I should have stopped drinking as soon as Adam passed out, but I just wasn’t ready to succumb into my tiredness yet. Sleeping seemed like too much of a pleasant escape from reality, and I wanted to sulk a bit longer. I wanted to enjoy my excuse to be over emotional. So I grabbed the handle of fireball and left the house after I sat in the bathroom and cried for thirty minutes. I decided that I needed to hear about this for myself – directly from the source.

I wasn’t sure about how I got from LA to Long Beach – it was only about twenty minutes away, but it was definitely a difficult walk – the only safe way of getting there would be to take the freeway, seeing as the only other way to get there would be to take the back roads, and I wasn’t able to walk down a sketchy street while drunk and wearing a skirt.

Why did I change my clothes from jeans to a skirt, anyway? I silently questioned myself, my mind getting side-tracked much too easily.

I walked up to the door of Alan’s house, first stopping to look around. My car wasn’t anywhere in sight, so I clearly hadn’t driven. I also noticed that Jane’s car wasn’t in sight either, so I knew that I was safe.

I reached for my purse and realized that I didn’t have it. I had left without anything – no phone, no wallet, no keys, no identification…only the bottle of fireball that was in my left hand. I brought it up to my lips and took a large gulp – the alcohol was easily transferred because I had pulled the pour control lid off it so I could drink straight from the bottle.

I took a deep breath once the liquid fell down my throat – I couldn’t even taste it anymore, I could only feel the slight tingle of the cinnamon hitting my throat. My lips and teeth were numb, but my heart definitely wasn’t.

I knocked on the door – well, actually banged on the door. I was impatient and angry, and I almost wished that I would have brought a knife or something so I could carve the word “liar” into the wood of his front door, so everybody would know that he lied to me about us being together. But instead, I resulted on banging on the door, most likely waking up his neighbors in the process.

I went to hit the door again, but my fist plunged right through the air, my whole body flying forward from the force I was putting into it. Before I could even register what was happening, I was landing right into somebody’s arms.

“Addie?” Alan’s voice sounded. “What are you doing here?”

I looked up to see Alan staring down at me, looking over my appearance with worried eyes. Once his eyes saw the anger in mine, the worry vanished and instead guilt took over. He realized that I had heard the news, and this bastard was finally starting to feel guilty about this.

“I think you need to explain,” I said, trying to pull myself away from him. My words didn’t come out as clear as they sounded to me though, they were actually jumbled and my voice was almost unrecognizable.

“Are you drunk?” Alan asked, amusement then taking over his face. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drunk like this.”

“I don’t give a shit,” I spat. “I came here for a reason.”

I was inside of Alan’s house, the next few lines of dialogue that we had exchanged were forgotten the second they hit the air. My mind was starting to black in and out, and I knew that I needed to set the fireball down. I went to take one last sip, but was met with nothing but the residue that was sitting on the brim of the glass bottle – it was empty. I had drank a majority of it on my own, and I knew that could only mean horrible things were about to happen. Not only did I drink to have fun, but I also drank to have sex, if that made any sense.

I wasn’t emotional anymore, the only emotion (if you could even call it that) that I was feeling was lust. I watched Alan as he walked into the room holding a glass of water and a piece of bread. He was shirtless – wearing nothing but a pair of black pajama pants that were hanging loosely from his hips, his boxers sticking out from the top. His hair was a mess, and I realized that he must have been sleeping, but all I could think was, how can he sleep so soundly at night knowing that he’s stringing me along like this? Does he think about me at all?

I realized in that moment that he probably didn’t care about me or even think about me anymore. It was clear that he was trying to write me off, but yet I kept forcing myself into his life.

“It’s always going to be like this, Alan,” I slurred. “I live in LA now, and I can’t go back to England. I’m always going to be around. Jane is my sister. And if you stay with her that means I will always be in your life. I’ll be at family gatherings. I’ll be around, always. And then what? How can I get over you if I have to see you all the time? I don’t care if you love my sister anymore, really. I mean…of course I do…I wish you would love me instead, but if you stay with Jane it just sucks because I’ll never be able to get away from you-“

“Would you shut up?” Alan said with a laugh. He was sitting beside me on the couch, keeping a reasonable distance between us.

I was sitting cross-legged on the couch, not caring that I was wearing a skirt and that my underwear was probably showing. I didn’t care about anything in that moment; I just needed to express all of my worries before anything else could happen. “No, Alan, I can’t. I need you to know how I’m feeling, because my feelings have been left out of this for way too long.”

Alan’s face fell. My words hit him hard because they were true. Sure Alan knew about my feelings for him, but he never seemed to pay them any attention anymore. He fed me empty promises and lies and just dropped off the face of the earth after, leaving me to be broken and hurt.

“I’m sor-“

“No, stop,” I interrupted him, my voice harsh and demanding. “I don’t give a fuck about your apologies. I don’t want to hear them anymore. I just need you to tell me what the fuck is going on.”

He was silent for a moment. He let out a loud sigh as he rammed his fingers through his hair, his eyes fixated on his bare feet. “I’m assuming Adam spoke to you.”

“Stop cutting corners, Alan, just tell me.”

He groaned and slouched his shoulders a bit. “I don’t know how it happened, really. We were on our way home from a doctor’s appointment and she just kind of said she wanted to get married. I just kind of laughed and dropped her off at home. She came over later that night, crying. She said she felt fat and unloved and all this other shit – I didn’t know what was going on until she finally told me that she was serious about marrying me. I told her that I knew she was, but that I wasn’t okay with that. Then she cried even more and eventually just left.

“She came over the next day with Anouk and Phil and then later on Aaron swung by, too – she flashed me some fancy ring she bought herself and then basically told me that we were engaged. Then she gave me a ring and that was how it happened. I couldn’t fucking say no to her in front of everybody, when Anouk started squealing and taking pictures and shit! It was weird and so now I’m fucked.”

I laughed loudly at his words. “That’s the most pathetic thing I have ever heard. Since when have you been such a little fucking bitch? Stand up for yourself, god dammit! Tell her no; tell her you don’t want to marry her!”

Alan sighed and looked away, and I couldn’t help but feel that there was something he was leaving out.

“Oh,” I said, realization washing over me, and making me want to cry right in that moment. “You do want to marry her.”

Alan sighed, yet again, and I took that as a yes.

“Just, tell me, Alan. Do I give up on us?” I ask. I stared directly into is eyes, but he wouldn’t look at me. “Yes or no.”

“No,” he said simply, shaking his head lightly.

“Do you still care about me?” I asked, feeling like this one would give me the answer I was half-expecting. “Yes or no,” I practically whispered. “I’m pretty sure I already know the answer to this,” I added, my voice breaking as my sadness and alcohol-induced emotions started to overcome my senses.

Alan turned his head and finally looked me directly in the eyes. “Addie, I love you.”

I couldn’t help it. I let the tears fall after he said that – my face immediately scrunching up as my emotions curdled my muscles and made me writhe in pain. I was so done with all of this, but no matter how much I wanted to give up on it all, no matter how much I wanted to just let Jane have Alan…I couldn’t. Because I knew it wasn’t right. Even if Jane really was carrying Alan’s baby. Even if they really, truly loved each other – I couldn’t let it happen. Alan was made for me. I knew that for sure.

“Please, don’t cry,” he mumbled, reaching out and pulling me into his arms.

I pushed him away, not wanting to fall right back into his arms so quickly. My tears blurred my vision, and my mind blacked out on me for a while. I knew that I was still crying, though. I knew that I was still hurting and angry, but the next time I came back from my alcohol-induced amnesia, I was pinned under Alan’s body on his bed, my limbs being tangled with his as he rolled us over, our mouths connected and hungrily moving faster and faster. Our tongues were moving together roughly – making up for all of the lost contact they have had.

Alan’s hand trailed up my skirt, his hand already knowing that the sides of my panties were lace, and I wondered if he had sneaked a peek at them while I was sitting on the couch. It didn’t matter though, because soon his fingers came in contact with my flesh underneath the lace and were ghosting their way toward my center. I gasped when he came in contact with the place that longed for him.

The next few moments vanished as my mind seemed to slip from me once again, and this time when I blinked and saw the world again, I was curled up against Alan, my body trembling as I sobbed into his chest. He was clutching onto me so tight that I was certain my sides were going to have bruises from his grasp. I knew that Alan and I hadn’t had sex – even though I wasn’t sure about how long I had been blacked out for, I knew that we didn’t. My clothes were still on completely, and so were Alan’s.

I looked up to Alan and saw that he was crying, too. He was sniffling quietly as small tear drops fell from his eyes. I allowed myself to calm down, unsure of what had even made us cry in the first place.

“Alan…?” I asked. “Why are we crying?”

Alan sniffled and then let out a few low chuckles. “What do you mean?”

“I can’t remember when we started crying,” I admitted. I could feel myself sobering up just a tiny bit, the sweat and tears were helping to drain some of the toxins from my body. “I’m really drunk and keep blacking out and then coming back.”

“Are you serious?” Alan asked with a chuckle. “That’s the worst. I hate that.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, gently gnawing on the corner of my bottom lip. “But I’m serious… Why are we crying?”

Alan shook his head and took in a deep breath. “You’re sure you don’t remember anything?” he asked.

“Yeah…?”

Alan nodded. “I think we should keep it that way.” He kissed the top of my head and pulled me closer into him. I didn’t allow my confusion to push me into a round of twenty questions; instead I trusted his judgment and remained silent, just enjoying the feeling of his bare chest against my arm. His body heat radiated off of him, giving me a kind of comfort than only Alan could ever bring me.

-

I woke up in my own bed, confused as to how I had gotten there and when I had even gotten there. Adam was passed out beneath the blankets beside me, his mouth hanging open with soft snores coming through. Had I imagined going to Alan’s house the night before?

I rolled over and picked up my phone that was charging on my nightstand and checked the time. It was nearing two o’clock in the afternoon, and I already had three missed calls from Alan and two text messages from him.

Hey, don’t forget…lunch today at three.

Addie? You didn’t die of alcohol poisoning in your sleep, did you? Call me or text me back when you get this!

I smiled to myself, happy to see that Alan and I had made plans to get together. I furrowed my eyebrows for a moment as I re-read the text messages. Lunch at three? I looked at the time again and then felt panicked. There was no way I was going to be able to get ready in an hour.

I carefully rolled out of bed, careful not to wake Adam, and typed out a text message to Alan as I walked to the bathroom to take a shower.

Hey, I just woke up. I might be late to lunch…

In an instant, he replied.

Okay, is 3:30 better? Meet me at the Deli by your house.

I jumped into the shower, not even bothering to reply to his text message. I scrubbed away the sticky feeling of my sweat and washed the smell of alcohol off of my body as I tried to recall where the Deli was. I shaved quickly, and made sure to use extra body wash to make sure I smelled perfect. I was slightly embarrassed from the way I had acted the night before and needed to make up for it by being more than presentable for today.

The fact that Alan was making plans with me gave me even more hope than before – which could be both good and bad. I was afraid of the fall once all of this failed, but my head was too focused on the chances of things actually working out. I shook my head and I walked back into my bedroom. My thoughts were starting to sound like a broken record and it was not helping the situation.

I dropped my towel and pulled on a pair of underwear and a bra as I dug through my closet to try and find something to wear that would impress Alan without flaunting the fact that I was actually trying to impress him. I settled for a dress that I had only worn a few times for work – it was a coral color and accentuated all the right curves and shapes my body naturally had. And, it made my boobs look enormous, which was definitely a plus. I pulled on a black, slouchy cardigan that became more tailored as it went further down the arms, pulling it in to fit tightly at my wrists. I pushed it up just a bit to scrunch up the sleeves before I slipped on some velvet, taupe flats to match the taupe purse that I had been already using for work. I pulled on some ivory and gold, dangling earrings and hurried into the bathroom to gently curl the ends of my hair and do my makeup. I decided that a little more eyeshadow and eyeliner than usual would be appropriate.

It was almost three o’clock at that point and I knew that I needed to leave quickly so I had enough time to find the deli Alan was talking about. I hurried back into my room to make sure I had everything. As I did a once over on my room, scanning for anything that I might need in my purse, my eyes landed on the lotion bottle on my dresser. I quickly picked it up and lifted my leg so it was up on the bed. I forgot Adam was even in my bed and ended up stepping right on his calf.

I ignored it, not even bothering to mutter a sorry as I quickly began to massage the lotion into my legs.

“Mmm,” Adam grumbled. “I wish I could wake up to this sight every morning.”

I rolled my eyes and switched legs, hurrying and then rubbing the remnants of the lotion between my hands. “Where’s the deli around here?” I asked, setting the lotion back down and then hoisting my purse over my shoulder.

“Just keep going straight out of the apartment complex and you’ll see it,” he answered. “Why?”

“Um…I guess I went to Alan’s house last night after you passed out and apparently we made lunch plans.”

Adam gave me a weird look. “Wait…you mean you don’t remember? Did you guys…?”

“No, I’m pretty certain that we didn’t have sex. But I don’t remember a lot of the night. Only a few things here and there and then there’s random blacked out periods.” I sighed and adjusted my hair around my face. “I’ll text you when I get there, okay?”

“Okay, sounds good. Can I just lounge around here until you get back?” he asked, nuzzling himself back into the blankets and pillows. He moved over so he was laying in the middle of the bed, taking advantage of all of the space.

“Yeah sure,” I said, slapping over where I hoped his butt would be from under the blankets.

He groaned again and muttered, “yeah, harder, do it again,” with a chuckle.

I headed down the street, keeping my eyes peeled for this deli that was supposedly close by. I just kept walking straight until I finally saw it at the end of the block, a big sign with the word “DELI” written in big, blocky letters. I crossed the street and walked straight up the door. I pulled open the tinted, glass door and smiled as the bell chimed above my head.

The place was actually more of a restaurant than a typical deli. It was called “The Deli” as its title, not because it was a deli. I looked around, trying to find Alan’s tuff of orange hair. I spotted him in the corner, sitting in the last booth in the row that lined the wall, right beside the window. He was facing me, but someone was sitting across from me. He looked up and instantly caught my eyes. His eyes widened and he shook his head, mouthing the name of the one person that was still coming between us – Jane.

My eyes immediately widened and I went to turn around, but before I could head out the door, I heard Jane call my name.

“Addie?” she called.

I quickly turned my body to make it look like I was just arriving instead of trying to leave, and looked around the restaurant for a moment before she called my name again. “Addie, over here!”

She waved her hand up, motioning me over. She turned back around in the booth, and I thought to myself, now, Addie! Run while she’s not looking. But instead, I listened to her instructions and walked on over. She was scooting over in the booth to make room for me, but I didn’t intend on sitting down. That was definitely something I wanted to avoid at all costs.

“Hey guys,” I said with the best attempt of a smile I could muster. I really wasn’t excited to see Jane. So many things were weighing on our relationship – the main factor being the boy sitting across from her.

“Sit down!” she insisted. “Are you here with anyone?” she asked.

“Oh, um, yeah, actually,” I lied. “Adam told me to call him when I got here.”

“Oh,” she said with the hint of a frown at the mentioning of Adam’s name. “Go ahead,” she muttered, turning her gaze back down at the menu in front of her.

I pulled my phone out of my purse and dialed Adam’s number, hoping that he hadn’t fallen back to sleep.

“Hello?” he answered, confusion in his tone.

I sighed and turned away from the table. “Hey!” I said. “I’m here. Where are you?”

“Uhhh…you know you called me, right, and not Alan.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I just got here. Are you on your way?”

Adam was silent on the other end. “Uhhh,” he finally responded.

“Tell him where we’re sitting! You guys should join us,” Jane called from behind me.

I turned around for a quick second to see her smiling widely. I both envied and hated the way she could act like nothing was wrong between us.

“Jane and Alan are here,” I said. “They invited us to sit with them.”

“Oh fuck. I’ll be there as soon as possible,” he groaned, finally catching on to what I was saying.

“See you soon,” I said as casually as I could manage. I ended the call and turned back toward the table.

“It’ll be like a double date,” Jane said with a large smile on her face. “Have a seat,” she said, motioning across the booth…right beside Alan. I decided to not question her gesture and have a seat. Alan scooted closer to the window so I had room to sit beside him with enough space between us so that Jane wouldn’t suspect anything was going on.

I noticed that her hand was resting on her belly that had grown a bit since I had last seen her, and although the entire situation had me feeling slightly ill and confused, I couldn’t help but smile at the sight of her baby growing. Now that I was pretty certain that the baby was not Alan’s, I could accept that fact that my sister was pregnant with my future niece or nephew. The idea had me feeling excited, even. I was going to be an Auntie. Aunite Addie. It just flowed so nicely.

“We’re thinking of telling the fans soon,” Jane said. She had started to rub her bump very slowly as she stared down at it with a smile. “We’re just waiting a little bit longer. Until jelly-belly is a bit bigger.”

“Jelly-belly?” I asked.

“It’s the nickname she has for the baby. The last check-in we had he was only the size of a jellybean. So she’s been calling him Jelly, Jelly-Belly, and so on.”

“She,” Jane corrected. She looked at me and smirked. “It’s a she.”

“It is?” I asked.

“No, it’s a he,” Alan groaned, a playful smile on his face. It pained me to see him smile in this situation. He was starting to feel somewhat excited at the idea of being a father, but I could also see how torn he was between his feelings. If only he knew the truth.

And then I started to wonder what would happen to Alan if he did know the truth about the baby. Although nobody really knew the truth - and I had a feeling that Jane didn’t even know either – I had a pretty strong belief on what I was certain was going to be the truth. The reality was that Jane was not pregnant with Alan’s baby and all of his excitement and thinking about being a father was going to be horribly crushed when the news was revealed.

When would the news be revealed? Would Jane ever tell Alan that it might not be his baby? Would she wait until their child grew up and started to look more like Adam than Alan, or would she clear things up sooner than that?

I shook my thoughts away and tried to giggle along with them as they argued over what gender they wanted the child to be. But I just couldn’t get into it. I was excited to be an aunt, no matter whose baby it was, but the way things were all mixed up was distracting me. Jane had no idea that I knew that it could be Adam’s baby. Alan had no idea that Jane and Adam had even slept together while he was on tour. And Jane had no idea that I was supposed to be meeting with Alan for lunch, not Adam. Why was I the one to have to know everything? I couldn’t take all the secrets and the lying. I was close to blowing up again, just like I had done at Austin’s house before I went back to England. But I needed to keep it together. I couldn’t let the stress get to me.

Notes

Addie's Outfit

Hey guys! I'm so sorry it took me FOREVER to update this! As I said in my little message chapter I posted, things were just so crazy for a while there. I was flunking out of school, I had a thing with a guy, ended the thing with the guy, got my grades back up, made a trip up to Northern California (I live in Southern California, so it wasn't THAT much of a trip lol), lost my mind a couple of times, and now I'm back and things are getting much better. I was in a really dark place for a while and kind of cut myself off from the world for a bit so I could straighten things out and refocus my life, basically. I'm feeling better than ever now and am so ready to get back into updating regularly again!

What do you guys think about this chapter? What do you think Addie and Alan talked about when she was drunk? What about Jane showing up at their lunch date? I'd like to know what you think and predict! The story is going to be ending soonish, but there IS going to be a sequel! So don't you guys worry at all!

Thank you so much for the comments and constant support and all of your messages on tumblr, as well! They mean SOOOOO much to me! I love you guys! Thank you so much. xoxo.