They took test after test, after test. And more tests and… more tests and then some more. My heart was racing and I was wondering. What the fuck was going on? Why wouldn’t they say anything? What was wrong with me?

Dr Palm finally came in and I looked at the time. For almost five hours had I been here now and Elijah had called a few times, so had Austin. I didn’t answer because I knew that I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say.
"What is wrong with me?" I asked and looked at him, and Dr Palm looked a bit sad. then he looked at me with pity.
"I noticed that your throat was abnormally swollen and wanted to take a closer look. It seems that my guessing was right. I found a lump on your vocal cord" he said, and I gasped. A lump? A LUMP?!
"What? What can I do to get it away?" I asked.
"If it had been a normal lump we would have been able to do something about it, but right now we’re waiting for some of the tests to come back. I don’t want you to get alarmed just yet, but I want you to consider the worst" he said.
"The worst? What’s the worst?" I asked. He looked at me. Kinda surprised I didn’t get it.
"A tumor dear, a tumor" he said. I just stared at him. A tumor?

Half an hour later they finally got their results back and I broke down completely. It was a tumor. I had a fucking tumor on my vocal cord.
"What can we do about it? I’m a singer… I need to sing" I said. Dr Palm bit his lip and looked at me with sad eyes.
"I’m sorry Princess, but you only have two options. To either operate the tumor away, or let it stay" he said.
"What happens if I do the surgery?" I asked.
"You are most likely to lose your voice, and the chance of you ever talking again is very minimal" he said.
"Wait… Go back.. Talk?" I asked.
"If you do the surgery you will not be able to sing, and there is a big chance you might not even be able to talk. But you will survive. If you don’t do the surgery you will be able to sing, but you will die" he said. I stared at him. It was to sing and die, or not being abled to even speak and live. Fuck.
"And what if I don’t do the surgery… How long will I have?" I asked.
"I can’t answer that. You can die tomorrow, next week, next month or in a year or two. I don’t know" he said. I stared at him. What the fuck was I going to do?
"So what do you want to do?" he asked and looked at me.
"I think… I think I take my chances and see how long I will last" I said.
"I would recommend you not to, but it’s your life" he said.
"I’m a singer. I rather die singing, than live and not" I said and swallowed.
"Then prepare yourself to collapse any day" he said.

I walked out from the hospital with all my papers. I carefully hid them away in my bag and took a deep breath. How was I going to say this to everyone? That I had a tumor on my vocal cord and could die tomorrow, or next week? Fuck no. I wasn’t not going to tell them anything. The only person I was going to tell was Carol. I was going to tell her and make her promise she would never tell anyone. I picked up my phone and she answers just after a few signals.
"Hi love, it’s been some time since I last heard from you" she said.
"Carol, I need to tell you something and I need you to promise me you won’t tell Cory" I said. She got quite and I swallowed.
"Won’t tell Cory?" she asked.
"Because what I am about to tell you can’t reach him, or anyone else" I said.
"Are you pregnant?" she asked.
"No I am not pregnant" I said, and rolled my eyes.
"Does this have to do with yesterday at the show?" she asked.
"Yes and no" I said.
"Honey, you are just having a bad case of cold, it’s nothing to worry about" she said. And with that I knew I couldn’t tell her. She would be devastated.
"I’m sorry for calling… I might be overreacting" I said.
"It’s okay Princess, we all fail sometimes" she said and I could hear her smile.

Austin called after I had finished talking to Carol.
"And finally you answer" he said.
"Sorry, I didn’t want to answer inside the hospital" I said.
"You’re still there?" he asked, a bit surprised.
"I had to wait for so long because they managed to lose my samples, but I just have tonsillitis” I said.
"So it’s just a simple tonsillitis?” he asked.
"Yes it is" I said and laughed, but it hurt and I started to cough.
"So you get like penicillin now?" he asked.
"Need to rest for a few days, not sing and in a few days I should be back to normal" I said. He stayed quite and then I heard him sigh with relief.
"Thank God it wasn’t anything bad" he said.
"I’m coming back in just a short moment, and when I get back I want some tea" I said.
"Deal" he said and I heard him smile.

Fuck Austin… How the fuck am I going to tell you? When I finally get the courage to do so? How would you react? How do I tell Cory?

What if I don’t tell you… Should I keep saying every day that I love you, until I finally collapsed? Should I show him every day how much I care? How much I love his smile, his eyes and everything about him?

I want to tell him, but I can’t. This time I can’t be honest.
And that is not the only thing killing me right now.