Rowan's eyes fluttered open slowly. Her sight was beyond blurry, her vision clouded as she squinted through puffy eyes. Just as she went to get up to prepare the usual post-hangover cocktail for her mother she realized her bed seemed to be moving, she almost jumped up until she suddenly remembered, it was Kellin. Rowan also noticed the room had grown chilly since she'd last been awake, but Kellin had somehow managed to wrap her hoodie around her as a blanket, keeping her tucked into a little cocoon of warmth. She still felt so groggy, sleep still sounded so nice. She therefore made no further movement, so as not to alert Kellin to the fact that she was semiconscious, other than cuddling back into him so that she could hear his heart beat. She timed her breathing with the steady thump thump, thump thump which reverberated through Kellin's tattooed chest and onto Rowan's salty cheek.

Kellin continued to stroke Rowan's long locks as she slept, from the top of her head to the floor, occasionally tucking loose strands behind her ear. She'd been out for nearly an hour. She was so weak, so drained, but Kellin felt wide awake. He'd held her the whole time, ignoring his legs and arms that were tingling from the lack of movement. Rowan was so light that it was no problem to just sit there, on the bathroom floor, and hold her. He wanted nothing more than to pick her up and run. Just run. Anywhere, everywhere... just to get her away from here. But at the same time, he couldn't bare to move her. She looked so peaceful. With her tiny hands -speckled with dried blood- still fisting his ruined shirt, Rowan's features were calm in her dreamy state. She seemed so young and fragile.

Kellin's heart raced as he was pulled into reality by a vibration. His phone. Kellin sucked in a sharp breath and held it, as if that would somehow help her stay asleep, as he slowly moved to get his cell from his hoodie pocket. He blinked at the sudden brightness in the otherwise dimly lit room, it read: Katelynne. He hurried to slide the answer bar, and whispered, "Hullo?"

"Kellin?" Katelynne's voice was concerned, "Are you okay?"

"Mmhmm, why wouldn't I be?" He tried his best to sound totally normal whilst still keeping his voice low and moving his chest as little as possible.

"Well for starters no one knows where you are..." Katelynne didn't sound angry or annoyed, only relieved and a little tired, "I called all the guys but none of them knew either, you weren't at the car, or answering your phone, or responding to my texts. You scared me, babe. Where are you?"

Kellin didn't really know what to say, he was able to come up with a lie pretty quick though, "Sorry, hun, I forgot to tell you. I decided to go to the cafeteria for lunch, then I took a nap in the booth, I was pretty wiped out from Cope keeping us up last night. I've just now woken up."

"Oh..." She sighed, sounding even more relieved, "Oh thank God you're fine. I'm glad. Sorry I freaked. I, uh, I didn't think you'd hung around though. I'm sorry, I left already. I got dad to pick me up and bring me home. Will you be alright getting home on your own?"

"Yeah," Kellin almost laughed at how bizarre this day had been already, "yeah I've got the car, and I'll be home soon. I just need to get some crappy hospital coffee to wake up a bit first."

"Sure," Katelynne laughed a bit, "I'll probably be in bed when you get here, alright? I love you."

"Love you too, babe."

Kellin hung up and glanced at the time, 6:24pm. Damn. He knew it was about time, he'd have to go.

Rowan's eyes opened once again, she'd been woken by Kellin's voice as it vibrated in his chest, but chose to remain 'sleeping' as long as possible. Now it was the end though, she knew there would be one but this seemed too soon, not that Rowan believed any amount of time with Kellin could be enough. It was the end to a beautiful day where she saw a small glimpse of what it might be like to have a father who cared, or a family at all. It was nice. It was safe, and comforting, and very nice. She would miss it. But all good things must come to an end. Kellin had been her savior today, but he had a daughter of his own, and a wife who was going through her own hardships. He was needed elsewhere, he needed to be their savior. That was okay, one day of being allowed to be hurt and broken and have the problems shouldered by someone else was more than Rowan thought she would ever get. She was grateful. She shrugged off the cozy cover, using the burst of cool air around her to aid her in waking a bit more. She looked blearily up toward Kellin, and smiled at him. He looked back down at her, grinning as he saw her stretch awake. He grabbed her hand to stop her stretching, though, as he saw her wince in pain. Her cuts were still blazing, her bruises making it hard to concentrate on anything other than the aching pain spreading through her body.

Rowan edged herself upwards a bit anyways, so that she was more sitting on Kelin's lap than cuddled into him. "Morning," Rowan saluted Kellin as she yawned, "What time is it?"

"Half after six." Kellin moved a bit too, giving his legs a little circulation and picking Rowan's jacket up off the filthy floor, "Sleep well?"

"You bet, Tatt."

"Tatt?"

"Well yeah," Rowan ran her fingers over her newest casualties, she always did that, it was an old 'morning after' habit. After one of her cutting episodes, Rowan would often feel so weak she had to sleep, the next time she awoke she would run her hands over her freshest slices so that they stung and reminded her of her mistakes and misfortunes. She looked back up to see that Kellin was awaiting further explanation. "I spent a good three weeks not knowing anything about you other than the fact that you have tattoos. I just kind of addressed you as 'Tatt' in my head. Besides, you have a nickname for me."

Kellin chuckled, he liked the name. He also realized she'd been as curious about him since their first encounter as he'd been about her. He helped Rowan stand, though she was a bit unsteady at first. She toppled over, landing in Kellin's arms again, she was still incredibly weak. "Ro, are you alright?"

"Yeah. I'm alright." Rowan bristled, shrugging off Kellin's help, "I'm fine."

"Sure." Kellin highly doubted that she was fine. She was currently swaying on the spot and her face was white as a sheet. Just as she began to collapse again, Kellin stuck his arms out and scooped her up. "Yeah right." She looked like she was about to faint as he placed her tiny 4'9" frame so that she was sitting on his left hip, "You're not going to walk anywhere like that, Rowan."

"Oooh," Rowan mumbled, even on the edge of passing out she was still sarcastic, "Using my full name, hey? I'm quakin' in my boots, bud."

Kellin just smirked, ignoring her jab, and bent over to grab Rowan's hoodie, throw it around her where she cuddled into him, and snatch her right sneaker up as he made his way toward the door. As Rowan laid her head onto his shoulder, Kellin swung the door open. He stopped though, seeing the light from the hallway glint off something metal on the floor. Her blade. It was crusted with dry blood but it sill gave off a deadly, dull shine. He stayed silent, leaving the monster behind as he left the small room and grabbed the bag, slung it over his right shoulder, and still somehow found a way to hold her board, too.

He wasn't leaving her like this, that much he knew. There had to be a pediatrics ward. Kellin checked to see that Rowan was sleeping soundly on his shoulder as he followed the bold signs that directed him toward the Information Desk.

Upon reaching the small counter, Kellin found it empty. He didn't dare ring the bell for fear it would disturb Rowan, he instead paced back and forth in front of the desk.

"Can I help you, sir?" The nasally voice interrupted Kellin's hard work at wearing a hole into the ground where he paced.

He hefted Rowan up on his hip, making sure she was secure as he nearly ran at the older woman who'd appeared at the desk. "Yes. Yes, please. Where's the pediatric's ward?"

"Let me grab a map..." The lady seemed to purposefully move at the speed of a snail. She came back to him, took the time to pull her glasses off the counter, slide them onto her face, and adjust them on her nose, before she took out a highlighter and marked the proper route. "...As you can see..." She readjusted her glasses, "...You start by going to the right here..." She took a deep breath before continuing, "...Then you go left there--"

"Thanks." Kellin snatched the map, cutting the woman off abruptly, "I'll figure it out from there."

As he wandered the highlighted route through the winding halls and sterile rooms, Kellin almost wished he'd let the turtle lady finish her spiel as he was almost positive he was lost. Thankfully, Rowan's head stayed firmly tucked into the crook at the base of Kellin's neck, she was still pale as death and looked more like a corpse than a child though. He finally just asked another (much speedier) nurse, who pointed him in the right direction. Twelve floors, three left turns, and five right turns later Kellin arrived at the appropriate door.

"Excuse me," Kellin whispered through the hole in the plexiglass panel at the check in desk, trying to get the woman's attention without waking Rowan. "Do you guys have time for a walk-in? I think she's lost some blood, she's really weak just now."

"Of course. I'll give you the papers about your daughter's previous health and you can just sit here in the waiting room to fill them out."

Kellin was about to say that he wasn't sure how much more time Rowan had before she was beyond healthy when a male voice interrupted from behind him.

"That won't be necessary, Dawn. I have time, I'll take her back." Kellin turned around to be faced with a doctor. He was older but not elderly, he had a kind face with wrinkles around his eyes and lips and salt and pepper hair. "Hello, I'm Doctor Leslie, and you are...?"

"Right," Kellin hoisted the board up under his arm, leaving his hand free to shake the doctors's, "I'm Kellin Quinn. And this is--"

"Rowan. I know." Kellin was confused, but the doctor just gave him a look that told him not to ask any more questions here, "Why don't we head back to one of the rooms."

Kellin followed Dr. Leslie into a cutely decorated room where he set his many items onto the spare chairs. There were animals painted in various spots along the room, all with uncharacteristically large smiles, that went well with the Hippo shaped exam bed and jungle theme wallpaper and linoleum floor. It was nicely done, but no amount of fun, smily faces could erase the tingly, sterile smell that inhabited all doctor's offices. Nonetheless, Kellin hoped it was cheery enough to subdue Rowan from attempting to kill him when she saw where he'd brought her.

"Here," The doctor's voice interrupted Kellin's train of thought again, "I know she might be a bit worried when she wakes up, best not let her be alone, you can sit on the exam table with her."

Kellin nodded graciously towards Dr. Leslie as he settled himself onto the child-sized Hippo table which immediately made him feel smaller and younger. "Thanks."

"It's fine. I'd be lying if I said this was the worst condition I've ever seen Rowan in, but I am shocked to see she has company."

"I'm a family friend. I'm in town, taking care of Rowan temporarily."

Dr. Leslie didn't seem to take notice of Kellin's shifty tone, and apparently bought the story easily, as he went ahead flipping through pages in her file and preparing his tools to examine her. Kellin knew that if he didn't say such a thing he most likely wouldn't be allowed to stay with Rowan in the office or be privy to any information on her current condition. Granted, Kellin wasn't sure that it was any of his business anyway but seeing as he was her only current companion he couldn't reason out leaving her alone, especially after the scene he'd witnessed her living through in the day so far. Something came to Kellin's attention then, the doctor seemed to have many records on Rowan, and he didn't ask any questions about her history or why she was pale and passed out, her bruises and bones exposed, wearing a ratty tank top with filthy hoodie slung around one shoulder, Dr. Leslie apparently knew her.

"You- You've seen her like this before? In this state?"

The doctor took a seat in his roll-around chair, across from Kellin as he spoke, "Rowan's no newbie here. What with her mother being in and out of this hospital for over three years, Rowan's here more often than not. I'm not saying I condone this, but I have witnessed her physical condition and Rowan and I have managed to come to an agreement of sorts. She's promised to attend Group meetings regularly for coping with her mother, she's also to have bi-monthly private counseling sessions, and she visits me about twice a week."

Kellin shifted Rowan a bit so that she wasn't as closely tucked into his chest, allowing Dr. Leslie more access, "She's only thirteen, so I know she doesn't drive, I assume her mom isn't in any condition to cart her around that frequently, so is it her father who drives her here that often?"

Dr. Leslie looked at Kellin a moment, setting down his stethoscope, "How much do you know about Rowan's home life?"

Kellin sighed, he knew he'd put his foot in his mouth by asking a question he should supposedly know the answer to, but his curiosity had gotten the best of him. "Honestly, not much..."

"I can tell you this first, in the years I've known Rowan I have never once been allowed to so much as shake her hand. She does not trust people easily. Based on the fact that she's so welcoming of you, I feel that I can share this information with you." Kellin didn't want to stop the doctor from talking, but he also knew that though Rowan seemed kind enough towards him, she in no way was warm and fuzzy toward himself, "According to the few tracks I have of Rowan’s privet sessions, her father is not in the picture. Her mother is more often inhabiting a hospital room here than she is in remission, and her mother’s boyfriend keeps track of their house while Rowan stays with her mother. Rowan doesn’t like to let on to much, but her mother is worse off currently than she seems. At this point in time, her mother’s cancer, which began as a treatable case of lung cancer, has progressed to a rapidly growing bone cancer. Rowan has been living in her mother’s hospital room for the last two months. That’s how she is able to make such regular appointments, despite her young age and lack of healthy guardians.”

“Thank you... For telling me that. I...” Kellin’s voice trailed off, he couldn’t find any words that seemed fitting.

Dr. Leslie nodded, understanding that he’d released a lot of information that Kellin needed time to process. He let Kellin have that time as he continued with his job of flipping through files, giving Rowan a once-over, and making new notes. Kellin was stunned. As much as he liked to believe he’d made progress throughout that day in getting to know Rowan, he knew he’d only barely cracked the surface. There was obviously still so much to know. He was almost ashamed of himself for nearly letting her go on without a second glance. He would’ve done just that had he not happened on the incident in the bathroom earlier. Granted, he would’ve still been curious and hopefully would’ve made an effort to see her again, he still would never have known just how desperately she needed the help which she refused to accept.

Eventually, Dr. Leslie cleared his throat, “Mr. Quinn...”

“Please, I’m Kellin.” Kellin smiled toward the doctor, still slightly shaking his head to clear his thoughts and refocus his attention, “What’s wrong with her? Is she going to be okay?”

“She seems to be in roughly the same shape as she was when I last saw her. Of course there is the fact that she has new self-harm marks, bruising, and is in need of blood and fluids... But I believe you are aware of that for the most part.” Off Kellin’s nod of agreement, Dr. Leslie continued, “There’s no need to wake her soon, she’ll only need to be put back to sleep afterward, she needs a blood transfusion but in the past Rowan has proved to not exactly be cooperative with nurse staff. We usually have to subdue her in order to treat her. I’ll go alert Dawn that Rowan needs a bed, try not to wake Rowan, if you don’t mind.”

“Sure,” Kellin gently tugged his own hoodie so that it encompassed both himself and Rowan, an attempt to warm her increasingly icy skin, “Thank you, Dr. Leslie.”

The doctor nodded, smiled again, and made his way out of the room. Kellin stayed as still as was possible, only moving to tuck Rowan’s face a bit more into the crook of his neck. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and block out all light, sound, and life. He wanted to just curl her into his chest and hide her from the misery that seemed to haunt her like an evil ghost. It was pitiful really, that a child with so much beauty, inside and out, was doomed to a life tainted with hurt. No child deserved that. It seemed to Kellin that every new fact he learned about Rowan only reinforced his belief that she needed to be rescued. Though he realized Rowan was too proud and too damaged to actually call out for the aid she desired and deserved, Kellin also knew that -whether she liked it or not- he would do everything in his power to be the person she needed.

Dawn, the kind-faced nurse with perfectly coiffed blonde hair, poked her head into the door. She smiled warmly as she saw Kellin with his arms wrapped protectively around a small child who was curled into his chest. Even knowing Rowan’s age, Dawn couldn’t help but think how much younger she looked when she slept. Though Dawn had seen Rowan asleep in hospital beds many times before, it was never the same as this type of rest. Here, cuddled into Kellin’s lap, she was so peaceful. She wasn’t only asleep, she was calm, protected, and cared for. She looked almost happy.

“Excuse me,” Dawn kept her voice as low as was possible, not wanting to disturb the peaceful child rested in his embrace, “I’m here to lead you two to Rowan’s room.”

Kellin nodded and rose to his feet, still keeping Rowan on his hip, and allowed Dawn to help him carry all of the crap he'd somehow become the caretaker of throughout the day. Still Kellin managed to keep Rowan's board in his free hand nonetheless, he knew it was important to Rowan and was therefore important to himself as well. He smiled gratefully at Dr. Leslie as they passed on their journey to help the sleeping child in Kellin's arms.

After rounding the final corner in a series of many twists and turns, Dawn stopped outside of a large, steel door. The door had a tiny window which was cross-hatched with metal yet decorated with Winnie the Pooh stickers in a vein attempt at comfort. Kellin swallowed hard as he read the large, bold print stuck to the door in an intimidatingly alarming shade of red which proclaimed this to be the PICU: Pediatric Intensive Care Unit.

"Whoa, whoa..." Kellin whisper-yelled, stopping Dawn's hand which had been moving toward the beige telephone bolted to the wall beside the daunting door, "The doctor said Rowan would be getting a bed, I think we're in the wrong place. There's no way Ro needs intensive care..."

But his words drifted off at the look of pity now painted on Dawn's soft features, "I'm sorry, Sweetheart, this is what's best for her..."

Kellin refused to cry so he choked hard on the lump rising in his throat, avoided eye contact with Dawn, and nodded slowly. Dawn moved again for the phone. She lifted it to her ear and pressed the large red button on the key pad, muttered a few words too quietly to be distinguished on this side of the conversation, and placed it back into its cradle. She looked over at Kellin, seeing the way his wide, glassy eyes stared worriedly down at Rowan's frail body in his arms as he wound some of her incredibly long hair around his fingers nervously. Kellin was brought back to reality as Dawn placed a hand on his shoulder and offered him a semi-comforting smile that didn't quite do the job before there was a loud buzzing sound ringing through the hall. Kellin followed Dawn closely as they entered the sterile, pale room. They were led past a few rooms, each with wide open doors and a couple with loud crying spilling out. Eventually, Dawn stopped at the end, allowing Kellin to bring Rowan into the small, lavender room. It was Eyore-Themed, ironically, with pictures of the depressed character decorating the walls and bed sheets. Kellin sat on the bed, refusing to lay Rowan down apart from himself. He was terrified to lose contact with her, at the moment he could feel her faint heart beat flutter against his side and the weak puffs of her breath ghost against his neck. He was petrified of losing that small assurance that she was, in some slight way, 'okay'.

"I'm sorry," Dawn worked to set down their variety of possessions on the tiny beige, pleather couch lining the far wall, "I know it's not comfortable, but is best if you allow Rowan to lie down, rest, and be placed on the proper medication devices."

She half-smiled sympathetically as she turned to the cupboard by the room curtain which was pushed to its smallest in the corner. Kellin sighed, deciding he would obey the suggestions only for Rowan's sake. As he slowly detached her arms and legs from their hold on himself, Kellin laid Rowan softly onto the deep purple quilt dotted with Eyore in various images of boredom and depression. Dawn appeared by his side again, holding a small pink cloth folded in her hands. Kellin shot her a questioning look.

"She needs to be in a robe, easier access for IVs and examination of her injuries." Dawn answered his unspoken question, "Do you prefer to have me change her?"

Kellin nodded a bit, suddenly feeling very conscious of the fact that he was in no way related to this little girl who'd so easily captured his heart. He sat on the couch, allowing Dawn to slide the curtain around to encompass Rowan's bed. Sitting amidst his junk, Kellin reached for his phone which had been shoved into his jacket pocket, and took the opportunity to text his wife.

From Kellin:
Hey babe, I'm still pretty out of it. Thinking of going for drinks with the guys. Hope you're sleeping well, sweet dreams beautiful. Love you.

Kellin knew she was most likely out cold, this chemo was supposed to have an accumulative effect and it'd made her groggy enough the first round along with the assigned dose of Ativan directly to her veins. He felt guilty lying to her but he also wasn’t sure how to explain his current situation without worrying his already wiped-out wife. He then decided to make sure the guys were aware in case she tried to get ahold of them. He sent a group text to Jesse, Jack, Gabe, and Justin.

From Kellin:
Yo, need you guys to cover for me. Told Katelynne I’m out for drinks with you. I’ll explain the rest later. Thanks.

Before Kellin could lose himself too thoroughly in his woes and guilt, the curtain slid open again to reveal Rowan. She was a Sleeping Beauty of sorts, laying still and pale in her bed, dressed in soft shades of pink which differed from her usual dark attire. He didn't realize he'd risen until he noticed he'd been drawn to stand beside her bed. There it was again, that unexplainable pull that Rowan commanded without even her own knowledge. Kellin in sat carefully on the edge of the bed and only distantly heard the click of the closing door echo behind him in the small hospital room.

He was left with a moment with the sharp silence. He noticed just how ragged Rowan's breathing had become, her chest rose and fell with a labored unevenness that made Kellin’s stomach twist with nerves. What if he’d been too late? What if, by letting her sleep a few more minutes in that bathroom, he’d killed this beautiful creature who needed him so desperately?

Kellin’s train of thought was interrupted yet again by Dawn’s soft knock on the door. She poked her head in, followed by the rest of her body, and a second person followed. It was a young, male nurse with short, dirty blonde hair and kind brown eyes. He was dressed in turquoise and cobalt blue scrubs that were decorated with multi-colored fish and his name tag read ‘Calvin’. He seemed nice enough.

“This is Calvin.” Dawn introduced him, even though Kellin had already known as much, whilst Calvin waved slightly and busied himself with pulling sterile looking odds and ends from a rolling cubbie beside the hospital bed. “Calvin, that’s Kellin. Calvin’s going to be Rowan’s nurse until the night shift switch. He’ll be who you can go to if need be. In the meantime he’ll need to hook Rowan up to her IV drip for liquids and her blood transfusion. I’ll be heading back to Dr. Leslie’s office. It was nice meeting you, I wish Rowan all the best.”

Hearing Dawn go, Kellin suddenly felt very protective of the drained child lying beside him, he shot daggers at Calvin as he addressed him, “So Calvin...” Calvin’s head snapped up at the sharp tone with which Kellin spoke, “You any good at your job?”

“I’d like to think so, sir.” Calvin tried to smile Kellin’s way but it faltered quickly under the sizzling glare he was receiving in answer.

“How old are you?”

“Twenty-one sir.”

Kellin blanched, “WHAT?! That’s not even college graduate age! There’s no way you’re coming near her with a needle!”

“I actually graduated college at fifteen... I’ve been in medical school since and this is already my second year working full time. I was Cedars-Sinai for a year and a half. I moved here last week and have received nothing but good feedback.” Calvin wasn’t defensive or stuck-up, he was only reassuring and kind. Somehow, Calvin’s cool, collected demeanor only aggravated Kellin further. However, Rowan was only thirteen and already a college grad so he was being an idiot if he held Calvin’s age in protest when he so readily accepted Rowan.

Kellin grumbled a bit, but eventually nodded Calvin’s way. Calvin took that to be the closest to a white-flag of surrender as he would get from Kellin, so he moved to set the medical bits on Rowan’s bed, beside her right arm. Calvin glanced up, once his gloves were on and he was prepped, to see Kellin looking down at Rowan with such a softness that he felt his own heart break a bit. He set the baby needle down for a moment and spoke.

“I promise, sir, I won’t hurt your daughter. I’m the best at IV’s, I haven’t had a child in my rooms cry once.”

Kellin nodded, giving a half-smile back to Calvin’s warm grin. He knew he should probably correct Calvin’s assumption but he was too preoccupied with gnawing on his lip and twisting the corner of Rowan’s quilt around his fingers to ease his nerves. Calvin got on with his job and there wasn’t even a peep out of Rowan in pain, she only slept on. Kellin wasn’t sure if her continued slumber was a testament to Calvin’s skill or just proof of how very weak she was, but either way he was glad Rowan hadn’t woken. He’d seen her in enough pain and couldn’t bear the thought of her in any more discomfort today. Calvin told Kellin he’d be just outside if he was needed, all Kellin had to do was press the little button on Rowan’s bed or attached remote which showed a picture of a tiny stick figure wearing a hat with a cross on it. Kellin reluctantly thanked Calvin and allowed the nurse to leave. Now Kellin was just sat in the room with Rowan, swathed in a suffocating stillness.

After a few more minutes of the eerie silence, Kellin decided he couldn’t handle it. He moved to sit again on the crowded couch while pulling out his headphones. He plugged them in, put on his ‘sleep’ playlist of calming songs and settled onto the couch more comfortably.

Without his permission, his eyes began to feel heavy-lidded. As hard as he tried to fight it, he finally gave in to his exhaustion. He pulled out one headphone so he could hear if Rowan needed him and then felt sleep fog his brain. In seconds he was out cold with the sounds of ‘Beth’ by Kiss drifting into his ears.

---

Rowan woke again to a faint beeping. Her mother’s heart monitor. She could feel herself drenched in a cold-sweat. Her back was stuck to the stiff sheets the hospital offered to guests who slept on the fold-out cot provided. It was as uncomfortable as ever. Rowan rolled over a bit, turning to bury her face in the pillow which smelled strongly of medical-strength cleaning products before she felt the slight stick of something in the crease of her right arm.

At that, Rowan’s eyes sprung open. She sat upright with dizzying speed and had to clutch a hand to her forehead to steady herself. As she regained composure, she looked to her arm. Her suspicions were confirmed as she saw an IV stuck into the fold of her arm. It wasn’t entirely painful but it itched and she wanted it out. She took a second to look around, how had the gotten here? What happened?

She saw that she was in the PICU, she could tell because the walls and sheets were decorated with a purply-blue animated character that seemed vaguely familiar to her but she wasn’t able to put a name to it. She continued her assessment, seeing that she was wearing a pink –GAG– hospital gown that was obviously designed to fit a toddler. Luckily she wasn’t much larger than the average eight year old so the gown wasn’t revealing in any way. She looked over to the couch and saw a mountain of stuff; her backpack, her board, a hoodie that wasn’t hers, a pile of folded clothes that she recognized as her own, and a beanie sat atop a mess of dark hair. She saw a man connected to that head, he was laying against the couch in what seemed to be a very uncomfortable position. His mouth was hanging open a bit and his chest rose and fell in a slow pattern that could only mean he was asleep. He had one earbud in and another hanging from the chord and rested against his chest.

Kellin.

Suddenly all of the day’s events came rushing back to Rowan. The meeting, yelling at the bitch, running out, cutting and crying in the bathroom, getting a call from her mother’s head-nurse saying her mother was in even worse condition, Kellin finding her, him taking her to lunch, the game, the cake, purging, cutting again, the mirror, Kellin saving her again, falling asleep in Kellin’s arms as he sang to her, dreaming of a life with a father like Kellin, waking and collapsing again, hearing snippets of conversation as Kellin carried her, dreaming of the mother she knew when she was small- healthy and happy and singing and laughing...

It all hit Rowan with such force that she felt her breath be knocked out of her. She was suddenly gasping for air, sweating, shaking, and kicking her covers off to allow herself some air. She felt the world start to spin around her, she was getting dizzy, she was going to faint, she could feel it.

Just as Rowan had gasped again, still not being able to receive enough oxygen, and accepted her fate to die, she felt arms wrap around her. She distantly knew she should push away, she didn’t know what monster was holding her so tight, but she couldn’t find the energy to fight. Rowan’s ears were ringing with the noises of screaming, loud hospital monitors, and sobbing. It took her a moment to realize the screams were ripping from her own throat and another long moment for her to find her voice and stop them. As she slowed her heart rate and panted, gulping in much needed oxygen, the sounds of the monitors, too, faded. There was still the sound of sobbing, and she knew that wasn’t coming from herself. Rowan looked up to see she was cradled in Kellin’s arms, the sobs were coming from him. Rowan didn’t notice her own hand moving until she saw it rest against his arm which was wrapped around her. She patted his arm a bit but didn’t know what else to do, she’d never been in a position to comfort a grown man. She’d never had kind-contact with any man, young or old, for that matter.

“I’m...” Rowan’s voice was but a whisper, she swallowed more air and licked her lips, forcing herself to speak louder the next time, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I’m sorry.”

“Wha--” Kellin was shocked to hear her voice so clam, but more shocked to hear her words themselves, “What?” He took a deep, steadying breath, calming himself down as he saw that Rowan was okay and he’d been over reacting. “What did you say?”

Rowan’s head dropped, she scooted away from Kellin, he realized she might feel uncomfortably warm so he dropped his arms from around her. He tried not to let her see how much it hurt him when she continued to move away, she shifted to curl into a ball –locking her arms around her legs and only peeking up over them– beside her pillow, as far away as she could get from him on the small bed. Kellin watched her carefully as she worked to avoid eye-contact with him.

“I said... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be loud. I won’t do it again.” Rowan wasn’t crying or screaming anymore, but she also wasn’t okay. Her voice was not weak but it was monotoned, totally void of emotion. Her eyes, for the second that Kellin caught her gaze long enough to assess them, were as beautiful as ever, but were equally blank. Her face held no expression. Had Kellin not witnessed her panic attack he would say that there was no trace of such disturbance left in her features. Still, she wasn’t okay. She looked dead, it made Kellin’s heart speed up a bit to see just how empty she appeared.

“Ro,” She flinched at the nickname, but Kellin didn’t let himself be deterred, she needed to know that he wasn’t angry, “You have nothing to apologize for, sweetheart.”

Kellin lifted his hand to push away the hair that was stuck to her face with sweat but stopped himself short at the look of absolute terror that flitted across Rowan’s otherwise vacant expression.

“Rowan, I’m not going to hurt you... You know that, right?” Kellin couldn’t help but let his doubt and fear seep into his voice.

Rowan nodded a bit but still avoided eye contact, or any contact really, with Kellin. He sighed, running his hand through his hair roughly.

“Rowan, are you okay?” She nodded. “Has that ever happened before?” Another nod. “How often?” A shrug. “Does anyone know about this?” She shook her head, No. “How long have you been having these panic attacks?” Another shrug. “Rowan, can you speak to me?” Another head shake, No. “Why not?” Yet another shrug. “How are you feeling?”

No answer.

“Rowan, I’d like you to look at me please.”

She shook her head once again, No.

“Rowan, I don’t want to, but if you don’t help me with this I will have to get the nurses. I sent them out when they tried to come in earlier, but they only went because I promised I knew what to do. I don’t, okay? I can’t know what to do if you don’t help me out...” Still, no response, “Okay, Rowan, I have no choice.”

As he turned toward to door, Rowan felt her heart beat quicken and her palms dampen with yet more sweat.

“Wait!”

With his hand on the door knob, Kellin froze. He turned back to see Rowan now with her arms outstretched, palms flat facing him, signaling him to stop.

“So we can talk?” Kellin tried not to seem too relieved as Rowan nodded in response. He made his way back toward the bed but this time he chose to sit at the furthest corner from where Rowan was, giving her the space she needed so badly. “So...”

“Well...” Rowan wasn’t quite sure what to say seeing as she didn’t want to say anything at all. She suddenly felt anger surge inside her, anger at Kellin for sticking her in here, anger at her mother for not being a mom who loved her, anger at her father for leaving, anger at her father for not leaving soon enough but causing her so much harm when she was little, anger at her mother’s boyfriend for all of the damage he’d done her as well, anger at cancer, anger at the world, anger at God. Just anger.

“Well what?” Kellin prompted her.

“Well nothing. Get the fucking doctors, I know you want to hand me and all my issues over to ‘em anyway. Just do it. Fucking dump me, cause I’m not saying another word about that shit.”

“Rowan,” His voice was partially whining, partially reprimanding, and partially begging, “Please. I don’t want to involve the doctors, I don’t want to dump you, and I don’t want to force you to talk. But I would really like for you to talk to me so I don’t have to subject you to them. Please.”

“Oh, well isn’t that nice. You’d ‘really like for me to talk to you’, huh? Well what if I don’t give a flying fuck what you’d ‘really like’? Huh? What about that?”

“Rowan there’s no need to talk to me like that.” Kellin tried to disguise the hurt in his voice with a firm reassurance.

“There is too.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that? What have I done to you that means you get to yell at me?”

“Everything! You’ve done everything to me!”

“Because I brought you here? Is that it? You were dying in my arms, Rowan!”

“That’s not it!! That’s not it at all, Kellin!!”

Kellin stood up from the bed, they were now yelling loudly at each other, staring each other down like they were in some twisted western show-down. “Then what is it, Rowan?!”

“EVERYTHING! UGH!” Rowan pounded her fists on the bed, sitting up so that she was on her knees atop the bed. She was still shorter than Kellin but she didn’t have the strength to stand all the way to her feet.

“THAT ISN’T AN ANSWER!”

“I DON’T WANT TO TELL YOU!”

“WELL THAT SUCKS ‘CAUSE YOU HAVE TO! IF YOU’VE DECIDED NOT TO TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG THEN YOU’VE AT LEAST HAVE TO GIVE ME A GOOD GODDAMNED REASON!”

“YOU’VE GOTTEN MY HOPES UP! THAT’S WHAT YOU FUCKING DID, KELLIN! YOU’VE GIVEN ME TOO MUCH FUCKING HOPE! IT’S GOING TO HURT LIKE A BITCH WHEN YOU TAKE IT ALL AWAY!!”

That wasn’t what Kellin was expecting to hear. With those words hung in the thick air between them, both Kellin and Rowan felt their eyes widen and mouths hang open.

“Wh... What?” Kellin forced himself to ask.

“Nothing. Nothing, Kellin. Just fucking forget it, okay?”

“No.”

They both realized they were being stupid and stubborn but neither was willing to give in. So they stayed there, eyes locked, fists clenched, jaws taught, chests heaving with pent up shock and hurt and rage. Rowan suddenly saw a flicker of something in Kellin’s eyes as their gaze was locked. It was a flash of regret, a glimmer of hurt, and a sliver of something otherwise unfamiliar to Rowan. He didn’t want to yell at her, and that was something she’d never before witnessed in a battle with a man. He seemed as though he was going to back down, and he did just that. His fists unclenched and his jaw slackened and his eyes dropped for a moment before they met Rowan’s hard stare again, this time his eyes were searching hers for something but he found nothing, she had her walls up. She fought to keep them up, because part of her wanted to just fall into his arms again and ask him what emotion was now filling his gaze. She couldn’t identify it and that terrified her. She stayed stock-still for the most part but she finally gave in a tiny bit, she held his kind eyes as she spoke.

“I don’t like hope. It’s hurtful. You’ve helped me too much today. Had you not done so, I’d have been perfectly fine going back to my mother’s hospital room and saying goodbye and not crying once and going home to Scott and never knowing what it felt like to be rescued. Now you’ve shown me what that feels like and therefore you’ve fucked me over. I will miss it. And that’s why I cannot tell you anything more about me, because the more we talk the more attachment there will be, for me and for you, and the more it will hurt later. You can’t become attached to me either way, because I won’t be around much longer and -without you butting into my life- that would’ve been fine because no one would miss me and no one would notice I’d gone and no one will have to hope and then hurt. So, fuck you and your kindness. You can leave now, and forget you ever met me. Goodbye.”

And with that, Rowan dropped to sit on her butt on the bed, turning to fluff her pillow and hide the water that was pooling in her eyes. The room was silent. She peeked through the curtain of her hair to see Kellin stood exactly where he was before.

“I said: leave.” Rowan had to fight to keep the lump in her throat from affecting her speech, “Now. Go.”

“No.”

“GO!” Rowan spun back around, tears coated her already sweaty cheeks and misted her vision, “JUST GO!”

“No.” Kellin moved, not toward the door, but toward the bed. He took a slow, measured step toward Rowan, “I will not go.”

“Please...” Rowan was no longer strong and demanding, she was weak and pleading. Her eyes dropped to her hands as they twisted the fraying hem of the pink gown in her grasp, “Please go... It will hurt too much later if you stay now... Please, I can’t handle that hurt.”

“I know that, Ro.” Kellin took another cautious step forward and stretched his hand out, he curled a finger beneath her chin and softly tugged her head up so that their eyes locked again, he saw those navy blue orbs swimming with tears as they gazed back at him with apparent pain and begging, “I know you can’t take on any more hurt, Rowan. I know I don’t know all about you, but I know that much. But I also know I will not leave.” She parted her lips in shock, preparing to protest, “I’m not staying to cause you more pain, I’m staying to heal. I will not abandon you. I don’t know how, but I will not let you hurt anymore. Okay? Do you hear me when I say that? I will not abandon you, Rowan.”

“You...” Rowan forced herself to break eye contact with him, she could never think straight when he stared at her like that, with that confusing emotion in his gaze that she couldn’t understand, “You don’t mean that. You’re in shock, it’s been a long day. You feel pity for me, you don’t even know me. You don’t mean that.”

“Rowan.” Kellin sat beside her on the bed, facing her and guiding her face back so that she could see the genuine care in his expression, she looked back to him reluctantly, “I do mean it. I may not know you, but I care about you. Call me crazy, say I’m just not thinking straight, whatever, I’ve thought so too for a while, but I do mean what I say. Can you just believe that? Just trust me that I will figure this out?”

“I...” Rowan furrowed her eye brows, trying hard to fight the small flower of hope that was slowly but surely blooming in her chest at his words, but she eventually gave in. After all, to someone who’s heart is so far beyond repair, there isn’t much more that can affect you. She felt her shoulders slump a bit as she admitted defeat, but she couldn’t help the part of her that thought this time might be different. She wasn’t sure what care or love felt like, but she was slightly suspicious that, in fact, that was the unidentified emotion in Kellin’s eyes now: Love, Care. She smiled back to him, and gave an infinitesimal nod. “Okay. Okay, I’ll believe you.”

Kellin beamed back at her. He shifted so that he was leaning back against the bed where it was tilted into an almost chair-like shape, allowing Rowan to lay her head on his chest and her body stretched out beside his. She felt his arm drape over her shoulder and his hand begin to run through her sweaty, tangled hair. It was so comforting, and so foreign; equally calming and terrifying. Part of Rowan was waiting for the punchline, for him to tell her it was all a joke, or the punch itself, one delivered from him to her to prove that he was just like Scott and her faraway father and her dying mother. But the other, more dominant, part of her was too –dare she say it– happy there to do anything but enjoy it.

Kellin allowed his icy hands to wipe the sheen of sweat glistening on Rowan’s arms and forehead before he continued to detangle her mass of dark chocolate curls. The gentle rise and fall of his chest was lulling Rowan into a sleepy stupor, but she forced herself to stay awake. She wanted to enjoy this too-good-to-be-true moment that (despite what she’d told Kellin of her belief in him) she expected to end any second. She decided talking might be the best way to keep herself conscious.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“I still am. I yelled.”

“So did I. I’m the adult here, I should be apologizing. I’m sorry.”

“I was worse.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Yeah-huh.”

“Ro, just forget it. It’s fine. I mean it.”

“So...”

“Yeah?”

“Who dressed me?”

Kellin couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at that. Rowan grinned against his side as she felt his laugh reverberate through his chest and vibrate against her cheek. “The nurse, Dawn.”

“Oh. Okay. Dawn’s cool.”

“Agreed. She’s cool.”

“Kellin?”

“Yeah?”

“Will... Will you sing to me?”

“Sure... Any requests?”

Kellin felt Rowan shake her head against his side, he just shrugged and began singing a song that reminded him of Rowan and just what he wanted to be for her.


“I never meant to be the one
Who kept you from the dark
But now I know my wounds are sewn
Because of who you are
I will take this burden on
And become the holy one
But remember I am human
And I'm bound to sing this song”


Rowan smiled even as tears began to pool afresh in her eyes. She snapped her lids shut but alas, the rebel tears fell anyway. They dripped softly to soak Kellin’s tee-shirt once again, adding to the mess. Her tears joined the blood stains and smudged dirt there, but somehow Kellin couldn’t care less. So long as Rowan’s tears were the only thing to stain his shirt again, he didn’t mind, he only cared that he could make her smile again. He ran his fingers through her hair as he continued to sing, trying to calm and comfort her. Rowan’s smile was still there all the while.


“So hear my voice, remind you not to bleed
I am here, saviour
Will be there
When you are feeling alone, oh
A Saviour
For all that you do
So you live freely without their harm...”


Rowan’s hand fell from where it’d been -trying to catch her tears- to rest lightly on Kellin’s stomach. She felt herself raise and fall with every breath he took and every word he sang, and she couldn’t stop the pure goodness she felt bubbling in her chest. This was it, this was what it felt like to be loved. She reveled in the feeling, basking in the warmth that spread throughout her as Kellin sang words that matter so much to her. Kellin began to feel his own tears fill his eyes and blur his sight, but he too smiled through them, letting the sound of his care filter through every word he sang just for her. Together they had their own privet moment of safety, together they enjoyed feeling the other’s contentment, together they fell into the most peaceful slumber either one had had in a what felt like a lifetime. Kellin mumbled the words until they were both blissfully dreaming.


“Saviour
Will be there
When you are feeling alone, oh
A Saviour,
For all that you do
So you live freely without their harm
When I hear your cries
Praying for life
I will be there”

Notes

Shoutouts to:
Musics_My_Life

Thank you guys so much for the views and subscribes. I hope you're enjoying the story and this chapter. Let me know what you think? Good bad and ugly? Ha.
Thank you guys so much,
MM