, grabbing my arm rather harshly, my eyes went wide.

“Enough saying I’m not going to help, because I’m going to whether you want me too or not, and it’s either pay them the money or risk losing you and my friends. I will kill anyone I need to, to insure your safety. I will have the world’s blood on my hands as long as it isn’t yours! You hear me!? Now stop being so fucking selfish!”

I blinked at him, completely dumbfounded, I didn’t know what to say. Was I being selfish for not wanting him to help me? Or….”ME, SELFISH!? Look at yourself Austin! You have killed so many fucking people but the thought of me dying scares you? Give me a break! You have stolen so many lives, lives of people who had families and friends, regardless if they have deserved it or not, you killed them! You cant play the role of ‘god’ Austin! If I die so be it, but I’m not going to let Tom get killed and I will do anything I can to stop it, even if that means losing my own life.”I growled the last part, ripping my arm out of his loosened grasp. His mouth fell open slightly, and he looked like I had literally ripped his heart out of his chest; tears flooded his eyes, and he started to shake. Did I feel bad for saying that? Maybe a little bit, I did take it a lot far, but yet again everything I said was true.

He swung his legs over me and off the bed, quickly standing up and rushing out of the room and down the spiral stairs. I sat there just staring at the door long after he was gone, after awhile I stood up and angrily punched the bed frame. Fuck this, I can’t do this anymore, this is NOT they way I wanted to live, after getting dressed, I stormed out down the stairs, pushing past the guys who shot me a look of questioning, and out the front door. I saw Austin and Tino chatting, while Alan, Phil, and Aaron stood around the front man, in any attempt to comfort him, regret pitted in my stomach. I wanted to say something, but I knew I shouldn’t so I ran, I ran as fast and as far as my legs would take me. I stopped in front of a small grocery store, but I found my legs walking me inside, down the isle that housed the school supplies. My eyes fell on a familiar object, a pencil sharpener. I grabbed it off the rack, moving it around in the palm of my hand, did I really wan-?

Yesofcourseyoudo.

Well that answers that question. I walked to the self checkout and fished the $1.06 out of my pocket, and paid for the small item. As I got outside I slipped it in my jacket pocket as I got closer to the bus. Upon arrival I noted that the gang was gone from outside, and as I stepped on the bus, I noticed that everyone was. A small note hung by the door.
Tried to call you, but you didn’t answer. We all went to Denny’s for breakfast, it’s about 5 mins from here, call us if you want to come.
Love, The Lads

I wouldn’t be calling them though, I grabbed the small note pad off the counter and the black pen, I paraded upstairs, trying to ignore the others bunks as I crawled into mine. I felt tears start to fall, was I really going to do this? I shook my head, it’sbetterifyoudo.theywouldallbesomuchhappierwithoutyou. I bit my lip, opening the pad and scribbling anything that came to mind, 1, 2, 3, 10 notes for the guys, and 1 for everyone else later, and I was done with that. I always hated this part, opening the package and wrestling the blade out of its plastic tomb, after several minutes of struggling it popped out, falling into my lap, I stared down at it. The small shiny blade catching my eyes as I watched it carefully, I slipped my hoodie off, throwing it on the ground. I picked up the small object, rotating it in my fingers before angrily pressing it to my wrist, I gasped. This was something I couldn’t think about doing, I just had to do it. I wanted to be gone, I wanted to disappear, I wanted nothing more than to simply be a memory, and nothing was going to stop me.

“OLOBER!!!!” the shrill noise snapped my thoughts away, as I dropped the small object to the ground, and my eyes went wide. I tried to scamper to pick it up and discard of it and the paper, but I only succeeded in getting blood all over the sheets, and making the paper scatter. Foot steps trotted up the stairs, no no no no this wasn’t happening! I went for my hoodie and slipped it on as fast as I could before standing, my foot on the blade, as the door swung open. Tom stood there, looking at me carefully as the other guys filed upstairs, I felt something drip onto my hand then the floor, their eyes widened as did mine. This was not how I wanted this to turn out. Not in the slightest.

Notes

title cred: Bring me the horizon- Diamonds arent forever.
Of mice and Men- Ohioisonfire

this is kind of short and im sorry! im in a rush cause i have to go the tattoo shop in an hour and gah, sorry!
i love you guys, dont kill me.

please COMMENT/SUBSCRIBE/VOTE
CAUSE THATS THE BEES KNEES YO,
;-;

xoxo
siren