Alligator Blood
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
A/N: This is 2 parts! both are posted :) this part is Tom/Matt P.O.V, next is Oli's. Enjoy!
Tom’s P.O.V
This is all my fault, if I hadn’t had been so naïve in the past, Austin wouldn’t be hurt right now, Oli wouldn’t be feeling the way he does right now. I cant even imagine how he must feel, to go from being on top of the earth, to being on rock bottom in just a few hours.
If I had known everything would play out this way, I would have never come back, I would have offed myself. No matter what any one says, I can never atone for the pain I have caused.
It’s like being frozen in time, hanging onto life by a thread, and watching everyone else around you drop like flies, but your frozen, you cant move, you cant save them.
It’s the most horrifying feeling, why did I come back here? Why am I here? What is the purpose of my existence in the first place? I rocked back and forth on my heels, I couldn’t bear to see Austin’s face or Oli’s for that matter, so I selfishly left, walked as far as I could. I found myself in a clearing, a stone wall towering over a river with crashing waves and jagged rocks, normally a place like this would clear my head; but no. Here I was, contemplating on whether or not I should take my own life, and pondering my existence. Like I said, I am selfish.
All it would take is a simple step, to send my body plummeting to the depths of the water, smashing my skull on a rock if I was lucky. One simple, “accidental” step and it would be over, and I wouldn’t be able to hurt one else, ever again. I thought a lot about this, yes, thoughts of my brother hearing about my demise passed into my head, I knew he would be devastated, but he would quickly recover. Vegan, Jordan, Tino, Aaron, Phil, Alan, Austin, and Lee would be sad, but its not like they ever cared that much. Sure, they helped me when I was in need, but all I did was bring them into a hurricane of pain and anguish. Matt flitted across my mind, his beautiful face in the mornings, his laugh which sent butterflies twirling in my stomach, his kisses which held a whirlwind of emotion. Did I love him? Why yes,yes I did, he was the single most perfect human being that I have been lucky enough to call mine, but he deserved better. He always did, and always will, he would surely be angry if he knew what was about to happen, but like the others, he would mourn, and move on. Find someone who would give him everything he deserved and more, I knew that my thinking was rushed, I know that in all reality, I had a lot to live for, but as I stared down at the water, I began to question its depth, 50 feet? 100? Whatever it really was, the thought of being only 6 feet under was starting to be more tempting.
-*-
Matt’s P.O.V
“Where’s Tommy?” I whined impatiently, the guys in turn shrugged, I couldn’t fight the feeling that something bad was going to happen. I thanked them, before bounding down the hall and out the front entry, wrestling my cell phone from my pocket and clicking on his number, 6 rings, no answer.
I sighed, dialing it again, no answer. Panic began to reside in my stomach, I dialed again, no answer. “Shit.” I cursed, jogging down the path ways of sidewalks, desperately searching for the brown haired boy. When that was proving futile, I dialed again,
“Hey this is Tom, I’m probably ignoring you, but leave a message if you really want too.” I chuckled despite my panic, he could be so rude for such a sweet guy.
“Tom, its Matty. Please call me back, I’m getting really worried…” I ended the call, picking up my pace a bit as I did so, I was now a good mile from the hospital itself, and still no sign of him. I tried calling again,
“Hey this is Tom, I’m probably ignoring you, but leave a message if you really want too.”
“Tom please call me! I’m starting to panic a bit.” I hit end again, running this time, down the narrow concrete walk ways, my eyes constantly searching back in forth for any sign of him, but to no avail.
“Hey this is Tom, I’m probably ignoring you, but leave a message if you really want too.”
“TOM CALL ME!” I pleaded into the receiver, hitting end and trying again.
“Hey this is Tom, I’m probably ignoring you, but leave a message if you really want too.”
“Tommy, please call me…I don’t know what else to do, I’ve been running all over looking for you, I don’t know what to do…Tom, please call me. I need to know where you are and that your okay, please baby…I love you.” I hung up quickly, slightly shocked I had let those words spill out so carelessly, he hadn’t once said it to me, and here I was dumping it on him because I was ever so slightly, freaking out. Did I love him? Of course I did! I was just scared to admit to him, in fear he wouldn’t feel the same, 1,2, 3, 8 calls later, 8 panicked voice-mails later,
“I’m Sorry, but this persons inbox is full, please try again later.”
CLICK-
“Tom!” I screamed out, earning awkward side glances from the cities ever so bustling patrons, maybe he went back to the house?
I rushed there as fast as my legs could take me, 15 minutes, too long. I walked to the front door, trying to jiggle it open, but it was locked, all the locks were locked, “Dammit!” I cried out, rushing to the back, trying all the doors, but the house was dark, the doors were locked, and no one was home.
“UGH!” I grunted, kicking the door harshly, sending a shooting pain into my leg, I hissed, trying to call him again, he actually answered;
“Matt…just stop.” was the first thing he said, his voice was tired and strained, it sounded like he had swallowed a match.
“Tommy, where are you?” I begged, feeling tears prick my eyes, something was very very wrong.
“No…Matt…I…I can’t….”his voice trailed off to a hoarse whisper, I wasn’t able to make it out clearly.
“You can’t what, love?” I questioned, a mangled cry was his response.
“Tommy please tell me where you are!” I pleaded, he sighed.
“I’m coming to find you! I will find you Tommy, so just tell me-“
“No you wont…” he stretched the last word out, sending chills down my spine,
“Tommy you listen to me! Don’t do this! You can-“
“Good bye,” was his curt reply, before the line went dead.
“DAMMIT TOM!” I roared, punching the wall in front of me, pain resounding in my body once again, where could he be? where is somewhere he could go to escape reality? I had a strange feeling Oli would know, I dialed his number hastily, after 2 rings he answered;
“Hey, Austin’s getting a CAT scan, where are you and Tom?” he answered, he sounded exhausted, I felt a ping of guilt for my best friend.
“Oli, is there anywhere around the house that’s really secluded?” I asked in a hurry,
“Uhm…yeah? There’s an abandoned park, with a river and stuff, why?” he was clearly confused, I could almost picture him, lips pursed, head tilted slightly, playing with his hair,
“Where!? Tell me where!” I demanded,
“Where are you? Where’s Tom?” he asked again,
“I’m at the house, tell me how to get to the park now, ill explain later.”
“is everything alright, Matteh?” he questioned, I cried out, even though I was trying my best not too.
“No, its Tom. Tell me how to get there!” I pleaded again, I heard him curse under his breathe,
“Alright listen up, your going to want too…”
I ran where he told me, faster then I knew I could even move, eventually I came face to face with my destination.
“There’s a small trail, take it all the way back, the road will split into two paths, take the over grown one, you’ll get to the river. “
“Thanks Oli!” I said, my breathing was rapid, but I pushed myself onwards, running again.
“Call me when you find him…” was his worried reply, I muttered a “will do.” Before clicking end, and sprinting down the path, when the road split, I did as told, taking the over grown one, over the beaten down one, after what felt like forever, I came to a clearing.
“TOM!” I called, no response, I tried again, frantically running to the stone wall, peering off the edge, he didn’t…he wouldn’t…”Tommy please!”I hollered, sobbing as I watched the water crash over the rocks, bubbling up white as it foamed around the wall.
“Matt?”
I whipped my head around, and felt my heart speed up, Tom stood about 15 feet behind me, looking tired and worn down, he wore an adamant frown on his face, his hair was sticking up at odd angles, and his clothes had leaves on them, probably from where he had been sitting. He held a ruck-sack, that was open, rocks poking out from the brim of it. I jumped up, running over to him, tossing the bag out of his hands, and literally, tackling him to the ground, he grunted as we hit the earth, I brought him as close as I could, burying my face in his chest.
“Matt…why did you come?” he asked faintly, I cried harder into his chest.
“What were you thinking? I know what you were going to do! The goodbyes, ignoring my calls, the rocks, Tom I’m not stupid! Why would you ever leave Oli behind? The lads in Bring me, the guys in Of Mice, what on earth would I do if you left me?” I gasped for air, my body was trembling as relief began to wash over me, he was alive, thank god.
“I just want this all to be over…that’s all.” He whispered, and I instantly knew what he meant, the running, the pain, the constant worry and struggle, the fear of losing the ones we loved. Dying was looking so much simpler, it was a promised paradise when everyday you lived, was a struggle for you, a fight to not thrive, but just to make it to tomorrow.I smiled sadly up at him, brushing the stray tears from his eyes. Before admitting something that I didn’t even want to admit to myself,
“I know Tom, me too. Me too…”
Tom’s P.O.V
This is all my fault, if I hadn’t had been so naïve in the past, Austin wouldn’t be hurt right now, Oli wouldn’t be feeling the way he does right now. I cant even imagine how he must feel, to go from being on top of the earth, to being on rock bottom in just a few hours.
If I had known everything would play out this way, I would have never come back, I would have offed myself. No matter what any one says, I can never atone for the pain I have caused.
It’s like being frozen in time, hanging onto life by a thread, and watching everyone else around you drop like flies, but your frozen, you cant move, you cant save them.
It’s the most horrifying feeling, why did I come back here? Why am I here? What is the purpose of my existence in the first place? I rocked back and forth on my heels, I couldn’t bear to see Austin’s face or Oli’s for that matter, so I selfishly left, walked as far as I could. I found myself in a clearing, a stone wall towering over a river with crashing waves and jagged rocks, normally a place like this would clear my head; but no. Here I was, contemplating on whether or not I should take my own life, and pondering my existence. Like I said, I am selfish.
All it would take is a simple step, to send my body plummeting to the depths of the water, smashing my skull on a rock if I was lucky. One simple, “accidental” step and it would be over, and I wouldn’t be able to hurt one else, ever again. I thought a lot about this, yes, thoughts of my brother hearing about my demise passed into my head, I knew he would be devastated, but he would quickly recover. Vegan, Jordan, Tino, Aaron, Phil, Alan, Austin, and Lee would be sad, but its not like they ever cared that much. Sure, they helped me when I was in need, but all I did was bring them into a hurricane of pain and anguish. Matt flitted across my mind, his beautiful face in the mornings, his laugh which sent butterflies twirling in my stomach, his kisses which held a whirlwind of emotion. Did I love him? Why yes,yes I did, he was the single most perfect human being that I have been lucky enough to call mine, but he deserved better. He always did, and always will, he would surely be angry if he knew what was about to happen, but like the others, he would mourn, and move on. Find someone who would give him everything he deserved and more, I knew that my thinking was rushed, I know that in all reality, I had a lot to live for, but as I stared down at the water, I began to question its depth, 50 feet? 100? Whatever it really was, the thought of being only 6 feet under was starting to be more tempting.
-*-
Matt’s P.O.V
“Where’s Tommy?” I whined impatiently, the guys in turn shrugged, I couldn’t fight the feeling that something bad was going to happen. I thanked them, before bounding down the hall and out the front entry, wrestling my cell phone from my pocket and clicking on his number, 6 rings, no answer.
I sighed, dialing it again, no answer. Panic began to reside in my stomach, I dialed again, no answer. “Shit.” I cursed, jogging down the path ways of sidewalks, desperately searching for the brown haired boy. When that was proving futile, I dialed again,
“Hey this is Tom, I’m probably ignoring you, but leave a message if you really want too.” I chuckled despite my panic, he could be so rude for such a sweet guy.
“Tom, its Matty. Please call me back, I’m getting really worried…” I ended the call, picking up my pace a bit as I did so, I was now a good mile from the hospital itself, and still no sign of him. I tried calling again,
“Hey this is Tom, I’m probably ignoring you, but leave a message if you really want too.”
“Tom please call me! I’m starting to panic a bit.” I hit end again, running this time, down the narrow concrete walk ways, my eyes constantly searching back in forth for any sign of him, but to no avail.
“Hey this is Tom, I’m probably ignoring you, but leave a message if you really want too.”
“TOM CALL ME!” I pleaded into the receiver, hitting end and trying again.
“Hey this is Tom, I’m probably ignoring you, but leave a message if you really want too.”
“Tommy, please call me…I don’t know what else to do, I’ve been running all over looking for you, I don’t know what to do…Tom, please call me. I need to know where you are and that your okay, please baby…I love you.” I hung up quickly, slightly shocked I had let those words spill out so carelessly, he hadn’t once said it to me, and here I was dumping it on him because I was ever so slightly, freaking out. Did I love him? Of course I did! I was just scared to admit to him, in fear he wouldn’t feel the same, 1,2, 3, 8 calls later, 8 panicked voice-mails later,
“I’m Sorry, but this persons inbox is full, please try again later.”
CLICK-
“Tom!” I screamed out, earning awkward side glances from the cities ever so bustling patrons, maybe he went back to the house?
I rushed there as fast as my legs could take me, 15 minutes, too long. I walked to the front door, trying to jiggle it open, but it was locked, all the locks were locked, “Dammit!” I cried out, rushing to the back, trying all the doors, but the house was dark, the doors were locked, and no one was home.
“UGH!” I grunted, kicking the door harshly, sending a shooting pain into my leg, I hissed, trying to call him again, he actually answered;
“Matt…just stop.” was the first thing he said, his voice was tired and strained, it sounded like he had swallowed a match.
“Tommy, where are you?” I begged, feeling tears prick my eyes, something was very very wrong.
“No…Matt…I…I can’t….”his voice trailed off to a hoarse whisper, I wasn’t able to make it out clearly.
“You can’t what, love?” I questioned, a mangled cry was his response.
“Tommy please tell me where you are!” I pleaded, he sighed.
“I’m coming to find you! I will find you Tommy, so just tell me-“
“No you wont…” he stretched the last word out, sending chills down my spine,
“Tommy you listen to me! Don’t do this! You can-“
“Good bye,” was his curt reply, before the line went dead.
“DAMMIT TOM!” I roared, punching the wall in front of me, pain resounding in my body once again, where could he be? where is somewhere he could go to escape reality? I had a strange feeling Oli would know, I dialed his number hastily, after 2 rings he answered;
“Hey, Austin’s getting a CAT scan, where are you and Tom?” he answered, he sounded exhausted, I felt a ping of guilt for my best friend.
“Oli, is there anywhere around the house that’s really secluded?” I asked in a hurry,
“Uhm…yeah? There’s an abandoned park, with a river and stuff, why?” he was clearly confused, I could almost picture him, lips pursed, head tilted slightly, playing with his hair,
“Where!? Tell me where!” I demanded,
“Where are you? Where’s Tom?” he asked again,
“I’m at the house, tell me how to get to the park now, ill explain later.”
“is everything alright, Matteh?” he questioned, I cried out, even though I was trying my best not too.
“No, its Tom. Tell me how to get there!” I pleaded again, I heard him curse under his breathe,
“Alright listen up, your going to want too…”
I ran where he told me, faster then I knew I could even move, eventually I came face to face with my destination.
“There’s a small trail, take it all the way back, the road will split into two paths, take the over grown one, you’ll get to the river. “
“Thanks Oli!” I said, my breathing was rapid, but I pushed myself onwards, running again.
“Call me when you find him…” was his worried reply, I muttered a “will do.” Before clicking end, and sprinting down the path, when the road split, I did as told, taking the over grown one, over the beaten down one, after what felt like forever, I came to a clearing.
“TOM!” I called, no response, I tried again, frantically running to the stone wall, peering off the edge, he didn’t…he wouldn’t…”Tommy please!”I hollered, sobbing as I watched the water crash over the rocks, bubbling up white as it foamed around the wall.
“Matt?”
I whipped my head around, and felt my heart speed up, Tom stood about 15 feet behind me, looking tired and worn down, he wore an adamant frown on his face, his hair was sticking up at odd angles, and his clothes had leaves on them, probably from where he had been sitting. He held a ruck-sack, that was open, rocks poking out from the brim of it. I jumped up, running over to him, tossing the bag out of his hands, and literally, tackling him to the ground, he grunted as we hit the earth, I brought him as close as I could, burying my face in his chest.
“Matt…why did you come?” he asked faintly, I cried harder into his chest.
“What were you thinking? I know what you were going to do! The goodbyes, ignoring my calls, the rocks, Tom I’m not stupid! Why would you ever leave Oli behind? The lads in Bring me, the guys in Of Mice, what on earth would I do if you left me?” I gasped for air, my body was trembling as relief began to wash over me, he was alive, thank god.
“I just want this all to be over…that’s all.” He whispered, and I instantly knew what he meant, the running, the pain, the constant worry and struggle, the fear of losing the ones we loved. Dying was looking so much simpler, it was a promised paradise when everyday you lived, was a struggle for you, a fight to not thrive, but just to make it to tomorrow.I smiled sadly up at him, brushing the stray tears from his eyes. Before admitting something that I didn’t even want to admit to myself,
“I know Tom, me too. Me too…”
Notes
remember this is part one of two, :DPLEASE COMMENT/SUB/VOTE
xoxo
siren
@Ogsquidgy
@PurifiedMonster
@mjtheneon
New Story is up! Well the first Chapter...It's titled as "The Fallout" ! Check it out if you'd like C:
12/11/13