My Understandings

“What happened?” Miley is lying on the couch with an ice-pack to her face, Kellin is on the counter. An ice pack to his jaw. Alex, Ronnie, and Oliver are in the same condition. I hear a barf, toilet flush and Jack from ATL comes out.
“We, got into a little fight.” Ronnie whispers. I raise my eyebrow and he shrugs. Ryan comes out the bunk with a black eye and Max follows with a heating pack.
“So why is everyone in here?” I ask.
“Well, it was the closest bus.” Kellin says.
“What happened?” I sit on Ronnie's lap.
“Okay, well it started right after you left……..”
~Miley~
“Thank you.” I take the pot from the girl and sign her phone case. It was the last fan and time to pack up. A pair of hands cover my eyes.
“Guess who?” a British accent speaks.
“Oli.” He curses under his breath and moves back. I smile and grab a box that belongs to Jesse. “Be back.” I walk over to Kellin and set the box down.
“It’s Jesse.” I trip over the box and land on Kellin who falls backwards. I’m on top of him and I hear Oliver gasp.
“Kellin?” he runs over there and punches him in the jaw. Kellin holds it for a moment before tackling Oliver to the ground. I stand there for a moment confuse when I decided to jump in. I ended up getting punch in the nose by Kellin. Alex and Jack came over and start pulling them apart. Ryan comes and tells Oliver to calm down.
“Hey that’s my band member.” Ryan yells.
“He was trying to kiss my girlfriend.”
“It was an accident. Dipshit.” He breaks loose and tackles him again. Alex and Ryan ended up getting punched trying to break them apart. Ronnie comes over and pulls them apart. Getting scratches to the face, neck, and arms. Kellin is swinging his arms when he hits Jack in the stomach, who fell to the ground in response. Alex gets mad and hits Oliver again. This one sent him to the ground. Oliver grabs his legs and pulls him down. Alex topples on Jack. Making an oof sound. I jump in to push Alex away, but Alex just hits me in the face again. I end up tackling Alex and roll on the ground. It’s a mixture of dirt, ass, dirt, ass, dirt, balls, and ass. Ronnie runs and body slams into Kellin. Kellin repeatedly hit him in the face and Ronnie falls off. Ryan climbs over and jumps on Kellin to drag him away, but Kellin just hits him in the stomach. Soon everyone is hitting each other out of frustration or anger. Managers and merch people pull everyone apart and send them in our bus.
“…….and that’s why our bus is a hospital.” She finishes. Everyone is either smiling or crying. I just shake my head.
“Now! If you aren’t a member of our bus, get out and go to your own bus!” I yell. There are some groans and complaints, but everyone leaves. I step outside the bus and watch the people return to their rightful bus. I hear a whistle.
“Someone is smoking and sassy.”
“Can it ginger.” I snap. Two arms snake around my waist. I swat away his arms and walk away. I was feeling so hungry. My stomach was battling with itself. I walk on the bus. The pain in my stomach was just making the situation worse. It’s been three days without eating. I just downed bottles of diet green tea or diet soda or smoked to keep my appetite down. That was only a temporary fix. In the end I end up caving and binging on whatever I could find.There was a convenience store down in the parking lot of the venue. They were sure to have something to fill the void in my chest.That’s what’d gotten me into trouble when I was younger. After a full day of being teased at school I’d go home and eat. I’d eat and eat and eat until I felt sick. Cookies, cakes, chips, fast food, soda, ice cream, anything I could get my hands on really.

There was a half asleep man sitting at the counter. I didn’t pay him much attention as I went over to the snack section. I picked up a bag of potato chips, a thing of little Debbie doughnuts, three candy bars and a half pint of vanilla ice cream. Too bad they didn’t have peanut butter here. Of course I always regretted that. I paid for my haul before trekking back to the bus and into the bunks. I shut the door and locked it not expecting Miley back any time soon and threw the stuff on the bed. I clicked on the movie on my computer and laid back. Within a minute I’d already down the doughnuts and one of the candy bars. After another I’d polished off the chips and remaining candy. All that was left was the ice cream. It wasn’t that I liked vanilla ice cream, I’d much rather have a different flavor, it was that this was the best. I’d learned a while ago that if you ate vanilla ice cream before a purge it would hurt less. The ice cream neutralized everything a bit and it was cold, hurting my throat less. The only down side was the brain freeze I’d get from downing it so fast. I had it down in less than five minutes though. Now my stomach hurt even more than it had before.

I almost gagged on my way to the bathroom. I turned on the water and locked the door behind me before lifting the toilet lid and seat up.I knelt down beside it and bit my lip. I hated this part and I knew how damaging it could be for my voice. I tied my hair back with a band from my wrist before leaning over the toilet. I took my pointer finger and middle finger of my right hand and slowly slid them down my throat. I felt myself cough but pressed further.I hit my gag reflex and could feel what I’d eaten rising in my throat. I had to quickly pull my hand away before the contents of my stomach emptied into the toilet. Tears welled in my eyes as my throat burned. Why did I do this to myself? What fuck person shoves their fingers down their throat?!

I did.

I repeated the wretched process two more times before I was sure that my stomach was once again empty. My head was throbbing and my knees were weak as I stood up, flushing. My face was pale and sweaty and my hands were shaking. I pulled my tooth brush and mouthwash out of my bag before brushing, my teeth and rinsing my mouth out. I reached back into my bag and held my nose closed as I sprayed air freshener around the small bathroom. If anyone, and especially Miley found out about this I’d die. I’d done it just in time. The door clicked and opened as Ryan walked in the bathroom.

“Oh, hey.” He closed the door behind us and sat next to me. usually, if either one of us were feeling down or needy, we would hook up. In the two years since Austin and I broke up, we hooked four times. I think tonight might make number five. “What’s wrong?” I shook my head. I didn’t want anyone to know, let alone him. “You okay kid?" He asked noticing that I wasn’t looking so good.
"Yeah, I just have a stomach ache I’m fine." I insisted. My voice was hoarse though from the vomiting. Ryan picked up on it.
"You don’t sound good either."
"Really Ry. I’m fine, I’m just a little sick okay?"
"Do you need anything? Ginger-ale or something?" I shook my head.Ryan shrugged before leaving. If Ryan did suspect anything he didn’t mention it. I wasn’t sure if that made me happy or not
-That night-
I turned over for what seems like the hundredth time in the past hour. I could not sleep. I don’t know why. Usually on tours, I’m dead out. But now it seems as if my sleep has been kidnapped, forcing me awake. TV. Maybe I’ll watch some to pass the time. I jumped from my bunk as lightly as ever, not wanting to wake Miley. I snuck pass the guys and made it to the lounge. I flopped on the couch and turned MTV. The only thing that was on was Jackass. Oh well, it was two in the morning. About half way through the movie, and halfway through a bottle of Jack Daniels, I hear a thump. Our manager is asleep, the rest of the guys are asleep and the merch girl is up front. Who the hell is on this bus?! A figure began to emerge from the bunks and I prepared myself to beat his ass with a guitar, which was in the bunks. Damn it. The figure stepped into the light and my worry eased. It was only Ryan. A drunk Ryan. He took a seat next to me and crossed his legs.
“Thought I heard something.” I laughed.
“You always do.” Ryan came out the bunks wearing only boxers. It kinda reminds me of Austin. How he can never wear the same boxers twice and how Ryan always keeps a condom in his pockets because as he puts it; “You can never be too prepared.”
“What are you doing up?” this kinda makes me wish I would’ve put on some pants. Instead, I sit on the couch in underwear and a tank top.
“Couldn’t sleep.” He checks his phone and sighs.
“She won’t answer.” He slurs. Ryan has a girlfriend back home. Her name is Annah and to me she’s the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet. She treats us well, but fuck with Ryan or one of her friends; she’ll beat the mess out of you. “I miss her touch.” He groans and throws his head back.
“Tell me about it. Especially with my brother around.” He tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear.
No, no. Don’t do that. I think to myself. But I'm too drunk to do anything.
“Yea. Things have been stressful lately.” I turn to ask him what does he mean when our noses meet. Before I can make of what’s happening my hand is running through his hair.
“We could just do it, satisfy our needs and as usual, keep it a secret.” He says, the alcohol reeking in my nose.
“But, it was different then. We were single. Now we have a partner and if we do it, then we’re cheating.” But I really wanted to. It’s been so long. I just wanted to do it, enjoy it, and get it over with. Could I? My sober heart said no, but my drunk mind said yes. I went with my mind. I connected my lips with his. He was surprised at first, his eyes widen at my sudden burst of action. But soon, he was kissing back. He leaned forward so he was on top of me. his lips moved down my neck until he heard me moaned. He found my sweet spot. He began to suck at it, I kept moving my legs to keep me from losing it. He lifted my shirt up and tossed it across the room. He picked me up and walked to the bunks.
“Who’s bunk, mines or yours?” he asked.
“Mine. Top one. Miley’s a heavy sleeper.” He took us back there and that was a night I sure did regret.
I woke up and saw Miley was still asleep. Ryan was next to me. I hit him in the stomach and he sat up. He looked at me and then himself.
“Did we-” I nod.
“Yes!” I hiss. I hand him his clothes. “Now get out or sleep on the bottom bunk.” He jumps down and goes into his bunk. I get up and wrap a towel around myself and grab some fresh clothes. It was seven in the morning. We won’t be at Paradise until eleven. I take a hot shower, scrubbing every inch of Ryan off of me. I feel dirty and I’m guilty. I should’ve never given in. I’m a cheater. I cheated. I hate myself.I sat on the floor of the shower and cried every emotion out of me. there was a knock at the door and it opened. It was Max. but I was still crying. I cheated. I’m a whore and I cheated. Max looked in and saw me.
“Hey, why are you crying?” I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms over them. He opened the curtain and wrapped a towel around me. I couldn’t make out words, I just cried. I’d put this on myself. I can’t tell Max. I can’t tell anyone. Max just stared at me. it’s not like he hasn’t seen me naked before. We went skinny dipping one time. No, he was staring at my eyes.
“Nothing.” I croaked out. “It’s nothing.” I shooed him out and locked the door this time. I slip on my Galaxy shorts and a Sleeping with Sirens tank top and my Warped Vans. I confiscated myself in my bunk finishing writing songs and starting new ones. The guys kept coming in trying to give me food and ask what’s wrong. But I refused. Miley came in and forced me to eat three strips of bacon. This was five minutes after we had arrived. As soon as they left the bus, a look from Ryan sent my shivers, not the good kind, I went to the bathroom to cry.
-Show time-
“It’s a beautiful lie,” I sang. Everyone has been avoiding me because of my short temper. But once I was on stage I felt so much better. Only one thing mattered and that was the fans. “It's time to forget about the past. To wash away what happened last. Hide behind an empty face. Don't ask too much, just say, 'Cause this is just a game.” I scream into the microphone. I look into the crowd.
“It's a beautiful lie. It's the perfect denial. Such a beautiful lie to believe in-” I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the crowd. I had stop singing completely. The band stopped, they looked at me confused. But I was on the brink of tears. I can’t believe it. I really can’t.
I can’t believe he did this to me.
I drop the microphone and run off stage. I mean, it was our last song anyway. I run to our bus and run inside. I close the door, run to our bunk, and climb to the top of the bus. I lay on top of it, my body sprawled out in different directions.

Notes

Oooo, Ellie cheated!!! This is why we don't drink at 2 a.m watching Jackass people!