It felt like the elevator was never going to reach the lobby as I stood tapping my foot watching the little digital numbers slowly decent. I couldn’t keep the smile off my face, for the first time in what felt like ten years, as I thought of what awaited me. The little bell finally went off like a kitchen timer and the doors peeled themselves apart. I was already at a full sprint towards the front desk seeing the familiar dark brown (with that stupid patch of blonde) spiky hair just over the half wall that separated the desk area from the actual hallway.

I knocked Jack to the ground before he even knew what hit him and soon felt Alex jumping on top of me screaming my name as Jack screamed profanities and “Rape!”

“You have no idea how glad I am to see you two!” I said helping Jack up and pulling both of them in for individual hugs.

“I haven’t seen you this happy since you first got with Austin!” Jack said smiling and I felt my own smile drop from my face faster than a rocket ship breaking through earth’s atmosphere.

“Dude…” Alex mumbled behind me as I looked to the ground and swallowed hard.

“It’s okay.” I said trying to find my smile again and willing the lump in my throat to go away.

“Rae, I’m sorry…” Jack said, his eyes filled with regret.

“No! It’s okay! Really!” I said trying to sound as excited as I had been moments before. “I’m just glad you guys are here!”

“Where’s Alan and everyone?” Alex asked as he and Jack placed their bags down in their room and checked out the place.

“They went to some zoo.” I responded pulling out my phone and scrolling through my Twitter feed.

“Dude! Come check out the view!” Jack called from the balcony causing Alex to run out to see. I
giggled watching the two of them point things out to each other and joke around.

I continued scrolling through my Twitter feed and a tweet from Austin caught my eye:

“@austincarlile: I swear Ill never be happy again & dont u dare say we can just be friends. Im not some boy that u can sway we knew thisd happen eventually”

I couldn’t help but read into it. How could I not? Who else would it have been about except for me?
He had put music note emojis on either side of it and I knew they were lyrics. I quickly pasted them into Google and found it was indeed a song.

“If It Means a Lot to You…” I mumbled reading that it was by A Day to Remember and realizing that album art was something I had seen playing on Austin’s phone in the last 24 hours a surprising amount. (I’d never have admitted it, but I kept glancing at his phone screen whenever I was close enough to, hoping to get some glimpse at what was going on with him.)

Jack and Alex made their way back inside the room and I made a mental note to check the song out later when I had a moment to myself.

“You’re coming to the Metallica party, right Rae?” Alex asked as he yanked his shirt off.

I nodded feeling my phone vibrate in my hand. I glanced down to see I had a new text from Alan.

“I’m going to shower.” Alex declared heading for the bathroom.

“I’ll be in in a minute…” Jack said non-chalantly checking his emails on his laptop.

“I’ll see you guys tonight.” I said with a giggle making my way out of the room.

I slid my finger to read Alan’s text, “backkkkk” with a bunch of smiling cat emojis.

I made my way down to what was I guess our room and found him on the balcony, guitar in hand.

“How was the zoo?” I asked coming out and taking a seat on the ground opposite him.

“It was so awesome! I held a koala bear and we hung out with some kangaroos and shit!” He said excitedly. “Wish you had come.”

“I’m sorry, I wanted to see Jack and Alex.” I explained watching as he easily played out the melody that was swimming in his head.

“Are they here?” He asked without looking up from his finger placements, making sure he was hitting everything perfectly.

“Yeah, they want me to go to that Metallica thing tonight with everyone.”

“Are you!” He looked at me excitedly.

“I guess…” I said with a shrug.

There was a knock on the door and he handed me his guitar so he could answer it. I began attempting to put some chords to some lyrics I had thought of the night before.

“Mind if I get some shots of you?” I heard Adam asking as he followed Alan back out onto the balcony, camera in hand.

“Not at all!” Alan said excitedly.

As they took their shots I chipped away at the song I was forming in my mind. Soon I knew I had the chorus figured out and I began to play it and sing a little.

“Losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark gre-“


“Rae, what is that?” Alan interrupted not only me, but Adam as well.

“Something I’m working on…” I said looking up at him and Adam looking at me.

“Play it again.”

“Losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red, yeah, yeah red…”


“Hey, Alan…”

Austin’s voice made me choke up on the last syllable and I wondered how much of the song he had heard.

Alan turned from me to Austin who was standing on the next balcony over.

“Are you going tonight?”

“Yeah, dude.”

“Okay, I was just debating on what to do.”

“Austin, look at me for a second.” Adam asked and a moment later I heard his camera shutter.
“Thanks…”

“You have to come, man.” Alan said. “I’m not taking no for an answer! Rae, keep playing that song.”

“No, that’s okay.” I said standing up and handing him the guitar. Austin was watching me and for a moment we made eye contact before I broke it.

“Are you writing something, Rae?”

I had turned to go back inside the hotel room but I stopped in my tracks. My body had gone numb. He had addressed me and asked me something. Slowly my body allowed me to pirouette and I met his eyes again.

“Yeah.” I said and it came out way louder than it should have. I almost cringed at myself.

He nodded, licked his lips, and turned back to his room promising he’d see us later.

“What. The. Fuck.” I mumbled as I walked back inside the room and collapsed on the bed.

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic. It wasn’t that bad!” Alan said crossing his arms over his chest.

No one should have let me consume alcohol that night. Absolutely no one. But everyone was and no one had their eyes on me…besides Alan who kept challenging me to games of ping pong. He won every time. I was no match for him, especially after I continued to drink.

Half way through the night I set my eyes on a heavily tattooed man at the bar. He was becoming more and more appealing as I became more and more intoxicated and before I knew it we were making out. Right there at the bar. In front of everyone.

Alan roughly grabbed my shoulder and pulled me away from the man at one point. I may not have known his name but I did know I liked the way his blonde hair felt when I ran my fingers through it.

“What the fuck are you doing, Raegan?” Alan asked, his voice was a low grumble.

“What are you talking about?” I slurred.

“Who is that?”

I shrugged adding in some giggles for good measure.

“Go over there and sit down with Tino.” He said pointing to a table not far away. Tino was sitting with Kellin and Matty Mullins. But Austin sat down with them right at that moment.

“No!” I said with a scowl, pushing Alan away. “Don’t worry about me! Just get me when it’s time to
go!”

I turned on my heel and headed back to my blonde hottie as Alan gave me a roll of his eye.

Revelations are a funny thing really. At this point in my life I had probably had thousands of them, big and small. Looking back on this one in particular, I probably should have had this particular revelation hours before I actually did. It had been staring me in the face all night; kissing my neck and caressing my body. But it didn’t hit me then. It didn’t hit me when Alan told me to go sit with Tino. It didn’t hit me when I had become too intoxicated to function. It didn’t hit me as I staggered out to the parking lot, using a heavily tattooed arm as a crutch. It didn’t hit me as I was pressed up against a dark blue pickup truck, hands feeling every inch of my body against my will. It didn’t hit me as I tried desperately to get away but failing miserably. And it certainly didn’t hit me as I felt blood pool into my mouth from the first blow to my face. No, it hit me quite literally as my body slammed against the pavement and tears started pouring from my ducts. I had once again put myself in a bad situation. And for what? Attention and inebriation?

“Hey! Don’t fucking touch her!”