My eyes snapped open as the footsteps thundered closer. I dragged myself off the ground, willing myself to stand on my feet. Austin couldn’t see me like this. Not again.

“Don’t get up bitch!”

And I was shoved to the ground again.

“I said don’t fucking touch her!”

I picked my head up just in time to see Austin pushing my mysterious lover of the night against the pickup truck.

“What the fuck are you going to do about it, pussy?” The guy sneered.

I was able to roll my body over and lean back on my elbows, scurrying away from what was sure to be a brawl. The guy had to have been eight inches shorter than Austin and I couldn’t believe he was actually going to take him on. Austin was way more sober than that man.

Austin let out a laugh before quickly drawing his fist back and clocking the guy right in the face.

“Let’s go, Raegan.” Austin said leaning down and helping me up. I couldn’t take my eyes off the other guy, hoping he didn’t get back up and continue the fight.

“Don’t touch me.” I said shoving Austin away as I stood.

The other guy got up, wiping the blood from his now broken nose. “Have fun with that fucking slut!”
He climbed into his truck and sped away.

I could see the bus we had arrived at the party on loading up to take all the bands back to the hotels. I could make out Alan’s form watching us from the curb. Austin tried to grab my hand and pull me faster towards the bus.

“Don’t touch me.” I said again yanking my hand away from his and folding my arms across my chest.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Austin asked spinning me to face him; I could see the anger coursing through his body.

“I don’t need you to keep rescuing me.” I spat.

“Oh, really Raegan? What were you going to do back there? Let yourself get fucking raped? It didn’t look like you were handling that situation too good from the ground.”

“Oh like you care anyway.” I said wiping the blood from my lip and turning for the bus.

He let out a laugh that was similar to the one he had let out before he punched what’s his nuts. “You really think I don’t care about you Raegan?”

I stopped and turned back to face him. Alex and Jack were standing near Alan watching the fight now. And I could make out a few other forms stopping and staring at the scene we were causing.

“You’ve barely given me the time of day since we’ve been here, Austin.”

“I wouldn’t be chasing after you in creepy dark parking lots in the middle of Brisbane fucking Australia if I didn’t care about you Raegan!”

He was screaming now. Alan was approaching us slowly followed closely by Alex. Tears started welling up in my eyes.

“I mean honestly how can you think I don’t care about you?! Have drugs fucked you up in the head that much or have you always been this fucking stupid!”

It was as though he had stabbed me in the chest and ripped out my heart. I heard Alan’s footsteps stop behind me. As I started backing away from Austin, tears now causing my makeup to stain my face.

“Rae…” Austin said realizing what he had said, what he had done; everything about him softened in an instant. “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine Austin. I get it. I’m just fucked up in the head.”

“Rae. I didn’t mean that.”

“Then why the fuck would you say it?” I asked shaking my head. I turned on my heel, shaking with anger and made my way towards the bus.

“Rae!” I heard him call behind me. “Raegan!”

But I didn’t stop.

“Why the fuck did I say that?”

“Dude, just let her go.” I heard Alan saying and I knew he must have finally made his way over to Austin.

“Raegan!”

“Dude, Austin, man. Just let her go.”

I didn’t stop. I didn’t turn around. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone who was standing on the curb even though I all knew they were exchanging worried glances. I climbed on the bus, found an empty seat, and collapsed my exhausted body into it.

Someone sat next to me and I didn’t have to look to know it was Alex. I could tell simply by his presence, his scent, the feel of his hand on my knee.

“I want to go home.” I said staring at the little crack between the seat in front of me and the window to my right.

“Rae, it’s okay. It was just a stupid fight.” He said just loudly enough for me to hear.

“A stupid fight?” I said a little louder picking my head up to look at him. I couldn’t believe he wasn’t taking this as seriously as it should have been.

“It’s going to be okay.” He said trying to reassure me. “You don’t need to fly all the way home.”

Scoffing and rolling my eyes, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and a pair of headphones. I placed them in my ears and suddenly remembered If it Means a Lot to You. I quickly pulled it up on YouTube and found myself in tears after the first verse.

It’s funny how music can do that. Speak your mind so easily when you can’t find the words. I couldn’t get over how well I related to the female part of the song. And the fact that Austin had begged me to wait until he was home from tour to sort out our issues, it was almost too much for me to handle.

Call time was early the next day. We all had to be at the venue pretty ahead of schedule.

“Where’s your shirt?” I asked Alan looking him up and down as I met up with him outside the dressing rooms.

“Right here!” He said showing me it was draped in his other hand. “Are you okay?”

His voice had dropped to a lower decibel when he asked, his voice full of concern.

“Yeah.” I said nodding slowly, making out the back of Austin’s head ahead of the line towering over everyone. “I will be.”

“Sit with me on the plane later?” He said with an enticing smile.

“Yes…” I giggled. “How’s Maddie?”

“She’s good.” He sighed. There had been a huge fight between the two of them a few weeks back when the guys were in Tokyo. Alan hadn’t gone into detail but he had told me he had broken a promise to her and they almost split up because of it.

“You guys okay?” I asked.

“Yeah.” He nodded. “I just miss her…and Sophie too.”

I tried to stay away from Of Mice as much as possible. I really didn’t want to see Austin face to face. But I did go and stand side stage for their performance. I couldn’t help but be proud of them as a band and as my friends. The crowd they had attracted was incredible.

Austin seemed angrier the entire set and I noticed that he had seen me standing there watching multiple times. And about half way through he did something he never does, he changed the set.

“This one’s called Repeating Apologies!” He cried into the mic confusing not only me but his entire band. I knew what he was doing before he even glanced at me as the band caught on and started to play the correct song. I caught on around the time Alan turned around trying to figure out what the hell Austin kept staring at; which was me. I gave Alan a little wave and he responded with a roll of his eyes. We both knew what this was. This was Austin’s public apology to me for the way he had acted.

The next time Austin gave me a furtive glance, I made sure he saw me turn on my heel mid song and walk away from his apology and our relationship.

At the time I thought this would be the first step toward moving on from Austin. But I should have known that would never happen. Austin and I would never be over no matter how hard either one of us tried.